Tayaurassa Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 So I had been seeing this guy I met online for about 9 months. Things had been really great. We texted almost everyday/called or skype from time to time when something's up. He's 5 years older than me but can be needy and childish sometimes. Anyway, I really like some of his qualities eg. he's so affectionate towards me and not afraid to show it in public, very caring etc. We hung out a lot and did some fun/exciting outdoor activities together like hiking, joining festivals etc. I met his friends many times and they seem to like me a lot too. We had some intimacy going on but I haven't slept with him yet. I'm a virgin and wanted to wait until I actually feel like I'm ready. He's very sexual but never pressured me to have sex with him. I sincerely appreciated that. As things had been going so great, I slowly fall for him and I thought I was in love with him. I was going to tell him that I'm ready to be his. Before I left for vacation, I stayed over at his place. He bought me really nice and thoughtful gifts for Christmas. I was so happy since he's usually very careful with spending money. He bought me nice/pricey stuff before and it makes me feel very special since I'm very sure he doesn't do that to anyone else, except his family. The next morning when I was about to leave, I saw a used condom near his bed! I pointed it out to him and his face went pale. He asked me, "are you angry?" Well, at that point I was so shocked I couldn't say anything except "no, I'm not." He tried to ask for a kiss before I left but I refused. He definitely knew I was not very happy about it but he texted me like nothing happened. I decided to write him an e-mail, saying what's on my mind (including the I was ready to let him be my first). We've never really had "the talk" but I seriously thought we were exclusive. There were many times he led me on so I think that way..like he'd say "I can't believe you're talking to other guys when you're seeing me," (noted: they are all my friends and I told him that.) He'd try to peek at my phone sometimes and accused me of hiding stuff from him. He even mentioned a couple times that he wanted me to move in with him. After he read that e-mail, he messaged me that I'm so important to him and that maybe he's stupid but he thought we decided to be friends. (WHAT?!?) I then asked him how many people he's dating. He said, "I'm single." I reminded him about that condom, so he finally said he's seeing other 2 girls. I can't even describe how crushed I was. All that time we kissed/cuddled/ etc. he thought we were friends?! He later said he "can be in a relationship" with me which made me even more hurt. It's like being in a relationship is nothing serious. If you want it, I can do it for you...in that sense. I told him again that I want to know what he wants, not what he can do. Then he started blaming me for making it hard for him to pursue something more. He said I didn't let him meet my friends (Not true. When I invited him to events with my friends, he just couldn't make it.) or that I didn't go take care of him when he was injured (Not true. I asked him if he needs a company and he said it's okay, he wants me to have a nice weekend. To me, it means he tried to turn it down in a polite way.) He said he can't be in a relationship with someone who wouldn't take care of him when he is hurt/injured. Anyway, I could reason everything against his accuses. In the end, he just said I deserve so much better. We haven't talked since then which is about more than a week. I'm left hanging confused about what the hell was going on?! Did I miss something here? Do you understand what he was thinking at all? I'm still quite hurt about how it turned out.
Gaeta Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 (edited) I think you have handled this with a lot of naivety. 1. Naive for assuming exclusivity 2. Naive for thinking that a man that had been sexually active in the past would go back to abstinence for a long period of time 3. Naive for thinking because he has casual sex while he is single he cannot have feelings for you. He is right, if you see someone, if you are not exclusive, if you are not intimate, then you are friends. The difference between friendship and romance is sex. So again, what's the problem? Edited January 11, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed derogatory statement 11
abby_tx Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 The fact that this went on 9 months makes me furious. He played you for 9 months. I say ignore him and find a guy that will actually care about you. 8
Gaeta Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 The fact that this went on 9 months makes me furious. He played you for 9 months. I say ignore him and find a guy that will actually care about you. No one plays you without your consent. How come she did not bring up exclusivity if it was important to her? 8
Author Tayaurassa Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 I think you have handled this with a lot of naivety. 1. Naive for assuming exclusivity 2. Naive for thinking that a man that had been sexually active in the past would go back to abstinence for a long period of time 3. Naive for thinking because he has casual sex while he is single he cannot have feelings for you. He is right, if you see someone, if you are not exclusive, if you are not intimate, then you are friends. The difference between friendship and romance is sex. So again, what's the problem? The problem is I told him from the beginning to let me know if he sees someone else. I don't like sharing. I can be good friends with him, but to me kissing/cuddling/oral sex are definitely not for friends. I asked him if he does that to his friends and he said no. 4
abby_tx Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 No one plays you without your consent. How come she did not bring up exclusivity if it was important to her? This could be a regional thing. Here people date a few times and exclusivity is assumed and the conversation never pops up. 3
Author Tayaurassa Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 The fact that this went on 9 months makes me furious. He played you for 9 months. I say ignore him and find a guy that will actually care about you. Yeah...9 months is a long time. I'm trying to get over it but it's hard.
