Danda Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Uh Op at your stats you are not fat. If you were 160 lbs at 5'2" then at least I could play a desperate devil's advocate card for him in that he was trying to express a valid concern towards you but did it in a severely clumsy/immature way. But given your stats I can't even play that desperate card. Like point blank he was just being passive-aggressively mean. Even when an SO is gaining excess weight there are still better ways to go about addressing it with them. My first boyfriend was on the heavier side and started gaining more, and I just put an emphasis on health, got him to go for long walks with me and I took over the grocery shopping / meal planning. I didn't start calling him derogatory 'pet names' in the hopes that it would make him feel so bad that he'd eat less. Goodness. 4
preraph Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 The next time you have sex with him, tell him he lost weight in his d*ck. 3
HazyCosmicJive Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 The next time you have sex with him, tell him he lost weight in his d*ck. It's interesting how some women here seem to equate an overweight woman to a man with a small penis. Is being told you're overweight really that humiliating for a woman? I'm surprised by this since losing weight is much easier than making your penis larger (which is, in fact, impossible). Moreover, a man's penis isn't going to change size after a woman starts a relationship with him, so criticizing him about it doesn't even make sense.
toscaroscura Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 All the douchenozzles I have known in my life that would spout these stinging put-downs about their women's bodies disguised as "jokes" always had the tiniest, most beautiful girlfriends. It's insecurity, plain and simple. He figures if she realizes how hot she is, she'll figure out he's not good enough for her. Better take her down a few pegs now and then so she'll stay. 2
HazyCosmicJive Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Its disturbing to me that there are actually a handful of people implying this kind of behavior is ok. Attraction and love are simple. You feel them or you don't. A few extra winter pounds would barely be noticeable to someone who loved you and they certainly wouldn't comment on it. He's a huge douche and if you stay with him it'll only get worse. But a "few extra pounds" is often a "lot of extra pounds." If he noticed it in the photograph with her fully clothed it must have been obvious. I think whether or not he's a "huge douche" depends on his age. If he's early 20s or younger then he's just a typical immature young male. I don't think she's necessarily going to find much better at that age, sadly. She needs to let him know that he hurt her feelings so he can have a chance to change. If she does that and he doesn't get the message, then he's a big douche. But, until then, there's no sense in throwing out the baby with the bathwater.
aggie382 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 He's relaying how he feels and views you under the guise of a "joke" to soften the blow. This way he gets his message across without coming off as an arsehole. Lol but that's precisely how he came across. Anyone with half a brain can tell what's really up here. Lernaean_Hydra's post was perfect. 2
aggie382 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 It's interesting how some women here seem to equate an overweight woman to a man with a small penis. Is being told you're overweight really that humiliating for a woman? Yes, it is. At least it is for me. It's the easiest and quickest way to tell a woman you find her unattractive and make her feel insecure about your feelings for her. Because if you're a man who likes women with meat on their bones, you'd never tell her she's overweight. You'd relish her body and love up on it. 1
USMCHokie Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 My view will probably be in the minority here, but my personal opinion is that those who take offense to things like this (and really offense to any words) are likely to be the ones with low self-esteem. And this is a result of society so focused on improving self-esteem and self-entitlement by prohibiting anything that might "offend" someone. All this creates is a society full of fragile and overly sensitive nits. I mean, seriously, they are words. To allow them to affect you in such an adverse manner implies that you actually believe those words to be true, i.e., your perceived "self-esteem" is merely a facade. I'm glad my SO and I do have the self-esteem to be able to joke with each other about things like fatness while truly knowing we are doing just fine. One more cinnamon roll? "One, tubby tubby...two, tubby tubby..." So given your height and weight, you don't appear to be particularly hefty. If it bothers you, then you should address it with your boyfriend. However, it isn't because you're fat that it bothers you, it's because you are sensitive to words. Two different things.
