mefisto Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I have started to doubt it. Recently i wondered if almost all the people, who got dumped, after some time have been healed by another human being of opposite gender. It is the only way? I know a lot of people here will disagree with this, while using arguments about how one should resolve all his own issues before meeting the other person and burden this person with personal baggage. It makes sense on paper, but in reality i don't see people act like that. Of all the people i know, whom suffered a breakup, almost everyone has been healed only after meeting somebody new. I read it on loveshack all the time. All those sayings like "when i finally met him/her all the thoughts about my ex disappeared in a moment" make me angry. What one can do, if due some circumstances, he just can't meet somebody new? All my life i had extreme difficulties with getting along with girls. After i made my life a little better, at the age of 20, i met the first girl who liked me back. I was very happy back then, we dated 2.5 years, but in the end she hurt so bad that i did suicide attempt and nearly died. After it happened, i decided to try to build new life for me. I restored some contacts with old friends, did some self-development intellectual things, started to work out. After few months of this hard work, i tried to meet somebody new and failed terribly. I was on 5 dates with different girls and was rejected by single one of them. Each rejection killed my confidence until it disappeared completely. Each rejection became another memory that haunt me everywhere and make me cringe in pain. It seems like the experience with my ex was some kind of unique miracle that will never repeat in my life. I cant decide should i accept that i wont ever have success with girls i like again or should i keep hitting the wall and exhausting myself, until i will be completely crazy and mad person, getting full mental after some final rejection? People say things like "the more times you feel rejection the more you become apathetic towards it" - this is wrong! The each rejection i had hurt me more than previous one. It has some strange increasing effect for me. Can anybody relate or give some advice?
Satu Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Nobody can heal you but yourself. That is as immutable a law as the law of gravity. Another person can love you and make you feel happy and fulfilled, but they can't heal you. Even a therapist can't heal you. They just hold your hand and encourage you while you heal yourself. 7
ballycastle Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I have started to doubt it. Recently i wondered if almost all the people, who got dumped, after some time have been healed by another human being of opposite gender. It is the only way? I know a lot of people here will disagree with this, while using arguments about how one should resolve all his own issues before meeting the other person and burden this person with personal baggage. It makes sense on paper, but in reality i don't see people act like that. Of all the people i know, whom suffered a breakup, almost everyone has been healed only after meeting somebody new. I read it on loveshack all the time. All those sayings like "when i finally met him/her all the thoughts about my ex disappeared in a moment" make me angry. What one can do, if due some circumstances, he just can't meet somebody new? All my life i had extreme difficulties with getting along with girls. After i made my life a little better, at the age of 20, i met the first girl who liked me back. I was very happy back then, we dated 2.5 years, but in the end she hurt so bad that i did suicide attempt and nearly died. After it happened, i decided to try to build new life for me. I restored some contacts with old friends, did some self-development intellectual things, started to work out. After few months of this hard work, i tried to meet somebody new and failed terribly. I was on 5 dates with different girls and was rejected by single one of them. Each rejection killed my confidence until it disappeared completely. Each rejection became another memory that haunt me everywhere and make me cringe in pain. It seems like the experience with my ex was some kind of unique miracle that will never repeat in my life. I cant decide should i accept that i wont ever have success with girls i like again or should i keep hitting the wall and exhausting myself, until i will be completely crazy and mad person, getting full mental after some final rejection? People say things like "the more times you feel rejection the more you become apathetic towards it" - this is wrong! The each rejection i had hurt me more than previous one. It has some strange increasing effect for me. Can anybody relate or give some advice? Maybe wait until you feel stronger to date. At the moment any rejection is going to crucify you so remove yourself from that. I agree with your post. I don't think I will get over years of constantly being rejected, so for the moment I am living a life with not the remote possibility of finding another partner. I am a few years short of 50 so the chances of me finding that person is incredibly slim. So I will concentrate of other things in my life that keep my heart beating my hobbies and self reflection. I have been doing reading on myself and will start to go to co-dependency group meetings so try to understand why so much of my partner choices is based on a subconscious self loathing. Maybe for you you need some time out from trying to be in a relationship. You need to be at your best. For me that's what I will do. And if I spend the next 30 years alone so be it. I do get weary when people say that after being heartbroken 'you will meet someone else.' This is not altogether true. It's like saying to someone who has had a hysterectomy that they will get pregnant. All we can do is seek internal comfort for ourselves so we are not so wretched that we want to end our lives. 2
