Cedar27 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 (edited) So my ex and I have been broken up for 2 months. Together for almost 3 years. She needs time to "find herself" in her early twenties, whereas I…in my late twenties and having a ton more life experience, have already found myself. She may be suffering from the whole grass is greener syndrome, or we may just not be compatible. Who knows. She said she needs to be out of a relationship right now. She said she may want to get back together at a later time, but she also might not. So don't wait around for her. She needs to sort things out now and be independent which she has never been before (I was her first long term BF and she never lived alone, moved from her parents house to mine). During this time of her self discovery, she needs space and that means she shouldn't be talking to me unless its to discuss getting back together. She has a point. Needless to say, I took it hard. First month, lots of porn, gambling, and other destructive activities. Second month, depression. I lost my one true soulmate, how can I even go on living? So I have had many sleepless nights, instances of crying against the wall like a hysterical mental patient, and so on. Chain smoking in my home office all night listening to sad music on my iPhone thinking this is the end of the road for me and screaming to god to bring her back. Well, I lost it last night. I broke NC for the second time. Except this time….it was BAD. 15 frantic text messages, 5 calls, at 4 in the morning. All in a one hour timespan. Not one response. "BUT IT'S AN EMERGENCY PLEASE CALL!", "you are my soulmate and I need you, can you at least text me? ANYTHING", "Just 5 minutes, 5 minutes of your time" I wrote. The ring on her phone indicated she was on the phone with someone else. Probably was a guy….and here I am. The needy ex and she's ignoring me. The texts became progressively more desperate until I just collapsed in my bed. Then I had a breakthrough. After collecting my thoughts I sent her one final text, apologizing for my embarrassing behavior and telling her I need to respect her decision not to talk. I said although I want things to work out, I need to work on myself and be a better man with or without her in my life. Funny thing is, I actually got a full nights sleep last night for the first time in a LONG time. Felt better when I woke up too. Sending her all these texts, begging for her to call me just one last time, and to know she's sitting there just ignoring me….I finally understood how much of a fool I am. I need to move on from the idea of "us" at this point. If somewhere down the line she and I reunite and we are both single, mature, and want to be with one another again, it was meant to be. If not, well then i'll just find someone else. So, breaking NC was a huge wake up call. It showed me how weak and needy I was being. I am not respecting her decision to be single. If there is ever a chance this might work later on, doing this kind of crap is a definite way to ruin that. Thank god I broke NC, because it made me look at myself and her in a whole different way. We aren't on the same page, and there is no magic words or statements that will change her right now. I embarrassed myself bad last night, and because of that I actually feel confident for the first time I can succeed in NC. I proved to myself there is no point to breaking it. No amount of groveling, pleading or negotiating will change her. If her and I are going to work out in the long run, SHE has to want it. So I need to shut my mouth, accept this fact, and get a life again. Moral of the story? Sometimes we have to be pathetic just once to realize it's time to accept the situation for what it is and move forward with our life. Edited January 11, 2015 by Cedar27 5
NopeNah Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Now that you've done this...DON'T do it again! Come back and re-read your post whenever you think about contacting her. Eventually it does go away. The lingering thoughts hang around a bit longer,but the urge for contact goes away. Keep your dignity from here forward. 2
blackcat777 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 The inverse of this is that sticking to NC for prolonged periods of time, especially when it sucks in the beginning, makes you feel so incredibly empowered, because you know you've got your own back. 5
EmperorR Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 sometimes you need that final kick to set you on the right path. I remember years ago when I held out hope I broke NC only for her to be so cold that it made me never want to contact her again. 1
whichwayisup Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 You were almost there until I read this: If there is ever a chance this might work later on, doing this kind of crap is a definite way to ruin that. Holding on to that bit of hope that 'one day if there's a chance' even after her still ignoring you will prevent you from truly grieving her, the loss of your relationship with her and letting go once and for all. You possibly might reach out to her again in a weak moment in the future because you have a glimmer of hope ... Get rid of that "if there ever is a chance..." frame of mind. 1
Author Cedar27 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 (edited) You were almost there until I read this: Holding on to that bit of hope that 'one day if there's a chance' even after her still ignoring you will prevent you from truly grieving her, the loss of your relationship with her and letting go once and for all. You possibly might reach out to her again in a weak moment in the future because you have a glimmer of hope ... Get rid of that "if there ever is a chance..." frame of mind. I get what you mean, but I would really want to begin a relationship with her again if she comes back and is finally serious about settling down, and wants to own up for what she did and fight for the relationship. She was that important to me. However I also know it's a possibility that this will not happen, and I need to be open to finding someone else. Are you saying I have to get over her completely for there to be any chance of us reconciling? I need to basically act as if there is NO chance and move on? It does make sense…. but let me ask you...if I am able to get over her completely, does that mean if she comes back I wouldn't even want it? If that's the case it kind of defeats the purpose, but maybe i'm not understanding it exactly. Could you elaborate? Edited January 12, 2015 by Cedar27
