Maleficent Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Oh please people ! We are talking about her being more clear and communicative in the future NOT becoming insecure and distrusting. Still you admitted yourself you were stretching it earlier in the thread...
Author Tayaurassa Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 Hey everyone, thank you so so much for taking your time to read my thread and give me some really helpful thoughts and suggestions! Thank you to those who are being really kind and supportive. Thank you to those who are being harsh but telling the truth. Every comment means so much to me. First of all, I do see Gaeta and Redhead14's (and some other people's) points and I agree that it is also my fault for not having the talk earlier. Plus, I was wrong for assuming things. Sometimes you don't even know if they're telling you the truth, but still, it is important to communicate well and make sure you're on the same page. I really learned a lot this time and I'd say I don't really regret it. At least, I was lucky enough to find out before I'm more invested in the "relationship". I'm now focusing on myself. I have been working hard, hitting the gym everyday, and trying to hang out with my friends as much as possible. I also plan to join a lot of interesting events and make more friends. What I will do in my future dating life: 1.Have the talk within 3 months or not long after being intimate. Ask the guy clear questions. Make sure we both understand each other and know "what we are". 2.Be more cautious. Don't trust people too fast. But I also need to remember that not every guy is like this. I shouldn't judge everyone just because I had a bad experience. 3.Need to learn how to distinguish gestures of loves and controlling. 4.Don't be too scared about losing my virginity. Things that I still have to figure out (Suggestions are welcome!): 1.My definition of sex 2.Should I still do sexual stuff without intercourse when I'm not yet in a relationship with a guy? ****UPDATE**** He messaged me today saying he really misses me. It kinda sucks having to read this. Even though I'm still hurt, I have been doing better at not thinking about him and what had happened. Now his message reminded me of him again. My mind tells me to call him out for what he had done. On the other hand, I think I should just cut this guy out of my life. I haven't responded yet and I hope I won't.
cif Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Don't respond. He will just pull you back in.. and what's the point if you can't trust him? 2
cif Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 What I will do in my future dating life: 1.Have the talk within 3 months or not long after being intimate. Ask the guy clear questions. Make sure we both understand each other and know "what we are". Do not have sex without exclusivity. Have the talk BEFORE sex (any sex). 2.Be more cautious. Don't trust people too fast. But I also need to remember that not every guy is like this. I shouldn't judge everyone just because I had a bad experience. Look out for red flags. If you can't trust, leave the guy. 3.Need to learn how to distinguish gestures of loves and controlling. 4.Don't be too scared about losing my virginity. Yes. Be cautious. It should be with someone special and that you love and loves you back. Things that I still have to figure out (Suggestions are welcome!): 1.My definition of sex 2.Should I still do sexual stuff without intercourse when I'm not yet in a relationship with a guy? In bold above and.. IMO oral sex is more intimate than intercourse. And FYI guys prefer oral over intercourse. Any intimacy should be within a well-defined relationship. 2
Author Tayaurassa Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 In bold above and.. IMO oral sex is more intimate than intercourse. And FYI guys prefer oral over intercourse. Any intimacy should be within a well-defined relationship. WHAT?! Really? I have always thought intercourse is way more intimate and guys definitely prefer that. Wow. Thank you for so much!