SycamoreCircle Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 OP, how old are you? I'm 38 and most of my twenties were spent alone. I had the worst time with women. They never seemed interested. Now, I would say the opposite is true. I've been on hundreds of dates. It really is a numbers game. Take none of it personally. If you treat people well, if you take care of yourself, if you have dreams and desires, you can attract someone. Looks, money, charisma---all of that stuff is decoration. Give yourself time. Be patient. Focus on making your life the best it can be. Enrich your life as best you can. People will be attracted to you. With time and maturity, you'll begin to see the possibility for meaningful relationships. 4
Satu Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Maybe wait until you feel stronger to date. At the moment any rejection is going to crucify you so remove yourself from that. I agree with your post. I don't think I will get over years of constantly being rejected, so for the moment I am living a life with not the remote possibility of finding another partner. I am a few years short of 50 so the chances of me finding that person is incredibly slim. So I will concentrate of other things in my life that keep my heart beating my hobbies and self reflection. I have been doing reading on myself and will start to go to co-dependency group meetings so try to understand why so much of my partner choices is based on a subconscious self loathing. Maybe for you you need some time out from trying to be in a relationship. You need to be at your best. For me that's what I will do. And if I spend the next 30 years alone so be it. I do get weary when people say that after being heartbroken 'you will meet someone else.' This is not altogether true. It's like saying to someone who has had a hysterectomy that they will get pregnant. All we can do is seek internal comfort for ourselves so we are not so wretched that we want to end our lives. There's truth in what you say. I do believe though, that we can find the way to the peace and harmony inside ourselves, and have a life that is fulfilling with or without a 'significant other.' There's nothing that proves that single people can't be happy. Many are. 2
Cedar27 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 (edited) Is it even possible to move on? You don't know until you try, and if you fail, try again. The only time you will have the true answer to your question is when you are on your death bed. Until then just accept life, accept yourself, and be open to loving someone else again. Edited January 11, 2015 by Cedar27 2
Author mefisto Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 (edited) >Nobody can heal you but yourself. Why do i still see people get healed by others then? >Another person can love you and make you feel happy and fulfilled, but they can't heal you. Thats what i need. Its much easier to heal yourself when you are happy and fulfilled. But girls will not give it to me. >Even a therapist can't heal you.They just hold your hand and encourage you while you heal yourself I cant even afford therapy anymore. Nobody will encourage me. Its so hard to through it all by yourself. >Maybe wait until you feel stronger to date. At the moment any rejection is going to crucify you so remove yourself from that. Its been 6 months already. How long do i need to wait? I don't feel like time will make me stronger. >I don't think I will get over years of constantly being rejected, so for the moment I am living a life with not the remote possibility of finding another partner. I am a few years short of 50 so the chances of me finding that person is incredibly slim. So I will concentrate of other things in my life that keep my heart beating my hobbies and self reflection. I have been doing reading on myself and will start to go to co-dependency group meetings so try to understand why so much of my partner choices is based on a subconscious self loathing. May i ask you, how many relationships you had and how many rejections exactly? >I do get weary when people say that after being heartbroken 'you will meet someone else.' Attractive and successful people really do meet someone else very fast. People like me lose all the confidence, which was not much in the first place, after being dumped and can't meet anyone anymore. >All we can do is seek internal comfort for ourselves so we are not so wretched that we want to end our lives. How one should seek internal comfort, when there are so many memories of failures inside the mind? I have read the good book "The power of now", it helped me a little, but effect disappeared shortly. Then i read it again and same story, effect lasts maximum for few days. >OP, how old are you? I'm 38 and most of my twenties were spent alone. I had the worst time with women. They never seemed interested. Now, I would say the opposite is true. Im 22. Im glad for your success, but it seems very sad that some men have to wait all their prime age of youth, when sexual drive is at highest peak, to middle-age. There is not guarantee that i will live long enough to be at your age. I might die even before 30s. So im wasting all the romantic opportunities at my best age, while majority of my peers having girlfriends without a pause. >I've been on hundreds of dates. I suggest that all of these dates were with women of age 30+. Dont you feel bad because you missed all the fun of being with 20s girls? Edited January 11, 2015 by mefisto
