Author Courtney12345 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 You keep saying this but there is a difference between two people coming to the table, emotionally available and ready to walk down that slow path VERSUS taking it slow because one person isn't fully invested and is still attached to an ex. He's still pining for her or in some way hasn't fully detached from her. Whether you're the rebound, or the one that's filling some void or a distraction from what's going on with him -- he's not fully invested in you, at least emotionally and for the right reasons. And the reason he keeps poo pooing your concerns is because it allows him to continue justifying his behavior. Hopefully you'll accept his dismissal of you as you just overreacting and he can go on doing what he wants to do. I guess you're right... I guess maybe I am just there so he is not lonely... but does like me to an extent...but no further? ... I told him to go date another girl if I am not what he wants.. so why doesn't he? Do you think he will ever get over her? Or am I just in fantasy land
Zahara Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 I guess you're right... I guess maybe I am just there so he is not lonely... but does like me to an extent...but no further? ... I told him to go date another girl if I am not what he wants.. so why doesn't he? Do you think he will ever get over her? Or am I just in fantasy land Does it matter whether he likes you or how much he likes you, when it it isn't enough to fully invest in you? He doesn't go and date other girls because he is not over his ex, but you're there to provide him whatever he needs so why go through the trouble of starting all over again when 1) he's not motivated to meet others because he's still attached to the ex 2) you're available. This isn't about you because even if he dated someone else, he'll probably still be focused on the ex. How can he get over her when he keeps her in his focus? The best way to get over someone is to detach, remove them from your focus. He doesn't want to do that. Just to indulge you -- if I told you that MAYBE in a year he'd get over her and that is if he goes completely dark when it comes to her, would you be sitting there in the corner waiting for that possibility to happen? It's a question no one can answer for you, even he can't give you a definite on that. 1
Gaeta Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 What can I do to know if this guy is toying with me or looking for something more? He told you he is not ready for something more and after 1 year and 7 months if he doesn't know now it will never happen. What are some signs that he does have feelings? He told you he does not have these feelings yet. You are not listenning to him. He gave you all these answers, you are just not wanting to hear them. I told him to go date another girl if I am not what he wants.. so why doesn't he? Because you are already there, you are familiar, it's much easier than chasing another new woman Do you think he will ever get over her? Or am I just in fantasy land One day he will get back with her or he will get over her BUT when he gets over her I can assure you at 99.9% he won't move on with you. You're the band-aid girl.Men don't move on in life with their band-aid girlWhen this is over you will regret having wasted so much time on him.
veggirl Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Honestly he doesn't respect you. You were his side piece. Your feelings even now are just not that important to him. How did you expect to start a good relationship by helping someone cheat? You guys started on rocky ground, you have no real foundation. He asked her to move with him and she said no, so he settled.
Author Courtney12345 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 Honestly he doesn't respect you. You were his side piece. Your feelings even now are just not that important to him. How did you expect to start a good relationship by helping someone cheat? You guys started on rocky ground, you have no real foundation. He asked her to move with him and she said no, so he settled. Ok so is there a way we can begin fresh? It's not that I helped him cheat... He told me he was single... he believed he was single... until she confused him with wanting to come visit... Is there a way we can start fresh? Should I see him less? Call him less? Text him less?... let things flow naturally? Should I stop questioning and leave it in the past and whatever happens happens... Or is it too much of a mess...
Author Courtney12345 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 What can I do to know if this guy is toying with me or looking for something more? He told you he is not ready for something more and after 1 year and 7 months if he doesn't know now it will never happen. What are some signs that he does have feelings? He told you he does not have these feelings yet. You are not listenning to him. He gave you all these answers, you are just not wanting to hear them. I told him to go date another girl if I am not what he wants.. so why doesn't he? Because you are already there, you are familiar, it's much easier than chasing another new woman Do you think he will ever get over her? Or am I just in fantasy land One day he will get back with her or he will get over her BUT when he gets over her I can assure you at 99.9% he won't move on with you. You're the band-aid girl.Men don't move on in life with their band-aid girlWhen this is over you will regret having wasted so much time on him. No he told me he does have feelings for me (sorry if I miss wrote something) I just want to know what actions can determine this... because saying and doing is differently... these are things he does despite the EX problem: He calls me everyday (at least once for 45 minutes) we say good morning/ goodnight... he always wants me near him when we are together.. despite if people know or not he wants to be near me.. he becomes very jealous if i talk to another guy (even says he will break up with me if something is going on)?.. (a little weird) he plays / cuddles/ tickles me... he introduces me to his friends and family Thing is I am confused. I have had guys in my past who were boyfriends and ended up being liars .. ive had guys want to be with me and never pursue me ... I've had friends flash there relationships that seemed perfect... friends that were engaged and broke up... this guy okay there is a huge red flag at first but everywhere else he treats me great...Im honestly confused because truth is nothing is guaranteed... he could propose to me and marry me and it might not even be perfect... I am sorry if I am confusing people I just don't know if I am taking a risk and it will be worth it... or if I'm setting myself up for another disaster!
