abby_tx Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 My only means of dating the last couple years have been through online dating sites . I'm really picky about who I go out with in the first place, but when I finally do go on that first date, it seems like I can always have a great date even if it's not with someone I will want to see a second time. It's rare that I want that second date. I am starting to feel really sad/guilty after that date because I know their hopes are up and this makes me feel like a fraud. I genuinely DO enjoy my time with everyone I come across. Another odd thing that seems to happen is guys become too comfortable with me on the first date and reveal rather intimate, unpleasant things toward the end. It goes from trying to impress me to telling me their worst secrets. I had a guy tell me he was a drug dealer in high school, one who admitted he did a bunch of drugs, passed out, and had a concussion, etc. This really sours my overall opinion of them. Anyway, on my most recent date I found out toward the end the guy is newly separated (with a girl he has been with for over 10 years-his first and only girlfriend) and has a 4 month child. I'm talking divorce papers not even finalized. We really had a great time, but I can't look past this and don't want anything serious with him. What am I supposed to do now? I'm tired of feeling like a ****ty person.
Lernaean_Hydra Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 You sound a lot like me when I was on OLD in that I could have a pretty good time with anyone. I go into it with a very chill attitude with zero expectations and I guess it makes everyone feel at ease. The only times I ever had a bad first date was when the guy did something completely offensive or untoward. However, you do sound like you're extremely judgmental. Being put off because a guy was a drug dealer in high school? Eh, I think you're overreacting a bit there. I mean, I understand having standards but not everybody has a squeaky clean past and it's not as if he proudly informed you he as a drug dealer at present time. I'm not sure what else guys have told you that got them soundly shot down but if it's anything like the things you mentioned, I'd say you could stand to be a bit less stringent. The fact that people feel comfortable enough around you to be upfront should be a good thing, yet you seem to be punishing them for it. If you're looking for Mr. Perfect, you won't find him OLD. Honestly, you're not going to find him anywhere at all. 2
Author abby_tx Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 You sound a lot like me when I was on OLD in that I could have a pretty good time with anyone. I go into it with a very chill attitude with zero expectations and I guess it makes everyone feel at ease. The only times I ever had a bad first date was when the guy did something completely offensive or untoward. However, you do sound like you're extremely judgmental. Being put off because a guy was a drug dealer in high school? Eh, I think you're overreacting a bit there. I mean, I understand having standards but not everybody has a squeaky clean past and it's not as if he proudly informed you he as a drug dealer at present time. I'm not sure what else guys have told you that got them soundly shot down but if it's anything like the things you mentioned, I'd say you could stand to be a bit less stringent. The fact that people feel comfortable enough around you to be upfront should be a good thing, yet you seem to be punishing them for it. If you're looking for Mr. Perfect, you won't find him OLD. Honestly, you're not going to find him anywhere at all. I sound like I'm back-tracking, but I think latching on to the drug-dealer past is my way of justifying to myself why I didn't want to see him again. If I had the kind of chemistry I was looking for, I probably would have given him a second chance. In this case, I'm glad I didn't because he got REALLY weird after that first date. He started looking at my online profile 5 times a day. Texted me, "What are you doing tonight?" and when I didn't reply within an hour said, "I guess you found something better to do." Just little warning signs he might get aggressive.
angel.eyes Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 The point of dating is to find someone who is a match. Once it's clear you aren't compatible, it's time to exit. Cruel and mean would be stringing along guys by agreeing to repeated dates when you have no real interest in them. Your dates aren't people you already know. These are essentially blind dates, and you have no history with them. Not surprisingly, most will be one-and-dones. We all have different standards.You've developed yours for a reason. I would pay attention to them and your intuition. Mistakes and regrets tend to arise when you ignore or overlook these. 3
Author abby_tx Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 The point of dating is to find someone who is a match. Once it's clear you aren't compatible, it's time to exit. Cruel and mean would be stringing along guys by agreeing to repeated dates when you have no real interest in them. Your dates aren't people you already know. These are essentially blind dates, and you have no history with them. Not surprisingly, most will be one-and-dones. We all have different standards.You've developed yours for a reason. I would pay attention to them and your intuition. Mistakes and regrets tend to arise when you ignore or overlook these. Thank you for that. I've felt a little down all morning because I'm tired of feeling like a jerk with guys and this made me feel better.
