How to date your ex...or should you

[hopelessromantic89]

My ex and I had a mutual break up a month ago, we were arguing a bit. We were becoming very dependent on each other and not having separate lives was making us both unhappy. It was devastating for both of us. We didn't talk for the first 10 days. I then went on vacation and that's when he began to initiate contact. At first it was very friendly, but then it started getting more emotional. He began saying how he was upset because it seemed like I wasn't hurt and was having the time of my life. Though I had felt the same about him, I didn't say it.

 

Part of my vacation was spent in Vegas, which is where he had his biggest freakout. It was also his birthday, which didn't go so well from what he said. He just really jealous, saying that I shouldn't be in Vegas, accusing me of sleeping with people, acting like I don't care, etc. He apologizes, says it's just been really hard on him and he misses me.

 

One week ago I come back home. He and I are still talking, it's all very nice. But, I begin feeling like I don't know if I can do this. Pretend to be friends with him. So I text him telling him this, that I love him and it will be so hard to let go of him, but it's hard to move on when I am still holding on. He at first doesn't understand and gets very upset with me, telling me that I "just don't get it" and ignores me. The next morning I awake to a really long text saying that it's not what he wants but he will respect it. We exchange long texts throughout the day, how we will miss each other, we love each other, etc. He apologizes for everything that he has done "wrong" in the relationship, which he had never done before. He used to blame me a lot for most things. Then he asks if he can stop by for a bit, take our dog to the park and part ways. Although hesitant, I agree because I still love him. We end up talking for hours, kissing, crying, holding each other. He says he does not want to stop talking. He tells me he wants to end up with me for life. But we both know we cannot be together right now, it just hasn't been long enough for us to develop and create a healthy relationship. We need to create our own lives, separate from each other. So, after talking we head back and have sex, a lot. It was passionate, better than ever. He spends the night, and we spend most of the day together. We get dinner again the next day.

 

We agreed that we will focus on ourselves and our own development. We will only see each other every 2 weeks (my idea...to keep us from falling into the same pattern) still talk everyday, and not see other people. For now. Can this work? Is it possible to change a relationship of 2 years? Our love and attraction is very strong, stronger than I have had with any other man. The thought of losing him is devastating, yet I need to find happiness within myself. Thoughts?

Edited January 11, 2015 by hopelessromantic89

[Satu]

Too much bad stuff, not enough good stuff.

[elaine567]

I need to find happiness within myself.

 

This is what you need to concentrate on, and try and discount the emotion, the love, the upset, the physical attraction, the walking the dog in the park. Stuff all designed to tug at the heartstrings and to ignore the issues in your relationship.

 

You have to consider the real reasons you split up and has anything really changed?

[Light Breeze]

OP,

 

Read this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/494306-day-one.

 

If you and you ex have the dedication and willingness to work on your problems like the Member and his wife in the above thread then go on.

[hopelessromantic89]

Maybe I just posted the bad? We had a wonderful relationship, similar morals, ambitions, etc.

 

He got upset last night because he took one of my texts "rudely." Normally I would have gotten mad right back at him..but trying to not let him get me down. Emotions are high at this time. We agreed that he would try to not take things to personally, and I would try to communicate better through text. I admit I can come off a bit cold sometimes.

 

It's hard not seeing him everyday, though I know it is for the best. I am excited to hear about his changes he is making. As well as excited for myself. I got a few books, also have been in therapy for about 3 months or so. It will be a long road, but I am finally willing to go down it.

[Light Breeze]

Have you read the thread I linked? It's really inspiring and you can get pointers.

 

I quite have a different view on this plan of yours, but, it seems you already made up your mind. Good Luck OP I hope this works out for you because it's nice seeing genuine second chances come into fruition.

[hopelessromantic89]

Have you read the thread I linked? It's really inspiring and you can get pointers.

 

I quite have a different view on this plan of yours, but, it seems you already made up your mind. Good Luck OP I hope this works out for you because it's nice seeing genuine second chances come into fruition.

