Light Breeze Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 That's right buddy, let her do the work. Anyway, how many times are you willing to see her for this kind catching up with you meetings before you finally say you don't do friends with your exes? I have a feeling that she'll drag this along.
Ducktape Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 To me it would be a one time deal, as Halcyon made it perfectly clear that he seeks no friendship with ex's and she knows it. She knows she can't drag this any longer and needs to make a move if she wants this to possibly continue. So she needs to get over her fear of rejection fast.
Author Halcyon Posted January 17, 2015 Author Posted January 17, 2015 (edited) I have never considered being friends with any of my exes because there was a clear cut reason we broke up and I wanted nothing to do with them. So I wasn't lying when I told her I'm not friends with any of my exes. However this meet up was honestly painless. I actually had a good time. So to answer your question I'm not sure, I haven't been in this situation before. Edited January 17, 2015 by Halcyon
EgoJoe Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 (edited) Make that the last time you make things convenient for her. Go about your life. Anything else now is breadcrumbs unless you hear the magic words. Still be careful then. You did ok but probably could have ended it sooner. I imagine if you don't hear from her in three days it will be more like a few weeks. If she does ask to get back together. You will need to become "Inspector Halcyon" so you can gain a complete perspective and make an informed decision. An afterthought I have is that you could be in her friend zone as far as she is concerned now. Any contact from her ought to be ignored for a day or two or more. If she does think this you will be better served by shaking her confidence. Edited January 17, 2015 by EgoJoe 1
Simon Phoenix Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 I have never considered being friends with any of my exes because there was a clear cut reason we broke up and I wanted nothing to do with them. So I wasn't lying when I told her I'm not friends with any of my exes. However this meet up was honestly painless. I actually had a good time. So to answer your question I'm not sure, I haven't been in this situation before. I wouldn't go making this a regular thing with her. If she wants you, she has to come correct. She doesn't get to wean off of you, or use you to try to gauge where her head is at. Sounds like you handled yourself really well (except for hanging around a bit too long), but don't go making this a regular thing unless she's willing to have you back fully as a romantic partner unless you truly don't give a s--t about being her friend and have no romantic inclinations. If so, then handle it how you choose. 2
Aint_Easy Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 damn man i'm jealous. when I met with my ex I wasn't ready. It went extremely well, and even though she said she needed some time and we can't keep texting, she texted me the next day. I caved got way too involved with it all, and i'm sure now she thinks she has all the power. now we haven't spoken in two weeks. le sigh
Trapito Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 (edited) Dear Halcyon, I just want you to know I am following your thread and progress. I admire your strength and self knowledge. After all the things you have been through, I do not think it is weird you feel kind of numb. You see things in perspective, and that is admirable. I wish I could do the same because it would make life easier. I tend to be codependent and am and keep working on it, it just makes it hard to let people you love, go their own separate way, but I do let them go. Please keep posting, you are an example of how you should handle an break up. Edited January 18, 2015 by Trapito grammar
Author Halcyon Posted January 18, 2015 Author Posted January 18, 2015 If she does ask to get back together. You will need to become "Inspector Halcyon" so you can gain a complete perspective and make an informed decision. An afterthought I have is that you could be in her friend zone as far as she is concerned now. Any contact from her ought to be ignored for a day or two or more. If she does think this you will be better served by shaking her confidence. I wouldn't go making this a regular thing with her. If she wants you, she has to come correct. She doesn't get to wean off of you, or use you to try to gauge where her head is at. Sounds like you handled yourself really well (except for hanging around a bit too long), but don't go making this a regular thing unless she's willing to have you back fully as a romantic partner unless you truly don't give a s--t about being her friend and have no romantic inclinations. If so, then handle it how you choose. Absolutely I really did take her reason for breaking up on face value. I asked her during the breakup if there was anything that was making her unhappy in the relationship she said no. Obviously something was bothering her but she wasn't willing to discuss it at the time, so I didn't press it. So if she does reach out and ask for another chance I will become the inspector and will want the real reasons she broke things off, I have my suspicions it was to do with things getting serious and she got scared not much point speculating on that though. I'm not going to be initiating any contact with her, she will need to contact me and as before I will ignore anything that is pointless communication. Thanks for the advice. Either way I will keep moving forward she can take all the time in the world, I may not be agreeable or available if she takes too long. Dear Halcyon, I just want you to know I am following your thread and progress. I admire your strength and self knowledge. After all the things you have been through, I do not think it is weird you feel kind of numb. You see things in perspective, and that is admirable. I wish I could do the same because it would make life easier. I tend to be codependent and am and keep working on it, it just makes it hard to let people you love, go their own separate way, but I do let them go. Please keep posting, you are an example of how you should handle an break up. Thank you that's very kind. I'm not perfect, flawed like anyone else but I do value my independence and try not let my emotions cloud my judgment when under pressure (easier said than done sometimes). Writing my thoughts out is therapeutic for me it helps me reflect on where I was, where I am now and where I'm going. I try to apply this to all aspects of my life not just personal relationships, it has served me well thus far. It does come with it's draw backs though a lot of people think I'm cold, calculated, aloof, uncaring and find it hard to tell what I'm thinking. I have to make extra efforts in relationships to express my feelings as I'm quite used to being in my own head. 1
Trapito Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 You sound like a sweet and well thinking person. I do the same at the beginning of any relationship, I am aloof, laid back and not thinking the most of it. The problem arises when I do get and have feelings and someone backs away, then I tend to hang on and cling. I'm learning to let them who want to leave, leave. But it is still a difficult and painfull process. I get better at this, but it is not a sipmle task to wire yourself to a new person, but I will get there. I wonder how long it will take her to contact you again (she will), and if she is willing to take the blame for the break up. She may just be scared or not ready, but she will have to learn how to communicate before she looses you because you have moves on. I advise you to not go to any more meaningless meetings. They won't help you to move along and she will putt you in the friend zone. If she had the guts to break up with you, she will have the guts to ask for a second chance.