EverLastluv Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 (edited) Its very dificult to come out of the way and tell an ex that the found some one else. Especially when they had so many years together. If you love this guy you need to gave it some time for him to feel comfortable with him self to when he should. I would not question the fact she like his stuff. Work on building a relationship with him an eventually you can post on his fb wall something he may like. When you do that and the ex see she would be the one to question him who you are. He would den have to say who you are. If he have a problem you initiate contact on fb with him as his gf then you know where things stands between the two you. Edited January 16, 2015 by EverLastluv
MissBee Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Ok so is there a way we can begin fresh? It's not that I helped him cheat... He told me he was single... he believed he was single... until she confused him with wanting to come visit... Is there a way we can start fresh? Should I see him less? Call him less? Text him less?... let things flow naturally? Should I stop questioning and leave it in the past and whatever happens happens... Or is it too much of a mess... You can't start fresh if the other person is still hung up on their ex and their ex's feelings take precedence over yours and they refuse to tell their ex about you so that they won't lose their ex's "friendship." A relationship requires both people willing to invest their all and who are emotionally available. Your bf is not. You can't be the one dragging him along and doing everything to make it work. The fact that you say that he "thought he was single" until she apparently confused him by coming for a visit is proof enough that he is not done with her. He was glad to go back to her when she came back. He was only single because he thought she broke it off not because he broke it off. A man who is done with his ex is NOT going to be "confused" and go back to her just because she came to visit, neither will he hide his current gf from her so as not to lose her "friendship." I know you're reaching because you don't want to end things and are hoping it can be salvaged....but please look at the facts. I'm worried that if you bury your head in the sand or are the one who has to go high and low to make it work you will be even more upset and disappointed if and when he ends things or they just get worse. HE should be the one doing all he can to prove he is over his ex, including introducing you, the fact that he isn't willing tells everything, you're the one going into overdrive to try to fix things when you're not the one who has done anything wrong. Pay attention to the signs. A man over his ex and serious about you wouldn't act like this. I'd give him space and also be willing to let him go, after all, you guys have not been together that long so it's not like your heart should be broken in a million pieces over this. It will hurt a bit but will be better now than if you continue with this for months with his halfhearted investment or if and when his ex pops up he instantly throws you under the bus and tosses you curb side which I have every reason to believe he would if she comes knocking/changes her mind about them being over.
Gaeta Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 these are things he does despite the EX problem: He calls me everyday (at least once for 45 minutes) we say good morning/ goodnight... he always wants me near him when we are together.. despite if people know or not he wants to be near me.. he becomes very jealous if i talk to another guy (even says he will break up with me if something is going on)?.. (a little weird) he plays / cuddles/ tickles me... he introduces me to his friends and family Of course he enjoys you and he appreciates you. He is being a decent man and a decent boyfriend but he is not 'in love with you'. After having spent all this time with you a whole year and 7 months, if he is still not 'in love with you' chances are it will never happen. Sure you can stand by and accept the backseat but for how long? Do you really think it's normal that a man does not want to tell the world about his gf after 1 year and a half? I would consider 6 months PLENTY for a man to know if he's in love or not. Turn the situation around. Name me one reason why you would not your ex bf to know about the new man in your life? And we're not talking marriage here, we are talking about a silly FB status that can be undone as easily as it's been done. 3
Author Courtney12345 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 Of course he enjoys you and he appreciates you. He is being a decent man and a decent boyfriend but he is not 'in love with you'. After having spent all this time with you a whole year and 7 months, if he is still not 'in love with you' chances are it will never happen. Sure you can stand by and accept the backseat but for how long? Do you really think it's normal that a man does not want to tell the world about his gf after 1 year and a half? I would consider 6 months PLENTY for a man to know if he's in love or not. Turn the situation around. Name me one reason why you would not your ex bf to know about the new man in your life? And we're not talking marriage here, we are talking about a silly FB status that can be undone as easily as it's been done. And this is why I distant myself. I have become confused and worried, where I stopped contacting him first. I stopped making him a priority when we're with mutual people, and I have stopped asking to come over.. this has somewhat caused him to come closer?.. meaning he contacts me more. For a guy who says he hates texting , he will send a random text... when we're with the same people, I barely give him attention. I used to always go near him, or text him or do something to get his attention. Ever since I stopped, he does those things. He comes near me . He touches my arms and shoulders in front of everyone. He pokes my stomach... all these randomness in front of everyone (and not everyone knows we're dating)... so I become confused. Because I am like if he doesn't love me, if he doesn't want me like that, he wouldn't care about me when we're not in our bubble... he wouldn't seek my attention since he wants private for the time being? From my understanding, before we were dating (and we were just friends getting to know each other, he had told me about an EX prior to the most recent one. He told me (without me asking), that he kept his recent EX hidden from her because he didn't want to hurt her.. and that she found out by running into them somewhere public, which ruined there friendship.. so then this makes me wonder that maybe he is being honest... the only difference is that this recent ex was someone he wanted to marry and invested many years in, so he might need more time? Is he in love with me ? I don't know... why is he wasting time with me if he doesn't feel anything? He told me he does feel... he told me love takes time to develop and that he won't lie he does have feelings for me and wants to be with me... I am distancing myself slowly... but the more I distance and give him space, the more he comes after me so I become confused.
