giselles Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 I am recovering from a breakup about 2 weeks ago. We were together 9 months. I was hoping we could reconcile until a few days ago when I discovered he had been researching a sex tour of Thailand a few days before our breakup. (Old computer search...) When we started dating he said he copped to sleeping with prostitutes in Thailand over the years when he was single. I was morally opposed to this and almost didn't date him as a result but he swore up and down that he hadn't done it in a few years because it eventually made him feel bad. I know there is no hope of reconciliation because his returning interest in sex with prostitutes (many of whom are underage, trafficked, enslaved, etc.) makes me sick to my stomach. I have the mindset to recover and move on. But any tips on how I can develop the "heart-set"? How can I heal the emotional wound of discovering this? Do I stop thinking of any good times we had together? I don't want to emotionally backslide...
NopeNah Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 I know there is no hope of reconciliation because his returning interest in sex with prostitutes (many of whom are underage, trafficked, enslaved, etc.) makes me sick to my stomach. . Easy! I watched a documentary on these guys..dr's,lawyer's,family men,ect.. Was disgusting! I actually couldn't finish the show and turned it off. 1
Light Breeze Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I have the mindset to recover and move on. But any tips on how I can develop the "heart-set"? How can I heal the emotional wound of discovering this? Do I stop thinking of any good times we had together? I don't want to emotionally backslide... First of all implement the No Contact rule. Block calls, texts, emails, social media. Don't attempt or reject any attempt to communicate. What you're feeling will fade with the elimination of stimuli associated with the heartbreak, it's kinda scientific. Second, to heal the emotional wound you have to accept that you have no control on what others do and feel, you can control only yours. This is not your fault therefore you don't have to blame yourself about it. It takes a lot if strength and mental validation but it can be done. If you have access to counselling, then I suggest go for it. Emotional trauma arising from delicate moral issues is best treated by professionals. Post here, people genuinely want to help.
Author giselles Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 Thank you Praying4Daylight and Light Breeze! Your replies are a balm on my tears. Any encouragement to stand strong and feel good about myself is useful. I know that I have to "cut" this loss in a way that is more extreme than break ups in my past. I am repulsed that he would even contemplate returning to these activities.
seminoles84 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Whoa sounds like a disgusting human. Glad you are out of this situation cause I feel like there would be no doubt he'd pull this crap further down the road whether in a committed relationship or not. He would have gotten bored and gone back to his vices. Sick bastarrrd! 1
srah Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 (edited) I am so sorry you had to find this out. Better to know now than months (or even years!) down the road. Edited January 12, 2015 by srah
Author giselles Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 I am struggling tonight with memories and thoughts of this guy as a "nice" human being. He did adjust his behavior in various ways during the relationship to make me happier. How to block all of these thoughts? How to stay focused on his moral incompatibilities? The discovery of this new information clearly marks him as not a long-term prospect nor anyone I would want to get involved with in the first place if I had known the truth? How to reconcile the good memories with the awful truths??
dyna85 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 You can't block the thoughts. Let 'em flow. Also, no one knows who a person is 'til they know, so there's nothing you could have done to forecast this. It was obviously meant to be that you came across that information at this time. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing aligns perfectly in this world so you can't blame yourself for not knowing. The positive thoughts are there because he is an imperfect human being. Flawed, troubled, yes. But still human, and worthy of being cared for by others. So there is nothing to be ashamed of in still reminiscing and having a spot for him in your heart. You shared memories together. Those cannot be erased, as painful as the flashbacks may be, particularly when you're trying to move past it all. You will get through this but there is no easy solution for working through the pain.
Light Breeze Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Giselles, I think this is more of an issue about you blaming yourself for not seeing who he truly was. Like I said earlier this is not your fault. Don't kick yourself for not knowing his proclivities, we're human and we make mistakes in judging people, especially those who we love. Also, accept that people aren't perfect they often stumble. You're ex may have this serious moral issue but I'm betting he isn't all that bad to you. Focus on that and remind yourself that you broke it off because of moral incompatibilities and nothing more. There would be happy and sad memories always but that's in the past now, leave it there. Don't focus on him, this is the time for self love.
