One used-condom changed everything...what's going on?

[Gaeta]

No freaking sh*t.

 

Had this happened after 2-3 months, I would be with Gaeta on this. But 9 months?

Come on. That guy is a douchebag.

 

Of course he's a douche bag! but you and I would probably have had the 'exclusive conversation' after 2-3 months right? And we're talking about a foreigner with no family around, a wife and a child abroad, I think a very serious conversation needed to happen way before 9 months.

[almond]

She did have an "exclusive" conversation with him though.

 

'seeing someone else' is not the same as 'are you sexually active with someone else'. If he is having sexual sex he is not seeing someone else. 'seeing someone' is the same as dating someone.

 

Sounds like you both had different definition of 'seeing someone' means.

 

Example: if I have a fwb I am not seeing someone. I am single and free to date. If I meet a man and he asks me if I am 'seeing someone' my answer is no. I am not seeing someone. If he asks me if I am sexually active my answer is yes.

 

I know to you it sounds like I am stretching it but I have been dating for many years and I know with men we have to be very specific.

 

She asked him after seeing him for a while to let her know if he is seeing any other women. I think it's pretty clear what that means...especially when looked at in context with all of his other behaviour.

 

If I was dating a guy and asked him after a few weeks if he was "seeing" anyone else at that point, I'd assume that any reasonable adult would know exactly what I was asking. I've never heard it said before that you need to specifically ask someone you're dating if they're "sexually seeing" anyone else.

 

Seems like you're grasping at straws a bit to be honest.

 

think a very serious conversation needed to happen way before 9 months.

 

They had. He was showering her with expensive gifts, telling her he wants to move her into his house. Introducing her to his friends, being intimate with her. Going through her phone. Accusing her of hiding things from him. Doesn't sound like something "just a friend" would do to me.

 

I don't think any of the blame for his disgraceful, deceitful behaviour can be placed on her. He knew exactly what he was doing. She had every right to believe it was an exclusive relationship. Him screwing two girls behind her back 9 months down the line wasn't simply due to miscommunication.

[almond]

Being intimate with a man and seeing jealousy through some of his actions would not be enough for me to assume exclusivity. If he had brought me to his parents house for dinner or brought me to his sibling's house for visits then yes, I may then assume we are exclusive.

 

So if a man takes you to his parent's house for dinner, or took you to visit a sibling, then you may assume you are exclusive?

 

But OP is wrong for assuming it even though he told her he wants to move her into his house!?

 

Doesn't make sense to me.

[Maleficent]

Of course he's a douche bag! but you and I would probably have had the 'exclusive conversation' after 2-3 months right? And we're talking about a foreigner with no family around, a wife and a child abroad, I think a very serious conversation needed to happen way before 9 months.

 

To be honest, I've never had the 'exclusivity talk'. And most people haven't.

 

Besides it takes two to tango. 9 months is a long time to go without making your intentions clear. Also, considering he apparently told her he wanted her to move in...he was, for all intents and purposes, acting like a boyfriend.

 

I find OP is not in a situation where she should be blamed for anything.

[Satu]

He sounds like a sexual opportunist who has sex with anyone he can get into his bed.

 

Delete, block, ignore.

[Gaeta]

So if a man takes you to his parent's house for dinner, or took you to visit a sibling, then you may assume you are exclusive?

 

But OP is wrong for assuming it even though he told her he wants to move her into his house!?

 

Doesn't make sense to me.

 

I would be suspicious of a man wanting to move me into his house but we're not having sex yet.

 

Doesn't that sound unusual for anyone here?

 

OP you didn't think that was weird? And what kind of living together offer was that? Did he offer you to move in to cut expenses, or you needed a place, what was that about?

[Satu]

 

Doesn't make sense to me.

 

Nor to me.

[HereNorThere]

Just a note for the future, if you're "hooking up" with someone for 9 months and you aren't boyfriend/girlfriend, you're friends with benefits.

 

Still, this guy is a pretty big douche. It doesn't seem like your feelings are high on his priority list.

