Courtney12345 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I've been dating a guy for about 1.7 months. Things are great, he treats me great. His family knows, and his close friends know about us. A few of our mutual friends know about us too. We haven't made a public announcement or even put it on social media, so the whole world does not know about us yet. I in general, enjoy taking relationships slow... I want to get to know the person and see if we're compatible, and see where things go. Truth is I didn't feel a lot when I first met this guy, but getting to know him my feelings have become so deep. It scares me that I'm scared to even move forward at times because I fear getting hurt. My dilemma is that my current boyfriend doesn't want to tell his ex gf that he has a new gf (me). I ask him why is that, and he claims it's cause he doesn't want to lose her friendship. They were together for almost 8 years were supposed to get married, life got in the way, she wouldn't re-locate for him, and they mutually broke up on good terms. Does he still care for her? Of course I don't expect him to be completely over her ... 8 years is a long time... I have nothing against him being friends with her, I just become very uncomfortable when he says he won't tell her about us and doesn't know when... I try to remain calm ... however things get to me when this EX constantly likes posts on facebook and instagram ... it's annoying lol... so I confront him nicely about this and tell him why does she do that? is something going on? He claims that I over think things and that they are just FRIENDS. He claims they rarely talk , he doesn't even initiate conversations with her, usually she does to see how he is and ask what is new. He says he is not ready to develop 100% with me... (obviously he has emotional baggage) I try to be patient, things are great, except the telling the EX part... I don't mind taking things slow in a relationship as long as it develops normally, and if we end up together great, if not it wasn't meant to be... But how can i have hope when he doesn't want to tell his ex (yet)? Should I believe him? Should I give it a little more time?
CT98 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Whether he still has feelings for her or not it's quite obvious that - despite your protests to the opposite - his friendship with her does bother you. You're only 1.7 months into the relationship, things should still be all rosy and fantastic, so it seems like it's not a good basis for a relationship to me. 1
SycamoreCircle Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 How do you confront someone nicely? I don't think a person who is 1.7(???) months into a relationship but is not thoroughly sure about the relationship is baggage-filled. Sounds like they're being careful. You need to be careful, too. Pull back a little. You've got too much invested. You're going to get hurt. 2
NoLeafClover Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 1. None of that bitches business 2. I don't talk to my exs Problem solved 1
veggirl Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Doesn't sound like he's over her. How long ago did they break up? Why are you wasting your time w/ someone who has told you that he can't give you 100? 2
Winterina Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Red flag. He still has feelings for her and she for him. If it weren't like that, there would be no danger of losing her as a friend because he has new relationship. 2
almond Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I don't think a person who is 1.7(???) months into a relationship but is not thoroughly sure about the relationship is baggage-filled. Sounds like they're being careful. You need to be careful, too. Pull back a little. You've got too much invested. You're going to get hurt. Definitely agree with the above. I wouldn't even say that it's being careful...just being reasonable and realistic. Pull back a bit, OP. It has only been a few weeks. Anyway OP, the fact that he hasn't told his ex is not concerning in itself, especially since you haven't changed social media status to reflect it or anything. She should find out naturally, as everyone else will. She shouldn't get special treatment. If he had run to tell her, it would raise flags. However, the thing that didn't sit right with me is his reasoning: he doesn't want to tell her because he doesn't want to lose her friendship? Wtf? So, this indicates that if she finds out he is with someone else, she will get upset and cut all contact? If that's the case, then it isn't exactly a friendship. The fact that he finds this okay is troubling. I would not be comfortable with this at all, and I would seriously doubt whether he had moved on from her or not. They were together for eight years...how long have they been broken up for? If you two are exclusive and together (?), you have every right to raise this with him. A few weeks isn't a long time...but how long does he plan on hiding your relationship so he can keep his ex girlfriend around? Are you sure he is emotionally available? Is he taking this relationship seriously? 1
Author Courtney12345 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 They broke up officially 7 months ago. She gave him mixed signals on whether or not she wanted to relocate and he thought they were over and was happy with me... Until I told him no I can't be with you until you get a straight answer from her if things are over... where he contacted her (since they rarely spoke), and got a final decision that she refuses to move. I don't think he doesn't have feelings for me. Truth is I distance myself sometimes to see how he acts. When we are with mutual company (those who know or don't know about us), I keep my distance, I hang out with others, and focus on others, I don't say hi to him unless I run into him. When I do that, he makes his way to come say hi, he does little things to get attention, such as send me a text (when he hates texting), or come up to me in front of everyone and poke me or rub my shoulder, silly things... I wonder if he does love me but is scared to admit it... that he does respect his EX (which isn't a bad sign as it means he is a good person), but also doesn't want to push us forward as he got hurt... he felt betrayed by this person of 8 years when she denied him to move across the world for him. They had a serious relationship working toward marriage so maybe he's wounded ...