 

I read the entire thing today. It was extremely insightful, thank you for sending the link. It's extremely tough getting out of a habit that is so engrained...

 

I was at a current state of weakness (intoxication) where I somewhat freaked out because I wasn't getting the attention I wanted. It's hard for me, I don't like complicated situations or the future being hazy. Though he has been very supportive with my growth, and that's the most important thing right now. It's still difficult to not rely on him, because I've been doing it for so long now. I have a long road ahead of me...I need to stay strong and focused.

[Light Breeze]

Good Luck!

 

Day.one and his separated wife seems to be going down the road of successful reconciliation because BOTH accepted that they have individual issues and were willing to work on it. Though, reconciliation was in the back of their minds, it wasn't really their focus, it was healing and making themselves complete. Plus, a lot of setting boundaries.

 

OP, a question for you, is your ex also willing and dedicated to fix his issues? Because this is the only way I think it's going to work.

[hopelessromantic89]

Good Luck!

 

Day.one and his separated wife seems to be going down the road of successful reconciliation because BOTH accepted that they have individual issues and were willing to work on it. Though, reconciliation was in the back of their minds, it wasn't really their focus, it was healing and making themselves complete. Plus, a lot of setting boundaries.

 

OP, a question for you, is your ex also willing and dedicated to fix his issues? Because this is the only way I think it's going to work.

 

Definitely, this was the main reason for the split. We both knew there were things we needed to work on to become better people. He has been working hard as well, creating a life that makes him happy. And working on issues to make him a better man. Recently he had apologized for his shortcomings in the relationship. Which is a huge step because he used to blame me for everything, which was frustrating and overwhelming for me.

 

He just asked me to dinner, reason being "Sometimes you may not feel that you're loved and I want to know that you are." He is already sounding like a different person. And I had apologized completely for what I had done today. I know I was backpedaling into my old behaviors, I am glad that I am able to catch myself before spiraling out of control.

[hopelessromantic89]

Having a hard time and decided to write about it here.

 

My ex and I have been seeing each other for the past few months now. I have been working on my codependency issues with my therapist and have really been turning my life around. Most of the time I feel great, and excited about the future. However, I just cannot seem to get past my trust issues. I doubt a lot of things in our relationship, though I keep them mostly to myself. When I do voice them, he gets very frustrated (understandably so). He has said that maybe we shouldn't talk anymore if I have these doubts, but he still hasn't given up. I have been abandoned by everyone I have loved like my parents, and still have not worked through these. I know this is partly why trusting that someone does love me and won't leave is so hard. The thing is, I just cannot seem to work through it. I make up scenarios in my head that if he had the opportunity to cheat he would take it, because in my mind all men would. He has never cheated on me. I want him to do all the "extra" things. For example, he is on a trip to Seattle right now. Sometimes I want him to call me just to talk, which he used to do. Now it seems like I am doing most of the calling. We have a wonderful time when we are together. But I have these thoughts in my head like...is he not calling me because he's with someone? He wants us to exclusively see each other, but I can't stop thinking about it. I need some help and support. Should relationships be so hard? Sometimes I feel I am more into it than he is, but that could also be my insecurities talking.

[Nolan 93]

Having a hard time and decided to write about it here.

 

My ex and I have been seeing each other for the past few months now. I have been working on my codependency issues with my therapist and have really been turning my life around. Most of the time I feel great, and excited about the future. However, I just cannot seem to get past my trust issues. I doubt a lot of things in our relationship, though I keep them mostly to myself. When I do voice them, he gets very frustrated (understandably so). He has said that maybe we shouldn't talk anymore if I have these doubts, but he still hasn't given up. I have been abandoned by everyone I have loved like my parents, and still have not worked through these. I know this is partly why trusting that someone does love me and won't leave is so hard. The thing is, I just cannot seem to work through it. I make up scenarios in my head that if he had the opportunity to cheat he would take it, because in my mind all men would. He has never cheated on me. I want him to do all the "extra" things. For example, he is on a trip to Seattle right now. Sometimes I want him to call me just to talk, which he used to do. Now it seems like I am doing most of the calling. We have a wonderful time when we are together. But I have these thoughts in my head like...is he not calling me because he's with someone? He wants us to exclusively see each other, but I can't stop thinking about it. I need some help and support. Should relationships be so hard? Sometimes I feel I am more into it than he is, but that could also be my insecurities talking.

