Purepony Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Good job my friend, you handled this the way many of us wish we could.
Author Halcyon Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 Well she just sent me another message asking if I'm free on the weekend to meet for lunch that she would really like to see me again... Going to sit on this and decide what I'm going to do.
Kermit007 Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Well she just sent me another message asking if I'm free on the weekend to meet for lunch that she would really like to see me again... Going to sit on this and decide what I'm going to do. Looks to me like this is her reaching out to you to talk about your relationship together. In your place, I would go, but thats just me. If you have lunch and realize it's just to talk about normal stuff and not to work things out, then you know she probably just wanted to see you nothing more, nothing less. At least then you know...she probably isn't interested in more and just wants you as a friend.
bigtrouble Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Well she just sent me another message asking if I'm free on the weekend to meet for lunch that she would really like to see me again... Going to sit on this and decide what I'm going to do. You have full control you decide if its time to do so... My guess is it won't be really that personal and would just be light conversations... Thing is both of you may be over each other but you did share wonderful memories, both may have moved on, but it does not mean you can't fall in love all over again... Love is like a magical place, you can leave it behind but you just keep coming back...
idoltree Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Well she just sent me another message asking if I'm free on the weekend to meet for lunch that she would really like to see me again... Going to sit on this and decide what I'm going to do. It's clear she's panicking. This is either about wanting to see if you'll still be her plan B if she wants you, or she's become open to reconciling. I think you have three choices: Continue not responding to her, thereby forcing her to lay her cards on the table. (If she chooses to stop contacting you, that's an answer).Go and be open to what she says. You won't know what direction it will go until you're there. Let her initiate any discussion about your prior relationship or your status. If it is the Plan B thing, say "I came today because I was baffled by your behavior in the face of my stating that I don't do friendships with exes. Now I'm even more sure about that." If she's leaning toward reconciling, decide what you want. You are within your rights to ask for time to think about it.Ask her why she wants to meet. "I've said that I don't do friendships with exes. I'd like to know why you want to have lunch with me."
EgoJoe Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Calling her out on her BS sends her packing or scrambling to get you back. Are you NC for you or to get her back? I think you need to set her straight and build a little attraction saying goodbye.
Author Halcyon Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 (edited) Calling her out on her BS sends her packing or scrambling to get you back. Are you NC for you or to get her back? I think you need to set her straight and build a little attraction saying goodbye. NC for myself that it's what I've always used it for. As I said before she is the first ex that has ever reached out to me after a breakup. I was honestly expecting to never hear from her again and had accepted that. I was very pragmatic about the break up, I felt she was making a snap reaction to how she was dealing with her feelings and decided to run; I wasn't going to argue about it, no point she had made up her mind. If she didn't want to be with me then fine. I had a lot of other **** going on at the time that I needed to deal with anyway. I probably came across as not giving a ****. She was definitely much more torn about the breakup than I was, I left feeling like I had dumped her not the other way around... even though I didn't want things to end I was just accepting reality. That been said I don't harbour ill feelings towards her in terms of breakups it's the least messy I've ever had. I think the issues we had could be talked out if that is what she wants and depending on how she answers that I might be interested in trying again but I'm a realist I fully expect that this meet up would be her testing the waters and probably just be mindless small talk. I'm thinking at this point it probably wouldn't hurt to meet up to see what the hell she wants I didn't feel ****ty except for a few days around Christmas after the breakup and I'm feeling pretty good now. Possibly she could be confused as to why I didn't put up a fight, beg or plead with her about the breakup and just basically went "ok peace out" and didn't talk to her since. She is not a bad person by any means and didn't do anything to me that I consider terrible, I honestly think she got scared. Edited January 14, 2015 by Halcyon 1
Author Halcyon Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 I decided to agree to meet up with her on the weekend. Balanced out pro's vs cons it's not going to set me back and I'm not expecting anything significant to happen. She has been messaging me quite a bit since I agreed to meet up with her.
Light Breeze Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Ok buddy, goodluck I think she's definitely going to try the waters with you again. She knows you don't do friends with exes. Or I could be wrong and this might be a major chain yanking..
me85 Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 If you don't want to get back with her then just ignore her completely. Better yet, block her. No need to keep repeating yourself.