Author Courtney12345 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 Definitely agree with the above. I wouldn't even say that it's being careful...just being reasonable and realistic. Pull back a bit, OP. It has only been a few weeks. Anyway OP, the fact that he hasn't told his ex is not concerning in itself, especially since you haven't changed social media status to reflect it or anything. She should find out naturally, as everyone else will. She shouldn't get special treatment. If he had run to tell her, it would raise flags. However, the thing that didn't sit right with me is his reasoning: he doesn't want to tell her because he doesn't want to lose her friendship? Wtf? So, this indicates that if she finds out he is with someone else, she will get upset and cut all contact? If that's the case, then it isn't exactly a friendship. The fact that he finds this okay is troubling. I would not be comfortable with this at all, and I would seriously doubt whether he had moved on from her or not. They were together for eight years...how long have they been broken up for? If you two are exclusive and together (?), you have every right to raise this with him. A few weeks isn't a long time...but how long does he plan on hiding your relationship so he can keep his ex girlfriend around? Are you sure he is emotionally available? Is he taking this relationship seriously? The thing is I partially believe it is just friendship... I also believe the EX is still more in love with him than he is... Because she initiates most of the convo's... he also said if she has a new bf it would be easier to tell her... I don't know if I'm insane, if he is being truthful, if I should be a little more patient, if I should push out of fear, or if I should end it. Thing is I don't want to end because I have fallen in love, and want to believe he is not hurting me.. I told him I'm scared and he said I shouldn't be. He tells me he cares a lot but the is not ready to develop yet ... I don't know I've had friends who began relationships that seem so perfect you'd think they get married... and they broke up. I've had friends who even were engaged announced it to the world and broke up... truth is relationships are not guaranteed I know that.... I know there is a risk of losing him. I am not against taking relationships slow.. I'm okay with focusing on us rather than what people think... But I want to feel like I am walking into the unexpected... Because he won't tell his EX yet has me fearing that it's doomed, and truth is I don't know ... really you never know... maybe he's scared because he doesn't know either... he thought he was going to marry this woman, that she would have relocated and in the end didn't and broke his heart... so maybe he's scared to move things forward with me as I might not be with him ... I do occasionally get angry and break things off with him...
