completely stuck in my life, feel there's no way out

[chris002]

I’m really stuck, feel like a bad LSD trip that doesn't end and it’s been almost 7 months. There’s times I’ve felt a little bit better but I’m back to really low point again. I’m actually thinking now about radical ways to end my vicious thought pattern, to put my mind to sleep somehow. I don’t want it at all, I want to live and experience things, want to love and be loved again, but I cannot find a solution to fix my struggling brain. Sorry to say this, I know it sucks to read about this on a forum about someone you don’t know anything about. I've had some problems with vicious thought cycles before in a few times in my life but now the beast has really gotten loose.

 

So, my ex broke up with me almost 7 months ago already. We were together for 2 years, most of the time we lived together. We were really in LOVE. Capital letters. And it was mutual. We both had never been so close to anyone else. But we were both rookies and didn't know how to hold a relationship. I don't bore you with all the details but we broke up. I think I know now the 50 reasons why it ended and I know things could have been avoided with better communication or even just have a bit of a pause and get back together if I had not broken down in front of her so severely. And oh boy, how did I broke down. Things came out of me I didn't even know existed. I was an emotional mess, a needy, crying, clingy, depressed man-child.

 

Even after the breakup, until very recently my ex still loved me and cared. At least that what she kept telling me. But I had so degraded me in front of her and the attraction was blown. I guess it’s a classic is in love somewhat still and cares but don’t love and is not attracted to scenario. I know I’ve exposed myself to her in a really bad way after breakup and she cannot get that sight out of her head. I also know since we were so close, then we shared almost every intimate detail with each other, so she might think there’s nothing new any more. I know we let the spark go the last months a bit, but I was just very busy and lost myself a bit too in the process and she had all the time to notice. She was also insecure and thought she might loose me a few months before. She ended up hooking up with our mutual friend. A popular younger dude, she shares a few passions with. Passions I was blind and stupid enough to encourage.

 

I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t have broken up if she would be a bit older and we would have communicated our needs more or if I had acted a bit differently but it is what it is.

 

I cannot get it out of my head, I accuse myself on the last months of the relationship I was ignorant on the problems and also that after the breakup I became such a mess.

 

She tried to come back to me several times since breakup but since I was enthusiastic about it, but still needy etc, she pulled away again each time. We've been still communicating a bit although not so much lately.

 

It's over. I'm trying to pull myself together but have real troubles doing so. I've done everything and tried everything but in reality am a mess still.

 

I want to meet new girls and I've had. I know I'm good looking, good shape, relatively successful, interesting, funny. I'm a catch. Or so people tell me. Or could be if I wouldn't be with so messed up brain. But I'm already over 30s. Even though I look a bit younger. Most of my real close friends have families already. I have younger friends too, but I feel old together with them. Never did felt that before but now when my confidence is shredded, that thought has occured. I've never been super confident to chat up girls that I don't know (although I should have all the reasons to be so) but now the last of it is lost. I also live in relatively small town, so everyone knows everyone and our breakup was quite public to some people. I know I might radiate insecurity and neediness and that scares some people away. Girls want to hang with me, but I keep zoning out thinking about my ex. That vicious thought pattern again. Her new dude is in my close social circuit, so that's a constant reminder. I feel betrayed. I think in the back of my mind I wanted to start thinking about settling down already but now I have to put myself back out there.

 

I know I could experience happiness again if I could only let go of all the hurt this caused me but I cannot seem to find a way. I'm more scared now I'm wasting away my "last" years when I look young and handsome and could find new exciting partner.

 

I've had some pretty nice hookups but my ex showed up again each time "wanting" me back and if I did so too, then she pulled away still. All that nonsense put me back into my misery. And now I'm having trouble to put myself out there. I know there's a lot of girls wanting to hang out with me, but I'm so hung up still.

I compare every girl to my ex and no one compares or comes close. I know it's totally irrational and my ex shouldn't be on this pedestal. If she had gone cold turkey with me, things might have been easier to accept but months and months after breakup she still reached out, wanted to give me gifts, wanted to have me go to her family meetings, even kissed, cuddled. I actually thought she wants to get back together. But after a tiny misstep and neediness from my side, she pulled away again every time and run to her rebound (who now might not be a rebound). I made a mistake to be available to her and now she thinks about me as a "friend", while the other is her lover.