[losangelena]

Just a note for the future, if you're "hooking up" with someone for 9 months and you aren't boyfriend/girlfriend, you're friends with benefits.

 

Still, this guy is a pretty big douche. It doesn't seem like your feelings are high on his priority list.

 

They weren't hooking up, though. She's never had sex with him. Pretty hard to be a FWB if there are no Bs.

[ascendotum]

'seeing someone else' is not the same as 'are you sexually active with someone else'. If he is having sexual sex he is not seeing someone else. 'seeing someone' is the same as dating someone.

 

Sounds like you both had different definition of 'seeing someone' means.

 

Example: if I have a fwb I am not seeing someone. I am single and free to date. If I meet a man and he asks me if I am 'seeing someone' my answer is no. I am not seeing someone. If he asks me if I am sexually active my answer is yes.

 

I know to you it sounds like I am stretching it but I have been dating for many years and I know with men we have to be very specific.

 

I certainly think after 9 mths she could infer that they were bf/gf from all the actions he displayed over that time. The thing is for lots of guys without sex its really not a proper bf/gf relationship. Its like more than friends but not she's not a full on proper gf. Nine months is a long time for a previously sexually active guy to wait on a girl, and while she emails him she was about to be ready for sex, he really didn't know prior to that point if it was going to be maybe 10-11-12 mths before she was ready. He might easily think she just emailed she was about ready for sex just to make him feel worse.

As things had been going so great, I slowly fall for him and I thought I was in love with him.

As I guy who has been dating a woman for many months I wouldn't want to hear this. "I'm now slowly falling for you" + "I think I'm might be becoming in love with you". Its not exactly reassuring for the guy to be going out with a woman for months when she has that mindset. Many woman love the instant chemistry + the gina tingles with a new bf, well lots of guys love the reciprocation of those feelings back. I realize this guy is her first bf, but women take a risk a guy is not going to satisfied to sacrifice sex for 9-10-12 mths when they want to take it that slow. If he wasn't happy though he should have told her he needs a deadline for sex. Obviously he wants to stay with her but getting some nookie on the side helps him ride it out, and by not putting pressure for sex he thought he was playing it the way she wanted. He cheated and knows it, and she has every right to feel very disappointed. They really both should have had talks every now and then as to how things were progressing and when they were going to consummate the relationship, so he at least knew of a looming date to look forward to. (If the date was along way off it might not have stopped him doing what he did though)

[Danda]

OP while you are hurting, there are definitely silver linings to your experience.

 

1. You didn't actually lose your virginity to this guy. I think the universe nudged that condom into eyesight just in the nick of time, eh? Many women are not so lucky as to dodge a bullet that huge damn-near Matrix style. So in the midst of your hurting, try to let yourself feel relieved and positive that you didn't actually sleep with him. Phew.

 

2. The first lesson you can take away from this is that you mustn't be so trusting and assuming in your future dating endeavors. I am very glad for you that you learned this lesson (many people do) without getting hurt worse, such as having caught an STD or actually having moved in with him. Lots of honest and trusting people get burnt like this before learning to communicate clearly and specifically, and to never assume, so you are not a fool, just learning a life lesson right now. But thank goodness you came out relatively unscathed.

 

3. The second lesson you can take away from this is that for most men, 9+ months is a long time to wait for sex. Honestly if a guy acts like he is perfectly fine with it, chances are that there is something amiss, like he is asexual or sleeping with other women or something. Now this doesn't mean it's acceptable for a guy to be a super pushy a-hole about sex, but a few months into a romantic relationship, most guys are going to start getting frustrated because it's instinct, they're attracted to you, they have feelings for you and they're physically very close to you on a regular basis. They also typically won't really understand why it's taking you 9+ months to decide if they are worthy of sleeping with you, because generally you can gauge this a few months into it. If you're worried that you will lose your V-card and then the relationship will end at some point - that is almost guaranteed to happen, so don't live and love in fear of it. Very seldom is our first also our last.