almond Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 (edited) They broke up officially 7 months ago. She gave him mixed signals on whether or not she wanted to relocate and he thought they were over and was happy with me... Until I told him no I can't be with you until you get a straight answer from her if things are over... where he contacted her (since they rarely spoke), and got a final decision that she refuses to move. I don't think he doesn't have feelings for me. Truth is I distance myself sometimes to see how he acts. When we are with mutual company (those who know or don't know about us), I keep my distance, I hang out with others, and focus on others, I don't say hi to him unless I run into him. When I do that, he makes his way to come say hi, he does little things to get attention, such as send me a text (when he hates texting), or come up to me in front of everyone and poke me or rub my shoulder, silly things... I wonder if he does love me but is scared to admit it... that he does respect his EX (which isn't a bad sign as it means he is a good person), but also doesn't want to push us forward as he got hurt... he felt betrayed by this person of 8 years when she denied him to move across the world for him. They had a serious relationship working toward marriage so maybe he's wounded ... So you two were together before they even broke up officially? And he "felt betrayed by this person of 8 years" for not moving across the world for him? Hmm. Eight years is a very long time...and it doesn't seem like he's taken any time to recover. He also keeps in contact with her. I seriously doubt that he is even close to ready for another relationship, and you're probably going to get hurt here I'm afraid Exactly how long have you two been together? I'm not sure what 1.7 months means. How long have you known each other for in total? When you two had "the chat," did you agree that you are both in a committed, exclusive relationship? This is all sounding pretty messy to me...I'm predicting a bit of a bumpy ride for you... Edited January 11, 2015 by almond 2
Author Courtney12345 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 So you two were together before they even broke up officially? And he "felt betrayed by this person of 8 years" for not moving across the world for him? Hmm. Yes. He moved to the USA and asked her to come, she kept saying no. Truth is he was also going through depression and was on medication. So yes he was unstable. He also would smoke a lot of weed cause he had a lot on his mind. He truthfully thought they were over. He met me and instantly liked me... wanted to get to know me, etc. I admit we kind of rushed (as I was unstable at the time too)... over time we developed feelings for each other. This is when he found out his EX might be reconsidering to coming ... he kept it from me because he didn't want to hurt me and because he was confused as he thought they were over. (I mean if my EX told me they were going to surprise visit me, and I still loved them, I'd break up with the new person immediately? He didn't?) I eventually found out and ended the relationship. He contacted her to find out what is going on. She gave her final say and broke up mutually. Does this girl still love him? Of course. Does he still care? Of course... but he says that doesn't mean she can't move on... Eight years is a very long time...and it doesn't seem like he's taken any time to recover. He also keeps in contact with her. I seriously doubt that he is even close to ready for another relationship, and you're probably going to get hurt here I'm afraid 8 years is a lot of time... as far as recovering maybe he hasn't given any time.. but I believe he has accepted it in ways where he has stopped smoking weed, where he focuses on me, and where he really doesn't initiate conact with her, it's mostly her. He barely likes anything she posts on social media ... whee as he used to comment/ like everything... I tell him I'm scared that he is going to hurt me, he says I shouldn't be. But he is not ready to develop as far as I want yet... at least he is being honest... I just don't know how much of a chance we have to progress if that makes sense. Exactly how long have you two been together? I'm not sure what 1.7 months means. One year and 7 months... out first year to me really doesn't count as he was confused because of the whole EX drama where he thought they were over and she kept confusing him... after they officially broke up mutually on good terms, we have been together for about 7 months now. He tells me I shouldn't take the break up route again and put him through that (as I guess the first time I told him it was over he ended up ending things with his EX, and we got back together) How long have you known each other for in total? We've known each other in total of about 2 years... truth is compared to most guys he is upfront and honest... I keep saying maybe he is using me for sex, but that's not true, as we have an emotional bond too. We don't always have sex... we both become upset when the other is upset... we both want each other's attention despite the fact that we are keeping it low... he's always helping me when needed... When you two had "the chat," did you agree that you are both in a committed, exclusive relationship? When we had the chat we are in an exclusive relationship.. we don't date other people... we invest time in us... he becomes jealous when other guys talk to me, it's the way he is... as far as him cheating on me with someone else, I don't think he is... he's always talking to me on his free time... we're always together when he's free, and he always makes eye contact with me... I am just concerned about the EX... I don't know if I am insecure and should be... or if he is just being honest that he is not ready yet and wants to take time... he promises me he is not using me and that if he didn't want to be with me, he wouldn't be. Look, I don't want the fact that we broke up because he was confused with his past to affect us now... to be honest we did the right thing as it wasn't healthy to be in a relationship if things weren't resolved from his previous one. If he had chosen me instead of her it would mean he threw out a 8 year old relationship down the drain for someone he barely knew... that doesn't make him seem like a good person to date either... flashing it in her face doesn't either... that's like he's trying to make her jealous... It's also an awkward subject... I just fear like he may never tell her and I don't know what to do or to have any hope.. This is all sounding pretty messy to me...I'm predicting a bit of a bumpy ride for you... Yes that's true... we began a huge bumpy ride... but it has smoothed a lot lately... until this question came up again... I don't know if I am pushing too much or if I should let things flow naturally or if I am setting myself up for disaster... Like I said I have had friends be in perfect relationships and they all ended... even with this guy he was in a perfect relationship for 8 years, and split up because of distance... if he really wanted to make things work with her he'd do long distance, he'd ask her to come for vacation, he'd call her everyday, and he would still be smoking pot to calm himself over the pain...