Simon Phoenix Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 >I've been on hundreds of dates. I suggest that all of these dates were with women of age 30+. Dont you feel bad because you missed all the fun of being with 20s girls? If he's anything like me, then your suggestion is pretty wildly off base. I'm in my 30s and its very easy to meet and date girls in their 20s ... and 30s ... and 40s. 1
preraph Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Bad experiences of any kind can change who you are forever, but there comes a time you have to use your inner strength and willpower and self-discipline to move on even when you aren't feeling like it. You sometimes literally have to build a new life on a crumbled foundation. But you can do it. 1
ballycastle Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Is it even possible to move on? You don't know until you try, and if you fail, try again. The only time you will have the true answer to your question is when you are on your death bed. Until then just accept life, accept yourself, and be open to loving someone else again. Absolutely. Who knows being single might be the best thing that ever happened to us. When I am with friends most of the time they are complaining about their partners not making them happy. Relationships are really hard work. We should take this time however lonely and boring it is to be thankful we don't have to consider another person. The relationship I had before the last one it was exhausting each weekend trying to find something for us to do when sometimes I didn't want to do anything at all. Now I can do what ever I want. Sometimes when we are down we think couples are having a wonderful time being couples when they are probably yearning to not have to be responsible for someone else. 2
Satu Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Thats what i need. Its much easier to heal yourself when you are happy and fulfilled. But girls will not give it to me. They won't give it to you because they can't. They just don't have that power. You have to do it yourself. Or not.
ponchsox Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Yes, and you will be a better person because of it. Life is all about picking yourself up and becoming stronger. Right after a breakup our mind is overwhelmed with sadness, like a strong drug. It will control your thoughts and actions until you heal yourself. Soon, you will look back and chuckle.
elaine567 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 [quote=mefisto;6101135 After it happened, i decided to try to build new life for me. I restored some contacts with old friends, did some self-development intellectual things, started to work out. After few months of this hard work, i tried to meet somebody new and failed terribly. I was on 5 dates with different girls and was rejected by single one of them. Each rejection killed my confidence until it disappeared completely. Each rejection became another memory that haunt me everywhere and make me cringe in pain. It seems like the experience with my ex was some kind of unique miracle that will never repeat in my life. As others have said it is a numbers game, when people are young, they reject people on a whim, "I don't like his hair.", "I like blue eyes", " I like men with beards", stuff that makes no sense at all, when choosing a potential life partner... 5 dates is nothing, 5 people in this whole world, didn't want to date you... big deal. If you were as depressed sounding as you are just now, why would they want to date you? Your ex dumped you, why on earth would you want her? She is not worth putting on a pedestal. You have to get rid of this negativity, no-one likes negative people, until you learn to love yourself, then no-one will love you. 1
Author mefisto Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 (edited) They won't give it to you because they can't. Yes, they can, i know it because i have felt myself and saw it in other boys. Bad experiences of any kind can change who you are forever, but there comes a time you have to use your inner strength and willpower and self-discipline to move on even when you aren't feeling like it. You sometimes literally have to build a new life on a crumbled foundation. But you can do it. Great post! I dont have any inner strength and willpower at the moment, but im hoping i will gain it one day. Can you share some experience? Absolutely. Who knows being single might be the best thing that ever happened to us. When I am with friends most of the time they are complaining about their partners not making them happy. Relationships are really hard work. We should take this time however lonely and boring it is to be thankful we don't have to consider another person. The relationship I had before the last one it was exhausting each weekend trying to find something for us to do when sometimes I didn't want to do anything at all. Now I can do what ever I want. Sometimes when we are down we think couples are having a wonderful time being couples when they are probably yearning to not have to be responsible for someone else. I see your point, it makes sense. But being forcibly single for years, without any intimacy and sex, is affecting person in very negative way, dont you think? Especially when almost everybody around the person having somebody to be intimate with. Edited January 12, 2015 by mefisto
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