Author Courtney12345 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 I don't even shower him with gifts because I become too scared to show my real emotions and give love to the possibility that he might not love me. He always treats me dinner and buys me gifts on holidays. I bought him for holidays too. I believe he does want small gifts too since his friends gf sent him chocolate via mail and he said to me "why don't you ever do things like that to me" but not in a demanding or rude way, but in a way that like deep down he would appreciate it?... but I don't know if I should... do I want to? I'd love to... but I don't know if it's worth it .. if he wants me to do it , or he likes the idea of it..
Gaeta Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Again: Turn the situation around. Name me one reason why you would not your ex bf to know about the new man in your life?
Zahara Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 ^^ This ^^. Yes, give us a reason why you would not want your ex-bf knowing you are dating someone. And a reason why you would hide him for 1 year and 7 months.
Author Courtney12345 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 ^^ This ^^. Yes, give us a reason why you would not want your ex-bf knowing you are dating someone. And a reason why you would hide him for 1 year and 7 months. to answer your question regarding this... I wouldn't bring it as a topic of discussion but I wouldn't flash it either... I am not big on social media and posting my relationship info.. same thing in public. If someone asks me I will say I am in a relationship.. but it's not a topic of discussion I bring up. Truth is I haven't even told half the people I am back together with this guy.. why is that? Because I do not like talking about it. They will ask me why. I had a whole discussion with them why we broke up to sit and tell my friends I am back together is just a waste of time. So I try to deal with my own problems. But if he did this with a prior EX too.. does it mean it's just how he does things? I've told this guy many times that I am scared and worried and he tells me not to be. I even asked him if he trusts himself to DATE HIMSELF with what he is telling me, and he says yes... I've distance myself , he comes closer... I plan to leave for 3 months this summer too so I can distance myself more... I asked him why did he get back together with me. He says he has feelings for me and that was never a lie. He even cried when he first broke up with me.
Author Courtney12345 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 I don;t want to tell people who I am with unless I am sure this is the guy. As you can see we have our difficulties... so I can't tell people... I am just not 100% sure if it's his EX that's the problem.. or if he really doesn't want anything with me
CALOVELY Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 I don;t want to tell people who I am with unless I am sure this is the guy. As you can see we have our difficulties... so I can't tell people... I am just not 100% sure if it's his EX that's the problem.. or if he really doesn't want anything with me Please re-read what you wrote earlier: "He says he wants to be with me, but isn't ready to tell her, and doesn't know when he will." He has been with you for nearly two years. After all this time he is still unwilling to close the door with her. You are wasting your time with this guy. 3
Gaeta Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 I don;t want to tell people who I am with unless I am sure this is the guy. As you can see we have our difficulties... so I can't tell people... I am just not 100% sure if it's his EX that's the problem.. or if he really doesn't want anything with me So family and friends would disapprove of you being back with him?
Author Courtney12345 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 So family and friends would disapprove of you being back with him? I haven't told my family. I can't until I figure out what we are... His family is OBSESSED with the EX... one of his family members posted to her on a public post of hers that she should come to the US and she replied "irrelevant".. My friends wouldn't disapprove .. I just don't like being the type airing out my problems constantly to them... I also am not comfortable discussing them which is why I am on here. I am not comfortable with my friends knowing my personal business.