Author Courtney12345 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 He says he wants to be with me, but isn't ready to tell her, and doesn't know when he will to tell me... and that I have to decide what I want
veggirl Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 So basically you were the other woman for a year. 7 months ago he called his ex to find out if she would move with him, she said no, so for the last 7 months he has been with just you. so you are his back up plan. 1
Satu Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 But how can i have hope when he doesn't want to tell his ex (yet)? Should I believe him? Should I give it a little more time? No, you shouldn't. He's treating you as if you are his mistress/cheating partner/other woman. RED FLAG. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Another joke of a relationship. This is too silly to almost reply to to, but yeah...you're option 2, whatever is going on with him and her you'll never know. You're just one of those women that thinks all second hand information is crystal clear and true just because the guy says it...as if he doesn't know you're leaning in just waiting for him to say something wrong, he couldn't possibly be crafting his answers just for you...oh no, it takes a genius of a mind to figure that out. Chances are high this isn't going to end well for you...so none of this in the end will really matter. 2
Frank2thepoint Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 We haven't made a public announcement or even put it on social media, so the whole world does not know about us yet. You posted it here, which is a public forum, and easily accessible by search engines such as Google. So it's public to the world now. My dilemma is that my current boyfriend doesn't want to tell his ex gf that he has a new gf (me). I ask him why is that, and he claims it's cause he doesn't want to lose her friendship. He says he is not ready to develop 100% with me... It's simple, he isn't over his ex. He spent eight years with her, and he is still holding on to her. He doesn't want to tell her about you because he doesn't want her to think he has moved on. He's hoping they will still get back together, and if somehow that happens, you will be dropped. I wonder if he does love me but is scared to admit it... that he does respect his EX (which isn't a bad sign as it means he is a good person), but also doesn't want to push us forward as he got hurt... he felt betrayed by this person of 8 years when she denied him to move across the world for him. They had a serious relationship working toward marriage so maybe he's wounded ... He is still in love with his ex, and is keeping you at a safe distance so he doesn't get attached to you. As for her decision to not move, I wouldn't say that is a betrayal, because they weren't married. She has no obligation to move with him. The fact that she did not want to move, means they had unresolved issues within the relationship, which were big enough for her to decide to not move. They broke up officially 7 months ago. One year and 7 months... out first year to me really doesn't count as he was confused because of the whole EX drama where he thought they were over and she kept confusing him... after they officially broke up mutually on good terms, we have been together for about 7 months now. He tells me I shouldn't take the break up route again and put him through that (as I guess the first time I told him it was over he ended up ending things with his EX, and we got back together) You are very confusing. You say you guys have been together for 1 year and 7 months, and then contradict that by saying the first year doesn't count. Another big thing is, you guys hooked up as soon as his past relationships dissolved. You got him on the rebound. He went from an eight year relationship to you, without anytime off, no time to heal. He's definitely keeping you at a distance, meanwhile stringing you along. I fear this will not end well for you. My suggestion, if you do have any feelings for him, and respect for yourself, end this relationship. He is being selfish by stringing you along, and he is still in love with his ex. You are being selfish for not letting him resolve his feelings with his ex, and not giving him time to heal. 1
umirano Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 My dilemma is that my current boyfriend doesn't want to tell his ex gf that he has a new gf (me). I ask him why is that, and he claims it's cause he doesn't want to lose her friendship. Awww, how cute. We all know it's not a regular friendship though when you get upset when your "friend" has a new partner. It's very suspicious to me. Either he's not over her or he doesn't see something longterm in you. Put your foot down and demand that he introduces you to her as his GF. If he can't that he's clearly not over her and shouldn't even be in contact with her. And you should take a step back as well.