Jono85 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I get that you miss him, but how can you trust him after he's completely played you like this? think back to how you felt when he totally acted like your 9 months meant nothing to him more than friendship. think here...I assume you are fairly young, there will be much more guys in your life and hopefully you can improve on your selection of them 2
PegNosePete Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 WHAT?! Really? I have always thought intercourse is way more intimate and guys definitely prefer that. Wow. Thank you for so much! Who cares what "guys prefer"? Do you really want to have sex with someone who might have had sex with someone else last night, and is having sex with someone else the night after? No. Exclusivity before sex, always. If the guy doesn't like it, it obviously means he's screwing others, so tell him to take a hike. 7
Gaeta Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 You sound like a smart young woman, grounded, open to constructive critics, that shows a lot of emotional maturity and character on your part! I will differ from others here and say after 9 months you deserve a truthful explanation from him. Now that the dust has fallen he may be able to provide it to you in a humble and honest manner. Let today be the first day where you stop assuming. So instead of thinking he did this because of ABC, ask him. Listen. Say nothing. Then come and tell us ;-) 2
Timshel Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I did not say otherwise. People assume she was naive. I assume he played his game well. Let's just agree to disagree. Sigh...yes. I'm 100% on her side but you've misunderstood and perhaps I wasn't clear. Whatever, sometimes that happens with typing as opposed to face to face conversation. I wish her well and in no way want her to be insecure, quite the opposite. I would hope that she will learn to trust herself. smiley1- ^^^this^^^ was not intended to indicate agreement but again, I did not make myself clear. I'll have to try to communicate better with my writing. 1
Zapbasket Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Wow, what an interesting thread with so many insightful comments and divergent, yet equally valid, opinions. I have learned a lot myself from reading this thread. OP, I'd just say that sometimes people put themselves first and take advantage of a situation to get their needs met. Often they're not even "bad" people, so that makes the situation even more cloudy. I think each of us in the dating pool has to enter into liaisons with people with our eyes wide open. Deceitful people know well how to communicate "clearly," so you think you're on the up and up, but eventually behaviors don't match words and you have to be willing to recognize that for what it is and call the person out on it, and then stand back and see what they do. It's a matter of being constantly on your toes...and even once a reasonable amount of trust is established, people can still betray you. Good people, too. People kind-of suck. What I don't like about that guy's behavior is his response to your finding the condom on the floor. Justifying it and then turning the blame onto you. That's manipulative and cowardly and shows poor character, and THAT is what you should focus on, more than the sex. He can worm his way around why he was sleeping with two other women; he can't worm his way out of such obvious manipulation tactics and obvious refusal to take responsibility for his actions. THAT is the reason why you need to cut him off. Personally, I'd not let him explain himself, unless you feel hearing his reasons will help you heal. 2
Redhead14 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Hey everyone, thank you so so much for taking your time to read my thread and give me some really helpful thoughts and suggestions! Thank you to those who are being really kind and supportive. Thank you to those who are being harsh but telling the truth. Every comment means so much to me. First of all, I do see Gaeta and Redhead14's (and some other people's) points and I agree that it is also my fault for not having the talk earlier. Plus, I was wrong for assuming things. Sometimes you don't even know if they're telling you the truth, but still, it is important to communicate well and make sure you're on the same page. I really learned a lot this time and I'd say I don't really regret it. At least, I was lucky enough to find out before I'm more invested in the "relationship". I'm now focusing on myself. I have been working hard, hitting the gym everyday, and trying to hang out with my friends as much as possible. I also plan to join a lot of interesting events and make more friends. What I will do in my future dating life: 1.Have the talk within 3 months or not long after being intimate. Ask the guy clear questions. Make sure we both understand each other and know "what we are". 2.Be more cautious. Don't trust people too fast. But I also need to remember that not every guy is like this. I shouldn't judge everyone just because I had a bad experience. 3.Need to learn how to distinguish gestures of loves and controlling. 