Zahara Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 (edited) to answer your question regarding this... I wouldn't bring it as a topic of discussion but I wouldn't flash it either... I am not big on social media and posting my relationship info.. same thing in public. If someone asks me I will say I am in a relationship.. but it's not a topic of discussion I bring up. Truth is I haven't even told half the people I am back together with this guy.. why is that? Because I do not like talking about it. They will ask me why. I had a whole discussion with them why we broke up to sit and tell my friends I am back together is just a waste of time. So I try to deal with my own problems. You're evading the question. Why would you not tell an ex-boyfriend that you are dating someone for 1 year and 7 months? I'm not asking you about family, friends, FB statuses, etc. and making public announcements. But if he did this with a prior EX too.. does it mean it's just how he does things? That's irrelevant. But if you want to make it relevant than I have to ask why both of you were/are kept to the side while this ex is apparently is known and is even being obsessed by his family. I've told this guy many times that I am scared and worried and he tells me not to be. I even asked him if he trusts himself to DATE HIMSELF with what he is telling me, and he says yes... Of course. Do you think he's going to say you have something to be worried about? Edited January 16, 2015 by Zahara
oldshirt Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 1. None of that bitches business 2. I don't talk to my exs Problem solved This ^^^^^^ He owes her nothing. It's none of her business. That's what breaking up is.
serial muse Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 (edited) OP, I think the issue is that you are a classic rebound relationship - that doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you, but it does mean that everything about your current relationship with this guy is going to be filtered through the lens of his previous relationship. Of course he cried when you broke up the first time - but, as much as this might be painful to hear, I think a lot of the tears were probably self-pity: feeling like he can't get a relationship to work, what's wrong with him, etc. He's thinking about himself, not you. Yes, I'm sure he's jealous of you talking to other men - because he doesn't want to lose yet another girlfriend. Yes, I'm sure he enjoys being with you - because he doesn't want to be alone. None of this means that you aren't a perfectly wonderful human being - it just means that you started dating a guy who isn't available. You were dating him while he was completely broken up over separating - geographically - from another woman, and smoking pot to ease the pain of it! That is the biggest red flag I can think of aside from actually finding them in bed together. (By the way, I'm giving the idea that he didn't spend time alone with her when he was back home the side-eye.) It sounds like maybe his family doesn't know about you either? (You said they told his ex on Facebook to move!) That's telling, too. I don't agree that you were the "side piece", because it sounds like they had officially "taken a break", even if they had not officially split up for ever and always. But you still stepped into an emotional land mine of a situation that is way over your head. The giant red flag here is the idea that he doesn't want to tell her because he thinks it means he'll lose her friendship. Who knows whether that's accurate, or whether it's really about him not wanting to cut ties - what matters is that, at this moment and in the foreseeable future, her feelings here trump yours. It also doesn't matter whether that's fair to you or fair to her or fair to him - taking all judgment out of it, the practical point is that he's not choosing your needs over hers right now, and he doesn't know when (OR IF) he will. You could choose to sit around and wait. I wouldn't, though. He's not giving you a lot to hold on to. I think what you can take from this are some tough lessons about dating someone shortly out of a breakup. For example, don't be fooled by intensity of emotion, because that's only to be expected. It doesn't mean he's realized you're the one, it means he's feeling a lot of feelings and you're present for them. I think you should let this one go. You're only going to get more hurt. Now's the time to cut your losses and put yourself first. It's OK to do that. Edited to add: He told you not to break up with him again. I have to admit, I read some self-pity into that, too. I'm sure it would hurt him, but you're hurt now. He's being selfish. Edited January 16, 2015 by serial muse 1
MissBee Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 This ^^^^^^ He owes her nothing. It's none of her business. That's what breaking up is. Right....but since he still talks to her and cares about her friendship and losing it, THAT is the problem at hand and why everyone is saying something is amiss here if your bf cares sooooo much about his ex's feelings about his new relationship where he essentially values keeping his friendship with the ex over being open about the OP. Clearly, men who are over their last gf either aren't friends with her and don't really speak to her at all OR even if they are friendly have no issues telling the ex about their current woman. So the fact that her boyfriend talks to his ex often and hides her from the ex to protect his "friendship" is all kinds of wrong and obvious that he doesn't want to do so because he wants the ex back and is afraid that her knowing he has a new gf would ruin those chances. 1
darkmoon Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 (edited) not ready? all he has to do is say one sentence "I want you, exname, to move on, you are winding up the woman I love" you say things between you are great when you are together, but i bet deep down you are unhappy with her in his life too, even though he is nice to you, if another man asks you out, no sex but go on the date, just friendly like him and ex Edited January 16, 2015 by darkmoon
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