preraph Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 He's hoping his ex will come back. He doesn't want her to know he's dating because he thinks that might keep her from coming back sometime. It's not good. Most guys LOVE it when their ex finds out they're dating again! And there's a difference between him telling her and him trying to keep her from finding out. He's trying to keep her from finding out. Just not telling her could be a good thing meaning they do not talk...not the case here.
MissBee Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 (edited) Sorry, but it seems like his ex's feelings take precedence over yours. 8 years, engaged, life got in the way, broke up mutually, still friends and doesn't want to tell her that he is with someone new because he doesn't want to lose her friendship??? In reality although it was mutual, she didn't want to move for him, it seems if she had they'd still be together right now, and that in itself says a lot about him most likely still having feelings for her versus if he had broken it off on his own. One can be friendly with an ex, but if it's where you are hiding your relationship from them because you would lose the friendship, that is a HUGE red flag and isn't a normal, platonic friendship. If you are over your ex and they you and you are platonic friends it means they are happy for you if you find someone, they expect you should find someone else and that's life. The only reason to hide your current SO from a recent ex you are friends with is because you want to maintain the image of being single with the hope that you guys can reconcile. There is NO other logical reason why someone would do that. Sorry, but if you don't expect him to be over her, you shouldn't be dating. It is not the norm that you should be dating someone you think isn't over someone else, that's called being a rebound. He may not be ready to date and as it often happens, you may be a rebound space-filler while he's still hiding you and hoping for a reconciliation with her. He is probably scared her knowing about you will make her upset and ruin the chance of a reconciliation, as why else would he care if is "friend" is upset about his new love? And who puts the feelings of their friend over their SO? Don't be blind, read the writings on the wall I'd say. Edited January 12, 2015 by MissBee
thecrucible Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Yeah I would get out before you get more hurt. He definitely still holds a candle to his ex. He is fobbing you off. Have you ever asked him point blank 'are you still into your ex?'... I would chalk this down to experience sadly I met this guy last year who I felt attracted to - then I started communicating with him over Facebook message. We met up once on his invitation and it was a little awkward. One of the topics he brought up during that meeting was his ex and he hinted that they had broken up recently due to living too far apart in their jobs. We talked for a few days after then I came to a forum to ask for advice and decided to pull the plug on our internet conversation. I never heard from him again. It felt mean initially but a couple of months later, Facebook told me he had gotten back with his ex and I liked the status update and that was that. I have no hard feelings and I realise now he was dropping a hint on that night we met to have drinks. I appreciate the fact he had the integrity and decency not to play on me or use me for any of his own gain. I do think this guy is playing with your feelings. I read something once. If a guy is really into you, he'll forget about any feelings for his ex in an instant. I hope things work out for you. I just think you need to protect yourself and really be careful around this guy.