Author Halcyon Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 If she is willing to talk about what happened I'm not opposed to trying again. As I said it wasn't a nasty breakup by any means I just don't argue with people when they have made up their mind on things like this. She has diagnosed anxiety which does effect her day to day life panic attacks etc. She told me she had a panic attack a day before deciding to break up so basically I would need to know what she is doing in terms of treatment for that because she was not being treated for it whilst we were together.
bubbaganoosh Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 You took how many steps forward and now your ready to get sent all the way back to square one. Look. All that's going to come out of this is you asking questions and the answers she gives wont be good enough. I know this for a fact. been there, done that and then your right back to where you were a long time ago. Your just asking for it.
Author Halcyon Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 Back where I was, which was? If you have read what I have written I have not been a broken wreck like most people who come here. If you read my other thread my main worry is I've become too detached from this sort of stuff. So I don't know exactly what point you are making. Cookie cutter method doesn't apply to me.
Aint_Easy Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 ignore him. yet another poster projecting their ONE specific situation onto someone else's. every situation, every person, every relationship is different. I am sick of people projecting their emotions onto advice. 3
Author Halcyon Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 Let me put this into perspective. How you deal with breakups is a matter of perspective. For me the focal lenses of perspective has been rather brutal in the few years. Namely death, it has surrounded me. I had a friend commit suicide on my birthday a few years ago, I had to watch a family friend die from incurable brain cancer, I lost my grandfather suddenly when he went in for a simple procedure, I lost a work colleague last year in one of the downed flights another has just been diagnosed with terminal liver cancer. My father just had his 3rd heart surgery in a decade at the end of last year. All of this in the period of two years and that is only the beginning. This breakup in comparison has been the most benign and harmless thing to happen to me in a while. As I said my real fear is I feel nothing, I have become desensitised to loss I just accept things that can't be changed. So this meeting with my ex regardless of how it goes I can guarantee I won't be a jibbering, sobbing mess. I will just move on like I always do. 2
sober and dry Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Ok, well I am on a kind of the same situation as you, major differences are: We talked last week and it was just the basic until she accepted meeting me and I said yes but I'm too busy this next days. I said this to prepare myself for it and get some more perspective and healing. A week as passed and sure I'm more prepared for it although I didn't said anything more to her yet as my willing to meet her is slowly vanishing. Our BU was pretty nasty since she cheated on me and I found it out by myself after she had manipulated me a full month. I was the one initiating communication. Of course I still care about her too, sadly and obviously, still in love with her old self and the RS that ended, but none the less she is still someone with whom I shared 8 years of my life and a human being none the less, just a poor human being how did hurt me quite a lot. I'm not going there and let her stab me not even just a little! I will not want to hear a trip down memory lane, guilt trip, ego trip, power trip or any of that ****, not even if I have to stand up and go! So I will agree with you but only if you: 1 - Go there and don't talk about your RS by any means, nothing, even if she pushes it you just evade or say something like "I don't want to talk about it right now". Unless of course she and/or you want to get back, either way you don't initiate that conversation. 2 - Go there just wondering how she is doing in terms of state of mind and health, nothing more than that, basically get a general sense of what she is going trough. 3 - It must be a brief meeting and straight to the points you 2 wanna talk, no wondering in RS memories or past time. 4 - Don't go with any expectations or plans, but be ready, because the must probable is that it won't turn out anywhere near of what you expect. 5 - Be friendly but don't get close, I mean, not at all! But bare in your mind and be ready for getting at least some steps backwards in your healing, because it will. Just seeing her will do that. I think it's mostly a matter of knowing what you want and what you are willing to give away, that will determinate how much you go backwards. Of course she herself will have some input in that but you just at all cost mitigate it as much as you can, by avoiding, going away or something like that. Good luck, may the force be with you, because you gonna need it
sober and dry Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Let me put this into perspective. How you deal with breakups is a matter of perspective. For me the focal lenses of perspective has been rather brutal in the few years. Namely death, it has surrounded me. I had a friend commit suicide on my birthday a few years ago, I had to watch a family friend die from incurable brain cancer, I lost my grandfather suddenly when he went in for a simple procedure, I lost a work colleague last year in one of the downed flights another has just been diagnosed with terminal liver cancer. My father just had his 3rd heart surgery in a decade at the end of last year. All of this in the period of two years and that is only the beginning. This breakup in comparison has been the most benign and harmless thing to happen to me in a while. As I said my real fear is I feel nothing, I have become desensitised to loss I just accept things that can't be changed. So this meeting with my ex regardless of how it goes I can guarantee I won't be a jibbering, sobbing mess. I will just move on like I always do. How I can relate with this is just amazing. It's not just me...
dyna85 Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Halcyon, you seem kind of apathetic about her. It makes me sad.
