GH101 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I'm on a few dating sites, and I'm always talking to guys there, but nobody ever really asks me out, what am I doing wrong, what should I be talking to them about?
Philosopher Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I'm on a few dating sites, and I'm always talking to guys there, but nobody ever really asks me out, what am I doing wrong, what should I be talking to them about? Have you thought about asking them out yourself, instead of waiting for them to ask you out? 1
SycamoreCircle Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Are you as withholding of information as your question is?
Author GH101 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 I ask them about their interests, movies, music, where they grew up, stuff like that. What should I be asking or saying?
Otter2569 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Ive done on line dating and it runs hot and cold. I have also had several dates and a few long term relationships from the on line sites (met my current GF on POF). Some sites, as you know, are better than others. I only tried one pay site and it stunk (as I was told by others). Yeah the advertising and commercials looks great but it was a waste of $. Try asking them out yourself! What have you got to lose? My current GF asked me out and we've been together for over 8 months. I didnt ask her out because she lived farther away and although we had great email conversations. I could see she was online a lot and figured she had several prospects. She says she was looking to see when I was there so we could chat. Additionally I was in a rut and after having several bad dates was about to drop off the site. I am so glad that she was the one who took the initiative. 1
Otter2569 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 ps - having several pictures of yourself doing fun things helps as does a vibrant profile. If people couldn't take time to put down some thoughtful things about themselves and their interests I couldn't be bothered to contact them. Also opening emails saying nothing more than "Hi" or "Hey There" make a lousy impression. Say something nice and or fun; "Hi, I noticed that you...." My motto: no pics or lame profile = no reply
d0nnivain Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Even if you aren't brave enough to ask a man for a date, you could be the person to offer her phone # or ask for theirs. You will be moving the interaction forward.
lovexocoach Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Without knowing what your profile looks like - what you're saying in your profile and what photos you have posted - it's hard to give specific suggestions. You're obviously getting responses, they just might be from the wrong guys. Just because you're talking to guys on sites doesn't mean they have the same goal that you do - which is presumably to date and eventually get into a relationship with a great guy. You have to qualify guys to see if they're what you're looking for. That means asking them questions. The questions you're asking are ice breakers which is a good start. You have to get into deeper questions so you get to know if they're compatible, interesting, and have qualities that you're looking for in a guy. Those will be relationship questions, family questions, and personal questions (without getting too personal). Avoid any sexual questions - once you do that it's like opening Pandora's Box. And avoid asking questions that elicit a "yes" or "no" answer. You want information and details so begin your questions with "what" or "where" or "how" or "why" - that sort of thing. Don't waste your time on tire kickers, players, or chat buddies, and be on the look out for scammers. There are no hard and fast rules in dating. Don't automatically rule out profiles without photos. Just be careful what information you reveal (remember you're talking to a stranger even if you've been chatting for weeks or months and have never met), look out for your own safety, and trust your instincts - just because someone tells you something doesn't mean it's true. Even photos can be faked or lifted from another profile. There's nothing wrong with initiating contact with guys. And while I think that guys should do the asking out, some guys won't because they're afraid of rejection or they have their own reasons for not doing so. So you might have to ask them out for a coffee or greet and meet to get things rolling.
mysteryscape Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Males are very visual, they will instantly form a good or bad impression of you from your appearance. Maybe sucks but that is how it is. One thing many women leave out is at least one full body shot (generally clothed). Believe me, guys want to see this to size you up, again, you may or may not think that sucks, but it is the way its. Face shots essential too, preferably a nice smile on your lead pic. 1
karmasama Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Really, try to initiate the meeting yourself. There is nothing shameful about that and worst that could happen is that nothing happens...
Author GH101 Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 I tried asking a few guys ive been talking to out, but they either didnt answer or said theyre too busy, so that hasn't been working.
d0nnivain Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I tried asking a few guys ive been talking to out, but they either didnt answer or said theyre too busy, so that hasn't been working. Are you doing anything else, other than OLD to meet people? Try some IRL activities if OLD isn't working for you.
Author GH101 Posted January 15, 2015 Author Posted January 15, 2015 I go to some meetup groups but I don't get dates from there either.
PegNosePete Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 When you are on a dating site the people have 3 things to go by: Your photo Your profile Your messaging If you're not getting success then you're doing one or more of these things wrongly. Make sure your profile is good. Make sure you have good photos. Make sure you write interesting and engaging messages. Then you will get success.
d0nnivain Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I go to some meetup groups but I don't get dates from there either. How do you act at these groups? Are you dressed nicely in an outfit that highlights your best features? Do you smile warmly & say hi to everyone, really make an effort to put others at ease? Try that. It's all about being approachable & kind. If there are people you think you would like to date at the MeetUp do you chat them up & flirt? Men aren't mind readers. If you sit in the corner & don't talk, they might not notice you & even if they do, they might not conclude that you want to date them. 1
Frank2thepoint Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I ask them about their interests, movies, music, where they grew up, stuff like that. What should I be asking or saying? These are good starters for broaching the surface questions. Let's take the interest in movies as an example. If you ask what is a favorite movie (or favorites since it's hard to just enjoy one movie), you can follow-up why the guy thinks the movie is his favorite. Same goes for music, and other interests. You have to dig deeper to convey deeper interest and build a connection. Another topic to ask are activities the guy likes, and find something common both of you could enjoy as a date. Maybe both of you like ice skating, or hunting down old school pinball machines to play, or site seeing in the town/city you both live in, and so on. Just as you would like to be drawn into his world, while he shows interest in your world, you have to do the same to let the guy know you are interested and interesting.
mysteryscape Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 I go to some meetup groups but I don't get dates from there either. One nice thing about meetup is you can join groups where you will see some of the same people repeatedly. You eventually can actually get to know them much like in real life -- much more natural than OLD. So, there was someone I saw at various meetups maybe four times over a period of a couple of years. The third and fourth time we talked privately afterward, the fourth time for quite a while. We ended up seeing each other outside of meetup, and still are. This is someone that I would never have met otherwise and wouldn't have dared approach without knowing her some.
