Aint_Easy Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 This is a serious question and I think it'd be pretty rad if we can get an honest conversation going. I was in a 5 year relationship with it's own up and downs. We were deeply in love and planned to get married. I mean the girl was more in love with me than I ever was. It was insane how much she loved me. But then my life got really unstable just as her's was changing (new home, new university, new job). I was stressed, depressed, felt like our relationship was failing, and in turn became insecure. She was getting close with a few guys at her new work, and drinking alot more, so in turn I became a bit jealous, a bit insecure, and a bit of an ass. I have no problem admitting in the last two-three weeks of our relationship I was VERY unattractive. I had nothing good to give the relationship, it was a time when I needed her, and her life was too new/chaotic/busy to handle it. We are talking about this girl admitting to me that she only started feeling this way two weeks before breaking up. TWO WEEKS. So of course I got fed the bull**** of "I just view you more as my best friend than my lover." Right that's why we had insane sex 4 days ago before breaking up. Sure as **** a month later her friend tells me that my ex said "I was in love with him, and I still am, it was just too much too soon, I have to find myself without him" So, it's clearly obvious we can blame the break up on loss of attraction, and that's when I got to thinking. I can name about 3 times I lost my attraction towards her. There was once where she was being so difficult and irrational, that I literally thought "I don't know if I love this girl anymore" I was inches away from breaking up with her. A week of hardship and I was ready to break up with her?! Was I crazy?! I was ready to throw away everything we had because of a difficult week?! What an idiot I was. But I thought long and hard and I stuck through it and a month later things got better and I was obsessed with her again. Why is it so hard for people to weather storms? Why do they think love is such an objectified thing that can be thrown and caught so easily? How can you possibly tell someone they are the only person they could ever grow old with, and then bail the moment there is a loss of attraction? Is it thanks to society? I guess now that I've finally realized this is why we broke up, it upsets me greatly. I believe marriages and relationships end too soon, because people don't realize that if they put in the work, they'll more than likely make it past. How do you guys think people can avoid this? 2
Light Breeze Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 That is the 1 million dollar question that has been debated in this forum a lot. I for one would just like to sit back and read the comments. 4
gnick Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 From what I've learned you have to watch for signs of clingyness and over pursuit. When women start getting flaky and you see thier attitude towards you change you have to withdraw your attention.responding to thier increasing indifference by pursuing them harder just causes thier attraction to plummet. Unfortunately I'M all to familiar with this. 2
Jimmyjackson Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 I did the same thing with my ex, and I know that it was part of the reason for the break up - it wasn't all her fault alone. I look back now and I regret it, I can now see how I changed, I went from being this laid back cool boyfriend, to this needy guy who started wanting to spend so much time with her. It was my first relationship so maybe it was always going to happen at some point, the longer we went on the deeper I got and the roles kinda reversed with us. Although I regret it, and if done again I would do it differently, it has taught me a valuable lesson for the future. Loss of attraction will always kill relationships, put yourself in the dumpers shoes. If your partner is needy and possessive with you, and insecure in themselves you're going to feel you have too much responsibility. It is harsh when someone loses attraction and goes, it doesn't mean their attraction for you in the past wasn't real, because it was...it just changed. It would be worse for someone to string you along and stay with you if their feelings had changed, you might think the dumper is evil and all of this but what choice do they have really? Call them selfish but they have to look out for their own interests too. I missed the red flags myself, but I won't the next time around. 1
Author Aint_Easy Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 From what I've learned you have to watch for signs of clingyness and over pursuit. When women start getting flaky and you see thier attitude towards you change you have to withdraw your attention.responding to thier increasing indifference by pursuing them harder just causes thier attraction to plummet. Unfortunately I'M all to familiar with this. But the point is, if every single person on this planet bailed when a loss of attraction begins, love wouldn't even be able to exist. My ex left me within "around two week" of loss of attraction. She gave up everything that we shared, years of work, all because she suddenly didn't feel attraction even though again, 5 days before we broke up we had one hell of a night if you catch my drift. I know her point of view. I went through it. I literally had a time where I held her hand and felt nothing. I genuinely wondered for three days if I should break up with her, all because I had a week of loss of attraction. I look back on it and want to slap myself for even considering leaving the love we shared over that. It would have been the biggest regret of my life. I'm a very rational decision maker and I think long and hard about big decisions. I expected her to do the same and I'm shocked at how many people do this.