Ieris Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 There were many members here who desperately wanted their ex back but by the time their ex came back, they lost all interest in them. I am sure as they went through the break up they held on to little glimmers of hope for getting back together but even that little bit of hope can fade away as time goes by... "If she comes back it would be amazing, but if she doesn't then it has been amazing..." 1
Author Cedar27 Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 Another question for you guys. Maybe I should have started a separate thread for this. The last string of texts were really desperate. 95% begging, pleading, acting needy, apologizing for the things I did in the relationship that contributed to its end (instead of blaming her like I normally do), etc. Maybe 5% was me saying I respect you and want to give you your space, blah blah blah. I kind of feel like sending her another text clarifying that hey, I am going to be working on myself here, and I am ready to meet someone else, I am not going to wait around, etc. But i don't know, I feel like I should just leave it where it's at….at the same time that's the last thing she's going to hear from me (except things we need to talk about like the money she owes me and stuff)…..she's going to remember me whining to her about wanting to get back together while I sit here and wait for her (although I did say I need to be a better man with or without her). I just know it comes off in a way that probably isn't going to help. However more texts just to clarify everything is just more breaking NC.
NopeNah Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Another question for you guys. Maybe I should have started a separate thread for this. The last string of texts were really desperate. 95% begging, pleading, acting needy, apologizing for the things I did in the relationship that contributed to its end (instead of blaming her like I normally do), etc. Maybe 5% was me saying I respect you and want to give you your space, blah blah blah. I kind of feel like sending her another text clarifying that hey, I am going to be working on myself here, and I am ready to meet someone else, I am not going to wait around, etc. But i don't know, I feel like I should just leave it where it's at….at the same time that's the last thing she's going to hear from me (except things we need to talk about like the money she owes me and stuff)…..she's going to remember me whining to her about wanting to get back together while I sit here and wait for her (although I did say I need to be a better man with or without her). I just know it comes off in a way that probably isn't going to help. However more texts just to clarify everything is just more breaking NC. Don't do that.
Simon Phoenix Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Another question for you guys. Maybe I should have started a separate thread for this. The last string of texts were really desperate. 95% begging, pleading, acting needy, apologizing for the things I did in the relationship that contributed to its end (instead of blaming her like I normally do), etc. Maybe 5% was me saying I respect you and want to give you your space, blah blah blah. I kind of feel like sending her another text clarifying that hey, I am going to be working on myself here, and I am ready to meet someone else, I am not going to wait around, etc. But i don't know, I feel like I should just leave it where it's at….at the same time that's the last thing she's going to hear from me (except things we need to talk about like the money she owes me and stuff)…..she's going to remember me whining to her about wanting to get back together while I sit here and wait for her (although I did say I need to be a better man with or without her). I just know it comes off in a way that probably isn't going to help. However more texts just to clarify everything is just more breaking NC. The more you try to dig yourself out of the hole, the deeper you'll sink. 4
whichwayisup Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I get what you mean, but I would really want to begin a relationship with her again if she comes back and is finally serious about settling down, and wants to own up for what she did and fight for the relationship. She was that important to me. However I also know it's a possibility that this will not happen, and I need to be open to finding someone else. Are you saying I have to get over her completely for there to be any chance of us reconciling? I need to basically act as if there is NO chance and move on? It does make sense…. but let me ask you...if I am able to get over her completely, does that mean if she comes back I wouldn't even want it? If that's the case it kind of defeats the purpose, but maybe i'm not understanding it exactly. Could you elaborate? No I am saying you must let go of her completely so you can move on with your life. Get her out of your blood and heart. As long as you have a glimmer of hope that she'll come running back to you, you'll always keep the door open a crack, looking for little hints that she is trying to woo her way back in. SLAM that door shut! Lock it and throw away the key. It is over between the two of you, she's moved on, you must move on now too. You cannot live life hoping one day your ex will come back. I mean, what if you meet and fall in love with a wonderful kind woman and 3 years later your ex calls you, says she wants to get back together. Would you DUMP your girlfriend and run backwards to someone who hurt you deeply, someone who ignored you and cut you out of their life? Or would you just focus on your new life with someone else. Give this some thought. Though I would hope if you meet someone else and years past , your ex would have NO influence on you anymore, I'd hope that you were totally over her and not care at all.