Author Halcyon Posted January 18, 2015 Author Posted January 18, 2015 You sound like a sweet and well thinking person. I do the same at the beginning of any relationship, I am aloof, laid back and not thinking the most of it. The problem arises when I do get and have feelings and someone backs away, then I tend to hang on and cling. I'm learning to let them who want to leave, leave. But it is still a difficult and painfull process. I get better at this, but it is not a sipmle task to wire yourself to a new person, but I will get there. I wonder how long it will take her to contact you again (she will), and if she is willing to take the blame for the break up. She may just be scared or not ready, but she will have to learn how to communicate before she looses you because you have moves on. I advise you to not go to any more meaningless meetings. They won't help you to move along and she will putt you in the friend zone. If she had the guts to break up with you, she will have the guts to ask for a second chance. I used to be like this when I was younger however as I said perspective and looking at the bigger picture have changed my outlook on life in a lot of ways. I feel like I'm a more well rounded person than I used to be and I'm always looking for ways that I can improve myself. Well the thing is today I had a friend of a friend ask me out on a date later next week. I'm trying to decide if I should go or not I'm feeling pretty ok and I'm not looking to rush into anything but it could be fun? I don't know them very well so it would be more of a getting to know you thing.
Deidre Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 Sometimes, exes like to do just this very thing...to stay on your radar...so you never fully move on, and are always thinking about them. If it were me, I'd be done. She isn't interested in a friendship. She is interested in not letting you move on. Just my pennies worth. Don't know this whole story, but I'm glad you seem to be in a good place with it all from what I've read thus far. 1
umirano Posted January 18, 2015 Posted January 18, 2015 (edited) Hi Halycon, similar story here. Well, our RS was always a little rocky, my ex was young and apparently depressed (for not having a career perspective and not being able to decide what to do with her life). It lead to me breaking up with her and then taking her back a few days later. Another week and she breaks up with me and I don't fight it for I knew it's not working like this. A few weeks of LC, maybe 4, always initiated by her. At some point she stops contacting me. 2 months of silence, a few e-mails where she accuses me of "hacking" her e-mail account, I reply denying having even looked at her account (I have no password and I haven't tried to get in, and I never would). Another 2 months of silence, she texts me on her b-day, I say happy birth day, some small talk. 1 month of silence, she texts me from her holiday and we talk a little, she's adamant that we get back together in the future. 3 months of silence, she texts me out of nowhere, wanting to send me a link "of something I'd like". I reply I'm busy, she should call me on the weekend. She's angry that I'm busy. I ask "will we talk?" - "Yes of course we will!". Nothing for 2 weeks. I remind her that she wanted to talk. 2 weeks later she replies, apologizes. She says she's not ready for talking even, but she's scared of losing me. Eventually I reply saying, well I can't wait around for her and I don't expect her to wait either. If she isn't ready she just isn't. Like you I won't try to convince her. She needs to be ready and communicate accordingly. She replied to my last e-mail, in which I also said that I'll pick up her call if she knows the only way to be happy for her is by being with me, and that I hope she'll respect that I don't want to be in her life otherwise. She hopes I won't be a stranger. I didn't reply and deleted the e-mail. I hope I'll be strong and purge all future messages from her unanswered from now on. I should have started doing that 10 months ago. Edited January 18, 2015 by umirano
Author Halcyon Posted January 19, 2015 Author Posted January 19, 2015 Seems like we are back to radio silence, oh well. I've decided I'm going to go on that date later in the week as waiting around for the ex to contract me would constitute not moving on.
dyna85 Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 You never know what may await you in the future. I would keep it moving forward like you said. Sounds like you and this girl (your ex) are both holding back some in the communication/emotional revelation dept. Not that this can't be worked on by both of you...