 

All in all though I'm glad you found out before sleeping with him. You can take a lot away from this experience.

[Leigh 87]

The guy is a selfish and uncaring A hole.

 

When a guy has a conscience, he is straight up and honest.

 

This has happened to me once or twice! One guy told me that he was falling in love with me, he initiated texts daily, asked to see me once or twice per week and he told me that he told his friends and family about me; he said he thought that we were going somewhere, and that he had never had such instant sort of connections with any woman prior to me. Then he went POOF; he disappeared without letting me know that he wasn't interested in seeing me again! We were "dating" for a month. I had no idea he just wasn't that into me; I thought he acted like he was falling for me at the time. HE ALSO acted jealous when I hung out with male friends!

....And another guy did this after one week together too...He kept saying how " amazing" I was:sick: when obviously he just wanted a few fun filled days of sex!

 

There are some positive stories. My ex FWB was honest from day one. Literally day one. A man KNOWS right away if you are someone he wants to date, or someone he is attracted enough to date, but who he doesn't "feel it with" enough to date. Hence the FWB tag. A guy just knows right away and he acts accordingly. Personally, I know the actions of a man who wants to date, opposed to a man who just wants to screw and hang out/talk sometimes.

 

One FWB and I are good friends, and we did actually chat daily at one stage! Yet I "knew" we were only FWB because we TALKED about it! From day one it was a mutually discussed agreement! We both only wanted FWB, despite the fact we really liked each other as people and had a high degree of attraction. The guy had the decency to thrash things out with me from day one! He wanted to avoid any confusion down the line; I KNEW that the deal was, yet he still wanted to ensure that everything was clear cut in order to avoid any potential pain Then guy I hooked up with a couple of months back was also honest! He said " well we didn't click on that level but I am extremely attracted to you and you are pleasant to hang out with, if you are keen for fun the ball is in your court" I declined - I felt we didn't click the way I had hoped and I don't enjoy casual at this stage in life so I was able to respectfully decline his offer of"fun". Had I WANTED to date him, however; at least I would have KNOWN that he didn't reciprocate, because he was straight up and honest with me!

 

What alarms me about this guys lack of empathy is that the OP is a VIRGIN! He KNEW she was a little more naïve and vulnerable:sick: He is a desperate loser who obviously doesn't have the charm or charisma to swoon the ladies enough, in order to convince them to be his FWB in an HONEST fashion! He has to play the " meet my friends and family" card so that the OP felt OK about being intimate with him!

 

He knew EXACTLY what was going on:mad:

 

A man KNOWS if a woman is more into him than he is into her! DECENT men will set he record straight in order to avoid hurting the woman in question:mad:

 

I have dated a lot and had sex with enough guys, lol, so inherently "know" if I am dating material versus FWB material to men, based on the way in which they treat me. The OP has not had the experience and insight into men to the extent that say, I and other women on here has. Heck, I KNEW both men on my story just wanted sex and chats! One wanted a good friendship from me - yet I STILL had the "talk" with them about where we both stood AT THE OFF CHANCE either guy had caught feelings - I KNEW they hadn't! But I still wanted to be 100% sure that I also didn't hurt them (by continuing to date other guys in the meanwhile while we had "fun"). I mean, I am of the train of thought, when it comes to a FWB, whereby I STILL have a brief chat JUST to ensure NO expectations are placed on me. THAT is how averse I am to hurting a man!

 

I find this story appalling and disparaging.

 

This guy couldn't just go to a club and pick up, or go to adult friend finder, craigslist or another means of getting a woman for an easy lay:lmao: My mates go online and they manage to find women on DATING websites who are keen for casual sex on their first meeting! These ARE NOT hot guys by anyone's standards really! Even they don't have to LIE to a woman in order to get sex!

 

I hate people like this guy. Really. They are a very pathetic breed of men who would rather hurt woman than to get sex the honest way.

[Gaeta]

These 2 had oral sex. They pretty much did everything but penetration, that IS hooking up.

