elaine567 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Those are not gestures of love, they are gestures of control. Yes, and he needs me, therefore he loves me, is another misconception. 3
Author Tayaurassa Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 Women often misinterpret control for love. He is jealous so he must love me, he wants me next to him while he studies he must love me. Those are not gestures of love, they are gestures of control. Yes, and he needs me, therefore he loves me, is another misconception. I thought that wanting to spend a lot of time with someone is one of the gestures of love. Could you please tell me more about what are gestures of love? My self esteem and pride are so low right now. I feel like I won't be able to tell who exactly are sincere and who are not. I feel really dumb.
Author Tayaurassa Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 We all preach about the "exclusive" question, the exclusive talk, but with guys like this, would we have any reason to believe them anyway? "Yeah baby, we are exclusive" is easily said. Exactly! I think I will definitely have trust issues from now on.
Gaeta Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Wanting to spend time with someone is a gesture of love but not in the context your boyfriend was doing it. He is demanding of you being there when he cannot give you the attention you deserve, knowing you could be doing something else more productive elsewhere. Him wanting you there while he studies is controlling and selfish. He only has himself in mind when he does that. It's the same as him asking 'shut up, stand there, and be pretty'. And while you are there next to him, doing nothing, being pretty, well he knows you are not somewhere else flirting with another man. He is controlling your time and your environment. 4
Redhead14 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 (edited) So I had been seeing this guy I met online for about 9 months. Things had been really great. We texted almost everyday/called or skype from time to time when something's up. He's 5 years older than me but can be needy and childish sometimes. Anyway, I really like some of his qualities eg. he's so affectionate towards me and not afraid to show it in public, very caring etc. We hung out a lot and did some fun/exciting outdoor activities together like hiking, joining festivals etc. I met his friends many times and they seem to like me a lot too. We had some intimacy going on but I haven't slept with him yet. I'm a virgin and wanted to wait until I actually feel like I'm ready. He's very sexual but never pressured me to have sex with him. I sincerely appreciated that. As things had been going so great, I slowly fall for him and I thought I was in love with him. I was going to tell him that I'm ready to be his. Before I left for vacation, I stayed over at his place. He bought me really nice and thoughtful gifts for Christmas. I was so happy since he's usually very careful with spending money. He bought me nice/pricey stuff before and it makes me feel very special since I'm very sure he doesn't do that to anyone else, except his family. The next morning when I was about to leave, I saw a used condom near his bed! I pointed it out to him and his face went pale. He asked me, "are you angry?" Well, at that point I was so shocked I couldn't say anything except "no, I'm not." He tried to ask for a kiss before I left but I refused. He definitely knew I was not very happy about it but he texted me like nothing happened. I decided to write him an e-mail, saying what's on my mind (including the I was ready to let him be my first). We've never really had "the talk" but I seriously thought we were exclusive. There were many times he led me on so I think that way..like he'd say "I can't believe you're talking to other guys when you're seeing me," (noted: they are all my friends and I told him that.) He'd try to peek at my phone sometimes and accused me of hiding stuff from him. He even mentioned a couple times that he wanted me to move in with him. After he read that e-mail, he messaged me that I'm so important to him and that maybe he's stupid but he thought we decided to be friends. (WHAT?!?) I then asked him how many people he's dating. He said, "I'm single." I reminded him about that condom, so he finally said he's seeing other 2 girls. I can't even describe how crushed I was. All that time we kissed/cuddled/ etc. he thought we were friends?! He later said he "can be in a relationship" with me which made me even more hurt. It's like being in a relationship is nothing serious. If you want it, I can do it for you...in that sense. I told him again that I want to know what he wants, not what he can do. Then he started blaming me for making it hard for him to pursue something more. He said I didn't let him meet my friends (Not true. When I invited him to events with my friends, he just couldn't make it.) or that I didn't go take care of him when he was injured (Not true. I asked him if he needs a company and he said it's okay, he wants me to have a nice weekend. To me, it means he tried to turn it down in a polite way.) He said he can't be in a relationship with someone who wouldn't take care of him when he is hurt/injured. Anyway, I could reason everything against his accuses. In the end, he just said I deserve so much better. We haven't talked since then which is about more than a week. I'm left hanging confused about what the hell was going on?! Did I miss something here? Do you understand what he was thinking at all? I'm still quite hurt about how it turned out. You allowed this "relationship" to go on way too long without clarifying things with him. He probably wanted to have that talk but was as afraid to bring it up as you. A guy won't usually bring it up until he's pretty sure he understands or believes you will be receptive in a positive way. If they don't do it by say 5 or 6 months (if there hasn't been intimacy), the woman needs to do it. If its sooner than that and you have been intimate, it needs to be done prior to or very shortly after intimacy. In addition, it's just fine that you didn't want to have sex with him, but really after 9 months and you not wanting that, it is not surprising that he thought you just wanted to be "friends". Without having the "talk" with a man, you don't know what is or is not important to him and what he wants out of a relationship. He apparently wants sex as part of a relationship. He told you he can be in a relationship with you if you want that. You need to tell him you want that. I find it a little odd, though, that you still didn't want sex with him. Are you not attracted to him in that way? If you're not, I'd re-evaluate whether he is the guy for you. Edited January 12, 2015 by Redhead14 2