 

I know I cannot get over her before I meet someone new I really like and likes me back. But I cannot really meet that someone, before I'm over this mess. It's a stupid cycle. I feel I can never be happy again, never loved again.

 

I have constant headache and neck pain. I'm afraid I might have gotten into a severe depression. I would look help but my finances are mess now too and don't have money for doctor at the moment.

 

I've also lost my home, family, I have my friends but I still feel very alone in the world now. I cannot understand how this happened. How from total happiness I got into a complete misery. She tells me she is still heartbroken too and cannot get over why she felt she needed to let go of me. Until a month ago she even said she is still confused about the decisions. But let go of me she has.

 

I know I should be in constant NC. But since she and her other semi-occasional or now more steady trophy boy is in my so close social circuit, then I cannot be in total NC really anyway. I could go on trips but don't have the finances at the moment.

Edited January 11, 2015 by chris002

[Satu]

I sympathise with you, but I also think you're incredibly self-indulgent.

 

Your life and your feelings belong to you.

 

Nobody is making you feel the way you feel. You are making yourself feel the way you feel. It's not about your ex. It's about you.

 

If you don't like your life the way it is, stop making excuses and change it.

 

Start today.

[chris002]

Thanks Satu for replying!

 

I totally know that. But that doesn't help me in some reason. I know I probably have some psychological problems that might have come out. And it's not about my ex but about me. And I feel alone with my problems and don't know how to fix them now. Until my mid 20s I was cool to be an independent dude with all the world open to me. But now I need someone to be with me. I feel I cannot make it alone. I can pull myself together for a few hours and sometimes days or maybe a week and then it falls totally apart again. and again.

Edited January 11, 2015 by chris002

[Satu]

Thanks Satu for replying.

 

I totally know that. But that doesn't help me in some reason. I can pull myself together for a few hours and sometimes days or maybe a week and then it falls totally apart again. and again.

 

I hear you complaining, but I'm not hearing a hunger for progress and change.

 

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you'll only change if you really, really, want to.

 

Change is something that you can only do by your own efforts.

 

Change is difficult. Change is laborious. Change takes time.

 

What are you actually doing to improve yourself and your life?

 

What?

[chris002]

exercising, going out with friends, meeting new people, working on some projects, trying out new hobbies. Would go abroad for a while but cannot at the moment.

 

but yeah, also got into some bad habits. and I haven't been super consistent with good habits

[lizzygirl]

I’m really stuck, feel like a bad LSD trip that doesn't end and it’s been almost 7 months. There’s times I’ve felt a little bit better but I’m back to really low point again. I’m actually thinking now about radical ways to end my vicious thought pattern, to put my mind to sleep somehow. I don’t want it at all, I want to live and experience things, want to love and be loved again, but I cannot find a solution to fix my struggling brain. Sorry to say this, I know it sucks to read about this on a forum about someone you don’t know anything about. I've had some problems with vicious thought cycles before in a few times in my life but now the beast has really gotten loose.

 

So, my ex broke up with me almost 7 months ago already. We were together for 2 years, most of the time we lived together. We were really in LOVE. Capital letters. And it was mutual. We both had never been so close to anyone else. But we were both rookies and didn't know how to hold a relationship. I don't bore you with all the details but we broke up. I think I know now the 50 reasons why it ended and I know things could have been avoided with better communication or even just have a bit of a pause and get back together if I had not broken down in front of her so severely. And oh boy, how did I broke down. Things came out of me I didn't even know existed. I was an emotional mess, a needy, crying, clingy, depressed man-child.

 

Even after the breakup, until very recently my ex still loved me and cared. At least that what she kept telling me. But I had so degraded me in front of her and the attraction was blown. I guess it’s a classic is in love somewhat still and cares but don’t love and is not attracted to scenario. I know I’ve exposed myself to her in a really bad way after breakup and she cannot get that sight out of her head. I also know since we were so close, then we shared almost every intimate detail with each other, so she might think there’s nothing new any more. I know we let the spark go the last months a bit, but I was just very busy and lost myself a bit too in the process and she had all the time to notice. She was also insecure and thought she might loose me a few months before. She ended up hooking up with our mutual friend. A popular younger dude, she shares a few passions with. Passions I was blind and stupid enough to encourage.

