Rupert711 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 (edited) Hello LoveShack community. I've registered in hopes of gleaning some of your wisdom! Just over a week ago, I met an incredibly beautiful, smart, and spiritual girl (late 20's) on an online dating site. We began exchanging messages (probably about 6 each, over the course of a couple days) and quickly exchanged phone numbers. We began with a great deal of texting and, after a day or so, had our first phone call. That first call was a very uplifting experience. We talked for around three hours and were both up so late that we were exhausted at work the next day. The conversation came incredibly naturally. It was both funny and exciting. We laughed steadily for those hours. Rarely have I met somebody with whom conversation comes so naturally as her. As the week went by, wound up talking every night. All of our conversations ranged from 1 hour (the shortest) to 4 hours (the longest). The more we talked, the more we began to build an emotional connection. We talked about everything and anything - faith, ambitions, hopes, dreams, family, previous relationships, sex, plans for the future, etc. There was tons of laughter, tons of teasing, and a great deal of bonding. Without really realizing it, she clearly started to think in terms of a future together, and I followed suit. I realize this is ridiculous, but that's what happened. We both made it very clear (unintentionally at first, then intentionally later) that we were developing feelings for each other. I should also mention that we kept up a steady stream of texts throughout the week - including when we were at work, supposed to be working! The texts were light-hearted and fun, full of teasing and inside jokes. It was, honestly, a heck of a lot of fun! Finally, yesterday, we met in person. We seemed to click. Our conversations were like they were on the phone, except we tried to avoid the super-personal stuff. We broke that rule by having a deep discussion about our faiths, but I don't see that as a negative thing at all. To us, that's a very positive bonding point, and we share a great deal in common in that regard. It was really a conversation about our own experiences and aspirations. We ended up extending our date beyond what we planned, by going for dessert at another place. Toward the end of the evening, she came out and told me that she was feeling a bit overwhelmed with how quickly things had moved. She said that she wants to be cautious, because she doesn't want to get her heart broken again. What can I say? We really did rush into things. We talked about this a bit more, and she gave the very clear impression that she's fighting the urge to run away. We agreed that things need to slow down, but we're not sure how to slow down after how we've started out. We ended off planning to sleep on it, and may (or may not, I won't push it) talk about it tonight. My question (primarily for the ladies, but gents are welcome to share any ideas) is this: When a woman feels this way, is it likely that she will come back from this? Is it possible to slow things down and keep from losing her, or is she already gone? I dread the thought of losing such a unique person who, I dare say, is a perfect match for me. I am absolutely happy to slow things down to whatever pace she needs, but I fear it may be too late for that. Edited January 11, 2015 by Rupert711
abby_tx Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 It is interesting that she felt things were rushed only after meeting you in person. Why then? Why not when you guys spent four hours on the phone one night? In my experience, it's better to keep the conversation at a minimum until meeting in person. Example: I met a guy online and we weren't able to meet for a couple weeks, so we exchanged messages online. Before we met, we had 70 emails back and forth. Finally met him in person and had ZERO interest in him. (and no, not just looks related)
abby_tx Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I guess I didn't answer your question. I feel like if you weren't what she was expecting when you met in person, things are done and this is her easy way out. And if that's not the case, I have no idea why she'd say that or if she'll return. I don't think I'd say it to someone I truly wanted to date.
Gaeta Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 You may have felt this great chemistry when meeting her but apparently she questions it. Keeping it slow is another language for I want to keep my options open. Nothing wrong after only 1 meeting. Second you burnt the candle by both ends by communicating this much before meeting. Now you met, her curiosity has been satisfied, I would even say that this whole week of communication and meeting has given her a indigestion of you, sorry. Let her process everything. If she comes back good, if not, please learn from this and keep communication to a more conservative rate before meeting. 5
Author Rupert711 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 I had originally typed up this post but accidentally deleted it. Some of the details I had in the original didn't make it into the second version. The nervousness and feeling overwhelmed did actually come up before we met. She expressed it when we talked on Friday night on the phone. As for the mistake of talking too much before meeting, I realize that but there's nothing I can do about that now.
