adilaurentis Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Got together with a guy I'm in a casual relationship with the other day and we stayed in bed until almost midnight. Before this we'd had sex about twice and although I always kinda liked him, he didn't reciprocate the feelings much. Obviously he wants to feel a romantic connection with me but just doesn't. We've hung out together before and I can notice that he'd get this distant/distracted look/vibe after a while. I've come to accept that the feelings were one sided and I think he's also worried about hurting me or leading me on too much. However, I must say that this time when we got together he acted a little bit differently. He was more engaged and acted more interested. I know he always tries to be polite and nice but I think I've known/seen him long enough to notice the difference between his politeness and more true interest. Of course I'm not trying to fool myself by picking up "positive signs" but just saying... When we were in bed he mentioned that I was welcome to stay over for the night if I want. Being a tough ass and also not wanting to appear too cheap/eager and such, I said maybe that'd be kind of crossing the "boundaries" of what we're doing here (as in not a committed relationship). He said sure if that's part of where I want to set the boundaries for this then fine. In the end when I was getting dressed, he asked if I was really okay driving back then. I wasn't sure if he was just joking or not, and again, not wanting to appear desperate or eager, I said (without thinking much), "haha yeah I'll be fine." I didn't think of it much afterwards but it just hit me: was he dropping a hint that I failed to pick up there? We had an amazing evening (more so than in the past) and my gut feelings told me he really might have felt a bit different this time. The entire time he was more relaxed, loving, affectionate, and engaged. Maybe he was just getting more comfortable around me, yet still, it was our best experience together so far. Again, not trying to fool myself but I just don't want to "lose" him by giving out a false tough or distant act like I'm not interested in him. But I also wonder if he's truly interested now, I think he'd definitely pursue this more or show it in some ways too.
PogoStick Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Take it at face value. It could have meant more but you can't assume that. You should consider him uninterested until he says otherwise. Maybe he was just being polite in not making you drive home late at night. 1
Danda Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 If he is interested in more than casual sex, then he needs to come right out and say it. It's not your responsibility to read his mind, and in my opinion it's unwise to put that upon yourself. Of course one can't help but wonder about something when they do (wonder, that is), but it's best to try to wave the thoughts away. If someone has a FWB situation and wants more out of it, dropping hints is not the way to go. I also get the impression that you've been trying to mind-read him from the start and making several assumptions. First all cynical and now going the other way into optimism. I agree with PogoStick, just take everything at face value at all times in a FWB sorta deal.
michellew Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Were you drinking? If so, maybe be just wanted you to be safe.
newlyborn Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 (edited) you should have stayed over. this was not about being tough. it was about allowing him to show basic respect for you, and you showing the same for yourself. what woman drives to someone's house, has sex with them twice, then gets out of the bed and drives home alone in the middle of the night? i remember an ex-bf who would try to get up and have coffee or a light breakfast with me after sleepovers. but, because i had an earlier work day than him, i stopped allowing him to get up and would just kiss him while he slept and left on my own. and i realized later that not letting him show me basic, conventional courtesy was sending the wrong message (to him and to me) about my worth. if this ever comes up again with anyone, take the option that shows the most consideration for you. not for them, but for you. besides, men are always more attracted to women who like themselves and treat themselves better than the man they are with. Edited January 11, 2015 by newlyborn 2
Author adilaurentis Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 I guess I can see the point. I just thought I was showing myself respect by not sleeping over with someone who's not my boyfriend, especially if he's not that into me. If this setup is sex only, then why drag all the sleepwear, toothbrush, and breakfast type of things into it? I also feel like if he wants someone who actually sleeps over, then take this relationship to the next step or go actually find a girlfriend...
newlyborn Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I guess I can see the point. I just thought I was showing myself respect by not sleeping over with someone who's not my boyfriend, especially if he's not that into me. If this setup is sex only, then why drag all the sleepwear, toothbrush, and breakfast type of things into it? I also feel like if he wants someone who actually sleeps over, then take this relationship to the next step or go actually find a girlfriend... i hear you. and you're right. next time do what is easiest, most convenient, and most considerate of you. besides, if you accept his warm, polite gestures willingly, more might follow...
Author adilaurentis Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 Thank you. That sure is a considerate thought and honestly I'm not experienced with this kind of set up at all. I agree that in some sense going over to have sex and then leaving right after that makes me feel cheap. So maybe he was trying to be a "good guy" and show some courteousness. Eh, I guess in some ways I feel like I've messed up here but why worry about it so much if he has no interest in pursuing this further anyway... He keeps talking about how for him it's hard to separate sex from emotional connections, which I do believe to some degree knowing how sensitive and emotional he is, but obviously he can do this with me without getting emotions involved so wtf...