Els Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 I don't think the issue here is 'loss of attraction' so much so as the instant gratification mentality, of thinking that everything has to be 100% perfect all the time. I once saw a quote from an older person, that summed it up best: "Back in my day, when something was broken, we tried to fix it instead of throwing it away and buying a new one the next day." Unfortunately I think modern Western culture, while it does have its good sides, has the disadvantage of advocating this mentality. Lots of things are instant, at our fingertips, and people start to expect that of everything. However a partner is not a 'thing' that is meant to satisfy our every need at the snap of a finger, and thus relationships break down when people apply this same mentality to them. 10
sober and dry Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 "Back in my day, when something was broken, we tried to fix it instead of throwing it away and buying a new one the next day." Unfortunately I think modern Western culture, while it does have its good sides, has the disadvantage of advocating this mentality. Lots of things are instant, at our fingertips, and people start to expect that of everything. However a partner is not a 'thing' that is meant to satisfy our every need at the snap of a finger, and thus relationships break down when people apply this same mentality to them. No more no less, I'm from the same thinking line of trying to fix broken things, but well things are not that way anymore. Let's be real, RS are not exactly that simple, but sure it suffers from that "instantaneous" some what.
FixItCris Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 From what I've learned you have to watch for signs of clingyness and over pursuit. When women start getting flaky and you see thier attitude towards you change you have to withdraw your attention.responding to thier increasing indifference by pursuing them harder just causes thier attraction to plummet. Unfortunately I'M all to familiar with this. Wish I'd read this a few months ago! Makes total sense, but then hindsight is 20/20
Kevin_D Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 From what I've learned you have to watch for signs of clingyness and over pursuit. When women start getting flaky and you see thier attitude towards you change you have to withdraw your attention.responding to thier increasing indifference by pursuing them harder just causes thier attraction to plummet. Unfortunately I'M all to familiar with this. This is what ruins my life. I've always been a cynic. I don't believe that love is some kind of magical force that conquers all. I believe we are all robots. We gather information, process it and make decisions. Free will is just an illusion. If the information we have gathered tells us that our partner will not be a good mother/father, the love will fade away and we will look for a replacement. Yet every time I meet a new woman, she tries so hard to convince me how special I am, that we were meant to be, yada yada yada... And after a few years, I start to believe her. And it feels so great... I can cry in front of her. I can tell her about all my fears. And then she dumps me, telling me that she has fallen out of love. Well... I have a new girlfriend and she's head over heels in love. She tells me how special I am and fantasizes about getting married and having kids with me. But I don't get happy when she tells me these things. I just think to myself: "Yeah, sure. Let's see if you'll feel the same way 5 years from now". 3
CC12 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 So, it's clearly obvious we can blame the break up on loss of attraction, I don't think it's as obvious as you think it is. I think there's a real possibility that she could have still been attracted to you (as evidenced by the insane sex you mentioned having just days before the breakup) and that there were other reasons for her ending it. Maybe your behavior in the weeks preceding the breakup was so difficult for her that she never wanted to be in a position to deal with it again, or maybe you did unforgivable things. I obviously don't know the details, so this is just speculation based on your admission that you were "a bit of an ass." But you probably wanted this to be less about your breakup and more about a discussion on this: Why is it so hard for people to weather storms? When there is a general loss of attraction in a relationship, it makes it so much easier to recognize red flags that we may have ignored or dismissed before, because we were completely, totally infatuated with each other and passion made our brains not function at their best. It's like the fog is lifted and suddenly we can clearly see that our partner chews too loudly, or is rude to waitstaff, or hates dogs, or we fight too much and have different goals in life, or whatever.