,

Don't be afraid to communicate with your partner, it is important in a healthy relationship. I think maybe you both need to be separated for a while to both grow. If you fee like your insecurities are getting the best of you then that could eventually make you believe something that could or could not be real. It takes two for a relationship, you both need to set up guide lines on how to repair the relationship.

 

I've noticed when someone says maybe we shouldn't talk any more, they aren't really fully invested in the relationship. That should never be brought up until there is a definite reason.

[Ruby65]

OP, what is your therapist advising you about this relationship?

 

I don't think anything you're describing is that unusual for a long-term couple, unless I missed some big problem areas in your post.

 

To make a go of it long-term, there needs to be continued individual growth and forward movement as a couple. This is a life long process. You don't reach a point where you have all your *stuff* worked out, we all continue to grow all our lives, together and separately.

 

It sounds like you're aware of problem areas between you and are working on them. This is all good!

 

If the love and attraction is still there and you both have a desire to work through things and stay together, I'm having a hard time understanding your dissatisfaction?

 

About the trust issue.... I saw somewhere -- maybe on Dr. Phil, hahah! -- that our ability to trust is directly linked to our confidence in our own ability to handle it if the person we love betrays that trust. In other words, what if the worst happened and your ex DID cheat on your? Play it out.... with the tools you have available now as a competent adult, not the ones you had as a child when your parents weren't there for you. I think you'd be surprised that you're actually much stronger and more resilient than you're giving yourself credit for.

[KBarletta]

We have a wonderful time when we are together. But I have these thoughts in my head like...is he not calling me because he's with someone? He wants us to exclusively see each other, but I can't stop thinking about it. I need some help and support. Should relationships be so hard? Sometimes I feel I am more into it than he is, but that could also be my insecurities talking.

 

You spoke in your initial post about the need for you two to have separate lives. If you are going to do that, you need to allow for him to be away without having these thoughts. That may be something you can solve through therapy, but if you hang on to these insecurities, it's going to push him away and hurt you in this relationship and every one that comes after it.

[hopelessromantic89]

OP, what is your therapist advising you about this relationship?

 

I don't think anything you're describing is that unusual for a long-term couple, unless I missed some big problem areas in your post.

 

To make a go of it long-term, there needs to be continued individual growth and forward movement as a couple. This is a life long process. You don't reach a point where you have all your *stuff* worked out, we all continue to grow all our lives, together and separately.

 

It sounds like you're aware of problem areas between you and are working on them. This is all good!

 

If the love and attraction is still there and you both have a desire to work through things and stay together, I'm having a hard time understanding your dissatisfaction?

 

About the trust issue.... I saw somewhere -- maybe on Dr. Phil, hahah! -- that our ability to trust is directly linked to our confidence in our own ability to handle it if the person we love betrays that trust. In other words, what if the worst happened and your ex DID cheat on your? Play it out.... with the tools you have available now as a competent adult, not the ones you had as a child when your parents weren't there for you. I think you'd be surprised that you're actually much stronger and more resilient than you're giving yourself credit for.

 

Thank you for your post, it really helped! It seems as though it has been getting better. We used to literally spend every free hour of every day together, and maybe now that we are also creating our own lives separately I fear that maybe we are falling out or something. But, I need to change that view and instead look at it as developing a healthy relationship. Which I have never had before. It takes some getting used to, but I am excited for the future. Whether we work out together or not. This has been such a great experience learning to grow.

 

My therapist believes this is a great relationship for me and that I should use the relationship as a tool to help me through some of the issues that have haunted me throughout my life. Especially since we can't seem to leave each other alone, and that he is also willing to put in work for the relationship as well as grow as an individual could be beneficial to both of us.