FitChick Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Check out the competition. Look at profiles of women your age and general appearance and see what they have to say and what sorts of pics they post. I wish men would do that so I wouldn't have to read the same generic crap over and over. 1
salparadise Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 What the men are thinking is... "how much of this witty banter does this chick need to feel comfortable enough to say yes if I ask her out?" So if these guys are nearby give them an opening that they can't possibly miss... "have you tasted the amazing pizza at Risotteria on Bleeker in the Village?" Then you've made it so easy for him–– let him know you're ready to meet, and taken the uncertainty of where to take you out of the equation. If he's got any ball at all he'll say, no––how about we meet there Friday at 7:20. If he's positive but doesn't ask for an actual date, you ask him. If he makes excuses then you have a fantasy dater on your hands and you'll know to drop him like a hot potato. About a third to half of the people online (women at least, perhaps men too) are fantasy daters. Too reticent to actually meet anyone. They're just getting their opposite sex interaction by playing the game. A lot of women complain on their profiles about men who want to message endlessly and have a million excuses for not actually meeting. Some of them list, "if you're willing to actually meet" as one of their message-me-if conditions. I have that too. I've had women suggest a meeting in the first message before, and I appreciate it when a woman can be that assertive. It shows that she's got her head on straight and is not wasting people's time. Seriously, this online thing should work for you as a female... the world is your oyster. If you don't believe it, read the million an one threads by guys who try desperately and can't even get a woman to message them. The experienced online daters know that extended messaging is a waste of time and they just want to meet and see if there's chemistry. Being assertive yourself will separate the men from the boys.
insert_name Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Check out the competition. Look at profiles of women your age and general appearance and see what they have to say and what sorts of pics they post. I wish men would do that so I wouldn't have to read the same generic crap over and over. Believe me its the same for men- "I like travel and and and flower arranging and travel and sometimes I like to go out and sometimes I like to stay in and and and did I tell you how much I like travel?" So anodyne. And to think they have guys fighting over themselves for them based on that drivel.
spiderowl Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 If you have a nice profile and a photo of you looking warm and friendly, then I can't understand why this is happening either. I do get the impression that some women feel they have to work at getting a guy to ask them out. This is not necessary. If a guy likes you, he will ask you out as soon as he dares to. You won't need to ask him and, while I wouldn't say never ask a guy out, I just don't see the need. I think guys and women can pick up on who they feel should be doing the 'work' in dating. If guys are approaching you and exchanging messages with you, then they are already attracted and potentially interested. A bit of banter is nice and fun. If you come across as much too serious, that might put some off, but again it won't put many off. I can only think that at some level guys are picking up on you feeling that you have to work hard to gain their interest. You don't; just be friendly and natural. Don't hint at meeting up, or try to solicit compliments. All that smacks of you feeling they won't do it naturally themselves, which in turn suggests to them that you don't think you are worthy of their interest or attention. Try assuming that you are reasonably attractive and that guys will want to approach you. Assume they will work to get to know you and will probably want to ask you out as soon as they think you won't reject them. Just be natural and show interest in them as a person. Leave the dating work up to them!
Frank2thepoint Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Leave the dating work up to them! You are suggesting that a woman just be an idle bystander in dating. Your suggestion works great for girls that are looking to just hookup with guys looking to get laid. But for women that want to attract an equal, they have to present themselves as an equal to the man as well. 1
spiderowl Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 (edited) You are suggesting that a woman just be an idle bystander in dating. Your suggestion works great for girls that are looking to just hookup with guys looking to get laid. But for women that want to attract an equal, they have to present themselves as an equal to the man as well. Not at all, I'm suggesting that she doesn't have to work hard to get a guy to ask her out. It is possible to be warm and welcoming without chasing the guy. I think that if a woman appears to be pursuing a guy, he instinctively wonders why she needs to - in other words whats wrong with her. It has nothing to do with only looking to hook up with a guy. I would suggest that a girl who feels she has to ask the guy out may end up with someone who only wants to hook up. This is because, unless she is a supremely confident kind of person anyway, he will instinctively devalue her. It's not politically correct, I know, and most guys will say they would like the girl to ask them out. Edited January 16, 2015 by spiderowl
PegNosePete Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 if a woman appears to be pursuing a guy, he instinctively wonders why she needs to - in other words whats wrong with her. On the contrary, if a woman pursues me I would think she's making a perfectly rational choice since I am awesome. These kind of games apply to boys and girls, not men and women. Reasonable adults should be able to discuss these things like mature human beings and not fall into these kind of assumption traps. If a man likes a woman, he should ask her out. If a woman likes a man, she should ask him out. Anything else is just game playing and over-analysis. 1
Frank2thepoint Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 I think that if a woman appears to be pursuing a guy, he instinctively wonders why she needs to - in other words whats wrong with her. I disagree with this. A confident man is not threatened by a woman that initiates, but in fact respects her courage. I do understand your point of view. There are men that have given a negative reaction to such women, which in turn women stop initiating at all lest they are ridiculed. Personally, I would never think there is something wrong with the woman. If I'm not attracted to her physically and to her personality, then I'll respectfully inform her. If a woman initiates with a man, in turn he devalues and takes her for granted, the woman shouldn't blame herself for initiating. There isn't anything wrong with her method. The problem was the man for not respecting her.
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