Author Halcyon Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 (edited) Sorry to hear that sober but honestly if I was in your shoes I wouldn't even be contemplating contacting your ex. I don't tolerate cheating that happened to me a few years ago and I walked out the door and never looked back. I could never trust someone who cheated on me again; trust is the foundation of a relationship. I'm expecting it more than likely to be a very casual meetup. I have no expectations, I'm a realist. If she wants to talk about our past relationship I will be leaving that to her because I will not be bringing it up. Edited January 16, 2015 by Halcyon
EgoJoe Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Considering the benign circumstances I don't think a meet up will hurt things. Keep it super loose and don't talk about the relationship unless she brings it up several times in a row. Stay indifferent, maintain eye contact and smile a lot.
sober and dry Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Sorry to hear that sober but honestly if I was in your shoes I wouldn't even be contemplating contacting your ex. I don't tolerate cheating that happened to me a few years ago and I walked out the door and never looked back. I could never trust someone who cheated on me again; trust is the foundation of a relationship. I'm expecting it more than likely to be a very casual meetup. I have no expectations, I'm a realist. If she wants to talk about our past relationship I will be leaving that to her because I will not be bringing it up. Thanks man. I broke a1month NC and we did talk but not even as a friend. As soon as I found out her cheating I left her and soon after closed the door to her. I don't trust her, now I don't trust her not even as a friend. Sure she is special to me but just as a memory. As for you I agree with egoJoe. Good luck!
Author Halcyon Posted January 17, 2015 Author Posted January 17, 2015 Well that pretty much went as expected. Met up she was very happy to see me gave me a big hug. Just had a coffee and talked for a while usual stuff, what we had been doing and had some conversations about mutual interests and other things it didn't feel forced at all. I'm not going to lie it was nice talking to her again, I played it cool and didn't mention anything about the relationship or breakup. We talked for maybe an hour and a half and then I thought I should wrap it up. I told her I had to be somewhere in the afternoon so I would have to go shortly. She looked sad and then said "I know I shouldn't bring it up but are you ok with what happened?" I replied "With the breakup? Yes I'm fine, I took what you said to me on face value and have accepted that." For the first time in the conversation she went silent and looked away from me. I asked her if she was ok, if there was anything she wanted to talk about. She started fidgeting and became flustered and eventually said "No I'm fine, sorry I brought this up I've made things awkward. Can we talk about something else?". I changed the subject and then we left shortly after. She gave me another hug and said "She missed doing this and it was nice to see me again". I told her the same we said goodbye, she made an inside joke from something we used to talk about as she left. I'm not sure what to think other than I know during our relationship she had a hard time expressing her feelings at times so I'm not sure if she chickened out when she brought up the breakup but I dunno not going to read much into that. 1
Ducktape Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 She's probably gonna mull it over in the next few days and I'll bet you'll hear from her again shortly
idoltree Posted January 17, 2015 Posted January 17, 2015 She's probably gonna mull it over in the next few days and I'll bet you'll hear from her again shortly Agree. She chickened out. Moreso, she probably expected/wanted Halcyon to do the heavy lifting of the conversation, and hoped he might jump on the chance to talk to her if she just mentioned the breakup. The fact that he didn't do this hurt her ego a bit, which is why she wanted to change the subject. She thought he'd jump at the chance to try to get her back if she set it up. This was the best thing you could have done, Halcyon. You showed strength and resilience and you demonstrated your value to her. She now knows she's going to have to take a risk if she wants you back. She's thinking about that right now. The only thing I'd have done differently is kept the meeting shorter. A half an hour tops. Enough to remind her that it feels good to be in your presence, but short enough that she feels cheated of time with you when you have to get up and leave. Also a reminder that breaking up with you means she's not at the top of your priorities anymore and that she has suffered a demotion. 3
Author Halcyon Posted January 17, 2015 Author Posted January 17, 2015 I agree I should have kept it shorter but I was enjoying our conversation and lost track of time. I believe if someone breaks up with someone and wants to try again it's up to them to take that risk, I'm not going to do the heavy lifting for her if that's what she wants. 4
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