 

The biggest problem is overcoming my neediness. That if he isn't always there or texting me constantly, doesn't mean that he doesn't love me or is cheating on me. It has gotten much better as I have begun learning to love myself.

[hopelessromantic89]

You spoke in your initial post about the need for you two to have separate lives. If you are going to do that, you need to allow for him to be away without having these thoughts. That may be something you can solve through therapy, but if you hang on to these insecurities, it's going to push him away and hurt you in this relationship and every one that comes after it.

 

Exactly. I know this is a process, it's hard to get of old habits. I think it's time to let us both be happy. Especially myself.

[Ruby65]

My therapist believes this is a great relationship for me and that I should use the relationship as a tool to help me through some of the issues that have haunted me throughout my life.

 

I'd listen to your therapist on this. I really don't see any big problems between you as you describe it.

 

I personally would use some caution when *using the relationship as a tool*, though. You're going to have your issues and your boyfriend is going to have his issues.... but for staying together long-term, try and protect *the relationship* from every bump and wave in the ocean. It's not REALLY your boyfriend's job to resolve all your childhood issues -- that's on YOU.

 

A relationship is meant to be a safe haven for you both.

[hopelessromantic89]

I'd listen to your therapist on this. I really don't see any big problems between you as you describe it.

 

I personally would use some caution when *using the relationship as a tool*, though. You're going to have your issues and your boyfriend is going to have his issues.... but for staying together long-term, try and protect *the relationship* from every bump and wave in the ocean. It's not REALLY your boyfriend's job to resolve all your childhood issues -- that's on YOU.

 

A relationship is meant to be a safe haven for you both.

 

Yes of course, maybe I worded incorrectly. It's definitely not his job at all. But I am learning a lot about myself in this relationship such as how to deal with problems appropriately and communicating my feelings. I tend to give up pretty easily when things get tough but I am not willing to do that with him. Thanks for your responses by the way, it's nice to get feedback from another outside perspective.

 

Learning to trust again is my biggest obstacle, along with not needing so much attention. I let things get to me so much that I stop focusing on whats important such as school/work. I am also a recovering addict which I am sure has something to do with why I behave the way I do in relationships.

[Ruby65]

Yeah, especially in recovery - beware of an addiction to drama and conflict.

[hopelessromantic89]

Posting on here because it is 4 AM and I kind of need to write this out. My ex and I had a pretty big right. I stumbled on an Instagram account and saw a pic of him with two other girls which he was tagged it but he removed from his profile. I confronted him about it and he got extremely upset saying that he is tired of my jealousy issues and that I doubt the relationship constantly. I will admit I used to do that several times a week, but I haven't for a few weeks now.

 

I feel like he completely turned it onto me, saying he did that because he didn't want to get into a fight and that he knew I would get jealous. The thing is that I know I wouldn't have. I also feel hurt because he kept that from me. When we fight he doesn't at all want to fix it. He constantly blames me for everything and doesn't see how he contributes to the troubles in our relationship. I don't know what to do anymore, and I find myself asking "is it worth it?" a lot. He says I keep wasting his time by fighting, but it's because I don't feel like I can communicate my needs to him in a way that he actually listens.

 

Trying to focus on myself, but I am starting to question whether or not this is beneficial anymore. When do you know it's time to just let go? It seems more stressful than anything else.

[Ruby65]

I feel like he completely turned it onto me, saying he did that because he didn't want to get into a fight and that he knew I would get jealous. The thing is that I know I wouldn't have.

 

Pictures of him with other girls: red flag.

 

Hiding it from you: big red flag.

 

BLAMING YOU for it: huge massive red flag.

 

Cheaters have two lines of defense: DENY anything happened, and then to BLAME YOU for being jealous if they're faced with evidence they can't deny.

 

I don't know if he's cheating. I do know that the resistance to communicate is a red flag and that he's accused you of cheating as well, which is another indication of where his head is at.

 

You seem to have a pattern in this relationship of neediness, insecurity and distrust. You blame this on your childhood trust issues. Do you think the neediness is in response to his withdrawing and creating distance?

