my girlfriend and her ex

[ggas]

I posted something similar a few months ago. I met my gf one year ago and we hit it off. I was super confident and things were going well. Till... Last summer. We are both expats so we go home every now and then. When we went last summer she met with her ex and told him some things that really hurt me like "I miss you. I am anxious when you don't write. My heart will beat faster when I ll see you again".So I wanted to break it off but her apology and insistence made me give the relationship another chance. We were happy and doing things together and I thought we are over that.

 

Until at New Year's when she again met with her ex who kind of blew her off. We had an argument (though not about this) and it made me ferl so lonely in this relationship. Week later was her bday and her ex trxted and they started talking again. She told him that she was the most happy eith him and he hunts her for a while now and that she recently started dreaming about him. He reciprocated to this and told her that it is sad they were so happy but broke up. To which she told him that it is indeed sad but that she has the impression she wants something that doesn t exist.

 

I am soooooo heartbrpken. I watched this conversion live since she left her msg box open on my laptop. It killed me inside. I wamted to break up with her but at hrr bday she again started being super loving to me and saying that she is so stupid. Yesterday she was so cudly and told me that she is so sorry and stupid that she almost lost me again.

 

Last night we were at a party and she had a jealousy episode which she claimed it was my revenge. Of course there is no merit to that because all I was doing was trying to get a group of 2 girls and their boyfriends to join our group. Still the whole thing and my gf being somewhat distant after that made me feel like crap.

 

I honestly don t know what to do. She hasn t been talking to her ex and she seems to want to make things work. I love her very much but I also know love means to also be able to sometimes let go. I would like to know your opinion on all this. Feel free to judge me but please don t give me the trivial "leave her" because I really want to make this work

Edited January 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Satu]

She's using you as someone to fill the gap between getting back with her ex, or meeting someone new and leaving you.

[Light Breeze]

Emotional cheating = humongous RED flag.

 

Treat her nice, don't flirt with others, respect her etc etc. but be prepared to be dumped or to be cheated on again. Third time's a charm.

[WonderWoman911]

I can truly understand your feelings of being hurt and being confused at the same time. You really love her but she consistently reaches out to this other guy. But it seems that she only finds fault in her actions when she gets caught. In order for this relationship to continue, she has to cut off all ties to this guy. Imo, if she's "so sorry",she needs to tell him to stop texting or emailing her and vice versa. Or get her number changed, his number blocked, whatever needs to take place. It seems like she's playing the "monkey bar game" with the both of you guys. She's with you, but still is clinging on to him, but come back to you, and so forth.

[lauri]

I'm gonna hate to say this to you but this is over. A girl who loves you and respects you could never do something like this. But because she knows you won't leave her over this, she continues to do this over and over again. If you had walked away from her in the beginning, you would've had her chasing you and realizing she made a mistake. You cannot be affraid to walk away...if you are you end up in a horrible situation like yours. This is the ONLY way you can make it work. Then if she begs, pleads and shows you she will stop, then you could THINK about taking her back. Remember man, you are the prize, not her. In my opinion, she's emotionally cheating on you anyways.

 

She knows she can manipulate you and the thing is, she is only staying with you because she can't be with her ex / find another "upgrade". I'm assuming her ex is ignoring her from time to time and ditching her (hense why she's chasing him) and your boring her / turning her off with your lack of self respect / sticking up for yourself (by sitting around and not standing up for yourself - aka not dumping her).

 

All these other solutions of making her stop won't work. She needs to make this decision on her own and the only way that will happen is if you have the guts to walk away and actually mean it. She has to believe you are the best thing since sliced bread (or nutella). So my suggestion is this...dump her, go NC for 2 weeks and see how she reacts. Make her work for you and don't be so easy...she knows what she is doing is wrong and probably has rationalized its okay by this point because you are still with her.

 

If you don't, continue to sit around and torture yourself. But don't complain, because at this point forward its going to be your fault because you let it get too far out of hand.

Edited January 11, 2015 by lauri

[st peter]

i think you have two options:

 

A) force her to delete all contact with her ex, and watch her as she deletes phone numbers etc. i would ensure she asks her ex not to contact her. tell her that you consider this cheating, and you are prepared to give her this one chance to make amends.

 

i don't think this will work i'm afraid, she is still emotionally connected to someone else so is cheating on you already by acting on it and messaging him. also, as ex-pats, maybe her real life and real hopes are back home?

 

B) break up with her with immediate effect. be mature, say you loved her but she betrayed you and you are protecting yourself. then NC with immediate effect.

 

I think you should do this, as it makes her decide at some point whether she really wants you. more importantly, if she did ask for you back, you would know whether you wanted her or not. but she needs to realise she could lose you.

 

 

best of luck mate, i will never understand women and thus i feel your pain

[ggas]

So here's what happened. Last night we had an honest talk about all this.

