Long time listener, first time poster: Newly weds and FINANCES

[CharlieFoxtrot]

Hello everyone,

I would be interested in athird party’s perspective regarding my situation. I will try and keep this relatively brief, but it will probably be some long diatribe so I apologize in advance.

Met (now husband) overseas as we were both stationed at the same base

Noticed he was stingy /miserly with money even while dating, where I found I was paying for more than I should while going out (I’d say 80/20). Keep in mind we were BOTH working and making good money. We had a few financial discussions regarding this as I found it unfair and ridiculous. My first warning sign.

He has been out of work for a year due to medical. He is in pain, I understand this. Previously when I wanted to be active together (gym) he refused due to pain. Fair enough.

I’m still working overseas(my choice). I’m also taking college classes. He continues to not work, directly related to medical.

 

I feel frustrated at times because I feel I am the only one contributing financially to “our” future. He wanted this wedding which in the end, I paid for completely out of my savings ($17k). I honestly wanted to just get hitched in another country. He said he would contribute half but it’s difficult when he is not working. I also, over the course of several months (almost a year) sent him $18k (this included money to pay off his car ($5k)). I don’t expect the latter back; it was to help him avoid pissing away his savings. However, I basically had to beat it out of him that he was also, for several months, receiving $4k/month due to worker’s compensation while also still accepting the $1500/month I was sending him. He did not immediately divulge this information. I just have a problem with that. I feel like why are you dragging me down financially when you are pulling in $4k/month doing nothing and then STILL taking the $1500/month I’m sending you. Here I am, working more than full time in a crappy country while also going to school to improve my life and options.

Back track to the wedding, there were things that needed to get done that I simply couldn’t do, due to school work and also renewing professional certifications for work which were time consuming (extremely). He was resentful that I asked him to do a few tasks for the wedding, and I wasn’t helping him. I was sitting at a computer writing paper after paper. I literally could NOT help. He brings that up to this day. I bring up the fact that I was sorry I couldn’t hold his hand while asking him to do simple tasks… I feel like this is the first time he’s “worked” in over ayear and he has the audacity to be resentful, when it was for OUR wedding? He also said during that time period, “Well I just want to relax!!!” People, he hasn’t worked in over a year. Is that not relaxing???? I would LOVE to either just be working or just be in school, and NOT both… Let alone neither!!

 

We have not combined finances yet, mostly because he is native to another country and I’m still overseas and honestly, I’ve just had no time. I came into this relationship thinking we’d be a “team” but it feels like I’ve been carrying us for the longest (>1yr) if not the whole relationship. I ask him to do simple things while he is home awaiting his medical evaluation and the immigration process. I ask him to work on a business plan that he had hopes and desires to do one day in the States. He refuses, because he is not sure how he will be physically after surgery to even accomplish it. I understand, but also know you need to go into things with a POSITIVE attitude (he may be FINE after surgery). I also think it is a constructive use of your time in between playing PS3, going to the beach and to the gym (now it seems to be okay to go… hmmm), and having a sh*t ton of BBQs with the boys. If it doesn’t pan out, it doesn’t pan out. If physically you CAN do the job, then you’ve done a lot of the prep work already and congrats!

 

He’ll reference when I visit him on RR about how much “sex we’ll have” and how in the future we’ll have children. (We are separated locationally right now due to my work and his immigration process anyway). It is such a huge turn off to me because initially, it was his work ethic and drive that made me very attracted to him. Now, he has quiteliterally stagnated. I tell him that a kid requires money and since he doesn’t havea job, it’s probably not a good idea. Kind of a dig, I know... I hate to be so negative but how else can I respond to that since he has shown no future plans? He has close to $70k in savings. I have more but still. My house is paid off. He still owes money on his flat / apartment (which he'll sell when he leaves that country). We have projects for the house back home but it seems like if I want them done “for us” then it’s just my money paying for it all. He used to refer to the house as “our house” until I brought to his attention that I paid the mortgage, the taxes, insurance, water, electric, cable/internet, and it was me who just last weekput $3300 down on window treatments. He has literally contributed nothing to “our house"...

 

Every time we’ve tried to have a discussion about this he shuts down and we get nowhere. He said last night that FINE, he would inquire about the business plan for ME. I told him not to do it for me, but for US and OUR future. It’s like he just doesn’t care. It is only wearing me down more and more to the point where I’ve wondered if maybe, maybe I made a mistake. Maybe, in the end, love just isn’t enough for a marriage. I should be happy we have love, but that’s just quickly turning towards resentment on both ends, to be honest. I used to think I'm a strong women that can handle things but after over a year of him and his attitude, I just don't know anymore.