Author Aint_Easy Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 Wow. Wonderful insight CC12. Just to respond to your thought. I genuinely believe it was life that got in the way. New life, seeing each other less, her new found freedom after living in a restricted home for 21 years, her getting a taste of what going out and "being single" involves, she started making way more money than she ever had, or I as well, due to her part time job, blah blah blah blah. From mutual friends she acting very erratic, very cocky, very "single". So maybe the things she said to me that I thought were a loss of attraction were really just her thinking her life is going way better than mine and she can do better? I will admit she is immature when it comes to life experience, so this didn't surprise me too much. But I digress. Point is, I completely agree with you, but When there is a general loss of attraction in a relationship, it makes it so much easier to recognize red flags that we may have ignored or dismissed before, I'm going to say instead of ignored or dismissed, I think it is red flags are created. When I started to get a loss of attraction from her I was suddenly annoyed at so many little things. I got mad at her constantly, I focused on all these little things to justify my thoughts. Looking back on it, I feel like an idiot for even considering those things as solid reasons to break up. It all just boggles my mind how easily we can convince ourselves we are not in love when we still truly are.
Author Aint_Easy Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 Wish I could PM you but the system still won't let me. I am 24 she is 22. She was always more emotionally mature than I was, I mean she literally taught me how to love. She was amazing. The purest heart, strong, and so capable of love. She was always so willingly to work on the relationship. But I was more.. worldly mature? I guess you could say? Because she was so sheltered and I was very free, I had a great deal of experience that she did not. I think this new freedom just punched her straight in the face and she doesn't know how to handle it, because the girl I hear about through mutual friends, sounds like an an emotionally immature child. Example: She always loved valentine's day. I would always go all out for her. Today she was with our friend and apparently when she saw valentine's day stuff she said "BLEHHH valentine's day disgusting mushy mushy **** out of here hahaha"
No Limit Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 When people start to use their brains and think of what they want in life, what they want in their partner and what they don't need. Of course most also need to get reality-checked regarding their expectations, others simply have to cut their greed down in order not to jump into bed with whoever drives past with the nicer car. Doesn't really matter in your case though. She cheated and is now testing the other men she saw lately.
Kevin_D Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 It's like the fog is lifted and suddenly we can clearly see that our partner chews too loudly, or is rude to waitstaff, or hates dogs, or we fight too much and have different goals in life, or whatever. Not really. This usually happens after a year or two, not five. Of course there are exceptions, but I would say that in most cases among younger people, loss of attraction is the big relationship killer. 1. Relationship becomes stale and boring. You are best friends, but the spark just isn't there anymore. 2. She will most likely become more outgoing. Guys will start hitting on her. She will feel "alive" again. 3. Eventually, she will fall in love with one of these guys. 4. She will feel guilt. Why does she feel this way? She should be focusing on her relationship instead! 5. This is when it happens. It has happened to me twice and I'm pretty sure this is the most common reason dumpees claim that they were dumped "out of the blue": She will start having sex with you much more frequently. According to my research, this is very common. Is it because... ...her feelings for the new guy makes her more interested in sex again? ...she desperately tries to save the relationship? ...it gives her the feeling of having the upper hand in the relationship, which makes breaking up easier? I don't know. Perhaps it's a combination. And one day, she becomes tired of feeling guilt, and realises that if she really lover her partner, she would fantasize about somebody else during sex. In her mind, she has tried everything to save the relationship. But nothing has changed, and her feelings for the other guy just doesn't seem to go away. But the dumpee is caught completely off-guard: "What? She wants to leave me NOW? Last weekend we had sex 10 times and she told me how much she loved me". 1
STM206 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 I don't think the issue here is 'loss of attraction' so much so as the instant gratification mentality, of thinking that everything has to be 100% perfect all the time. I once saw a quote from an older person, that summed it up best: "Back in my day, when something was broken, we tried to fix it instead of throwing it away and buying a new one the next day." Unfortunately I think modern Western culture, while it does have its good sides, has the disadvantage of advocating this mentality. Lots of things are instant, at our fingertips, and people start to expect that of everything. However a partner is not a 'thing' that is meant to satisfy our every need at the snap of a finger, and thus relationships break down when people apply this same mentality to them. BINGO. People find it too easy to just throw away and start over with something/someone new. Usually those people are just met with "disappointment after disappointment" again and again.