 

~She told me she is still haunted by things in the past.

~That she tried to make it work with that guy for 2 years and they couldn't reach a compromise.

~That he was emotionally abusive but somehow he showed power.

~That she loves me so so much. That she wants a break but keep "the idea of us".

 

So she wanted a break but not to break up. I said ok, that I will go and that I am sorry that it didn't work out but I hold nothing against her. I was sad but very very calm. She started crying like crazy, she didn't want me to go and we ended up having awesome sex. After that she told me "if you see me go crazy like this again *uck me like you did just now, *uck like there's no tomorrow. "

 

So now I understand that although I was a very good boyfriend, I turned from the alpha male I was in the beginning to a somewhat too clingy boyfriend that made her cast doubts on my strength as a guy and as a partner and obviously allowed her to flood her mind with the other guy. This does not excuse what she did in any way. But I want this to work, so I decided to change all the small things I was doing wrong like not pushing her enough to make a change happen in her life, not being objective enough with her, not being more supportive with her in achieving her objectives and see where this goes.

At least if it will fail (and time will tell) I will have my mind at peace that at least I tried. Then I can leave without looking back with regret.

 

I want to hear what do you guys think? I know lots of you will tell me this sounds weak or so. But I tell you, i'm not afraid of a breakup, I'm afraid of losing someone with whom I can prosper beyond imagination. If it won't work then so be it. I know it's a long shot. Some will say that we should've taken a break. But after the break the same problem can arise again or am I dead wrong on this? I mean we were separated before (back when I was all alpha with her and didn't care that much), she came back to me and look what happened. I mean where am I wrong? What do you guys think? Is it a stupid gamble what I'm doing?

Edited January 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs~T

[lauri]

That he was emotionally abusive but somehow he showed power.

 

I call BS on this. She is trying to be the victim here and pretend she isn't at fault. She isn't taking responsibility for her actions and that is not acceptable.

That she loves me so so much. That she wants a break but keep "the idea of us". So she wanted a break but not to break up.

Break = try out new things with ex boyfriend and figure herself out. This is because she isn't that into you anymore and wants to explore her options, without the guilty of cheating on you. And if things don't work out...well...at least she has you as a backup

She started crying like crazy, she didn't want me to go and we ended up having awesome sex. After that she told me "if you see me go crazy like this again *uck me like you did just now, *uck like there's no tomorrow. "

Manipulation. She is just manipulating you first with crying and then afterwards with sex. It clearly worked as it kept you around...I wouldve shut her down and walked away.

...her cast doubts on my strength as a guy and as a partner and obviously allowed her to flood her mind with the other guy. This does not excuse what she did in any way. But I want this to work, so I decided to change all the small things I was doing wrong

 

Is that what you think? That you not being "alpha" enough is what caused her to do this? How about her having poor morals? How about her just not being into you and using you so she isn't alone? She sounds like a weak woman in my opinion. Why do you have to change yourself? Why isn't SHE changing? Why aren't you demanding that she changes herself. As far as I'm concerned, she is no good.

 

If you wanted this to work, you should have walked away from the beginning. All you've done is rewarded her for poor behaviour. If you stay with her she will never respect you as you let her walk all over you and continue to manipulate you.

 

I know lots of you will tell me this sounds weak or so. But I tell you, i'm not afraid of a breakup, I'm afraid of losing someone with whom I can prosper beyond imagination.

 

You're right, I will tell you that it is weak, because it is. How do you even figure you can prosper with this cheating girl? Is this the type of woman you want to raise your children? Someone who cheats and manipulates you? What do you think is going to happen during marriage / with children once she has you by the balls? This will not end up good for you.

we should've taken a break. But after the break the same problem can arise again or am I dead wrong on this?

 

No, you shouldn't have taken a break. You should have broken up with her. These problems will continue to arise no matter what you do...she has a negative view of you and that is something that is going to be hard to shake. Walk away now, I'm telling you this is not going to end up well for you.

 

See above for a highlight of everything you said and all of the flags.

Edited January 12, 2015 by lauri

[EgoJoe]

Love is on some levels pure acceptance. Boundaries can mitigate love's all consuming effect.

 

 

This girl is doing exactly what she wants. She is getting attention from an Ex. She apologize profusely to you and in your pain you get sweet on her.

 

 

The next one will appreciate you more because you will have better boundaries. It's time to get mad.

[ggas]

I understand that she also needs to figure out her stuff. I also need to work on my stuff. And together I want us to work on our relationship. In any case problems cannot be ignored for that long. If I had to guess, within the next month perhaps much sooner I will have a pretty good idea if it will work or not. Meanwhile, I have some hope and I want to be optimist about this. But that does NOT mean that I will forgive and forgive and forgive. The way I see it this is the only thing that makes sense to me. If it doesn't work, well... at least I tried and I did whatever I could. Can't kick myself too badly about it

[Invictus01]

Here is what you need to do, dude. Call her bluff and walk away. You are afraid to lose her. That is understandable. The question is... is she afraid to lose you? Because if she isn't... You got nothing.

