sandylee1 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Of all the things I might be able to reconcile from, I absolutely know 100% that I could never stay in a marriage if my spouse got an OW pregnant. The constant reminder of the infidelity would be way more than I could deal with, yet many women stay with their husbands in spite of this. I read recently a BW saying her H decided to have NC with the OW and his OC and that this was the only thing he got to make a choice on. Since he had no say in her terminating the pregnancy which he wanted the OW to do. The BW went on to say his only mistake was not wearing a condom. My thoughts were 'he had the choice not to cheat as well' I know there are women who have a child for their OM, but the numbers don't come anywhere close to the reverse situation. I'm also aware that men are deceived that the child is their's, which I think is awful and selfish to their H and the child. So what are your thoughts? Would this be your absolute dealbreaker? Could you or have you dealt with infidelity where there is an OC? 1
Confused48 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 You are a BW so of course you think that the statistics are skewed in favor of WHs having children out of wedlock. No. It is 50/50. Equal opportunity offending. There are a lot of WWs that get pregnant by their OMs. BC only men and women together can make babies, it makes sense that this is not a thing that only men or women can F@ck up. it is sexist to think otherwise.
Author sandylee1 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 You are a BW so of course you think that the statistics are skewed in favor of WHs having children out of wedlock. No. It is 50/50. Equal opportunity offending. There are a lot of WWs that get pregnant by their OMs. BC only men and women together can make babies, it makes sense that this is not a thing that only men or women can F@ck up. it is sexist to think otherwise. Actually I'm not a BW. I'm basing my statement on experience of people I know and reading the experiences of the OC on forums like this. Most of the posters are female. Certain things apply more to one gender than the other and I don't believe I'm sexist by saying that. Yes we are equal, but different. Again I would state that from life experience I find there are way more single OWs than single male OMs. I
Popsicle Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 You can do anything you want. I've seen it all. There are no limits.
whatatangledweb Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 No, it would be a deal breaker for me. My husband never wanted children and I have children from my first husband. So if someone else gave him something he chose to not have with me then I could not live with it.
Mal78 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Of all the things I might be able to reconcile from, I absolutely know 100% that I could never stay in a marriage if my spouse got an OW pregnant. The constant reminder of the infidelity would be way more than I could deal with, yet many women stay with their husbands in spite of this. I read recently a BW saying her H decided to have NC with the OW and his OC and that this was the only thing he got to make a choice on. Since he had no say in her terminating the pregnancy which he wanted the OW to do. The BW went on to say his only mistake was not wearing a condom. My thoughts were 'he had the choice not to cheat as well' I know there are women who have a child for their OM, but the numbers don't come anywhere close to the reverse situation. I'm also aware that men are deceived that the child is their's, which I think is awful and selfish to their H and the child. So what are your thoughts? Would this be your absolute dealbreaker? Could you or have you dealt with infidelity where there is an OC? I had a childhood friend that had an affair on her H and got pregnant. She had already had 3 boys with her H. They are devote Catholics (go figure), they don't believe in terminating a pregnancy so she carried the baby to term and had a beautiful baby girl. They decided that she would give the baby up for adoption and in some strange (to me) Adoption ceremony her 3 older boys carried their sister from their Mother to her Adoptive parents. They moved on, R and "seem" happily married (it's been 10 years). I think the ceremony was part of the healing process for her children as well although I'm not sure if they consulted with a child physiologist to see if this was healthy. I know, for me this would be the ultimate dealbreaker! Another friend and her husband got a surprise years into their marriage that he had a child from a previous relationship. She tried to except it as best as she could but ultimately it was a dealbreaker for her. She couldn't handle that she wasn't the only one to bare his children (they have 3). Totally different circumstance but for some (apparently) it is something they can't handle.
Minnie09 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 They decided that she would give the baby up for adoption and in some strange (to me) Adoption ceremony her 3 older boys carried their sister from their Mother to her Adoptive parents That's beyond freaky. What did they tell their children? Mom had an affair, and she got pregnant, but decided to change her mind? Crazy. Definitely not healthy for the kids. No matter how old. I find this very disturbing. 1
Mal78 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 That's beyond freaky. What did they tell their children? Mom had an affair, and she got pregnant, but decided to change her mind? Crazy. Definitely not healthy for the kids. No matter how old. I find this very disturbing. Trust me. I was very disturbed when she told me in a very whimsical manner like it was such a *beautiful experience*. However I've been betrayed and I had a hard time empathize with *her* situation. I don't wear my distain well and I know she was put off by my reaction. We were at a "reunion" of sorts for all our Jr.High/middle school posse. Her and another girl and I were the closest. I got pregnant at 15 (still married to his father with 5 more children) and I was shunned by a lot of my friends because for some reason pregnancy might be catchy plus I portrayed the ultimate sin in many of these very religious families eyes (we went to a Catholic School). My other friend got pregnant at 17 and gave her daughter up for adoption so they had that in common. I suppose she needed to heal and have positive support. However I ended the night wrong when they and a few other girls were going to the club after. We had met at a restaurant. I was asked to join them however I really had/have interest in the club being that I'm married and have five kids and all. So I said, "have fun, don't get pregnant again". I knew right away it was WRONG! However I was so disgusted by her flippant story that came out of her infidelity I didn’t care. She deleted me of FB and we haven't spoken since. I did see her at the zoo and we ignored each other although I do feel I need to appoligise for the remark. As for her kids, they were told what they needed to know at the time. They were 3, 6 and 8. I'm not sure in what detail but they got to know the other family and knew their sister was going to a good place. I'm pretty sure (if I remember correctly) they decided to make it a closed adoption. I would be concerned about how this child would feel about the reasons for Mom giving her away. I don't know if she would care about her lineage just that her mother had 3 children, all boys and gave "her" up. Her only girl. That, to me would be devistated. The other thing it wasn't 100% certain that the child wasn't her H's. But instead of a DNA they didn't want to bond then find out. So it was best since they didn't know for sure that they would give her up anyways. Again. Like I said I sat there gobsmacked.