kendahke Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 This is a serious question and I think it'd be pretty rad if we can get an honest conversation going. I was in a 5 year relationship with it's own up and downs. We were deeply in love and planned to get married. I mean the girl was more in love with me than I ever was. It was insane how much she loved me. But then my life got really unstable just as her's was changing (new home, new university, new job). I was stressed, depressed, felt like our relationship was failing, and in turn became insecure. She was getting close with a few guys at her new work, and drinking alot more, so in turn I became a bit jealous, a bit insecure, and a bit of an ass. I have no problem admitting in the last two-three weeks of our relationship I was VERY unattractive. I had nothing good to give the relationship, it was a time when I needed her, and her life was too new/chaotic/busy to handle it. We are talking about this girl admitting to me that she only started feeling this way two weeks before breaking up. TWO WEEKS. So of course I got fed the bull**** of "I just view you more as my best friend than my lover." Right that's why we had insane sex 4 days ago before breaking up. Sure as **** a month later her friend tells me that my ex said "I was in love with him, and I still am, it was just too much too soon, I have to find myself without him" So, it's clearly obvious we can blame the break up on loss of attraction, and that's when I got to thinking. I can name about 3 times I lost my attraction towards her. There was once where she was being so difficult and irrational, that I literally thought "I don't know if I love this girl anymore" I was inches away from breaking up with her. A week of hardship and I was ready to break up with her?! Was I crazy?! I was ready to throw away everything we had because of a difficult week?! What an idiot I was. But I thought long and hard and I stuck through it and a month later things got better and I was obsessed with her again. Why is it so hard for people to weather storms? Why do they think love is such an objectified thing that can be thrown and caught so easily? How can you possibly tell someone they are the only person they could ever grow old with, and then bail the moment there is a loss of attraction? Is it thanks to society? I guess now that I've finally realized this is why we broke up, it upsets me greatly. I believe marriages and relationships end too soon, because people don't realize that if they put in the work, they'll more than likely make it past. How do you guys think people can avoid this? I think it's more than loss of attraction on her part. I think that it's the attention she's getting from guys who she perceives as having their life together more than you do that's contributing to this. It takes discipline to stick with people and weather events in life and one hopes that the person they throw in with is mature enough to do that, but alas! many people are not mature enough or disciplined enough to undertake the rigors of commitment.