Gaeta Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 When you meet someone from online, everything that has happened or has been said before meeting is erased and it doesn't count anymore. The moment you meet that becomes your starting point. 6
kendahke Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 (edited) Hello LoveShack community. I've registered in hopes of gleaning some of your wisdom! Just over a week ago, I met an incredibly beautiful, smart, and spiritual girl (late 20's) on an online dating site. We began exchanging messages (probably about 6 each, over the course of a couple days) and quickly exchanged phone numbers. We began with a great deal of texting and, after a day or so, had our first phone call. That first call was a very uplifting experience. We talked for around three hours and were both up so late that we were exhausted at work the next day. The conversation came incredibly naturally. It was both funny and exciting. We laughed steadily for those hours. Rarely have I met somebody with whom conversation comes so naturally as her. As the week went by, wound up talking every night. All of our conversations ranged from 1 hour (the shortest) to 4 hours (the longest). The more we talked, the more we began to build an emotional connection. We talked about everything and anything - faith, ambitions, hopes, dreams, family, previous relationships, sex, plans for the future, etc. There was tons of laughter, tons of teasing, and a great deal of bonding. Without really realizing it, she clearly started to think in terms of a future together, and I followed suit. I realize this is ridiculous, but that's what happened. We both made it very clear (unintentionally at first, then intentionally later) that we were developing feelings for each other. I should also mention that we kept up a steady stream of texts throughout the week - including when we were at work, supposed to be working! The texts were light-hearted and fun, full of teasing and inside jokes. It was, honestly, a heck of a lot of fun! Finally, yesterday, we met in person. We seemed to click. Our conversations were like they were on the phone, except we tried to avoid the super-personal stuff. We broke that rule by having a deep discussion about our faiths, but I don't see that as a negative thing at all. To us, that's a very positive bonding point, and we share a great deal in common in that regard. It was really a conversation about our own experiences and aspirations. We ended up extending our date beyond what we planned, by going for dessert at another place. Toward the end of the evening, she came out and told me that she was feeling a bit overwhelmed with how quickly things had moved. She said that she wants to be cautious, because she doesn't want to get her heart broken again. What can I say? We really did rush into things. We talked about this a bit more, and she gave the very clear impression that she's fighting the urge to run away. We agreed that things need to slow down, but we're not sure how to slow down after how we've started out. We ended off planning to sleep on it, and may (or may not, I won't push it) talk about it tonight. My question (primarily for the ladies, but gents are welcome to share any ideas) is this: When a woman feels this way, is it likely that she will come back from this? Is it possible to slow things down and keep from losing her, or is she already gone? I dread the thought of losing such a unique person who, I dare say, is a perfect match for me. I am absolutely happy to slow things down to whatever pace she needs, but I fear it may be too late for that. The first thing that came to mind for me was that she's not done with someone she's been dealing with and this past week caught her totally by surprise. IMO, when an involvement begins the way yours has with both people contributing equally to the "overwhelming" and one of them suddenly pulls away, it's because there is someone else whose feelings they are trying to win over. They didn't expect for things to kick off so well; didn't expect to find an easy connection with another person. I had a similar experience a few years back, where I met a guy online and slowly, through emailing, then texting then phone calls, we got to know one another. We finally met and I thought we had a really fun evening--he seemed to be enjoying himself, laughing, talking, telling jokes, etc. He even continued to call me for a week. Then I got an email saying that someone came back into his life that he thought was over and he wanted to go check that out. That's when I decided that if someone contacts me on OLD, we have to meet within 7 days because protracted email/texting adventures lead no where. They either are not serious, not real (catfish) or they're not free to pursue anything if they hesitate on meeting face to face. If I was you, I would hang back and invest in meeting other women and do it as soon as possible. Don't allow for things to develop over the phone or in text messages because some people fall in love with the construct of who they think you are, not necessarily who you really are. Edited January 11, 2015 by kendahke 3
preraph Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I completely agree with Gaeta's wise statement. It isn't real until you feel that way in person. It's best not to spend so much time telling a stranger everything. Then if you meet them and they're not what you envisioned (and we all envision someone when we haven't met them), it's disconcerting and uncomfortable. Back off. She may have decided she regrets getting as close over the phone as she did because having met you, now she's not sure she feels that way. Back off and don't make a big deal out of it. Be just casual like you have a busy week and then tell her you'll check in with her next week and see what's up. That might put her at ease or not. 3
Author Rupert711 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 Ken has one thing right. Earlier in the week, she talked about a past relationship she'd been working to get over. She decided to get back into the search because she was ready. Last night, she added that the intensity of what had been happening was overwhelming, and that she's worried about having her heart broken again.