 

And don't get me going with the 'be glad you didn't get any std' most of what you can catch by penetration can be caught by oral sex.

[Gaeta]

OP I am very sorry this happened to you. The same happened to me and I am much older than you, so I should have known better, and I only understood after 1 year that I was just a hook up for him. On my end I really felt I was investing in a relationship. Maybe that is why I am a little harsh.

 

Don't assume anything and when you ask questions to a man don't use general expression like 'are you seeing someone', ask clear and direct questions. It sucks that we have to do that but it's what it has come to dating nowadays. Again, I am very sorry.

[hoping2heal]

I am sure he liked you if he tried so hard to lie his way out of getting dumped by you. He was like a cat backed into a corner, just throwing out various lies at you and hoping one actually sticks enough to make you believe him.

 

He's a liar, liar, pants on fire. Everything he was doing with you, he was already doing with 2 other women. Sorry this happened because that's just cold.

 

Glad you didn't sleep with him though

[Tayaurassa]

i was in a situation extremely similar to this with one of the first guys I dated. my best advice is to cut your losses and move on. you do deserve better than this. dont invest anymore time in this d-bag, he is obviously not serious about you.

 

after nine months of dating and you're just friends to him? yeah...no.

 

People debate whether an exclusivity talk is necessary, I think they're good to have but sometimes you just "know"...either way, you've been with him for nine months. that' too long in my book to not be exclusive, and it's obvious to me that he didn't view your relationship as exclusive even if you did. Trying to make sense of this situation will torment you. trust me. Dont go back to him and learn from this experience to have more dialogue abut the relationship stage in the future.

I'm sorry you had to go through similar experience. We haven't communicated at all. It makes me kind of sad to see that he seems fine cutting contact with me as well. His friends still keep in touch with me though. Is that weird? :/ One thing I'm grateful about is that I know a lot of cool people through him. They're really nice.

[Tayaurassa]

I would be suspicious of a man wanting to move me into his house but we're not having sex yet.

 

Doesn't that sound unusual for anyone here?

 

OP you didn't think that was weird? And what kind of living together offer was that? Did he offer you to move in to cut expenses, or you needed a place, what was that about?

Well, I honestly thought it was too fast to think about moving in. But he's always acted needy, so I thought he wants to move things to the next level. By being needy, I mean he'd get upset if I didn't text him back within 1 day. Or he'd really like me to be around even though we did nothing..he's doing his MBA and there were many times when he asked me to just be around when he did his homework. I might be reading books/taking a nap while he did his homework. I thought it was quite a waste of time for me but that made him happy so I was willing to do it for him.

 

About him being divorced, he didn't lie. He let me listen to him skyping with his ex-wife. I also saw her Facebook. She remarried and has kids with her now husband.

[Tayaurassa]

OP while you are hurting, there are definitely silver linings to your experience.

 

1. You didn't actually lose your virginity to this guy. I think the universe nudged that condom into eyesight just in the nick of time, eh? Many women are not so lucky as to dodge a bullet that huge damn-near Matrix style. So in the midst of your hurting, try to let yourself feel relieved and positive that you didn't actually sleep with him. Phew.

 

2. The first lesson you can take away from this is that you mustn't be so trusting and assuming in your future dating endeavors. I am very glad for you that you learned this lesson (many people do) without getting hurt worse, such as having caught an STD or actually having moved in with him. Lots of honest and trusting people get burnt like this before learning to communicate clearly and specifically, and to never assume, so you are not a fool, just learning a life lesson right now. But thank goodness you came out relatively unscathed.

 

3. The second lesson you can take away from this is that for most men, 9+ months is a long time to wait for sex. Honestly if a guy acts like he is perfectly fine with it, chances are that there is something amiss, like he is asexual or sleeping with other women or something. Now this doesn't mean it's acceptable for a guy to be a super pushy a-hole about sex, but a few months into a romantic relationship, most guys are going to start getting frustrated because it's instinct, they're attracted to you, they have feelings for you and they're physically very close to you on a regular basis. They also typically won't really understand why it's taking you 9+ months to decide if they are worthy of sleeping with you, because generally you can gauge this a few months into it. If you're worried that you will lose your V-card and then the relationship will end at some point - that is almost guaranteed to happen, so don't live and love in fear of it. Very seldom is our first also our last.