Author Aint_Easy Posted January 12, 2015 Author Posted January 12, 2015 (edited) one of the things I find baffling on this forum is your guy's bitterness. Literally everywhere I go I see people constantly assuming that the ONLY way a person can leave is if there is another guy/girl. No, we didn't start having more sex, nor less. Not sound like an ass, but I'm pretty physically appealing. Just because I became a bit insecure and jealous doesn't mean I didn't know how to please her anymore. I could still physically drive that girl wild and she would still compliment me and all that stuff. Why do you guys find the concept of someone who has NEVER been single, never been out in bars, never seen that lifestyle, just simply wanting to "live that single life" so hard to grasp? I don't blame her too much. When I wanted to leave her, there was no other girl in my life, I just simply wondered if I was missing out on other girls. I think it's more than loss of attraction on her part. I think that it's the attention she's getting from guys who she perceives as having their life together more than you do that's contributing to this. It takes discipline to stick with people and weather events in life and one hopes that the person they throw in with is mature enough to do that, but alas! many people are not mature enough or disciplined enough to undertake the rigors of commitment. Now this. this I can agree with. This sounds pretty damn spot on as when I thought of leaving her, I'll admit it was older, more "set in life" girls at bars that were making me wonder. The problem with that is, if I had broken up with her, I would have realized that I left the love of my life for something superficial. It is sad. It really is. Edited January 12, 2015 by Aint_Easy
Holmes85 Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 This is a serious question and I think it'd be pretty rad if we can get an honest conversation going. I was in a 5 year relationship with it's own up and downs. We were deeply in love and planned to get married. I mean the girl was more in love with me than I ever was. It was insane how much she loved me. But then my life got really unstable just as her's was changing (new home, new university, new job). I was stressed, depressed, felt like our relationship was failing, and in turn became insecure. She was getting close with a few guys at her new work, and drinking alot more, so in turn I became a bit jealous, a bit insecure, and a bit of an ass. I have no problem admitting in the last two-three weeks of our relationship I was VERY unattractive. I had nothing good to give the relationship, it was a time when I needed her, and her life was too new/chaotic/busy to handle it. We are talking about this girl admitting to me that she only started feeling this way two weeks before breaking up. TWO WEEKS. So of course I got fed the bull**** of "I just view you more as my best friend than my lover." Right that's why we had insane sex 4 days ago before breaking up. Sure as **** a month later her friend tells me that my ex said "I was in love with him, and I still am, it was just too much too soon, I have to find myself without him" So, it's clearly obvious we can blame the break up on loss of attraction, and that's when I got to thinking. I can name about 3 times I lost my attraction towards her. There was once where she was being so difficult and irrational, that I literally thought "I don't know if I love this girl anymore" I was inches away from breaking up with her. A week of hardship and I was ready to break up with her?! Was I crazy?! I was ready to throw away everything we had because of a difficult week?! What an idiot I was. But I thought long and hard and I stuck through it and a month later things got better and I was obsessed with her again. Why is it so hard for people to weather storms? Why do they think love is such an objectified thing that can be thrown and caught so easily? How can you possibly tell someone they are the only person they could ever grow old with, and then bail the moment there is a loss of attraction? Is it thanks to society? I guess now that I've finally realized this is why we broke up, it upsets me greatly. I believe marriages and relationships end too soon, because people don't realize that if they put in the work, they'll more than likely make it past. How do you guys think people can avoid this? Aint_Easy, This is my personal opinion on the matter. Many people have unrealistic expectations about love. Most people want to enjoy the best parts of the relationship and don't want to see a sight of something bad. They always want the next big thing. The moment they start to see a problem, they jump ships and begin the adventure a new. Many immature people want to be in a relationship, just for the sake of being in a relationship, they don't really know what a relationship truly means (can't blame them, they were never taught), people just want the good bits of the relationship, not the responsibity with it. Just an example: many want the romance, the sex...but they would avoid it at all costs being pregnant, because they want to enjoy life, they are too young, life holds so much more to them. The reality is that the relationship is a "commitment", when you are married or in a relationship, you should be committed to the person you love. Each person takes responsibility for the other, because the relationship starts with two people and not just one. Sadly the media and those overblown Hollywood romance movies has given us a taste of what relationships should be like, they are selling us a fantasy, not a reality. You might see many threads here, when one of the partner is bored and looks for excitement somewhere else or a new and exciting opportunity presents itself and they jump on to the opportunity. When a guy or a girl starts caring too much about their partner, you know what todays society telld them "gheez! look at that, so pathetic, what a doormatt, I can't be someone who is like this, I want someone who has there own life besides me, I want someone exciting" hence the new adventure begins and years later, it reaches the same phase as the previous one and you an expect what happens next. As long as people don't appreciate what they have, start looking at others and make themselves miserable, follow other peoples trends, they are never going to be happy and content. The feeling of being happy and content comes from within, not from outside, its like a saying "if you stand for nothing, you would fall for everything". 2
Author Aint_Easy Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 bumping it up for a genuine discussion. it's good for us to focus on this I believe. Distracts us a bit from our actual break up.