Author Courtney12345 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 Okay everyone, I have read the posts, and should run away... but he claims that I make things complicated and that I am making up all these scenario's and that nothing is going on... Is this girl still obsessed / in love with him... yeah I can tell... she LIKES everything he posts on social media and even comments at times .. he doesn't like much of hers (maybe a link he finds interesting) and that's it. Is he over her? Obviously not... you cannot forget someone just like that , and she was a big part of his life... but like he says he is moving on slowly... He spent the day with me the other day and things went great until I stalked his insta page to find out that this girl commented on a pic posted a few days before (replying to some other person's comment), and she even commented on a recent post she didn't like saying "tisk tisk tisk"... the truth is, he doesn't reply back, and I can't say anything without sounding crazy.. along with the fact that it's social media so I try to put it behind me... WHAT are HER intentions... WHY does she do that if they're over???????? It confuseses me making me believe something is going on behind my back... when he assures me that nothing is going on ... could it just be that this girl is not moving on or not trying to move on? Could it be that they barely talk and she does it for attention?... Maybe that's why he doesn't want to tell her? Because she's still hoping for them and he doesn't want to break her heart even more and is trying to do it when the time is right?... I'm so confused... Regardless of this things... things are great.... We talk everyday... we hand out during our free time, and even when he is busy he'll ask me to come if I can... He's become more affectionate... and things seem perfect... until this girl comments or likes and I'm like WTF should I worry? Or just let social media be?... He knows how much this hurts me, so I don't think he would lie to me and tell me nothing is going on if something were... I just don't believe he would do that because he knows me well enough to know that I won't tolerate it and will be deeply hurt... But I can't stop thinking that maybe there is... and I don't know if that's because I'm still wounded from the 1st heart break, or I am just crazy over reacting and over reading things....
Redhead14 Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 I've been dating a guy for about 1.7 months. Things are great, he treats me great. His family knows, and his close friends know about us. A few of our mutual friends know about us too. We haven't made a public announcement or even put it on social media, so the whole world does not know about us yet. I in general, enjoy taking relationships slow... I want to get to know the person and see if we're compatible, and see where things go. Truth is I didn't feel a lot when I first met this guy, but getting to know him my feelings have become so deep. It scares me that I'm scared to even move forward at times because I fear getting hurt. My dilemma is that my current boyfriend doesn't want to tell his ex gf that he has a new gf (me). I ask him why is that, and he claims it's cause he doesn't want to lose her friendship. They were together for almost 8 years were supposed to get married, life got in the way, she wouldn't re-locate for him, and they mutually broke up on good terms. Does he still care for her? Of course I don't expect him to be completely over her ... 8 years is a long time... I have nothing against him being friends with her, I just become very uncomfortable when he says he won't tell her about us and doesn't know when... I try to remain calm ... however things get to me when this EX constantly likes posts on facebook and instagram ... it's annoying lol... so I confront him nicely about this and tell him why does she do that? is something going on? He claims that I over think things and that they are just FRIENDS. He claims they rarely talk , he doesn't even initiate conversations with her, usually she does to see how he is and ask what is new. He says he is not ready to develop 100% with me... (obviously he has emotional baggage) I try to be patient, things are great, except the telling the EX part... I don't mind taking things slow in a relationship as long as it develops normally, and if we end up together great, if not it wasn't meant to be... But how can i have hope when he doesn't want to tell his ex (yet)? Should I believe him? Should I give it a little more time? 1.7 months? He's not telling everyone yet because he doesn't know yet if you are the one yet. And just because he's not ready to develop 100% yet at this point doesn't mean he has emotional baggage. How would he know if he's ready for that with you yet? He's being smart. AS for not telling his ex, he doesn't have to at this point. Why would he tell her about a possible casual dating scenario that may end up going nowhere fast. You are becoming too invested too soon. You are not in a position to tell him or ask him not to be in touch with his ex or anyone else at this point.