Author Cedar27 Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 (edited) I mean, what if you meet and fall in love with a wonderful kind woman and 3 years later your ex calls you, says she wants to get back together. Would you DUMP your girlfriend and run backwards to someone who hurt you deeply, someone who ignored you and cut you out of their life? Or would you just focus on your new life with someone else. If I fall in love again with someone else it means that my previous relationship wasn't meant to be. If I was in love with my future girlfriend, I wouldn't dump them because my ex came running back. I mean there would be no point. I would have had fallen in love with someone else. I'm pretty selective about my relationships and if i'm with someone longer than a few months it would mean they fit all the right criteria and i'm in love with them. It doesn't happen often, so if it did it would mean i've found someone and i'm in it for the long haul. I'm a logical person. My ex may never come back, I can't just wait around forever. So, i'm open to falling in love with a new woman, as well as rekindling things with my ex. Whichever one comes first. Either way i'd be happy. Is that so bad? Edited January 13, 2015 by Cedar27
Author Cedar27 Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 (edited) Broke NC again tonight. And after I posted a freaking thread as to how over it I was…..pathetic. Groveled to her telling her how I want a second chance, i'm so sorry about not looking at things from her side, etc. All in the middle of the freaking night. This HAS TO STOP. Back to square one. Edited January 13, 2015 by Cedar27
Popsicle Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 It almost seems like a rite of passage to break it once.
Light Breeze Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Broke NC again tonight. And after I posted a freaking thread as to how over it I was…..pathetic. Groveled to her telling her how I want a second chance, i'm so sorry about not looking at things from her side, etc. All in the middle of the freaking night. This HAS TO STOP. Back to square one. You're not pathetic You're human who make mistakes. If you keep on falling, then keep on standing up and learn everytime you stumble. Try to be a bit more disciplined. Exercise your mental strength and detach from your feelings. It's hard but I know you can do it! Stay strong brother!
Author Cedar27 Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 (edited) I feel like I have been such an idiot. I knew what to do. I knew that by sending her texts begging for breadcrumbs was wrong, and I did it anyway. I told her a week back the last time we spoke on the phone I was sorry for not meeting her needs in our relationship. She knows where i'm at. More texts are just me repeating the same thing, except probably more desperately. Now all I want to do is send another text basically saying "You know what? This is the last text. We should not talk at all. I can't be your friend. If you want to ever continue this and give it another shot, you need to want it and come back to me. I'm moving on in my life and if you don't want me i'm going to make someone else very happy because of the things I learned from you leaving. I want a second chance but i'm NOT waiting around anymore and I will not continue contacting you after this." It's ironic that all these texts I already sent…. telling her how little I did to listen to her needs in the relationship, I am ignoring the ONE NEED she has now from me. SPACE! Another text wouldn't do a damn thing, would it? I just hate for the last texts that she sees from me is this desperate, pleading man and NOT a strong independent man that learned a lesson and is moving on with his life, not having any expectation of getting her again unless she comes back ready to give it 100%…and by then I may have found a better woman. I'm just rambling here…I don't know what to do. One final strong assertive text or just walk away from the mess I created. Edited January 14, 2015 by Cedar27
NopeNah Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I feel like I have been such an idiot. I knew what to do. I knew that by sending her texts begging for breadcrumbs was wrong, and I did it anyway. I told her a week back the last time we spoke on the phone I was sorry for not meeting her needs in our relationship. She knows where i'm at. More texts are just me repeating the same thing, except probably more desperately. Now all I want to do is send another text basically saying "You know what? This is the last text. We should not talk at all. I can't be your friend. If you want to ever continue this and give it another shot, you need to want it and come back to me. I'm moving on in my life and if you don't want me i'm going to make someone else very happy because of the things I learned from you leaving. I want a second chance but i'm NOT waiting around anymore and I will not continue contacting you after this." It's ironic that all these texts I already sent…. telling her how little I did to listen to her needs in the relationship, I am ignoring the ONE NEED she has now from me. SPACE! Another text wouldn't do a damn thing, would it? I just hate for the last texts that she sees from me is this desperate, pleading man and NOT a strong independent man that learned a lesson and is moving on with his life, not having any expectation of getting her again unless she comes back ready to give it 100%…and by then I may have found a better woman. I'm just rambling here…I don't know what to do. One final strong assertive text or just walk away from the mess I created. You know exactly what you NEED to do!