SycamoreCircle Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 I think some people when offered the prospect of a healthy relationship are able to conform to the expectations of that relationship. For a while. Then immaturity creeps back in. There was something in your ex that prompted him to want to give a real relationship a chance. Maybe he has friends that are healthy couples. For whatever reason, he couldn't hack it. He may never be able to hack it. In the end, know that the vacuous adventures he is seeking have nothing to do with you. You are real. The love you feel for him is real. One day when it doesn't matter to you anymore, he will realize this. 1
CarrieT Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 How to reconcile the good memories with the awful truths?? Learn that every person who does bad things also has good within them. It does not need be so polarized that just because a person engages in a questionable activity means that every part of them is reprehensible. A KKK member might save puppies, a serial murderer might help an elderly person across the street, and even the Nazis developed the best welfare program with their Winter Relief program. You loved a person for what you saw that was good in him. It doesn't mean that you are a bad person for finding something in that person that was worth loving. He must have had some positive attributes even if he does something that you deem bad. 1
BC1980 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 People come in shades of grey. I think we often want to paint people as good or bad because it's easier. We don't have to think about it very deeply if we can say a person is simply reprehensible, case close, there is no good in there. Even my ex, who was probably a narcissist and was terrible at times, had some good in him. I saw something good and human manifest itself at times, and I had a very hard time detaching from him due to those memories. I think you have to realize that if the good isn't consistent, then it's not healthy, and you deserve more. Also important is to realize that some beliefs and proclivities are so bad that no amount of good can offset it. Something I learned the hard way is that people can do a lot of things that make them appear to be good (giving to charities, giving you gifts, saying all the right things), but, once you see what's on the inside, they aren't the best people. They aren't respectful, empathetic, caring people, so something is broken at their core. All of these truths are hard to reconcile. At least, I had great difficulty come to terms with all of it. 1
Author giselles Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 It's a real feeling of cognitive dissonance. I know he invested in me more than any other girlfriend he's ever had. We are in our late 30s and we were both approaching this relationship with the intention of looking for someone to settle down with. I have the feeling he was trying to be a "better" person for me. It breaks my heart that he is returning to these destructive ways. I know that I can't stop him or save him. But it's like watching a former heroin addict relapse. Except (to me) this is much worse than drugs because he is harming other human beings. Has anyone ever dealt with a similar situation?
CALOVELY Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 It's a real feeling of cognitive dissonance. I know he invested in me more than any other girlfriend he's ever had. We are in our late 30s and we were both approaching this relationship with the intention of looking for someone to settle down with. I have the feeling he was trying to be a "better" person for me. It breaks my heart that he is returning to these destructive ways. I know that I can't stop him or save him. But it's like watching a former heroin addict relapse. Except (to me) this is much worse than drugs because he is harming other human beings. Has anyone ever dealt with a similar situation? He paid to rape children and other sex slaves. If you keep that in the forefront of your mind, it becomes much easier to forget the "good" in the relationship. 1
CarrieT Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Has anyone ever dealt with a similar situation? Yep. The relationship that brought me to this site in 2008 was with a man who was *very* destructive; admitted relationships with prostitutes in Panama, drug and alcohol abuse, etc. He tried to live a cleaner life with me but immediately upon our break-up, he booked a flight to Panama and - shortly thereafter - was admitted to a very expensive rehab. When we were together, we traveled the world and lived a life of opulence and wealth. By all accounts (family and friends), this Ex of mine is still living in a halfway house and gets a stipend from the city for meals. You can't fix people. They have to live the life they want to live. 1
Author giselles Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 He paid to rape children and other sex slaves. If you keep that in the forefront of your mind, it becomes much easier to forget the "good" in the relationship. Thank you for this. I may print this and paste it on my door to look at every time I leave my house...or maybe I can tape it to my mirror and say it out loud to myself whenever I have any doubts. 1
Seeker12 Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 I think you may need to report him to the police if someone hasnt already mentioned that, what he has done is outright pedophilia.
Author giselles Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 I really want to!!! How would I report it? He is a foreign national so I know he would be deported. How much evidence do I need? Does anybody know?
Author giselles Posted January 14, 2015 Author Posted January 14, 2015 Just wondering if anyone else has stumbled upon a difficult discovery like this before: post-breakup or maybe leading to a break-up?
bigtrouble Posted January 14, 2015 Posted January 14, 2015 It's a real feeling of cognitive dissonance. I know he invested in me more than any other girlfriend he's ever had. We are in our late 30s and we were both approaching this relationship with the intention of looking for someone to settle down with. I have the feeling he was trying to be a "better" person for me. It breaks my heart that he is returning to these destructive ways. I know that I can't stop him or save him. But it's like watching a former heroin addict relapse. Except (to me) this is much worse than drugs because he is harming other human beings. Has anyone ever dealt with a similar situation? This is tough, Go NC and remember him as a man you used to know who fell out of grace and pray for his deliverance, that's bout the best you can do. That kind of thing takes root and grows on a person till he gets old, its sick true...I'm not saying he can't change but he needs professional help... 1
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