No Limit Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 (edited) No, never. Now that's not a surprising response from me because I've stated a lot of times already that I'd never reconcile, but with a child on the way there are a lot of different perspectives. WH is expecting a baby, so he ought to prepare for it and take responsibility for his actions. At least be a great daddy if you failed so thoroughly as husband, and no I don't care if the "crazy b!tch you never loved and other excuses" 'tricked' you or got pregnant on purpose. Besides, the damage it could do to my own kids. Honestly, if I had children with WH at that point I wouldn't want them anywhere near their half-siblings and worse, half-siblings and a terror mommy-OW who still has "he's MINE!"-thoughts in her head and lets it out on my own children. I'd move across the globe if necessary. Edited January 11, 2015 by No Limit 1
Red123 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Luckily I didn't have to make this decision. I have no idea what I would do, because thankfully I don't walk there. I'll guess, knowing myself. I would probably insist on a DNA test, and if he was the father I would insist he supports the child, I doubt he wouldn't choose the same thing. As far as us being together, I'm guessing no. NC is a must with the MOW that he had the A with, and with a child that's impossible, so that would probably be a deal breaker for me. 1
Author sandylee1 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 No, never. Now that's not a surprising response from me because I've stated a lot of times already that I'd never reconcile, but with a child on the way there are a lot of different perspectives. WH is expecting a baby, so he ought to prepare for it and take responsibility for his actions. At least be a great daddy if you failed so thoroughly as husband, and no I don't care if the "crazy b!tch you never loved and other excuses" 'tricked' you or got pregnant on purpose. Besides, the damage it could do to my own kids. Honestly, if I had children with WH at that point I wouldn't want them anywhere near their half-siblings and worse, half-siblings and a terror mommy-OW who still has "he's MINE!"-thoughts in her head and lets it out on my own children. I'd move across the globe if necessary. Are you still with your H?
Author sandylee1 Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 I had a childhood friend that had an affair on her H and got pregnant. She had already had 3 boys with her H. They are devote Catholics (go figure), they don't believe in terminating a pregnancy so she carried the baby to term and had a beautiful baby girl. They decided that she would give the baby up for adoption and in some strange (to me) Adoption ceremony her 3 older boys carried their sister from their Mother to her Adoptive parents. They moved on, R and "seem" happily married (it's been 10 years). I think the ceremony was part of the healing process for her children as well although I'm not sure if they consulted with a child physiologist to see if this was healthy. I know, for me this would be the ultimate dealbreaker! Another friend and her husband got a surprise years into their marriage that he had a child from a previous relationship. She tried to except it as best as she could but ultimately it was a dealbreaker for her. She couldn't handle that she wasn't the only one to bare his children (they have 3). Totally different circumstance but for some (apparently) it is something they can't handle. My word I've never heard anything like this. It always gets me how devout Catholics have sex before marriage, commit adultery, but use their religion as a reason not to terminate a pregnancy. I can understand how you felt, I'd have thought she'd be so ashamed of her actions and never breath a word about it. I do feel for the poor 2
autumnnight Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 This would be beyond difficult. Honestly, I think the best thing FOR THE BABY would be adoption. I cannot imagine raising a child that constantly reminded me of my spouse's betrayal. BUT I also cannot imagine being the child (who didn't ask to be conceived or born), growing up knowing what one or both of my parents/guardians felt about me. A child should grow up with love, regardless of how they came into existence.