Author Courtney12345 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 You posted it here, which is a public forum, and easily accessible by search engines such as Google. So it's public to the world now. It's simple, he isn't over his ex. He spent eight years with her, and he is still holding on to her. He doesn't want to tell her about you because he doesn't want her to think he has moved on. He's hoping they will still get back together, and if somehow that happens, you will be dropped. He is still in love with his ex, and is keeping you at a safe distance so he doesn't get attached to you. As for her decision to not move, I wouldn't say that is a betrayal, because they weren't married. She has no obligation to move with him. The fact that she did not want to move, means they had unresolved issues within the relationship, which were big enough for her to decide to not move. You are very confusing. You say you guys have been together for 1 year and 7 months, and then contradict that by saying the first year doesn't count. Another big thing is, you guys hooked up as soon as his past relationships dissolved. You got him on the rebound. He went from an eight year relationship to you, without anytime off, no time to heal. He's definitely keeping you at a distance, meanwhile stringing you along. I fear this will not end well for you. My suggestion, if you do have any feelings for him, and respect for yourself, end this relationship. He is being selfish by stringing you along, and he is still in love with his ex. You are being selfish for not letting him resolve his feelings with his ex, and not giving him time to heal. How do I end this relationship? I'm in a lot of pain because I'm confused. We broke up after the 1st year because it wasn't healthy. He spent about 1 month being single and deciding that he wanted me back. He stopped smoking weed and had a lot less on his mind regarding her... I told him I don't want a repeat, it isn't fair to me, and he told me he wouldn't do that to me... that there is no more crying ... he even told me he wanted to move things forward slowly because he did not feel comfortable keeping things hidden from my brother... Then about 2 months after that I was pushing him asking him let's tell my family... and he said no he isn't ready, and I said is it your ex.. and he said part of it but not the reason.. and I said wtf is the reason.. and he turned around and said that he wasn't happy with us and that it didn't feel right... and I seriously turned cold and my heart dropped... where I left for the whole summer because I couldn't handle that comment... I came back and he seemed happier... and said he likes me a lot... and that he enjoys spending time with me but isn't ready to develop the way I want. I kept bringing up the EX, he kept assuring me that He is with me..... he left and went back to her country on vacation (as he is from there too), he claims to only have seen her 4-5 times with there mutual friends, and that he didnt go to her house... (when I asked)... he assures me nothing happened between them as there was no point as shes not coming here... I just don't know what to believe.. I want to believe him.. but everyone says this is not going to end well... I don't know if it will or not... but why me for a 2nd time? Would he really do that to me after he knew how much it hurt me the 1st time? Why date me if you know my feelings, and if its not what you want? why not date some other girl? I've told him this many times... and he says he likes me...
Author Courtney12345 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 1.7 months? He's not telling everyone yet because he doesn't know yet if you are the one yet. And just because he's not ready to develop 100% yet at this point doesn't mean he has emotional baggage. How would he know if he's ready for that with you yet? He's being smart. Thank you for this, I understand that ... and I am okay with that. That is not my concern, my concern is is he being truthful? Or is he hiding things behind my back? I do not mind taking things slow... believe me I prefer that.. which is why I am scared.. because like you said I am investing too soon. I have these feelings suffocating me... and I try to breathe but that I believe that maybe he is cheating on me with his ex? AS for not telling his ex, he doesn't have to at this point. Why would he tell her about a possible casual dating scenario that may end up going nowhere fast. That's true... but why does his EX like every sings post he puts up. And I mean every single one. Why does she comment sometimes? And on post she doesn't like, she puts "tisk tisk tisk"... it make my heart drop and it makes me believe something is going on. He tells me I am being crazy and making up scenarios.... You are becoming too invested too soon. You are not in a position to tell him or ask him not to be in touch with his ex or anyone else at this point. I know, that is why I Never forbade him to not talk to her... he has every right too... but I have every right to know if something is going on behind my back.... it's only fair... I have a question.. and it might be silly... but with all this mentioned, what can I do to relax? What can I do to know if this guy is toying with me or looking for something more? I'm talking the possibility of something more... What are some signs that he does have feelings? I know this question is odd but he is not great at communicating how he feels and I want to know by actions..
Zahara Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 I don't mind taking things slow in a relationship as long as it develops normally, and if we end up together great, if not it wasn't meant to be... You keep saying this but there is a difference between two people coming to the table, emotionally available and ready to walk down that slow path VERSUS taking it slow because one person isn't fully invested and is still attached to an ex. He's still pining for her or in some way hasn't fully detached from her. Whether you're the rebound, or the one that's filling some void or a distraction from what's going on with him -- he's not fully invested in you, at least emotionally and for the right reasons. And the reason he keeps poo pooing your concerns is because it allows him to continue justifying his behavior. Hopefully you'll accept his dismissal of you as you just overreacting and he can go on doing what he wants to do. 1
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