elaine567 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 You didn't have the exclusivity talk because he acted like a bf. He duped you and played you. He didn't need to pressurise for sex, because his needs were being met elsewhere. You were just the "virgin" card in his deck, he could afford to wait for that notch on his bed post, because he had other women to scratch his itches. He is now trying to blame you for not being "good enough" for him. He did say one good thing though, you deserve so much better. 6
almond Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 No one plays you without your consent. How come she did not bring up exclusivity if it was important to her? I normally would agree with this, but: We've never really had "the talk" but I seriously thought we were exclusive. There were many times he led me on so I think that way..like he'd say "I can't believe you're talking to other guys when you're seeing me," (noted: they are all my friends and I told him that.) He'd try to peek at my phone sometimes and accused me of hiding stuff from him. He even mentioned a couple times that he wanted me to move in with him. He gave strong suggestions, to the point of confirmation, that they were exclusive. He was cheating in this instance. If they weren't exclusive and this was just a matter of "not having had the exclusivity chat", then he wouldn't have been invading her privacy snooping in her phone. He wouldn't have been attacking her for talking to other guys. Even accusing her of hiding things from him! He told her that he wanted her to move in with him!! Plus, it had been 9 months and they were intimate. I can see exactly why she thought they were past the point where she would have to raise the point of exclusivity! OP...he was an insecure ahole. You're a virgin, and inexperienced. Please be careful meeting people online. You got taken for a bit of a ride, and this douche took advantage. You dodged a bullet. Be happy, and keep your eyes open from now on! Cut all contact with this guy...he is absolutely no good for you. Move on, and take this as a lesson!! 13
beyond Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I think you have handled this with a lot of naivety. 1. Naive for assuming exclusivity 2. Naive for thinking that a man that had been sexually active in the past would go back to abstinence for a long period of time 3. Naive for thinking because he has casual sex while he is single he cannot have feelings for you. He is right, if you see someone, if you are not exclusive, if you are not intimate, then you are friends. The difference between friendship and romance is sex. So again, what's the problem? I think that is harsh. Of COURSE she is naive in some ways, she is a virgin and (I assume) quite young. If a guy says he will wait to have sex and in the meantime is affectionate, loving, says he doesn't want you to see other guys etc then I can see how OP would think they were an item. The time between dating a guy and starting a full sexual relationship with them can vary and that in between time is not 'friendship', it is still a romantic relationship. OP,I think because of his poor response when you told him how you felt (he clearly knew you weren't just friends!!!) I would walk away. xx 7
Gaeta Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 The problem is I told him from the beginning to let me know if he sees someone else. I don't like sharing. I can be good friends with him, but to me kissing/cuddling/oral sex are definitely not for friends. I asked him if he does that to his friends and he said no. 'seeing someone else' is not the same as 'are you sexually active with someone else'. If he is having sexual sex he is not seeing someone else. 'seeing someone' is the same as dating someone. Sounds like you both had different definition of 'seeing someone' means. Example: if I have a fwb I am not seeing someone. I am single and free to date. If I meet a man and he asks me if I am 'seeing someone' my answer is no. I am not seeing someone. If he asks me if I am sexually active my answer is yes. I know to you it sounds like I am stretching it but I have been dating for many years and I know with men we have to be very specific. 1
almond Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I know to you it sounds like I am stretching it but I have been dating for many years and I know with men we have to be very specific. Definitely stretching it I think. I don't know many men that would get angry at a girl for texting other guys, snoop through her phone, tell her he wants to move in with her...then (after getting busted with a used condom of course) honestly state that he thought they were "just friends" the whole time Would have to have been dropped on his head as baby to be that dense. It seems pretty straight forward to me...he deceived her, had sex with other girls behind her back, got busted, and then came out with a bullcrap response. 17
angel.eyes Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I'm sorry that you spent nine months with someone who ultimately proved so untrustworthy and dishonest. Be grateful though that you discovered his deceit now rather than later when you would have been even more emotionally invested in the relationship. What I find especially bothersome is the fact that he tried to deflect attention away from what he clearly knew was wrong by suddenly blaming you for things that he previously refused to do (meeting your friends, letting you visit when he was hurt). He's trying to guilt trip you when in fact he's the guilty one and he knows he betrayed your trust. That's manipulative! You're better off without him. I'm sure it's disappointing and you're hurt and confused. These things happen. Not every guy is like that. Most guys aren't. Brush yourself off and try again with someone else. 8
angel.eyes Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Definitely stretching it I think. I don't know many men that would get angry at a girl for texting other guys, snoop through her phone, tell her he wants to move in with her...then (after getting busted with a used condom of course) honestly state that he thought they were "just friends" the whole time Would have to have been dropped on his head as baby to be that dense. It seems pretty straight forward to me...he deceived her, had sex with other girls behind her back, got busted, and then came out with a bullcrap response. Yup! Precisely right. 6
Gaeta Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Definitely stretching it I think. Yes I am aware I am stretching it and I will tone it down, I do want her to understand she has a part of responsibility for assuming exclusivity. OP: Did you meet his parents and siblings? Being intimate with a man and seeing jealousy through some of his actions would not be enough for me to assume exclusivity. If he had brought me to his parents house for dinner or brought me to his sibling's house for visits then yes, I may then assume we are exclusive. 2