Trimmer Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I had a childhood friend that had an affair on her H and got pregnant. She had already had 3 boys with her H. They are devote Catholics (go figure), they don't believe in terminating a pregnancy so she carried the baby to term and had a beautiful baby girl. They decided that she would give the baby up for adoption and in some strange (to me) Adoption ceremony her 3 older boys carried their sister from their Mother to her Adoptive parents. They moved on, R and "seem" happily married (it's been 10 years). I think the ceremony was part of the healing process for her children as well although I'm not sure if they consulted with a child physiologist to see if this was healthy. That's beyond freaky. What did they tell their children? Mom had an affair, and she got pregnant, but decided to change her mind? Crazy. Definitely not healthy for the kids. No matter how old. I find this very disturbing. Yeah - not to mention the fact that it creates a metaphor where the mother has abdicated her responsibility, and burdened the three boys with the task of "taking away" the unwanted child. That seems really skeevy to me.
Mal78 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 My word I've never heard anything like this. It always gets me how devout Catholics have sex before marriage, commit adultery, but use their religion as a reason not to terminate a pregnancy. I can understand how you felt, I'd have thought she'd be so ashamed of her actions and never breath a word about it. I do feel for the poor I think like all religions some people take and leave what they want. Her family growing up was very different than other catholic families. Her parents celebrated conception dates as well as birth dates. They also didn't believe in contraception and viewed it as a form of abortion. They had 7 children and then several miscarriages which where very mourned and devastating. They still celebrated the unborn's conception dates. Mom then had to have a hysterectomy due to sever medical issues. Mom always seemed severely malnourished maybe 80 lbs I mean she looked SICK the whole time I knew them. They lived in a very small townhouse in a government housing project. I do have to say though her parents were very loving, nurturing and I felt good around them. All the kids seemed to turn out pretty good. My friend was the oldest. She had said her mom really encouraged her to keep the baby. She was very disappointed by the A but is also very warm and forgiving lady.
Author sandylee1 Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 This would be beyond difficult. Honestly, I think the best thing FOR THE BABY would be adoption. I cannot imagine raising a child that constantly reminded me of my spouse's betrayal. BUT I also cannot imagine being the child (who didn't ask to be conceived or born), growing up knowing what one or both of my parents/guardians felt about me. A child should grow up with love, regardless of how they came into existence. I'm not talking about where you would have to raise the child. On the case of a WH the child would be raised by the mother. Though even visitation is more than many could handle. Of course I think where a WW has an OC, asking the BH to raise that child is much worse.
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 I think this is another one of those things we can't really say for sure how we'd handle until we're faced with it. I mean look how we all talked about how cheating was a dealbreaker. Turns out... for most, it's really not. It's a Game Changer. 2
No Limit Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Are you still with your H? I was never married. Don't plan to either to be honest.
sidney2718 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Yeah - not to mention the fact that it creates a metaphor where the mother has abdicated her responsibility, and burdened the three boys with the task of "taking away" the unwanted child. That seems really skeevy to me. Seems worse than that to me. It is easy to imagine that the boys each have had it occur to them that if they are really bad perhaps mom and dad will bundle me up and give me away. Kids don't need that sort of thing. Even divorced parents are preferable.
autumnnight Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I'm not talking about where you would have to raise the child. On the case of a WH the child would be raised by the mother. Though even visitation is more than many could handle. Of course I think where a WW has an OC, asking the BH to raise that child is much worse. Which is why I think adoption is best. Because the child didn't do anything wrong.
Trimmer Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Seems worse than that to me. It is easy to imagine that the boys each have had it occur to them that if they are really bad perhaps mom and dad will bundle me up and give me away. Kids don't need that sort of thing. Even divorced parents are preferable. I didn't catch that part of it at first, but indeed I agree with you.
Author sandylee1 Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 I think this is another one of those things we can't really say for sure how we'd handle until we're faced with it. I mean look how we all talked about how cheating was a dealbreaker. Turns out... for most, it's really not. It's a Game Changer. Maybe..............but an OC is a whole new ballgame. I mean what do you tell your kids? Daddy had a gf and got her pregnant? This is your little brother/sister?. You just can't hide it, like you can hide the A. I certainly know I'd divorce him if this ever happened.
HereNorThere Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I think one of the biggest things I've learned from this forum is that a lot of people are able to stretch their boundaries if they fear losing their partner. If cheating isn't a deal breaker, most likely the kid isn't going to be either. Sad, but that's just part of the co-dependency.
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I think one of the biggest things I've learned from this forum is that a lot of people are able to stretch their boundaries if they fear losing their partner. If cheating isn't a deal breaker, most likely the kid isn't going to be either. Sad, but that's just part of the co-dependency. I would challenge the "most likely" part, as that really is a HUGE additional thing to deal with, that I suspect is too much for most people. But yeah... there are those for whom no situation is so difficult that it overshadows their fear of being alone. The worst scenarios I've seen are the stay-home moms who have no educations, no career skills, no prospects, and are past their prime earning years. If they are afraid to go it alone... I can hardly blame them.
Clay Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 Some of the things I have read on these sights just blow me away. I think personally there would be no way I could deal with this but its clear to me others probably would accept it. I mean lets get real some people have actual evidence of there mate cheating and they are clueless and feel they must have more evidence. Its like come on what in the world is so wrong with you that your this blind. 1
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