4.Don't be too scared about losing my virginity. Things that I still have to figure out (Suggestions are welcome!): 1.My definition of sex 2.Should I still do sexual stuff without intercourse when I'm not yet in a relationship with a guy? ****UPDATE**** He messaged me today saying he really misses me. It kinda sucks having to read this. Even though I'm still hurt, I have been doing better at not thinking about him and what had happened. Now his message reminded me of him again. My mind tells me to call him out for what he had done. On the other hand, I think I should just cut this guy out of my life. I haven't responded yet and I hope I won't. Sweetie, he probably does miss you on some level. Why wouldn't he, you were a great girl. Men struggle with break ups like women do and often revert back to that "comfortable thing" they had. And don't call him out . . . he didn't really do anything wrong. You two just weren't on the same page because the communication was weak and it was very early in that "relationship". You also have some responsibility here as well. Just leave it be without carrying animosity around with you. You did have some nice times with this man and it just wasn't mean't to be. Remember the nice things and what you've learned here. You've learned a lot, take that with you and turn it into a positive. 1
Photofinish Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Don't be too scared about losing my virginity. . Dont let anyone or life pressure you. Do it when you feel ready, dont let some guy influence your morals or beliefs . Sex is a huge emotional commitment , at least for most people . I sometimes was clouded by my beliefs and my "fears" . Turns out they were more different then what I thought they were. 2
Author Tayaurassa Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 OP, I'd just say that sometimes people put themselves first and take advantage of a situation to get their needs met. Often they're not even "bad" people, so that makes the situation even more cloudy. I think each of us in the dating pool has to enter into liaisons with people with our eyes wide open. Deceitful people know well how to communicate "clearly," so you think you're on the up and up, but eventually behaviors don't match words and you have to be willing to recognize that for what it is and call the person out on it, and then stand back and see what they do. It's a matter of being constantly on your toes...and even once a reasonable amount of trust is established, people can still betray you. Good people, too. People kind-of suck. I don't think he's a bad person either. We had a lot of nice memories together and I still believe he was sincere at those moments. I agree that he just puts himself first. Plus, our bad communication. I have decided I won't respond to his text and I'll just move on. It won't be hard for him to forget me since he has 2 (or more) girls by his side anyway. 3
elaine567 Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I have decided I won't respond to his text and I'll just move on. It won't be hard for him to forget me since he has 2 (or more) girls by his side anyway. Good decision. He won't be lonely either... 2
Lokin4AReason Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 What I will do in my future dating life: 1.Have the talk within 3 months or not long after being intimate. Ask the guy clear questions. Make sure we both understand each other and know "what we are". 2.Be more cautious. Don't trust people too fast. But I also need to remember that not every guy is like this. I shouldn't judge everyone just because I had a bad experience. 3.Need to learn how to distinguish gestures of loves and controlling. 4.Don't be too scared about losing my virginity. don't rush into it, if you don't want to. I know some people that waited until marriage and I respected them for that. why, because ( IMO besides giving life in this world ) is giving yourself to a person that truly loves you for you are and not at what you can offer ( as in bedroom activities ) ... he may not show up now but he is out there somewhere .... just be patient and again this is my opinion ... 1
Author Tayaurassa Posted January 15, 2015 Author Posted January 15, 2015 Good decision. He won't be lonely either... Some quick questions... Is it okay that I'm still friends with his friends? They're awesome. And by exclusivity before sex, does it include cuddling? (Stupid question, I know.)
guest569 Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I have decided I won't respond to his text and I'll just move on. It won't be hard for him to forget me since he has 2 (or more) girls by his side anyway. Good for you! Sounds like you are doing just fine and doing all the right things to move on. Nothing that he has to say is going to be of any use to you, it will most likely just be upsetting to hear him out, or raise more questions etc. you don't need that. 1
CarrieT Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Is it okay that I'm still friends with his friends? They're awesome. Absolutely! If you met great people through him, there is no reason you can't maintain those friendships. As an example, my last relationship (the ending of which brought me to this website) was horrible and toxic on so many levels. But my Ex's best friend was like a little brother I never had. He was there for me and helped me through the darkest times of my break-up. Now, seven years after the ending of that relationship, I have this amazing friend who will be in my life forever and is ultimately the best thing I got out of that horrible episode in my life. And by exclusivity before sex, does it include cuddling? (Stupid question, I know.) It can include whatever YOU decide. The key will be communication with your next partner. Don't be afraid to define the parameters of what "exclusive" means on every level. You will appear intelligent and insightful if you bring it up and not make any assumptions. 2
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