preraph Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 It's interesting how some women here seem to equate an overweight woman to a man with a small penis. Is being told you're overweight really that humiliating for a woman? I'm surprised by this since losing weight is much easier than making your penis larger (which is, in fact, impossible). Moreover, a man's penis isn't going to change size after a woman starts a relationship with him, so criticizing him about it doesn't even make sense. No, it's not that much easier. Some women are not born to be thin, and that's the reality of it. In fact, most women will not remain thin after a certain age. Men who get snotty about it are being very disrespectful and hurtful and deserve any snide comment that gets thrown back at them. 2
aggie382 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 My view will probably be in the minority here, but my personal opinion is that those who take offense to things like this (and really offense to any words) are likely to be the ones with low self-esteem. ---- However, it isn't because you're fat that it bothers you, it's because you are sensitive to words. Two different things. This makes absolutely no sense. People communicate with words. They communicate their thoughts, their feelings, and show an intent. Being told I'm fat by my BF wouldn't hurt me because I'm insecure. I'm not sensitive to words either. That's not the case at all. It would hurt me because his words tell me everything I need to know. They tell me that my BF is rude, passive-aggressive, and doesn't care about my feelings and has no tact.
HazyCosmicJive Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 No, it's not that much easier. Some women are not born to be thin, and that's the reality of it. In fact, most women will not remain thin after a certain age. Men who get snotty about it are being very disrespectful and hurtful and deserve any snide comment that gets thrown back at them. So you're advising her to be a jerk to him because he was a jerk to her? I think that's childish. His comment was rude, but I think she should give him a chance to make good. Guys say things like this to each other all the time and it's no big deal. Maybe he's too young and immature to realize that women are much more sensitive.
HazyCosmicJive Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Yes, it is. At least it is for me. It's the easiest and quickest way to tell a woman you find her unattractive and make her feel insecure about your feelings for her. Because if you're a man who likes women with meat on their bones, you'd never tell her she's overweight. You'd relish her body and love up on it. Okay, but is it really a good idea for her to get snotty with him in return? She should just break up with him if she's not going to try to make him understand his comment was wrong.
USMCHokie Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 This makes absolutely no sense. People communicate with words. They communicate their thoughts, their feelings, and show an intent. Being told I'm fat by my BF wouldn't hurt me because I'm insecure. I'm not sensitive to words either. That's not the case at all. It would hurt me because his words tell me everything I need to know. They tell me that my BF is rude, passive-aggressive, and doesn't care about my feelings and has no tact. Just my perspective based on my views of an overly sensitive society. Not an absolute truth, but limited to my own context. I know my SO is not fat. She knows she's not fat. I know I'm not fat, and she knows I'm not fat. So with that mutual understanding, it's fair game. I do agree that if either of us were overweight, then the words may be more than in jest. And you're right, it reflects poor tact and poor situational awareness. But I still stand by my point that if you are truly offended by the words, then you likely believe them to be true. 2
Gaeta Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 He came up with that comment by looking at pictures of you in your snow-pants playing in the snow?? Anyone would look fat in snow-pants!!! OP at 5'3'' and 117-lbs you are underweight. This is craziness. You are young, you won't always stay at 117lbs. If his happiness revolves around your skinniness I hope you will think twice about it. 2
aggie382 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Just my perspective based on my views of an overly sensitive society. Not an absolute truth, but limited to my own context. I know my SO is not fat. She knows she's not fat. I know I'm not fat, and she knows I'm not fat. So with that mutual understanding, it's fair game. The difference here is you're not outright telling your SO that she's gained weight in her lower body parts. It's one thing to jokingly say 'tubby tubby' to each other when gorging on a fattening food, and quite another to point out an area of your SO's body that you think is now fat, and then call her fat.
aggie382 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Okay, but is it really a good idea for her to get snotty with him in return? She should just break up with him if she's not going to try to make him understand his comment was wrong. I didn't see the OP getting snotty with him. So I don't know what you're referring to. 1
USMCHokie Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 The difference here is you're not outright telling your SO that she's gained weight in her lower body parts. It's one thing to jokingly say 'tubby tubby' to each other when gorging on a fattening food, and quite another to point out an area of your SO's body that you think is now fat, and then call her fat. Good point. I'll leave this alone now.