 

Do you think the insecurity and distrust is because of his behavior with other women?

 

Relationship/life issues are one thing.... inappropriate conduct with other women is quite another.

[hopelessromantic89]

Pictures of him with other girls: red flag.

 

Hiding it from you: big red flag.

 

BLAMING YOU for it: huge massive red flag.

 

Cheaters have two lines of defense: DENY anything happened, and then to BLAME YOU for being jealous if they're faced with evidence they can't deny.

 

I don't know if he's cheating. I do know that the resistance to communicate is a red flag and that he's accused you of cheating as well, which is another indication of where his head is at.

 

You seem to have a pattern in this relationship of neediness, insecurity and distrust. You blame this on your childhood trust issues. Do you think the neediness is in response to his withdrawing and creating distance?

 

Do you think the insecurity and distrust is because of his behavior with other women?

 

Relationship/life issues are one thing.... inappropriate conduct with other women is quite another.

 

I know the girl has a boyfriend, and I do get extremely jealous A LOT. But at the same time how can I work on that if he just keeps assuming I am going to be like that (if his reasoning is actually true). The neediness is definitely due to us having more space. We had lived together previously so it's hard getting used to the "lack" of attention.

 

Unfortunately, I have also cheated on him in the past. Which he knows about. This plays a role in my distrust too, being the cheater and thinking that since I've done it why wouldn't he do it?

 

This is exhausting.

[Light Breeze]

Unfortunately, I have also cheated on him in the past. Which he knows about. This plays a role in my distrust too, being the cheater and thinking that since I've done it why wouldn't he do it?

 

This is exhausting.

 

Are you really set with this course of action? Because it sounds to me that your relationship right now is becoming too toxic.

 

Anyway, how's working on yourselves doing for both of you? Notice any improvements?

 

Also, are you currently in Individual counseling or couple's counseling?

[hopelessromantic89]

Are you really set with this course of action? Because it sounds to me that your relationship right now is becoming too toxic.

 

Anyway, how's working on yourselves doing for both of you? Notice any improvements?

 

Also, are you currently in Individual counseling or couple's counseling?

 

We are both definitely improving mentally, physically, and emotionally. I have been in therapy for around 6 months now, he has not had any counseling. He wants to but just doesn't have the money right now (still unemployed).

 

He has never done anything to hurt me like cheating, well besides hiding small things in the past. It's extremely difficult for me to trust anybody really. I am constantly questioning and wanting reassurance. Something I need to quit right now. So, I really want to believe his reasoning for keeping this from me. But, it's triggering a whole bunch of other thoughts and scenarios. Like, on the night one of the pictures were taken he had stopped texting me (usually he texts me when he gets home). He claimed he smoked and got too high and passed out. But what if he took one of those girls home? These are the things that go through my head constantly. How do I stop? I am a beautiful girl (not to be too overconfident) and I get hit on constantly. I love him and am attracted to him but many people have said, and would say that I am way out of his league. Not just physically either. But, how can I accept myself and know that I am a wonderful person and know that I have nothing to worry about?

[Ruby65]

He has never done anything to hurt me like cheating, well besides hiding small things in the past. It's extremely difficult for me to trust anybody really. I am constantly questioning and wanting reassurance. Something I need to quit right now. So, I really want to believe his reasoning for keeping this from me. But, it's triggering a whole bunch of other thoughts and scenarios. Like, on the night one of the pictures were taken he had stopped texting me (usually he texts me when he gets home). He claimed he smoked and got too high and passed out. But what if he took one of those girls home? These are the things that go through my head constantly. How do I stop? I am a beautiful girl (not to be too overconfident) and I get hit on constantly. I love him and am attracted to him but many people have said, and would say that I am way out of his league. Not just physically either. But, how can I accept myself and know that I am a wonderful person and know that I have nothing to worry about?

 

I don't think you're being paranoid or jealous.

 

I think you're in over-drive right now, making excuses for him and fighting your own instincts -- which are likely screaming at you to recognize these red flags.