Author Cedar27 Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 You know exactly what you NEED to do! NOT contact her again. Actions speak louder than words. 2
NopeNah Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 NOT contact her again. Actions speak louder than words. Yes,sir! Start off the week on a NC kick..take it one day at a time. Before long you won't even know how long it's been.
bigtrouble Posted January 15, 2015 Posted January 15, 2015 Sometimes we just need to get if off our chest one last time and we are up for a rude awakening. Whatever the outcome it gives us strength to keep moving on.
ballycastle Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Yes,sir! Start off the week on a NC kick..take it one day at a time. Before long you won't even know how long it's been. Not true. Im six months no contact and i live through every day knowing i wont see or speak to that person again. Its a long painful slog so saying otherwise is glib advice.
BC1980 Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 I feel like I have been such an idiot. I knew what to do. I knew that by sending her texts begging for breadcrumbs was wrong, and I did it anyway. I told her a week back the last time we spoke on the phone I was sorry for not meeting her needs in our relationship. She knows where i'm at. More texts are just me repeating the same thing, except probably more desperately. Now all I want to do is send another text basically saying "You know what? This is the last text. We should not talk at all. I can't be your friend. If you want to ever continue this and give it another shot, you need to want it and come back to me. I'm moving on in my life and if you don't want me i'm going to make someone else very happy because of the things I learned from you leaving. I want a second chance but i'm NOT waiting around anymore and I will not continue contacting you after this." It's ironic that all these texts I already sent…. telling her how little I did to listen to her needs in the relationship, I am ignoring the ONE NEED she has now from me. SPACE! Another text wouldn't do a damn thing, would it? I just hate for the last texts that she sees from me is this desperate, pleading man and NOT a strong independent man that learned a lesson and is moving on with his life, not having any expectation of getting her again unless she comes back ready to give it 100%…and by then I may have found a better woman. I'm just rambling here…I don't know what to do. One final strong assertive text or just walk away from the mess I created. Walk away. There is never just "one last text." It snowballs. The very best thing you can do is to never contact her again and work on making her input into your life meaningless. Let her have her thoughts on what happened, and you have yours. Get to a place where it truly doesn't matter what she thinks. 1
Author Cedar27 Posted January 16, 2015 Author Posted January 16, 2015 (edited) Walk away. There is never just "one last text." It snowballs. The very best thing you can do is to never contact her again and work on making her input into your life meaningless. Let her have her thoughts on what happened, and you have yours. Get to a place where it truly doesn't matter what she thinks. I know you're right. Its just I finally get at this point in my life where I realize that I became complacent in my relationship. I was not as active as I could be with her (doing more activities, meeting other couples, traveling, etc). This is not to deflect any wrongdoing on her part. We did have communication problems as she did not like to talk about our relationship much. I never realized she was ready to leave me over "being bored". I have a worthwhile life. I am a recovering addict and alcoholic. My life had a lot of meaning just working and staying clean, making money and having a nice house and a woman to come home to. That wasn't enough for her. It wasn't filled with enough activities, and I get that. She is younger than me though, has never been on her own before, and never had the life experiences I had….I should have known to step my game up Now that she is gone, i'm making more friends, engaging in more business activities, I am exercising again, and overall just have an incredible amount of motivation to be more active in my life! This was her one big beef with me. It just sucks that she isn't here to witness it, hear about, etc. I am the man she wanted me to be. Other people who know our personal story think she would have left anyway due to her age and need to be on her own for a while and find herself. However, I just wish I had one last shot in proving to her that I am a better man! I guess the moral of this story is to be a better man with or without her, I know I know….it just sucks she's cut me off like this. I wish she could understand where i'm at right now in life. Some of the previous texts I sent her conveyed a desperate man only wanting to change for her, pleading for forgiveness and begging for bread comes. The man I am now wants to change for the sake of becoming a better person. I am constantly fighting texting her/writing her one last time. But the truth is, in the last texts I sent to her I conveyed a lot of what I said here today anyway. And still, silence from her side. I feel like I am being punished. Aside from living a "boring life", I was an incredibly honest, loving, loyal, communicative, and dependable presence in her life. I think a couple of therapy sessions would have fixed all of these problems, but she wouldn't go with me. I just feel like I am getting the short end of the stick here. By being with me, she realized she needed to be on her own, live single in her early twenties,find herself, etc. What am I left with? A lost soul mate, and a newfound motivation to be more social and productive? I could have worked on that while I was with her. Hell, if I knew she would leave me over this I would have done this a long time ago. Edited January 16, 2015 by Cedar27