elaine567 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Players like this, like to have women lined up for their own needs, but they tend to like their women to be monogamous. Hence his jealousy and phone snooping which no doubt (like many others have done and do), you mistook for him caring about you. 3
Author Tayaurassa Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 Yes I am aware I am stretching it and I will tone it down, I do want her to understand she has a part of responsibility for assuming exclusivity. OP: Did you meet his parents and siblings? Being intimate with a man and seeing jealousy through some of his actions would not be enough for me to assume exclusivity. If he had brought me to his parents house for dinner or brought me to his sibling's house for visits then yes, I may then assume we are exclusive. No, thank you for being harsh. I really need to learn about this. I know I'm still very naive after all this. His parents passed away when he was young. I skyped with him and his little daughter once. (he's divorced 4-5 years ago.) The daughther is with her mother in another country. 1
Author Tayaurassa Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 You didn't have the exclusivity talk because he acted like a bf. He duped you and played you. He didn't need to pressurise for sex, because his needs were being met elsewhere. You were just the "virgin" card in his deck, he could afford to wait for that notch on his bed post, because he had other women to scratch his itches. He is now trying to blame you for not being "good enough" for him. He did say one good thing though, you deserve so much better. I guess so I can't believe I trusted him with all my heart. Never felt the urge to check his phone or anything. He's a damn good actor if he's pretending this whole time. I still think about him a lot. Trying hard to distract myself and keep being busy. 1
angel.eyes Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 You didn't feel a need to monitor him because you're honest and trustworthy. He knows he's a liar and a cheat. That's why he's suspicious. He assumes others are just as deceitful as he is. 12
MissTrudy Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 i was in a situation extremely similar to this with one of the first guys I dated. my best advice is to cut your losses and move on. you do deserve better than this. dont invest anymore time in this d-bag, he is obviously not serious about you. after nine months of dating and you're just friends to him? yeah...no. People debate whether an exclusivity talk is necessary, I think they're good to have but sometimes you just "know"...either way, you've been with him for nine months. that' too long in my book to not be exclusive, and it's obvious to me that he didn't view your relationship as exclusive even if you did. Trying to make sense of this situation will torment you. trust me. Dont go back to him and learn from this experience to have more dialogue abut the relationship stage in the future. 3
Author Tayaurassa Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 I normally would agree with this, but: He gave strong suggestions, to the point of confirmation, that they were exclusive. He was cheating in this instance. If they weren't exclusive and this was just a matter of "not having had the exclusivity chat", then he wouldn't have been invading her privacy snooping in her phone. He wouldn't have been attacking her for talking to other guys. Even accusing her of hiding things from him! He told her that he wanted her to move in with him!! Plus, it had been 9 months and they were intimate. I can see exactly why she thought they were past the point where she would have to raise the point of exclusivity! OP...he was an insecure ahole. You're a virgin, and inexperienced. Please be careful meeting people online. You got taken for a bit of a ride, and this douche took advantage. You dodged a bullet. Be happy, and keep your eyes open from now on! Cut all contact with this guy...he is absolutely no good for you. Move on, and take this as a lesson!! This definitely is a precious lesson. But I'm really scared I'll have trust issues in the future. I don't want to be a girl who questions her bf about where he is/what he's doing/ or checks his phone all the time. I'm just amazed how I could be so stupid. And how he could make me feel that he genuinely cared about me. I over heard his friends said to him that he really cares about me. He was angry that his friend tried to make him go out and drink while I was kinda "passed out". He said he can't just leave me at his house..what if I wake up and don't see anyone. Or he would help me move even though he had foot injury. Stuff like that you know? We had a lot of great memories and it felt so real.
elaine567 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 He is older and divorced and obviously knows how to play women. Some divorcees are a bit bitter re romance as they were hurt, and some like to get one over on their ex wives, by playing the field and treating women badly. Of course he may have got divorced due to him cheating on his wife, so his behaviour here may have been highly predictable, had you known all the facts. 2
angel.eyes Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Is he even divorced? Who knows where the truth lies when dealing with a cheater. If your wife is living in your home country with your child while you work elsewhere, it's uber-easy to pass yourself off as divorced. Either way, it's no longer relevant. He's a skeeze ball! 3
Maleficent Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Definitely stretching it I think. No freaking sh*t. Had this happened after 2-3 months, I would be with Gaeta on this. But 9 months? Come on. That guy is a douchebag. 6
Maleficent Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Yes I am aware I am stretching it and I will tone it down, I do want her to understand she has a part of responsibility for assuming exclusivity. OP: Did you meet his parents and siblings? Being intimate with a man and seeing jealousy through some of his actions would not be enough for me to assume exclusivity. If he had brought me to his parents house for dinner or brought me to his sibling's house for visits then yes, I may then assume we are exclusive. Again. I'd be with you had this happened after 2-3 months. Not 9 months. At a certain point, you have to call and ******* an *******. But at this point, I think anyone in a similar situation as OP would assume they are in a relationship too and ti has nothing to do with being naive. 2
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