 

All in all though I'm glad you found out before sleeping with him. You can take a lot away from this experience.

Thank you for your kind words! I'm also glad I didn't sleep with him. He said, "I'm sorry you have to see it." But really, I was so lucky to find out.

 

They also typically won't really understand why it's taking you 9+ months to decide if they are worthy of sleeping with you, because generally you can gauge this a few months into it. If you're worried that you will lose your V-card and then the relationship will end at some point - that is almost guaranteed to happen, so don't live and love in fear of it. Very seldom is our first also our last.

 

I don't expect my first to be my last. I know the possibility is very low. I just want to do it with someone I can trust and when I'm sure that we're in a monogamous relationship. I never doubted anything about him and I trusted him so much I thought I was going to sleep with him..so yah...phew

[Tayaurassa]

The guy is a selfish and uncaring A hole.

 

When a guy has a conscience, he is straight up and honest.

 

This has happened to me once or twice! One guy told me that he was falling in love with me, he initiated texts daily, asked to see me once or twice per week and he told me that he told his friends and family about me; he said he thought that we were going somewhere, and that he had never had such instant sort of connections with any woman prior to me. Then he went POOF; he disappeared without letting me know that he wasn't interested in seeing me again! We were "dating" for a month. I had no idea he just wasn't that into me; I thought he acted like he was falling for me at the time. HE ALSO acted jealous when I hung out with male friends!

....And another guy did this after one week together too...He kept saying how " amazing" I was:sick: when obviously he just wanted a few fun filled days of sex!

 

There are some positive stories. My ex FWB was honest from day one. Literally day one. A man KNOWS right away if you are someone he wants to date, or someone he is attracted enough to date, but who he doesn't "feel it with" enough to date. Hence the FWB tag. A guy just knows right away and he acts accordingly. Personally, I know the actions of a man who wants to date, opposed to a man who just wants to screw and hang out/talk sometimes.

 

One FWB and I are good friends, and we did actually chat daily at one stage! Yet I "knew" we were only FWB because we TALKED about it! From day one it was a mutually discussed agreement! We both only wanted FWB, despite the fact we really liked each other as people and had a high degree of attraction. The guy had the decency to thrash things out with me from day one! He wanted to avoid any confusion down the line; I KNEW that the deal was, yet he still wanted to ensure that everything was clear cut in order to avoid any potential pain Then guy I hooked up with a couple of months back was also honest! He said " well we didn't click on that level but I am extremely attracted to you and you are pleasant to hang out with, if you are keen for fun the ball is in your court" I declined - I felt we didn't click the way I had hoped and I don't enjoy casual at this stage in life so I was able to respectfully decline his offer of"fun". Had I WANTED to date him, however; at least I would have KNOWN that he didn't reciprocate, because he was straight up and honest with me!

 

What alarms me about this guys lack of empathy is that the OP is a VIRGIN! He KNEW she was a little more naïve and vulnerable:sick: He is a desperate loser who obviously doesn't have the charm or charisma to swoon the ladies enough, in order to convince them to be his FWB in an HONEST fashion! He has to play the " meet my friends and family" card so that the OP felt OK about being intimate with him!

 

He knew EXACTLY what was going on:mad:

 

A man KNOWS if a woman is more into him than he is into her! DECENT men will set he record straight in order to avoid hurting the woman in question:mad:

 

I have dated a lot and had sex with enough guys, lol, so inherently "know" if I am dating material versus FWB material to men, based on the way in which they treat me. The OP has not had the experience and insight into men to the extent that say, I and other women on here has. Heck, I KNEW both men on my story just wanted sex and chats! One wanted a good friendship from me - yet I STILL had the "talk" with them about where we both stood AT THE OFF CHANCE either guy had caught feelings - I KNEW they hadn't! But I still wanted to be 100% sure that I also didn't hurt them (by continuing to date other guys in the meanwhile while we had "fun"). I mean, I am of the train of thought, when it comes to a FWB, whereby I STILL have a brief chat JUST to ensure NO expectations are placed on me. THAT is how averse I am to hurting a man!