Author Tayaurassa Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 Without have the "talk" with a man, you don't know what is or is not important to him and what he wants out of a relationship. He apparently wants sex as part of a relationship. He told you he can be in a relationship with you if you want that. You need to tell him you want that. I find it a little odd, though, that you still didn't want sex with him. Are you not attracted to him in that way? If you're not, I'd re-evaluate whether he is the guy for you. We do anything except intercourse and I don't think it means I want to be friends with him. It's not that I don't want to have sex with him or that I'm asexual either. When I see hot guys, of course I think about sex too. However, I'm still a bit scared about my first time and I want to do it with someone I trust. And I want it to be monogamy. I told him that and I asked him what he "wants" from me, but he didn't say what exactly he "wants". He just said that he "can be" in a relationship with me. That doesn't make me feel like he actually wants it. Plus, I can't really trust him the way I did anymore.
Redhead14 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 We do anything except intercourse and I don't think it means I want to be friends with him. It's not that I don't want to have sex with him or that I'm asexual either. When I see hot guys, of course I think about sex too. However, I'm still a bit scared about my first time and I want to do it with someone I trust. And I want it to be monogamy. I told him that and I asked him what he "wants" from me, but he didn't say what exactly he "wants". He just said that he "can be" in a relationship with me. That doesn't make me feel like he actually wants it. Plus, I can't really trust him the way I did anymore. If after 9 months you don't trust this man enough to be intimate with him, you need to move on. He told you he can be in a relationship with you but I'm betting he doesn't think you're that invested. He told you he can be in a relationship with you, what else should he say? Why don't you trust him? This all sounds like YOU don't know what you want with him. He is confused by your signals. He would like a relationship to develop, but it's not and it's because you are holding back, not just sexually, either. You aren't communicating effectively. Until you both have declared exclusivity, he's free to date or be intimate with anyone he wants to. You aren't boyfriend and girlfriend because it's not clear. Some people here will say that after nine months it's assumed that you are a couple. People should never assume anything in a "relationship". Unless you've communicated effectively and mutually, you don't know anything. 2
Gaeta Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 We do anything except intercourse and I don't think it means I want to be friends with him. It's not that I don't want to have sex with him or that I'm asexual either. When I see hot guys, of course I think about sex too. However, I'm still a bit scared about my first time and I want to do it with someone I trust. And I want it to be monogamy. I told him that and I asked him what he "wants" from me, but he didn't say what exactly he "wants". He just said that he "can be" in a relationship with me. That doesn't make me feel like he actually wants it. Plus, I can't really trust him the way I did anymore. Hon, doing everything but intercourse IS having sex! You think by withholding intercourse he was proving himself to you? When you don't want to have sex then you don't fool around and let a man cum in your mouth! You gave him sexual gratification why would he not stick around? And I want it to be monogamy. I told him that and I asked him what he "wants" from me, but he didn't say what exactly he "wants". He just said that he "can be" in a relationship with me. Translating what he said: We are NOT in a relationship but I can be if it's your desire.You did NOT confirm to him you wanted to be in an official monogamous relationship with him so he kept on doing his thing as a single man. 1
Jono85 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 I think you have handled this with a lot of naivety. 1. Naive for assuming exclusivity 2. Naive for thinking that a man that had been sexually active in the past would go back to abstinence for a long period of time 3. Naive for thinking because he has casual sex while he is single he cannot have feelings for you. He is right, if you see someone, if you are not exclusive, if you are not intimate, then you are friends. The difference between friendship and romance is sex. So again, what's the problem? lmao the fact that there are people of this opinion is disgusting. was she naive? certainly. was this guy a monster D-bag who took advantage of her? 100%. please don't try to paint this as if there are no problems here or he did nothing wrong. gimme a break. yeah my friends always make out and cuddle with their friends of the opposite sex and buy them expensive gifts...seems pretty normal to me. good god. 2