Author Halcyon Posted January 19, 2015 Author Posted January 19, 2015 You never know what may await you in the future. I would keep it moving forward like you said. Sounds like you and this girl (your ex) are both holding back some in the communication/emotional revelation dept. Not that this can't be worked on by both of you... For me it's a matter of pride and self respect. When someone decides to break something off with me I take them very seriously and assume they have put a lot of thought into it. If they decide they want to try again then that is their responsibility to take the first step, I will not go begging someone who dumped me to take me back. Basically that breaking things off with me comes at a price you can't just walk back into my life without some effort. I don't know if this is a bad thing to be honest. I'm willing to discuss issues with her around our past relationship but she is going to have to be the one to offer the olive branch. 2
idoltree Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 For me it's a matter of pride and self respect. When someone decides to break something off with me I take them very seriously and assume they have put a lot of thought into it. If they decide they want to try again then that is their responsibility to take the first step, I will not go begging someone who dumped me to take me back. Basically that breaking things off with me comes at a price you can't just walk back into my life without some effort. I don't know if this is a bad thing to be honest. I'm willing to discuss issues with her around our past relationship but she is going to have to be the one to offer the olive branch. This is a great attitude to have. It's not like you snubbed her or were angry at her and that could be keeping her from making some effort. You showed her that you are calm, reasonable and kind, but that you are proud and confident in your worth. If she has something to say, she knows that you'll listen. If she's disappeared, I'd say she's off nursing her wounded ego. I don't think it's the last you'll hear from her, but absolutely don't let it keep you from moving on. Go on your date and see if that girl has anything to offer you. From now on, it's all about you and what's best for you. (You've been pretty great at maintaining that attitude already, I just want to add a voice that it's the right way to go.)
dyna85 Posted January 19, 2015 Posted January 19, 2015 We talked for maybe an hour and a half and then I thought I should wrap it up. I told her I had to be somewhere in the afternoon so I would have to go shortly. She looked sad and then said "I know I shouldn't bring it up but are you ok with what happened?" I replied "With the breakup? Yes I'm fine, I took what you said to me on face value and have accepted that." For the first time in the conversation she went silent and looked away from me. I asked her if she was ok, if there was anything she wanted to talk about. She started fidgeting and became flustered and eventually said "No I'm fine, sorry I brought this up I've made things awkward. Can we talk about something else?". I changed the subject and then we left shortly after. It just seems like there is something there. Like she wanted to know you were impacted by the breakup as it seems she was/is, and she may have been disappointed that you seem totally accepting of it with no sadness about it. I just get the vibe that this is very much unresolved, and she's clearly holding back. Is it because you're not being vulnerable? I don't know. You mentioned you had a lot going on and felt kind of numb by the breakup situation when it was happening. Maybe she's not open to being vulnerable if you're not, is kind of what I'm feeling. I don't know. Just based on my impression of your tough shell/coolness given what you've been through and her having reached out to you and how she acted when you said you were fine with everything. I mean, you did ask her if she wanted to talk about anything though and she wouldn't open up, but her actions (going silent, looking away from you, fidgeting, getting flustered) seem to reveal that she's unsettled about the whole thing and it's like she maybe expected a different answer than what you gave. I could see holding back too if the guy seemed totally cool with it. It kind of makes you think.. well if he doesn't care.. maybe I shouldn't care so much.. or at least I'm not going to show I care so much. That sort of thing. So maybe that's why she decided not to open up and express what she was really feeling in that moment. I agree with you about the pride and self-respect thing. However, when it comes to matters of the heart, it's not all cut and dry, you know? I mean she kinda did offer you the olive branch by getting back in touch after breaking up with you, and the meeting took place to get things out there. Seems some things were certainly left unsaid during the interaction, and only time will tell where this goes and if it does goes anywhere further, if you're both willing to put pride aside and be more open with your feelings. That is, if you both really care about each other and want to be together.