 

I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t have broken up if she would be a bit older and we would have communicated our needs more or if I had acted a bit differently but it is what it is.

 

I cannot get it out of my head, I accuse myself on the last months of the relationship I was ignorant on the problems and also that after the breakup I became such a mess.

 

She tried to come back to me several times since breakup but since I was enthusiastic about it, but still needy etc, she pulled away again each time. We've been still communicating a bit although not so much lately.

 

It's over. I'm trying to pull myself together but have real troubles doing so. I've done everything and tried everything but in reality am a mess still.

 

I want to meet new girls and I've had. I know I'm good looking, good shape, relatively successful, interesting, funny. I'm a catch. Or so people tell me. Or could be if I wouldn't be with so messed up brain. But I'm already over 30s. Even though I look a bit younger. Most of my real close friends have families already. I have younger friends too, but I feel old together with them. Never did felt that before but now when my confidence is shredded, that thought has occured. I've never been super confident to chat up girls that I don't know (although I should have all the reasons to be so) but now the last of it is lost. I also live in relatively small town, so everyone knows everyone and our breakup was quite public to some people. I know I might radiate insecurity and neediness and that scares some people away. Girls want to hang with me, but I keep zoning out thinking about my ex. That vicious thought pattern again. Her new dude is in my close social circuit, so that's a constant reminder. I feel betrayed. I think in the back of my mind I wanted to start thinking about settling down already but now I have to put myself back out there.

 

I know I could experience happiness again if I could only let go of all the hurt this caused me but I cannot seem to find a way. I'm more scared now I'm wasting away my "last" years when I look young and handsome and could find new exciting partner.

 

I've had some pretty nice hookups but my ex showed up again each time "wanting" me back and if I did so too, then she pulled away still. All that nonsense put me back into my misery. And now I'm having trouble to put myself out there. I know there's a lot of girls wanting to hang out with me, but I'm so hung up still.

I compare every girl to my ex and no one compares or comes close. I know it's totally irrational and my ex shouldn't be on this pedestal. If she had gone cold turkey with me, things might have been easier to accept but months and months after breakup she still reached out, wanted to give me gifts, wanted to have me go to her family meetings, even kissed, cuddled. I actually thought she wants to get back together. But after a tiny misstep and neediness from my side, she pulled away again every time and run to her rebound (who now might not be a rebound). I made a mistake to be available to her and now she thinks about me as a "friend", while the other is her lover.

 

I know I cannot get over her before I meet someone new I really like and likes me back. But I cannot really meet that someone, before I'm over this mess. It's a stupid cycle. I feel I can never be happy again, never loved again.

 

I have constant headache and neck pain. I'm afraid I might have gotten into a severe depression. I would look help but my finances are mess now too and don't have money for doctor at the moment.

 

I've also lost my home, family, I have my friends but I still feel very alone in the world now. I cannot understand how this happened. How from total happiness I got into a complete misery. She tells me she is still heartbroken too and cannot get over why she felt she needed to let go of me. Until a month ago she even said she is still confused about the decisions. But let go of me she has.

 

I know I should be in constant NC. But since she and her other semi-occasional or now more steady trophy boy is in my so close social circuit, then I cannot be in total NC really anyway. I could go on trips but don't have the finances at the moment.

 

No one can know all the details of a relationship but it sounds like this woman has manipulated and strung you along a lot. And that kind of push and pull can play with a person's emotions to the point that you do fall into a deep depression and break down emotionally.

 

It sounds as if this relationship was toxic from the get-go. I think her insecurities led her to keep you on the hook, yet end up cheating on you with this other guy. And that is HER issue, not your's. It is no reflection on you, just her own issues.

 

How on earth do you think you are all washed up in your 30's? Wow. Let me let you in on a little secret - most men only get better looking as they age. Age is not an issue these days so you need to get that out of your head.

 

Get back out there. Get back on your feet. Move away if you need to. I dont' know why you've lost your family, but you probably haven't in all actuality. Talk to them. Sure sounds like you're knee deep in small town BS anyway, so it would probably be good for you to find another job a few counties away at least and move there. The world is your oyster and you can take it by the horns if you want to.