Jono85 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 While I hate that I have experiences that make me feel this way and I hate that the world now works this way, I have to semi-back up Gaeta here. I've even posted similar within the last week somewhere. Modern dating has become such a ****show of selfishness and lack of humanity to each other that trying to establish what the state of someone you want to date's love life is has become a game of precision semantics. A huge proportion of people out there, particularly younger generations but readily adopted by ****birds of the older generations because suddenly they can get away with it, think it's reasonable to piss around with the question of whether they're single or not. If you don't use the exact language to ask the question, they simply won't reveal to you that they have FWB or do ONS, or change the definition of "dating" to exclude people they *are dating* with weasel beliefs like "she's not important" or "it's only once a month" or "we're on a break". They've created a whole new range of definitions, a lexicon, to obfuscate the simple question of whether they're single - because doing so enables them to lie to people, take advantage of the less manipulative, and keep their options as wide open as possible. So that's why Gaeta has literally advised here that we have to ask someone, someone we're supposed to be dating, the cartoonishly clinical question "Are you sexually active?" like we're their pox doctor. Because that's the only way to reduce the question down to the basic premise and avoid them playing games. Is there anyone, of any gender or orientation, that you are now, have been within the last month or will in future, have any form of intimate encounter with? 2015, ladies and gentlemen. What a ****ing beautiful world filled with beautiful people, right. Are you sexually active? you aren't wrong, but don't excuse the behaviour. a guy KNOWS what he's doing. people KNOW when they are taking advantage of such semantics. sure, it is a reality it seems, but that doesn't make these people any less disgusting simply because there's more people (i also agree it seems like a newer generational thing) doing it. there's also a TON of people posting selfies every day on Insta in low-cut tops and feeding off the daily attention that brings, but that doesn't mean i'd ever date one of these people. there are a lot of things that have started to become more 'normal' but you don't have to conform to or excuse the behavior. so yeah, she definitely will learn lessons here, but it's pretty sad that a guy would do this, and the fact that OP is asking how she should approach this now, also leads me to believe she may have some self-esteem issues, b/c there's no way IMO that any self-respecting girl who found this out should want anything to do with the guy again. 2
cif Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Allow me to be a bit vulgar for a second.. if you are having oral sex, and assuming you both are climaxing, you are in a sexual relationship. You were not exclusive with the guy so him thinking you are "friends" is more like FWB. It is near impossible for someone to go 9 months without sexual intercourse. Can't imagine it. With that said, this guy is a cheater. Why? Because he straight up lied/ hid from you the fact he was sleeping with other people. This not only hurts you emotionally, but can also harm you by passing along STDs. Next time you're in a relationship don't be afraid to have open discussions about exclusivity and sex. If after 3 months you are not feeling it with a guy, move on. 1
guest569 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 The man is a liar and a nasty person. OP has done nothing wrong. I would recommend just assume it is completely done and dusted and try your best to move on and forget him. Since you haven't heard from him in a week, i think its safe to say he knows its over. If he does contact you say the "friendship" is over. 1
Gaeta Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 I don't think telling OP she has done nothing wrong is helping her. It actually sends her the message that next time she should proceed the exact same way cause well, she's done nothing wrong right. Yes this man is not going to win any price for his transparency and honesty but it does not change the fact we all have a part of responsibility in what we let into our life. OP needs to recognize what is her part into this, even if it's a small part, and to make sure she will proceed differently next time with better and clearer communication. She may also want to review her definition of <not having sex>. 1
Maleficent Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 (edited) I don't think telling OP she has done nothing wrong is helping her. It actually sends her the message that next time she should proceed the exact same way cause well, she's done nothing wrong right. Yes this man is not going to win any price for his transparency and honesty but it does not change the fact we all have a part of responsibility in what we let into our life. OP needs to recognize what is her part into this, even if it's a small part, and to make sure she will proceed differently next time with better and clearer communication. She may also want to review her definition of <not having sex>. Telling her it's her fault isn't going to help either. She did try to establish communication. He was being shady about it. She got played like many of us got played. But it's not her fault. Edited January 13, 2015 by Maleficent 3
Timshel Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Telling her it's her fault isn't going to help either. She did try to establish communication. He was being shady about it. She got played like many of us got played. But it's not her fault. Time to put big girl pants on, don't you think? I mean if we really care about her well being. She should hear the truth for a change. 2
Maleficent Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Time to put big girl pants on, don't you think? I mean if we really care about her well being. She should hear the truth for a change. Basicslly what is happening here is that people are blaming her for his behaviour. What's she supposed to do? Ask if they're still together on a regular basis? Some people here expect her to have acted in ways no one really acts when they are in relationship. He played her. We don't know how well he played his game. If anybody needs to put on their adult pants on, it's him. 4