dragonfire13 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 You sound a lot like me...a friendly, sociable person who enjoys dating and meeting new people (which is good if you decide to give OLD a go)... this approachable attitude must come across and therefore people open up to you easily. There's nothing wrong with having standards and deciding someone isn't for you. A lot of people use online dating for exactly that reason: it allows you to find someone within your search criteria, as abrasive as that sounds. It sounds like you're struggling to find someone you feel that spark with, and if you're not feeling it, cutting your losses is actually the best thing to do instead of wasting everybody's time. As long as you do so in a polite, respectful manner, theres no need to feel like a crappy person - trust me, I have been rejected many times and I have too rejected. It's not nice, but it's defo less of a hit to the ego if it's in the early stages, before a romantic connection has been established. It may seem harsh, but this is the reality of dating, online or otherwise. I think people who meet people though online dating probably have a thicker skin for this type of stuff anyway, because you are essentially meeting a stranger. I guess the only advice I have for you is to perhaps consider if you want to continue...maybe give the OLD a bit of a break and try different ways to meet someone? Or you could continue and eventually you may meet someone who you have chemistry with. You will never know unless you give it a go.. advice I perhaps should be taking myself as I'm struggling to be motivated to get back on the dating scene.
Author abby_tx Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 The guy I went with Friday night sent me 6 texts on Saturday (which I didn't get a chance to reply to any since I was out with a friend all day). It's just SO damn intense. I really don't think I have the energy for dating anymore. Not finding that person I click with is getting the best of me. :(
Versacehottie Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 i think you need to make an effort to meet guys in real life. If they are not in your area, maybe some sort of traveling (mini-traveling). I think one of the biggest flaws with online dating is that in theory the uncertainty is removed. Though in real fact it isn't but guys (and girls) will make assumptions based on the pure fact that being on a dating site would mean one wants to date/or be in relationship in the near future. Therefore, guys will text 6 times like you are a "done deal" rather than use normal dating judgement. and so on and so forth. In reality I'm sure people's intentions are much more like they are in real life--it's just that the rules are different and harder to follow. I would say especially if the intensity bugs you and you are always a good first date, the real life thing would be much much better for you. (and i agree with you, btw). Good luck
darkmoon Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 you are prolly highly attractive, some women never get asked out, not blaming you for your fate, just that you can make a choice that unattractive women will not see
ponchsox Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 You sound like me. I'm a serial first dater. I rarely have interest in a second date unless I'm blown away by someone. I do enjoy meeting new people and the social aspect of it.
Gaeta Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 I will go on 2-3 dates then I start finding silly excuses like I don't like he works on shifts, he is too short, I don't like the gap between his teeth, he likes me too much, and on and on. It's just me not being into it. I know when I meet someone I like all of these details don't matter. You just have not met someone that really grabbed your attention.
d0nnivain Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 As long as you aren't impolite or mean when you decline that 2nd date, you are not a jerk. You may be very picky but that is the point of a 1st date . . . to find somebody you want to spend more time with. I would suggest that if you are on the fence about someone, you do go on the 2nd date. Some people are just so nervous on a 1st date that they don't make the best impression. If you are dead set against somebody, you are not obligated to do a 2nd date but if you have any doubts resolve them in favor of giving the guy a chance.
Jessie1231 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 I have this exact problem! I have been on so many first dates and even if I get along great with them, I always find reasons to never have a second. People at work began saying I should go to a soup kitchen because it seemed like I was only looking for free meals. That's how bad I am. And it isn't that I want that at all, it's that I have these specific expectations that I can't put into words but I know it when I see it. And I have to actually meet the person to see if it's there. I guess that's how chemistry with a person works. The last few guys I've gone out with have been really wonderful guys, and someone will be lucky to have them one day but it definitely wasn't meant to be me. I used to feel bad about this serial dating problem, but my last serious boyfriend wasn't that great on paper so I almost canceled our first date. I decided to go anyway just to see how it went, and I was so glad I did. Within minutes of meeting him, I knew this first date was different and that I would end up in a relationship with this guy. He became the first guy in a long time I had really wanted to see again and luckily he felt the same way. It eventually didn't work out for us (he hadn't been separated too long and was ultimately looking to date more than have a real relationship - can't say I've never felt that way), but I never would have had the great relationship I had with him if I weren't a "serial first-dater."
Andy_K Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Unicorn effect! The thing you have to remember is that a highly attractive and down to earth girl who gets on with everyone is an extremely rare thing online. Such a good catch normally dates a few guys and is then in a relationship for years. On the other hand, the more 'broken' or otherwise less desirable girls go through dates by the dozen and don't hold a relationship for more than a few months. Consequently, 95% of the time a guy meets someone, it'll be one of them. That's all most of us see. So you're the unicorn. Something so rare they can't quite believe their luck, and this causes them to become very open and very attached really quickly. Their hopes go through the roof. Don't feel guilty, you don't owe them anything more than common decency. But be prepared to deal with them in firm but polite terms.
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