 

I find this story appalling and disparaging.

 

This guy couldn't just go to a club and pick up, or go to adult friend finder, craigslist or another means of getting a woman for an easy lay:lmao: My mates go online and they manage to find women on DATING websites who are keen for casual sex on their first meeting! These ARE NOT hot guys by anyone's standards really! Even they don't have to LIE to a woman in order to get sex!

 

I hate people like this guy. Really. They are a very pathetic breed of men who would rather hurt woman than to get sex the honest way.

Thank you for sharing your experiences! This guy is actually attractive and has a hot body. I know it's easy for him to pick up girls at clubs/dating sites or places like that. His friends even mentioned how girls were all over him when they went clubbing. But like I said I trusted him so much, I didn't even think about it or find it threatening.

 

I just wish he told me earlier that he just wants to be friends or whatever. I can take it and we can have boundaries like normal friends do. Finding out this way just hurts.

[endlessabyss]

Welcome to modern dating, where anything goes

[shet]

While I hate that I have experiences that make me feel this way and I hate that the world now works this way, I have to semi-back up Gaeta here. I've even posted similar within the last week somewhere.

 

Modern dating has become such a ****show of selfishness and lack of humanity to each other that trying to establish what the state of someone you want to date's love life is has become a game of precision semantics. A huge proportion of people out there, particularly younger generations but readily adopted by ****birds of the older generations because suddenly they can get away with it, think it's reasonable to piss around with the question of whether they're single or not. If you don't use the exact language to ask the question, they simply won't reveal to you that they have FWB or do ONS, or change the definition of "dating" to exclude people they *are dating* with weasel beliefs like "she's not important" or "it's only once a month" or "we're on a break". They've created a whole new range of definitions, a lexicon, to obfuscate the simple question of whether they're single - because doing so enables them to lie to people, take advantage of the less manipulative, and keep their options as wide open as possible.

 

So that's why Gaeta has literally advised here that we have to ask someone, someone we're supposed to be dating, the cartoonishly clinical question "Are you sexually active?" like we're their pox doctor. Because that's the only way to reduce the question down to the basic premise and avoid them playing games. Is there anyone, of any gender or orientation, that you are now, have been within the last month or will in future, have any form of intimate encounter with?

 

2015, ladies and gentlemen. What a ****ing beautiful world filled with beautiful people, right. Are you sexually active?

Edited January 12, 2015 by shet

[Toodaloo]

Am I the only person here who is a bit gagged out that he didn't bother to put a used condom in the bin?

 

OP this one is not who you thought.

 

Chalk it up, grieve and move on.

 

Just a tip. Do not try to be friends with him now.

 

Good luck.

[elaine567]

We all preach about the "exclusive" question, the exclusive talk, but with guys like this, would we have any reason to believe them anyway?

"Yeah baby, we are exclusive" is easily said.

[ponchsox]

I stopped reading at "but can be needy and childish sometimes."

[Gaeta]

Well, I honestly thought it was too fast to think about moving in. But he's always acted needy, so I thought he wants to move things to the next level. By being needy, I mean he'd get upset if I didn't text him back within 1 day. Or he'd really like me to be around even though we did nothing..he's doing his MBA and there were many times when he asked me to just be around when he did his homework. I might be reading books/taking a nap while he did his homework. I thought it was quite a waste of time for me but that made him happy so I was willing to do it for him.

 

About him being divorced, he didn't lie. He let me listen to him skyping with his ex-wife. I also saw her Facebook. She remarried and has kids with her now husband.

 

Women often misinterpret control for love. He is jealous so he must love me, he wants me next to him while he studies he must love me.

 

Those are not gestures of love, they are gestures of control.