HereNorThere Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 It's either A) she wasn't that interested in person or B) she has a fear of intimacy and meeting you in person made it "too real" and she felt engulfed. When you haven't met someone, you tend to build a fantasy about them in your mind. A lot of times the person you meet doesn't live up to that fantasy and you're left disappointed. Welcome to online dating. Online dating is also the perfect place for people with intimacy issues to live out their fantasies of having intimate relationships without having to be intimate. Once the reality of a relationship is in their face, they run. I've been on both sides of the fence with these issues and they're not fun. Just remember that every date you go on, every person you meet, gives you that much more experience for the future. Try not to take it personally. Good luck! 4
mysteryscape Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I wouldn't try to analyze much what happened when you met, or the significance of her past boyfriend who apparently "broke her heart." I would simply hang back, be a lot less available, see if she misses you, don't push her. It is very natural to pull back (or push the other person away), then pull the other direction when the one you are afraid to get involved with seems to be vanishing. You can't possibly control her or really understand what she's thinking, but you have nothing to lose by taking my advice, and probably something to gain. IMHO opinion the option to start seeing or interacting with other people is not a great idea, it won't solve your problem, and it's unfair to the other people. Just imagine telling them what you're thinking and how they'd feel and react, and you'll get my drift. 1
Author Rupert711 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 You're right, Mystery. That's exactly what I'm going to do. I need to take a break from online dating anyways. I was on the verge of doing so before I connected with her. Yesterday, we had agreed to speak today (she was eager to hear a story about what I did this morning). I'll wait and see if she contacts me. If so, I'll share my story and leave it at that. Thanks to everyone who replied. Your answers were quite consistent, saying precisely what I expected (and needed) to hear. 1
Satu Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I'm a slow eater. I like to savour every mouthful, and discover all the nuances in what I'm eating. I prefer something similar in relationships. I like to enjoy the process of things gradually unfolding, and noticing all the little things that are unique to that person. I reveal myself slowly as well. It's not that I hold back - I don't. I just don't offer all of me at once. When things start with a bang, they often end with a bang, as it does with people who get married in Vegas on Friday, and divorced on Monday. Real love is a long slow discipline. A dish to linger over. 1
mysteryscape Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Real love is a long slow discipline. A dish to linger over. you are female? 1
spiderowl Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 You've got on well online, where she would have formed an image of you. You have met in person and she would have to adapt to the real you. It seems reasonable for you both to take a step back to adjust and see how you feel about each other. I think if you push it at this point, she will run. The things you like about each other won't have disappeared. You are both adjusting. I don't get the impression she's saying there's no chance, but more than she wants to feel free. It's a bit scary going from chatting to having to decide whether you are in a relationship with someone keen or not. Be kind, let her be, tell her it's her choice where it goes next, but stay in touch every so often. 1
Author Rupert711 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 You've got on well online, where she would have formed an image of you. You have met in person and she would have to adapt to the real you. It seems reasonable for you both to take a step back to adjust and see how you feel about each other. I think if you push it at this point, she will run. The things you like about each other won't have disappeared. You are both adjusting. I don't get the impression she's saying there's no chance, but more than she wants to feel free. It's a bit scary going from chatting to having to decide whether you are in a relationship with someone keen or not. Be kind, let her be, tell her it's her choice where it goes next, but stay in touch every so often. A touch more optimistic than the other replies. I'd call your theory a 'best case scenario'. Thank you 1
newlyborn Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 there is no way to know with absolute certainty what happened. i suspect that she did not feel as much chemistry in person as she had expected to and so is pulling back. i suggest that you don't actively pursue her and wait to see what happens. when one person suggests that they are overwhelmed, that is your cue to move way, way back and observe. if she comes forward in small but steady ways, you know that there is enough interest to build on. if not, well then wasn't it wonderful to have those moments of deep connection when you felt them?
kendahke Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Ken has one thing right. Earlier in the week, she talked about a past relationship she'd been working to get over. She decided to get back into the search because she was ready. Last night, she added that the intensity of what had been happening was overwhelming, and that she's worried about having her heart broken again. She's not ready. A person who is ready moves on and the disclosure you two shared doesn't impact that decision--in fact, it buttresses it and you go with the flow. Everyone has the potential to have their hearts broken again and again. It's called "living life". If she wants to avoid that, then she needs to just stay home and raise cats. If she is still actively working to get over someone, then she's not over him. She's engaging in distraction tactics to keep from doing the required emotional work to dislodge dude from her psyche, maybe in hopes that he will have a Hollywood romantic comedy epiphany moment and come running breathlessly back to her, spouting mea culpa, mea maxima culpa's on his knees. In the meantime, though, put her on a shelf and keep dating other women. There is someone else out there who is more than ready to move on with you. 1
ponchsox Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 You guys went way too fast before even meeting. Big mistake and a potential waste of time. I keep my messages to a couple and don't talk on the phone before we meet. I meet for coffee only and then decide if I want to go on a formal date with that person. You two practically suffocated each other and set expectations in the process.
Gaeta Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Rupert: You find it hard to understand how someone can make a full turn around like this but it's quite common with online dating. The net is full of people in denial. Look at her statement: she is still trying to get over her last relationship but she is ready to date. Have you ever heard something so contradicting! Let it go. 1
Author Rupert711 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 (edited) Just got a "let's be friends" text...sigh. Not welcome, but not surprising. Thanks all. Edited January 13, 2015 by Rupert711
mysteryscape Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Rupert: You find it hard to understand how someone can make a full turn around like this but it's quite common with online dating. Let it go. Much worse than IRL, I think.
mysteryscape Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Just got a "let's be friends" text...sigh. Not welcome, but not surprising. Thanks all. to hear this, but time to put it behind you. Figure out what you can learn from it and then don't waste time thinking about it further. Especially if you do OLD you will encounter many more flakes than "in real life" is my opinion.
Author Rupert711 Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 to hear this, but time to put it behind you. Figure out what you can learn from it and then don't waste time thinking about it further. Especially if you do OLD you will encounter many more flakes than "in real life" is my opinion. Absolutely. But...it was still a better love story than Twilight.
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