Redhead14 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Got together with a guy I'm in a casual relationship with the other day and we stayed in bed until almost midnight. Before this we'd had sex about twice and although I always kinda liked him, he didn't reciprocate the feelings much. Obviously he wants to feel a romantic connection with me but just doesn't. We've hung out together before and I can notice that he'd get this distant/distracted look/vibe after a while. I've come to accept that the feelings were one sided and I think he's also worried about hurting me or leading me on too much. However, I must say that this time when we got together he acted a little bit differently. He was more engaged and acted more interested. I know he always tries to be polite and nice but I think I've known/seen him long enough to notice the difference between his politeness and more true interest. Of course I'm not trying to fool myself by picking up "positive signs" but just saying... When we were in bed he mentioned that I was welcome to stay over for the night if I want. Being a tough ass and also not wanting to appear too cheap/eager and such, I said maybe that'd be kind of crossing the "boundaries" of what we're doing here (as in not a committed relationship). He said sure if that's part of where I want to set the boundaries for this then fine. In the end when I was getting dressed, he asked if I was really okay driving back then. I wasn't sure if he was just joking or not, and again, not wanting to appear desperate or eager, I said (without thinking much), "haha yeah I'll be fine." I didn't think of it much afterwards but it just hit me: was he dropping a hint that I failed to pick up there? We had an amazing evening (more so than in the past) and my gut feelings told me he really might have felt a bit different this time. The entire time he was more relaxed, loving, affectionate, and engaged. Maybe he was just getting more comfortable around me, yet still, it was our best experience together so far. Again, not trying to fool myself but I just don't want to "lose" him by giving out a false tough or distant act like I'm not interested in him. But I also wonder if he's truly interested now, I think he'd definitely pursue this more or show it in some ways too. Have you two had a discussion about what each of you is looking for in the long run? It's very early apparently in your dating with him and you said it's casual. You two are having sex, it's not too soon to clarify what's going on here. He may have wanted you to stay over and it appears he did. You leaving because you didn't want to cheap/eager was putting the cart before the horse. You were in bed with him! I'm not saying there was anything wrong with that, but it would have been less cheap/eager if you stayed. He was treating you with respect because it was late and didn't want you to drive home. There is nothing you said above to demonstrate your statement that he obviously wants to feel a romantic connection with you especially since you said after that that he'd get this distant/distracted look/vibe after a while when hanging out with you. This is "casual relationship" behavior Period. If you want a relationship, you need let him know you are intereted in a relationship with him now. But, for now you need to hit the reset button because you are questioning his interest in you. Step back a little, let him initiate. Pay attention to how consistent he is with it now. Let him contact you first and then reciprocate in a balanced way. In addition, when you do get together, don't give the opportunity for sex to happen. Don't go back to his place or yours, make some excuse but just back off of that. Don't tell him that specifically, because he may feel that you are using sex as a weapon or tool of manipulation now to get what you want. If after a month or so, he has been keeping in touch with you and scheduling dates and you want to be intimate again, you need to open a casual discussion about what you want for yourself in general, don't be specific about him at that point, just a statement. Then see what he says. If he says he doesn't know yet at that point, it's OK, he probably doesn't really know if he wants a relationship with you yet. It's early and it's been casual. If he doesn't respond then at all, don't pressure him for a response right then and there either. He'll be a little off balance when you do that, so give him some time to respond and just continue dating him and see where he takes it and how he treats you. Sometimes they won't give a specific answer, but if they care about you they will start upping their investment and you'll know it. 1
Author adilaurentis Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 Thank you. I honestly don't think he's that much into me so I don't feel like devoting too much energy into worrying about the whole situation. I need to keep my options open. He says he feels like we connect really well on an emotional level, and there are no red flags for him at all, but he's just not overly attracted to me for some reason so he's still not interested in a relationship with me. I guess "not overly attracted" is better than "not attracted at all" haha. I honestly don't know what it is that I'm not "doing" for him but I guess it's one of those things where sparks/chemistry is hard to explain. He also said that part of him did want me to stay over that night and part of him didn't. The part that did want me to stay was his brain and his desire for human connection, which I couldn't quite understand. If he wants closeness and such by letting me stay, while at the same time not that much into me, isn't that a strange paradox?
Redhead14 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Thank you. I honestly don't think he's that much into me so I don't feel like devoting too much energy into worrying about the whole situation. I need to keep my options open. He says he feels like we connect really well on an emotional level, and there are no red flags for him at all, but he's just not overly attracted to me for some reason so he's still not interested in a relationship with me. I guess "not overly attracted" is better than "not attracted at all" haha. I honestly don't know what it is that I'm not "doing" for him but I guess it's one of those things where sparks/chemistry is hard to explain. He also said that part of him did want me to stay over that night and part of him didn't. The part that did want me to stay was his brain and his desire for human connection, which I couldn't quite understand. If he wants closeness and such by letting me stay, while at the same time not that much into me, isn't that a strange paradox? Yes, keep your options open, date others. Let this one sit and if he's contacting you and you like him enough, respond in kind and in a balanced way. It may just be developing slowly, which isn't a bad thing. It is not a strange paradox for a man to want closeness which not being that much into you. In a casual relationship, usually, neither one is too invested especially early on. They shouldn't even be too invested at that point. However, it is wise not to get into a sexual relationship with someone if you are wanting a relationship in the long run without a discussion about what each of you wants. What also happens sometimes when the relationship is casual and sex is involved, is that one of the parties decides they do want a relationship when they previously thought they wouldn't want that.
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