 

I know there are marriages where after so many years there are affairs and this and that. I’m happy we’re not there, but am just not sure what to do with finances. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I shouldn’t expect so much. Maybe I shouldn’t be so possessive with the money… I know there are a LOT of things to improve with myself, the list is endless, so I hate to point the finger…

 

Please help.

[CarrieT]

Biggest problem was not addressing these issues BEFORE the marriage because I don't see this getting any better - ever - and if you divorce, he could request half of the value of the house.

 

I take it you guys didn't do a pre-nup?

[Violetta]

If he was stingy while you were dating and in the first flush of love I can't see him changing now. He may expect your generosity to continue indefinitely unless you tell him you have had enough. You are right to be concerned. Financial issues can erode love and trust. Why are you sending him a monthly allowance?

[CharlieFoxtrot]

Nope, no pre-nup. I know, awesome...

 

 

Initially on one of our first RR's together, we both printed out our bank statements, highlighted things into "NEEDS" "WANTS" "HOUSE PROJECTS" etc. to see WHERE the money was going (if justified) and who was contributing for what. We had a serious discussion then about it because the scale was quite skew. I was trying to fix it initially, address it while early on. Like most things, unless it's constantly evaluated, the results dwindle perhaps.

 

 

I was sending him money monthly because he was out of work, I did not know he was receiving ANY money at the time (worker's comp), and I didn't want him to slowly chip away at his savings he had worked so hard for. That really worked out well for me......

[bathtub-row]

You walked into this thinking the two of you would be a team? What on earth ever gave you that idea?

 

You married a child. Your first clue was when you were paying for dates. I say this to women all the time but it just doesn't sink in. If a guy doesn't want to pay for a date, pay for the meal and then walk away.

 

This is a guy who expects the woman to do it all. Nothing about this will change. Even when, or if, he gets well (which I'm sure he will always lean on that excuse). And if you're crazy enough to have kids with him, you will be raising and caring for them all by yourself.

 

You had all the signs in front of you and you could've saved yourself 17k on a wedding that never should've happened. The best you can do at this point is find a divorce attorney. Cut out the cancer before it grows.

[Cynicalme]

OMG... have you even read your post? SOOOOOO many reasons do DIVORCE. You made a mistake, learn from it, move on.

[MJJean]

You didn't maybe make a mistake, you made a mistake. If I were you, I'd file for annulment, if possible, and divorce if it's not.

 

It's not that he's frugal with money. It's that he may be frugal with HIS money, but he has zero problems spending YOURS.

 

How can you speak of love when there is no trust? He LIED to you about $4000 a month! He took your money while doing it. And he's talking about "our house" when it's YOUR house that you paid for with your money with no help from him!

 

I was married to a very similar man once upon a time. My divorce after 5 years of trying to make him grow up and be financially responsible was one of the happiest days of my life. My credit report took years to recover. My ex is now 42,remarried with 2 kids, and his mom pays his rent as well as for most of their household needs even though he has a job. It's pathetic.

 

I'm also remarried and I, thankfully, have married a responsible man that I can trust who takes care of our family.

 

And, no, love is not enough for a marriage. Not even close. Love's a good start, but there is so much more to day to day living than just love.

Edited January 11, 2015 by MJJean

[CharlieFoxtrot]

Update:

We have talked about the several financial things that have bothered me, and even him. He seemed more receptive. We are working on things and going from there. To call it quits without significantly trying I feel would be ridiculous, despite some signs that are not really positive or hopeful (lol).

 

 

He is dealing with a lot, not having worked in a long time and the stagnation is wearing him down as well (about time... lol). He has a surgery scheduled the end of this month that he (and I!) is anxious about.

 

 

He is still waiting for a payout for a car accident that happened a few years ago and the legal battle behind it is insane. He would feel more comfortable once that money came in, to REALLY help out and contribute (which I agree) and reevaluate our financial situation. He did mention that we're not pulling in the same incomes. I'm pulling about TWICE what he is pulling in, and said he can't compete with contributing HALF all of the time for big projects. That is completely understandable as well, to an extent.

 

 

He has been talking about future educational endeavors he may pursue once the dust settles with the medical aspect of his life and also immigration. Just him EXPLORING options is hopeful to me since at least the gears are turning in his head now...

 

 

We have a lot of talking to do still but I think we're headed in the right direction... Also, whether anyone would admit it or not, there are always three sides to every story: what he said, what she said, and then what really happened. It's hard to tell an unbiased story when you are the only one telling it. There is more to the story, there are much more positives I neglected to mention due to simply "venting" about all of the bad stuff.

 

 

Thanks so much everyone. Wish us luck!!