CALOVELY Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 (edited) one of the things I find baffling on this forum is your guy's bitterness. Literally everywhere I go I see people constantly assuming that the ONLY way a person can leave is if there is another guy/girl. No, we didn't start having more sex, nor less. Not sound like an ass, but I'm pretty physically appealing. Just because I became a bit insecure and jealous doesn't mean I didn't know how to please her anymore. I could still physically drive that girl wild and she would still compliment me and all that stuff. Why do you guys find the concept of someone who has NEVER been single, never been out in bars, never seen that lifestyle, just simply wanting to "live that single life" so hard to grasp? I don't blame her too much. When I wanted to leave her, there was no other girl in my life, I just simply wondered if I was missing out on other girls. Now this. this I can agree with. This sounds pretty damn spot on as when I thought of leaving her, I'll admit it was older, more "set in life" girls at bars that were making me wonder. The problem with that is, if I had broken up with her, I would have realized that I left the love of my life for something superficial. It is sad. It really is. Actually, the general rule of thought here on Loveshack is this only applies to women. If a woman leaves it must be because she is cheating and has another man waiting in the wings. There is no other reason for a woman leaving other than her being a cheater. The reality is very different and women leave relationships for the same reasons men do, they are not fulfilled. As for attraction, in all relationships this will ebb and flow and it usually happens at different times for each partner in the relationship. Some will see this as a sign the relationship is not working and leave while others will see that this is natural in most long term relationships and realize this. There is nothing wrong with getting out of a relationship because the person wants to be single and live the single life. There is honesty in that, as they do not want to be committed to someone and leave it instead of dragging their partner along under a false premise. Edited January 13, 2015 by CALOVELY
carhill Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 When will loss of attraction stop killing relationships? IMO, never, whether the result being a breakup or continuance as a relationship of convenience. Attraction is the glue which delineates romantic relationships from friendships and business partnerships. Each person decides what attraction is to them and how it feels so there are billions of opportunities for similarities and differences. It's certainly possible for a relationship to survive lack of attraction. Anything is possible.
EuTuBrute Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I don't think loss of attraction is the main killer. Its commitment My ex gf broke up with me after 2.5 years. I ended up getting back with her a year later. We got back back together hot and heavy (which proves that attraction was always there). I asked her what made us break up. She said it was commitment. We were at the stage of our relationship, where marriage was the next step. Our second romance only lasted 6 months. The attraction was there, the commitment was not. Sadly our generation cant commit to anything anymore, there will always be the thought of greener grass.
Author Aint_Easy Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 There is nothing wrong with getting out of a relationship because the person wants to be single and live the single life. There is honesty in that, as they do not want to be committed to someone and leave it instead of dragging their partner along under a false premise. you make a vaild point. So are you implying even if I left the relationship without someone there, I would have desperately looked for someone to at least have someone there to talk to? My ex didn't leave me for someone else, but I will admit I'm sure she has gotten closer and closer to her coworker to avoid being alone. Hell, I'll admit I'm doing the same damn thing too. I have a girl friend who I am completely platonic with, but have been spending so much time with her to avoid being alone. also, is there really nothing wrong with bailing on a wonderful relationship where you are deeply in love just to be single? is it really that innocent to plan a future together, to live and breathe together, to be each other's rocks, and then bail on that only to be single? 3 weeks before we broke up she was asking me which engagement ring I liked best and how much I'd be willing to spend. 2 weeks before we broke up we were talking about where we'd like to live once we graduate. and then boom. "don't you ever just want to be at the bar single? just do whatever you want?"
Author Aint_Easy Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 I asked her what made us break up. She said it was commitment. We were at the stage of our relationship, where marriage was the next step. why was marriage the next step? my ex and I were together for 4.5 years. marriage was the next step for 1.5 years, but we didn't want to until we graduated, so we just continued along with our loving relationship. hmmm.. perhaps in my exes mind it was "I know I want to marry this guy, that is all that's next, perhaps the grass is greener". I suppose I could see that.
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