J21 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I met a girl on OLD, she seems kinda shy, but pretty sweet/nice. We met for the third time last night and talked a little bit about past relationships (she brought it up). She told me I remind her of one of her ex. I asked "how so?" and she replied that he was really good to her and treated her well. I'm a nice guy as in I treat gfs well, open doors, be caring and what not. Anyways, she said that she did get sick of him treating her so nicely and eventually cheated on him in her 20's. (I was feeling bad for the guy). I was like "you probably should've broke up with him if you wanted to date someone else" and she said something along the lines of "it was complicated". She emphasized that it was in the past, but I don't know, to be honest my interest in her did wane after that. (I wasn't as talkative and etc.) Maybe subconsciously I was already starting to pull away before being too vested? Cheating is something I've never done, and don't even think about it when in a relationship. It's morally wrong to the bone and soul for me. I'm not sure if I am as interested knowing this fact about her. Again, she reiterated that it was in her 20's when we all did stupid things, and we are both 32 now. Thoughts?
abby_tx Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 It's weird she brought it up this soon. And saying you remind of him in that you're nice and but then saying the reason why she cheated was because he was too nice just seems like a bad move on her part.
Priv Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 20's and early 30's are not that far off I think... I would take this as a red flag. 'Geez, you remind me of my ex who I got bored/sick with so I cheated on him.' is not one of those things I take lightly. You shouldn't either. 3
DivorcedDad123 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 At least she's honest and she must feel comfortable enough with you to open up about such. The problem I see is, she's putting the total blame on her ex for cheating. He's such a nice guy that he made me cheat on him? That's a pretty lame excuse, but everyone has their way of justifying their own actions. Being "so sick" of someone being nice sounds like she liked drama instead of a normal relationship. If she had said she made a mistake or she was to blame too,I'd say she learned from it. As it is, she's still using an excuse and that tells me she still thinks this way.
abby_tx Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Another thing.... I'm your same age. If I had cheated in my 20's and changed, I would definitely NOT bring this up so soon. I wouldn't want my history to affect my chances with a guy. I'd want to be able to prove myself before I brought up my past.
Priv Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Even taking the whole cheating thing out of it and her just breaking up with him it still sounds like 'Geez, you remind me of my ex who I got bored/sick with so I broke up with him.' Hardly any better mate
Dallers Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Treat her like crap and she will be faithful to you. Treat her well and she will cheat on you. 99% of Online Dating in a nut shell. Have no idea what they want, are insecure and have major issues from their past. Daddy problems for this girl most likely hence why the treat em mean thing works on them. If you are looking for drama and crazy stay put if you want a relationship and normality run away.
coolheadal Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 (edited) Anyone that cheats on anyone past or present still considered a cheater. They're mindset is focus on cheating, if they feel the situation or relationship they're in as something they don't like about it they'll cheat again. So they need more, so they turn to others to cheat with. Again these type of people who cheat have no morals. You can't change their behavior nor can they change you. She told she has cheated in the past and she told why she had cheated. But you have morals and you are a gentlemen (open doors an etc.) your very rare. But she now sees you as a nice guy and that's the type she likes to cheat on. She'll get bored or start to tell you she's unhappy. By this time she has already cheated on. If I was like you have to consider who you have there with you right now. She's a cheater type even if it happen in her 20's there is no stopping her to do it again an again. She can't help herself to cheat with the lack of morals. There are nicer girls out there with morals seek though type of girls who like nice guys like you. If you want to stay with this girl then prepare yourself for one day to be let down after she gets tired with you because your too nice to her! Edited January 11, 2015 by coolheadal
Author J21 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 Thanks all for your inputs. I didn't press for further detail because I think she felt embarrassed/awkward about it. I was already sensing it from her vibe. From the information she volunteered, it happened at her old company. She was working with this guy coworker and they went drinking as friends a lot (the guy coworker had a gf too). They started hanging out a lot, blah blah blah, and eventually she made a mistake and cheated on her bf at the time. I tried to be understanding and thought back to my "young and stupid 20's days", but no, I really can't understand cheating on someone. I'm sure it was more complicated, but meh. She said she bumped into her ex randomly few years ago, and said something along the lines of "became friends with again" (as in she apologized?) Again I have no clue, I didn't press further because I think she was already feeling awkward. She said hasn't been able to meet a nice guy as her "friend" since then. Anyway, I think she seemed sincere in admitting that she made a mistake. But I'm not sure I can have a clear conscious starting a relationship with this in the back of my mind.
EmperorR Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 If they did it to someone else they can do it to you. Never think you are so special that it can't happen to you.
Jules Dash Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Date enough people or date long enough and at one time or another you will cheat. No matter how nice and sweet someone seems, everyone cheats at some point in their dating life. You even have to count the time you don't want to count because it will make you a cheater. So if you haven't cheated yet, stick around...
Rupert711 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 20's and early 30's are not that far off I think... I would take this as a red flag. 'Geez, you remind me of my ex who I got bored/sick with so I cheated on him.' is not one of those things I take lightly. You shouldn't either. This is exactly what I thought when I read your post, OP.
thecrucible Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Some people who've cheated in the past do deserve a second-chance. Name me a person who isn't flawed and has done no wrong in their life. I'm biased as I cheated in the past and I don't condone it one bit, but I also know it comes in degrees. The important part is how they try to explain themselves and whether or not they take responsibility. Has she tried to become a better person since then? Does she blame her ex or take responsibility for her actions? Does she have self-awareness? she said that she did get sick of him treating her so nicely and eventually cheated on him in her 20's I don't think this part is necessarily so bad as it sounds. She may have felt really bad about the cheating and this is her post-rationalisation. However, it also may show she didn't have the right boundaries at the time; or that she acted out due to a problem in the relationship rather than addressing it directly. Obviously both of these can cause problems in a relationship down the road. I think the fact she brought it up with you so early on suggests that she feels insecure about it and felt guilt surrounding it at the time. I used to mention this thing in my past on dates. It's because I thought it was better to share things about myself and because I was still beating myself up about it. Now I know not to, because men will judge me on an element of my past which I cannot change. I won't tell a guy about my past until I've known him for much longer now. I'm not sure if I am as interested knowing this fact about her. That's fair enough that you've had this visceral reaction. People can and do change but everyone will have their own standards in dating. Because you don't know her very well, you don't know what conclusion to draw and it has set you off-balance. It's probably best to end things, if you think there is no possibility of getting back your interest and it might hurt her further down the road. Again, she reiterated that it was in her 20's when we all did stupid things, and we are both 32 now. So it was actually a long time ago. I can maybe see what she is getting at in a way. When we're young, we don't really know what we're doing in relationships, much less what we want. And sometimes we might feel pressure to stay in a relationship with someone we're not attracted to because they treat us well; or a relationship isn't working and you try to force yourself into it because you're afraid of being alone. This is what I think a lot of cheaters are like - they run away from situations rather than confronting their real feelings; they act out impulsively because they are weak. Maybe she has changed now? Who knows? But this has definitely set a different tone on things, I think you know in your gut that it might be best to end things. I can see the situation from her point of view but this reminds me of a conversation I had with my ex, who couldn't accept my past. He stuck with our relationship but you could tell his respect for me diminished. Respect is so important and if there's no mutual respect, it just doesn't work imo.
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