HisPresence Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 (edited) The difference between friendship and romance is sex. I have a different view on this. My BF he had quite lots of one night stand in the past. Where he said that it was just 'PURELY physical' to him. He leave right after sex, and he didn't even bother text them, or keep in touch with them after the '1 night stand' He said it wasn't even romance, it just simply for the 'physical pleasure' when he horny. Both parties mutually agree, have sex just for the physical of it, and both walk out their seperate ways afterward. So even if there was sex in it, that does NOT guarantee a friendship or romanance. There are things that call '1 night stand' and 'no string attach sex'. Edited January 13, 2015 by HisPresence 2
Timshel Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Basicslly what is happening here is that people are blaming her for his behaviour. What's she supposed to do? Ask if they're still together on a regular basis? Some people here expect her to have acted in ways no one really acts when they are in relationship. He played her. We don't know how well he played his game. If anybody needs to put on their adult pants on, it's him. Nope, not blaming her. Time to learn how to take care of and take responsibility for herself, health and well-being. Should she wait a year or two before she can take care of and stand up for herself? How about since she just got "played," she learns how to do that now. Also, ^^^^THIS^^^^ 1
guest569 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Well what are you suggesting to OP, that she never trust a living soul again? Because thats the only way to avoid this scenario. Lots of us have been there. As for the supposed "difference" between "seeing someone" and "sexually seeing someone" what a load of crap. Ok? The man was a total prick, lying AND being deliberately misleading. There is no need to be blaming OP, I'm sure she can learn from the experience without blaming herself for something that she didnt do. 4
Gaeta Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Well what are you suggesting to OP, that she never trust a living soul again? Because thats the only way to avoid this scenario. Lots of us have been there. As for the supposed "difference" between "seeing someone" and "sexually seeing someone" what a load of crap. Ok? The man was a total prick, lying AND being deliberately misleading. There is no need to be blaming OP, I'm sure she can learn from the experience without blaming herself for something that she didnt do. Exactly my point. The world is full of lying pricks so we have to look out for ourselves by communicating and asking crystal clear questions. Unfortunately nowadays you cannot assume exclusivity. It sucks but it's the way it is. I am in no way blaming her. Recognizing our part of responsibility in an event is being intelligent and mature. It's not a blaming game. It's having an adult conversation about facts. 2
guest569 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 So even when both parties state that they are exclusive, that is not good enough, that is "assuming" they are being truthful. The truth comes to light when a used condom is found. Ok that is awesome. 1
Maleficent Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Nope, not blaming her. Time to learn how to take care of and take responsibility for herself, health and well-being. Should she wait a year or two before she can take care of and stand up for herself? How about since she just got "played," she learns how to do that now. Also, ^^^^THIS^^^^ I did not say otherwise. People assume she was naive. I assume he played his game well. Let's just agree to disagree. 2
Maleficent Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Well what are you suggesting to OP, that she never trust a living soul again? Because thats the only way to avoid this scenario. Lots of us have been there. As for the supposed "difference" between "seeing someone" and "sexually seeing someone" what a load of crap. Ok? The man was a total prick, lying AND being deliberately misleading. There is no need to be blaming OP, I'm sure she can learn from the experience without blaming herself for something that she didnt do. This! Next guy she meets will probably be a super nice guy and if she listens to some people here, she'll come off as super insecure because she keeps asking 'are we together?' 'Do you love me?' 'Are we exclusive?' 2
Gaeta Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Oh please people ! We are talking about her being more clear and communicative in the future NOT becoming insecure and distrusting. 2
Author Tayaurassa Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 If after 9 months you don't trust this man enough to be intimate with him, you need to move on. He told you he can be in a relationship with you but I'm betting he doesn't think you're that invested. He told you he can be in a relationship with you, what else should he say? Why don't you trust him? This all sounds like YOU don't know what you want with him. He is confused by your signals. He would like a relationship to develop, but it's not and it's because you are holding back, not just sexually, either. You aren't communicating effectively. Until you both have declared exclusivity, he's free to date or be intimate with anyone he wants to. You aren't boyfriend and girlfriend because it's not clear. Some people here will say that after nine months it's assumed that you are a couple. People should never assume anything in a "relationship". Unless you've communicated effectively and mutually, you don't know anything. Thank you for clarifying! I see your points. Maybe it's just me but I have a feeling that he doesn't want to...he's only doing it because I want to. If he agrees to do so, then I won't leave him. You know what I mean? But yes, it's my fault for assuming things
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