BC1980 Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 I know you're right. Its just I finally get at this point in my life where I realize that I became complacent in my relationship. I was not as active as I could be with her (doing more activities, meeting other couples, traveling, etc). This is not to deflect any wrongdoing on her part. We did have communication problems as she did not like to talk about our relationship much. I never realized she was ready to leave me over "being bored". I have a worthwhile life. I am a recovering addict and alcoholic. My life had a lot of meaning just working and staying clean, making money and having a nice house and a woman to come home to. That wasn't enough for her. It wasn't filled with enough activities, and I get that. She is younger than me though, has never been on her own before, and never had the life experiences I had….I should have known to step my game up Now that she is gone, i'm making more friends, engaging in more business activities, I am exercising again, and overall just have an incredible amount of motivation to be more active in my life! This was her one big beef with me. It just sucks that she isn't here to witness it, hear about, etc. I am the man she wanted me to be. Other people who know our personal story think she would have left anyway due to her age and need to be on her own for a while and find herself. However, I just wish I had one last shot in proving to her that I am a better man! I guess the moral of this story is to be a better man with or without her, I know I know….it just sucks she's cut me off like this. I wish she could understand where i'm at right now in life. Some of the previous texts I sent her conveyed a desperate man only wanting to change for her, pleading for forgiveness and begging for bread comes. The man I am now wants to change for the sake of becoming a better person. I am constantly fighting texting her/writing her one last time. But the truth is, in the last texts I sent to her I conveyed a lot of what I said here today anyway. And still, silence from her side. I feel like I am being punished. Aside from living a "boring life", I was an incredibly honest, loving, loyal, communicative, and dependable presence in her life. I think a couple of therapy sessions would have fixed all of these problems, but she wouldn't go with me. I just feel like I am getting the short end of the stick here. By being with me, she realized she needed to be on her own, live single in her early twenties,find herself, etc. What am I left with? A lost soul mate, and a newfound motivation to be more social and productive? I could have worked on that while I was with her. Hell, if I knew she would leave me over this I would have done this a long time ago. I know what it's like to go over the "what ifs" in your head. That is all normal, and you will deal with those thoughts over the course of your grief. In the end, it's usually a two way street, and no one was perfect in the relationship. I will tell you something that is very important: she no longer cares if you "improve" or not, and it may never have mattered in the relationship anyway. When people are done, they are done. Period. End of story. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Unless you did something completely terrible like abuse her or cheat on her, take comfort that you are good enough. Even if she doesn't want to be with you, you are good enough and worthy enough. You can't make someone want to be with you, but it's not a judgement on you, as a person. You have to get out of that mentality, though I know it takes time. I was very harsh and judgemental of myself after my breakup. I blamed myself completely, but the truth was that my ex never deserved half of my love. He was very emotionally abusive to me. Now, that's not the case with you, but, still, don't judge yourself. Emotions are very fickle quite honestly. People fall in and out of love over the course of their lives. Some people seem to be able to jump from one person to the next and detach from relationships easily. I don't understand that myself, but my ex was that way. It has nothing to do with me or you.
Deidre Posted January 16, 2015 Posted January 16, 2015 Oh gosh, I know this feeling. I'm glad you came out learning an important lesson. Also...when someone says...''oh, I need a break, but I may want to get back together someday...'' it usually means they are interested in someone while they were seeing you, and if that doesn't pan out...aw, then they'll let you come back. Isn't that so nice of her? lol Stay NC. Stay strong. No matter what. Hoping you have a good weekend! 1
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