[bigtrouble]

One thing about women is that you can't really know what's going on their head, but one thing is certain they will never leave you unless they are 100% secure where they are leaping to. Why do I get the feeling each time you catch her its like punish me stuff, get hot, seems to turn her on, when you show your alpha side, I think your just too nice a guy and she's looking for something new and exciting in your relationship. The ball is in your court just don't press too hard, as she may still have some issues with her past relationship that was not sorted out...

[ggas]

So I will again tell me story.

 

2 years ago broke up with this girl and it took me several months up to a year to completely let go.

 

In september 2013 I met my current ex at a music festival. We hooked up and it was fun. I was kind of indiferrent towards her and after 2 months or so we broke up but I didn't think much of it.

 

In December she started reaching out again. I was still quite indifferent towards her and she wanted more saying that she wanted things to move faster. Move did indeed start to move faster and we were basically living together although I had my own place (btw I am 27 she is 29).

 

Everything was OK until last summer when she met with her ex. She told me they had a conversation and that they settled things like why they can't be together. I wanted to leave anyway but then she convinced me to stay and officialy move in with her. After that we started off again and it was great. She told me that I make her happy and that I am the kind of guy she wants to marry and so on and so forth.

 

All good until Christmass came. We are both expats and we take advantage of holidays to go home. At home she met with her ex again. And at NewYears she told me that she was happier with him than with him. That he was her last reference of happiness. I wanted to breakup again she made me stay.

 

On her birthday, January 7th I opened my laptop and I see she still has her FB open talking with her ex (live) telling him that she misses him (he reciprocated) and that she sometimes feels that only she wants something that doesn't exist with respect to him (he also reciprocated). I confronted her and she panicked telling me that she is so stupid and that she doesn't want to lose me. We made up (through sex).

 

Two weeks later, as in two days ago, we were out eating and she started a conversation that I am being artificially tough with her and that I am pushing things and it should be more natural. Eventually I ended up packing my things and leaving. She told me that she has doubts and that this relationship was healthy but she was looking for a tougher guy that leads her. 5 minutes before I left we made out. But I left with honour.

 

Now looking back I feel so much guilt that I wasn't "a tougher guy", "a leader" and that when I was all indifferent towards her I was just that. I feel that my weakness made me lose a great girl and in fact the kind of girl I want to marry some day. I just don't know how to shake this guilt feeling. Honestly don't know how. I have all sort of "what if questions?" but I don't want to ask her these questions. Anyway, please share any thoughts on this and keep in mind that I am not contacting her nor asking her to come back. Afterall, I was the one deciding to go when I saw she wasn't happy.

Edited January 22, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs ~T

[Ieris]

She's not a great girl, she was stringing you along and emotionally cheating behind your back. I'm glad you packed your things and left, don't regret it as her heart was never there for you to win. You caught her so many times yet she continued to hurt you, you gave her a chance to change and she chose not to.

 

I was the one deciding to go when I saw she wasn't happy

 

I am glad to see you write that line, just shows you're not only thinking for yourself but her as well. Lots of people want their exes to stay even if it will make them unhappy. It is tough to walk away/let them go but it is the right thing to do.

 

Don't feel guilty, you are not weak at all. It takes a strong person to walk away, you did it for you and for her. Please don't go back even if she begs, you will fall back into the same cycle.

[johnson_j]

There's nothing about this girl that's great. She's just using the "you're not a tough man" as an excuse and a rationalization in her mind as to why she should work things out with her ex. let him have her and her problems and drama. Don't ask me how I know this, but you have to trust me and trust your intuition that she is a cheater (if only emotionally)

 

 

You go on to someone who is better and respects you.

[Zahara]

She told me that she has doubts and that this relationship was healthy but she was looking for a tougher guy that leads her. 5 minutes before I left we made out. But I left with honour.

 

But it's perfectly healthy to go back to a guy that supposedly was emotionally abusive to her? It has nothing to do with you being the "tougher guy" but if it is, then it is clear she's toxic herself. Or she could be pulling out excuses from her butt to justify why she needs to leave, and hopefully alleviate her feelings of guilt -- because she knows she strung you along.

 

Now looking back I feel so much guilt that I wasn't "a tougher guy", "a leader" and that when I was all indifferent towards her I was just that. I feel that my weakness made me lose a great girl and in fact the kind of girl I want to marry some day.

 

Don't let her talk you into believing that excuse. It's an excuse. She's going back to an emotionally abusive guy. What does that say about her?