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 There are better ways to do this. He could invite her to do things together that are physically active such as skating or going for a walk. That way she'll be happy because they're spending time together and he'll be happy because she's losing weight. . Except … she CAN'T be fat if she's 5"3 and 117 pounds. She should have activities with him to make him happy and lose weight when she is already quite thin? Also a girl who carries weight on her lower body and is skinny on top will usually just keep losing weight on the top if she gets thinner and thinner, ending up looking really poor. 1
regine_phalange Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 When someone starts finding faults on my appearance I take notice that things arent that good between us. It has happened to me in the past. Reality hit and it was time to step out of the door. In the first case, after some months the boyfriend started commenting on my imperfections that were there since he met me. And in the second case a boyfriend thought I gained weight even though I weighed the same. 3
aggie382 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 When someone starts finding faults on my appearance I take notice that things arent that good between us. It has happened to me in the past. Reality hit and it was time to step out of the door. In the first case, after some months the boyfriend started commenting on my imperfections that were there since he met me. And in the second case a boyfriend thought I gained weight even though I weighed the same. I experienced the same thing. With one BF I actually went down a pantsize and he told me I'd become chubby. 1
preraph Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 So you're advising her to be a jerk to him because he was a jerk to her? I think that's childish. His comment was rude, but I think she should give him a chance to make good. Guys say things like this to each other all the time and it's no big deal. Maybe he's too young and immature to realize that women are much more sensitive. Yes, I'm advising to give back as good as she got. 1
ascendotum Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 (edited) Hes being a passive aggressive turd monger...that was offensive its winter FFS people also wear heavier bulkier clothing especially in snow! the way he "joked with you" was disrespectful and belittling your not fat at 117 pounds even at 5ft3..he sounds like a jerk you can do better.. Everyone is running with her thread title and is saying he said she was fat. No he said it looked like she had gained weight. I don't know how long she was away on vacation for but yes people can tend to put on weight then + thicker clothing can emphasis it. I'm sure he could well realize that but it also doesn't mean its not a valid observation or something you cant notice or ever mention. A person who works out and stays in shape will tend to notice. For an insecure person though, no you are not supposed to notice or say anything. Look I do realize there is a difference between a bit of give and take and being a body nazi with your gf. When he signed off 'goodnight my little fat girl' I'm sure he was just teasing her, after they had already chatted about the pic and he said he still would love her if she gained way more. Seems like he knows now he can't even make light of it or even mention her weight. I certainly don't think its a dumpable offense -its a one off and he has not outright disrespected her (though not in her mind). Edited January 12, 2015 by ascendotum
TigerLilly78 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 End of the day to those saying its acceptable its clearly not the OP came here for a reason and it wasn't cause her BFs comments made her feel good. point blank there is a way to express things with out being hurtful and mean the ops BF didn't cause he had no consideration for her simple as that. So I guess any abused women should just shut up and take it or they are a whiner? if some have such a good rapaore with their significant other that they can joke in this manner great but thats a rare situation and this isn't it.. I can see the OP taking that kind of advice to heart as she already wants to believe her BF is right and developing a eating disorder. I always find it amazing when everyone is so quick to comment on the "health concerns" of over weight people yet ignore them when it comes to those who are clearly healthy weight when in the fact they don't need to lose anymore weight..
TigerLilly78 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Everyone is running with her thread title and is saying he said she was fat. No he said it looked like she had gained weight. I don't know how long she was away on vacation for but yes people can tend to put on weight then + thicker clothing can emphasis it. I'm sure he could well realize that but it also doesn't mean its not a valid observation or something you cant notice or ever mention. A person who works out and stays in shape will tend to notice. For an insecure person though, no you are not supposed to notice or say anything. Look I do realize there is a difference between a bit of give and take and being a body nazi with your gf. When he signed off 'goodnight my little fat girl' I'm sure he was just teasing her, after they had already chatted about the pic and he said he still would love her if she gained way more. Seems like he knows now he can't even make light of it or even mention her weight. I certainly don't think its a dumpable offense -its a one off and he has not outright disrespected her (though not in her mind). Did that comment make the OP laugh? hey OP did you laugh did it make you giggle? he called her fat plan and simple..shes 117 pounds and 5ft4 if anything ide think shes close to being underweight..
ascendotum Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Did that comment make the OP laugh? hey OP did you laugh did it make you giggle? he called her fat plan and simple..shes 117 pounds and 5ft4 if anything ide think shes close to being underweight.. No it didn't make her laugh but until you tease someone and they show they are stroppy over it you wont know they are super sensitive about it. He teased her, because it came after he already told her he loved her and would still love her even if she piled on a lot more + as you point out she not overweight hence the tease aspect. Jeez I could of dumped 3/4 of my gf for mentioning my weight or teasing me about it. She needs to take this in her stride and only get really annoyed if he treats her less special or makes snide remarks on an going basis.
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