Author Halcyon Posted January 20, 2015 Author Posted January 20, 2015 (edited) I see where you are coming from, she contacted me in the context of friendship which she knows I find very difficult with exes. Ultimately when push came to shove she wanted me to put myself in the position of being rejected again, the position of being vulnerable. I care about her but I felt she broke up rather hastily and I'm not sure I want to be with someone who will just make snap decisions like that. I gave her the opportunity to talk about whatever it was she wanted to say but she chose not to. Either way we will see what happens, she knows what type of person I am I like to think I'm pretty fair and understanding but I will not throw myself in front of a bus multiple times. Edited January 20, 2015 by Halcyon 3
Simon Phoenix Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 It just seems like there is something there. Like she wanted to know you were impacted by the breakup as it seems she was/is, and she may have been disappointed that you seem totally accepting of it with no sadness about it. I just get the vibe that this is very much unresolved, and she's clearly holding back. Is it because you're not being vulnerable? I don't know. You mentioned you had a lot going on and felt kind of numb by the breakup situation when it was happening. Maybe she's not open to being vulnerable if you're not, is kind of what I'm feeling. I don't know. Just based on my impression of your tough shell/coolness given what you've been through and her having reached out to you and how she acted when you said you were fine with everything. I mean, you did ask her if she wanted to talk about anything though and she wouldn't open up, but her actions (going silent, looking away from you, fidgeting, getting flustered) seem to reveal that she's unsettled about the whole thing and it's like she maybe expected a different answer than what you gave. I could see holding back too if the guy seemed totally cool with it. It kind of makes you think.. well if he doesn't care.. maybe I shouldn't care so much.. or at least I'm not going to show I care so much. That sort of thing. So maybe that's why she decided not to open up and express what she was really feeling in that moment. I agree with you about the pride and self-respect thing. However, when it comes to matters of the heart, it's not all cut and dry, you know? I mean she kinda did offer you the olive branch by getting back in touch after breaking up with you, and the meeting took place to get things out there. Seems some things were certainly left unsaid during the interaction, and only time will tell where this goes and if it does goes anywhere further, if you're both willing to put pride aside and be more open with your feelings. That is, if you both really care about each other and want to be together. It's not his responsibility to correct her mistake or make her feel better about a situation she caused. I mean, you could be right that she is scared, but if she really wants it, it's up to her to get over that fear and come correct. If she's not willing to do that, then how serious could she possibly be about reconciliation? She was willing to break up with him, now she has to be willing to make the effort to reconcile if that's what she wants. She forfeited the right to have him hold her hand when she let him loose.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 20, 2015 Posted January 20, 2015 I see where you are coming from, she contacted me in the context of friendship which she knows I find very difficult with exes. Ultimately when push came to shove she wanted me to put myself in the position of being rejected again, the position of being vulnerable. I care about her but I felt she broke up rather hastily and I'm not sure I want to be with someone who will just make snap decisions like that. I gave her the opportunity to talk about whatever it was she wanted to say but she chose not to. Either way we will see what happens, she knows what type of person I am I like to think I'm pretty fair and understanding but I will not throw myself in front of a bus multiple times. Nor should you have to. I think you have the right mindset here.
Author Halcyon Posted January 23, 2015 Author Posted January 23, 2015 I went on that date last night and it actually turned out to be a lot of fun. She is intelligent, blunt (more than me which was surprising), honest, funny, driven. We had dinner then went for dessert and then walked and talked for a while and it was pretty ok. I'm not the sort that knows if I like someone right away it takes me a while to warm up to people so I'm not sure how I feel about this yet but it was fun. I haven't heard anything from my ex she has been silent since our meetup I think she was hurt that I didn't beg her to get back together. Not my problem though. 2
calgary Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 hey really interested in how this story progressed. How are you doing now?
lovebug_5858 Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 Halcyon, your way of thinking is so great. You have an incredible amount of self respect and dignity and I admire that.
privategal Posted February 2, 2015 Posted February 2, 2015 What gives you the impression she wants to be chased or expects anything more than to be in touch. She misses you, it doesn't sound like games. and if your done, be done and block her number but to those not familiar with these boards and NC she may just sincerely want to connect, and if that's too much for you, fine. But just because your feeling cold toward her doesn't mean she feels cool. Some people are mature enough to either realize what they lost and want to maybe try again or are over the pain of the breakup and ready to be friends. Some cannot handle it. You decide then stop questioning it and stick to what you say. Answer her actually, I wish you the best but have no desire to stay in touch and I just want to be clear I would not like to be friends and be in touch. Sounds like you have been slightly gray too. No offense but replying is still attention and is hope for a girl missing you. Be SUPER direct then block if that's what you want.
Trapito Posted February 3, 2015 Posted February 3, 2015 Any updates? Did you hear from your ex again? Have you been on another date with the new girl? How ars you feeling?
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