 

You've gotten yourself immersed into a toxic relationship that you are going to have to put behind you. No one is worth this level of misery. She will keep pulling you back and forth as long as you let her and throwing you a crumb here and there. The biggest part of your depression right now is your lack of self respect and confidence. But guess what - you will get all that back when you go total NC with her, move on, chalk all this up to just a mistake, and start making healthy choices. And the more you do that, the more others will flock to you and you will find someone who really loves you the right way one day instead of what you can do for them.

[chris002]

Thanks Lizzigirl!

 

I know feeling old in 30s is somewhat irrational. Well I don't feel old and don't look old at all, it's more that I feel I've reached my peak and it's downwards from here. I know it doesn't have to be so, but just my mind is playing tricks on me. Being swopped for 10 years younger dude also doesn't help. And I still have a feeling that due to some specific actions I took I almost pushed her to him.

 

I didn't loose my family but my family is living in another city. I became really close to her family and they still want to keep in touch and say they love me and that I am very dear for them. They didn't want us to break up at all. But it's just hurting.

 

My ex did treat me very good when we were together. I think I treated her nicely too. I know I did. But she never communicated if she didn't like or was lacking something. She told me later it was hard for her. At first she was so afraid to loose me, so she didn't want to say anything if something came up and in the last part when I was super busy, she said she felt she couldn't communicate with me properly. Which was probably right as my mind was consumed with workload or work.

Edited January 11, 2015 by chris002

[NopeNah]

You have to live your life the best way you see fit, for yourself. I'm not saying being a dick and callous, but do you! You have to cut her family off too! The whole "blood thicker thing".. you don't need their pity. Stuff happens.. sucks, yes! But..dealing with trial and tribulations is what makes you stronger.

[Hoosfoos]

You're still relatively young. I would kill to be back in my 30s. You'll be in real trouble if you end up like me, dumped, lost, and 44.

[chris002]

Thanks for the reply.

I feel quite a lot better today. Started with some new stuff. We'll see.

I just had a burnout because of work and she was the same time insecure and afraid to tell me anything and had her own problems. So we drifted and had a fight. I was sorry and wanted it to work out but was an emotional mess, so we both couldn't handle it and couldn't work on our problems. So, it went. If she really would love me, she would have come back to me but she is young and now has another popular boy whose attention she fanices, even though she probably doesn't even love him, not like this, and has has urge to get away to experience something new. I have to do that too. And not think about her or them any more.

[Satu]

And not think about her or them any more.

 

Care about yourself by not caring about them.

[Ieris]

I want to hear more about "you", no more "she/her" or "we" or "us". That's gone. She is no good for you and you have to let go of those who bring nothing good to your life. If something burns you, you don't keep sticking your hand back into the fire do you?

 

Picture yourself on a hamster wheel, you're just going round the same cycle day in day out. There is a way out and you know the way out, in fact there is nothing there stopping you but yourself, you're choosing to suffer, you're choosing to hold on. You need to ask yourself why?

[ralfgarnett]

"Being swopped for 10 years younger dude also doesn't help"

 

 

This is her stupid problem not yours, if she wants to hang out with some spotty juvenile twerp then that speaks volumes about her but certainly not you, nuts to her let her keep making a fool of yourself it will fizzle out quicker than a firework in a bucket, meanwhile you keep your dignity and decorum and do your best to get by mate at your own speed and in your own dignified way.

[ralfgarnett]

You're still relatively young. I would kill to be back in my 30s. You'll be in real trouble if you end up like me, dumped, lost, and 44.

 

 

Even me, 20 years together, dumped, lost and just turned 50, yet they do say that 50 is the new 40 but we will see about that, the one bright light on the horizon is steak pie, mashed potatoes, and peas for tea.

[ralfgarnett]

I hear you complaining, but I'm not hearing a hunger for progress and change.

 

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but you'll only change if you really, really, want to.

 

Change is something that you can only do by your own efforts.

 

Change is difficult. Change is laborious. Change takes time.

 

What are you actually doing to improve yourself and your life?

 

What?

 

 

And change is ruddy difficult when your depressed and heartbroken, I hear what your saying mate but its not as easy as all that I wish it was for my sake, his sake, and everyones sake in our position.