[kendahke]

I posted something similar a few months ago. I met my gf one year ago and we hit it off. I was super confident and things were going well. Till... Last summer. We are both expats so we go home every now and then. When we went last summer she met with her ex and told him some things that really hurt me like "I miss you. I am anxious when you don't write. My heart will beat faster when I ll see you again".So I wanted to break it off but her apology and insistence made me give the relationship another chance. We were happy and doing things together and I thought we are over that.

 

Until at New Year's when she again met with her ex who kind of blew her off. We had an argument (though not about this) and it made me ferl so lonely in this relationship. Week later was her bday and her ex trxted and they started talking again. She told him that she was the most happy eith him and he hunts her for a while now and that she recently started dreaming about him. He reciprocated to this and told her that it is sad they were so happy but broke up. To which she told him that it is indeed sad but that she has the impression she wants something that doesn t exist.

 

I am soooooo heartbrpken. I watched this conversion live since she left her msg box open on my laptop. It killed me inside. I wamted to break up with her but at hrr bday she again started being super loving to me and saying that she is so stupid. Yesterday she was so cudly and told me that she is so sorry and stupid that she almost lost me again.

 

Last night we were at a party and she had a jealousy episode which she claimed it was my revenge. Of course there is no merit to that because all I was doing was trying to get a group of 2 girls and their boyfriends to join our group. Still the whole thing and my gf being somewhat distant after that made me feel like crap.

 

I honestly don t know what to do. She hasn t been talking to her ex and she seems to want to make things work. I love her very much but I also know love means to also be able to sometimes let go. I would like to know your opinion on all this. Feel free to judge me but please don t give me the trivial "leave her" because I really want to make this work

 

In order for "this" to work, she has to repudiate the ex. Will she do that?

 

Nothing is going to spin the earth backwards to the moment when she first gave her ex entree into her intimacy, so you're going to have to live with the fact that she has the tendency to do this behind your back. Can you live with that and be quiet and content with her and never bring it up?

[kendahke]

~That she loves me so so much. That she wants a break but keep "the idea of us".

 

So she wanted a break but not to break up. I said ok, that I will go and that I am sorry that it didn't work out but I hold nothing against her.

 

IMO, there is no such thing as "a break". Neglect doesn't solve anything in any sphere of reality. When you neglect anything, it withers and dies. So either you're together working on your issues or you're broken up.

 

What she is doing is saying "I want the latitude to go chase behind my ex and if I can't get anything to happen, then I want to come back to you, but you cannot get involved with anyone while I'm gone". Selfish selfish selfish. No. You stay and work things through or you bounce.

[kendahke]

Two weeks later, as in two days ago, we were out eating and she started a conversation that I am being artificially tough with her and that I am pushing things and it should be more natural. Eventually I ended up packing my things and leaving. She told me that she has doubts and that this relationship was healthy but she was looking for a tougher guy that leads her. 5 minutes before I left we made out. But I left with honour.

 

So she wants a man who will abuse her because that's what she thinks is love. Man, she's got some issues she needs to be working out with a therapist. She doesn't need a man.

 

Now looking back I feel so much guilt that I wasn't "a tougher guy", "a leader"

 

You're feeling bad because you weren't abusive? Because that's what she's saying.

 

and that when I was all indifferent towards her I was just that. I feel that my weakness made me lose a great girl and in fact the kind of girl I want to marry some day. I just don't know how to shake this guilt feeling. Honestly don't know how. I have all sort of "what if questions?" but I don't want to ask her these questions. Anyway, please share any thoughts on this and keep in mind that I am not contacting her nor asking her to come back. Afterall, I was the one deciding to go when I saw she wasn't happy.

 

See, first off, she's not a great girl. She may have given up the best sex you've had so far in your life, but that doesn't mean she's a great girl. A great girl doesn't chase in behind her ex boyfriend and then uses sex to manipulate you into not leaving her when she needed to be left. A great girl doesn't turn things around on you and make you feel weak because the only connection to love she can make is when it comes from someone being abusive towards her. I mean, do you really want someone who can't leave their ex alone to be the mother of your children?

 

I think you demonstrated a whole lot of strength by seeing this for what it is and leaving her. A weak person would have stayed and turned themselves inside out to not see what was in front of them.

[lolablue17]

I can tell you what you did wrong.

 

You should have treated her like $hit, cheating on her, dating other girls and apologizing after that, ignoring her from time to time, breaking up with her for every mistake she did, showing up late to your meetings with her and being angry if she's making a big deal out of it... being abusive, and stuff like that.

 

If you did all that, she was your girlfriend now.

 

The only reason she was your girlfriend is that her EX lives far away. I'm sure she was cheating on you when she met him far away from you and told him the same words she told you about "fu&k her like there is no tomorrow"

Edited January 22, 2015 by lolablue17