Allfromabove Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 I have been dating a guy for a little over 3 months now and it was going great! We would talk on the phone every other night for hours, text thru-out the day, make plans to see eachother. On New Years, I spent the weekend over at his place and it was great.. I am pretty sure he was even trying to say he loved me because he kept slipping up and almost saying it, than playing it off like a joke. After New Years, our conversation and everything tanked hard. He stopped texting as much, gave me really short replies, or ignored me all together. I went over to his house a few days ago and spent the night, he basically ignored me the first half of the night. We played around and joked for a while later that night, but it felt different. Something is "off". I asked him what was going on, and he said he was fine and assured me his feelings for me haven't changed but than why are his actions changing?? He just isn't the same guy. He isn't laughing with me as much, or as playful, but he is that way with his friends.. He isn't interested in sex either. I really don't understand how we can go from being totally perfect one weekend, to being so distant and uninterested.
ExpatInItaly Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Hm. If you spoke to him and he assures you it's ok, I'd give him some space for a little bit. I don't mean break up, but don't initiate as much contact. Let him come to you to make plans. In the meantime, don't ask him again what's wrong. It may indeed have nothing to do with you. He may need a but of downtime but doesn't know how to communicate that. Could be any number of reasons. Now, if after a couple weeks he's still distancing himself, I'd let him know you're concerned and that this isn't working for you. Explain that you feel he's pulling away and that you'd like to know if he's still on the same page as you.
angel.eyes Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 One of three possibilities: He's stressed about something and preoccupiedHe's wondering whether you like him as much as he likes you, and whether he might be emotionally investing in someone who doesn't feel the same way about him.He's losing interest and pulling a fade. Is it clear to him that you like him? I ask because of his "accidentally" telling you he loved you several times and then joking it off. How did you respond at the time? Did you share your feelings? Or was he left hanging? It sounds as if he became more distant after that. Is that right?
smackie9 Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 He saw something on social media he didn't like, or suspects something and doesn't know what to think.
Author Allfromabove Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 (edited) To the social media comment: I haven't posted anything, and have been totally honest with him. Idk what he could have seen or found that would make him distance himself from me. And you could be right about him not knowing how I feel... I didn't know how to react, so I laughed it off the first time. The second time and rolled my eyes at him. But I feel as tho I show him I do care quite a bit, by my actions and by the fact I have told him multiple times how much I enjoy seeing him.. What could I do different? I will give him space for now, but with how things are going I really don't want to push the "feelings" thing on him if he's having second thoughts now. I should also add he never said he loved me seriously, it was always as a joke. Example: I asked if he wanted to visit a store with me that had a spinning tunnel called the tunnel of love. He laughed, said I know you love but.. I cut in, he said "babe, it's okay.. I think it's time we said those special words.." And I laughed Edited January 10, 2015 by Allfromabove
Author Allfromabove Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 The first he joked was on the phone before New Years, the second time was on New Years. I laughed and rolled on my eyes because he joked about how he knows I love him so much. Later, I asked him why he always smiles at me when I initiate hugs and affection and he said he would never tell me. Later he said he would tell me at midnight and was being really sweet. Than he said it was because he really likes me and bevause I am beautiful. I told him I really liked him too and kissed him.
angel.eyes Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Okay, I'm voting for door#2. "I enjoy seeing you" isn't even in the same league as "I love you!" I would be emotionally packing up too if I felt we had that much of a disconnect. Since your reactions were to cut him off, laugh at his semi-admission, and roll your eyes, I understand why he probably backed off. Many (most?) guys test the waters to try and gauge where you might be before getting all sappy and vulnerable and sharing that they love you. If you don't mind sharing, how old are you? 2
A O Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Hate to say it, but a new player may have come his way! On a different note, geez, whenever I see angel eyes, that old Roxy Music tune starts swirling around in my head.
smackie9 Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Okay, I'm voting for door#2. "I enjoy seeing you" isn't even in the same league as "I love you!" I would be emotionally packing up too if I felt we had that much of a disconnect. Since your reactions were to cut him off, laugh at his semi-admission, and roll your eyes, I understand why he probably backed off. Many (most?) guys test the waters to try and gauge where you might be before getting all sappy and vulnerable and sharing that they love you. If you don't mind sharing, how old are you? Yup just as I thought too....OP you totally discouraged him, even hurt his heart because you laughed it off and rolled your eyes.....my god grow up already, the guy was trying to tell you he loves you...it obviously was something that was very difficult for him, it's no wonder he has shut down. good luck fixing this. You ruined the moment that's for sure. 1
writergal Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 From my own experience, when a guy's interest in you suddenly wanes it's because there's another woman in the picture. Just because he's told you everything is fine, doesn't mean he's telling you the truth. I think you also need to be more straightforward with him about your feelings. When someone tells you how they feel about you, and you respond by not being clear about your feelings for that person, that can come across as arrogant and create a wall. Maybe you've inadvertently created a wall between you and your boyfriend with the mixed signals that you've given him, so he's disconnected emotionally from you and has started to look elsewhere. The only way to find out what is going on with him, is to directly talk to him about your concerns. Until you do that, all you have is conjecture and opinions from the LS peanut gallery.
angel.eyes Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 On a different note, geez, whenever I see angel eyes, that old Roxy Music tune starts swirling around in my head. I had to Google that. Nice song!
Bellaisa Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 There is something going on, whether he wants to admit it or not. It may have nothing to do with you and everything to do with him, but still - things don't change suddenly for no reason. I've had this happen to me a few times, and the guy was not willing to tell me why. Not much you can do at that point besides deal with it or move on. But, the best thing you can do is find out from him. 1
Author Allfromabove Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 Great, now I feel like total garbage.. I really like this guy I didn't mean to hurt or discourage him.. I just didn't know how to react, he caught me so off guard and I'm so afraid of being on a different page than him. I'm always the first to fall in love and I have been burned more than a few times because of that.. I tried taking things slow with him because I didn't want to screw it up by going to fast.. And now I screwed it up anyway. I'm 25 btw. Haven't dated in 4 years. Just got out of a very long bad relationship. Dated a bit before this guy.... Is there any way I can fix this?? He has told me he isn't a very emotional person. That he is more logical. And that he doesn't like clingy women. So I have tried not to be clingy and be more fun and care free. He is supposed to come over tonigjt and stay over. Any advice? I'm just really afraid that if I tell him how I feel and open up its going to push him even farther away. I know I screwed up and ruined it.. Please go easy on me. I feel so terrible...
writergal Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Hey! Speak for yourself! I'm no peanut! Ha ha it's a figure of speech dear. I'm no peanut either. I'm a fruit loop according to one Love-Shacker. I just meant to encourage the OP to go talk to her guy about her concerns. If she doesn't, the situation will only get worse. Only he knows what he's thinking. All we can do is speculate.
smackie9 Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Try boosting his ego to fluff him back into shape. I say this because you need him to be the man and to feel like a man to express love first.
angel.eyes Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Don't feel terrible! And don't do a 180 and get all gushy and tell him you love him. Since he's coming over, cook dinner and maybe curl up on the sofa and eat together. Afterwards when you're cuddling, you can mention how happy you are that he came over, and how glad you are you met and he's in your life. If he's reacting positively, you can mention how much he means to you. There's no set script. Just play it by ear. If you like someone and you want things to progress, you have to learn to let your guard down. The fact that you dated jerks before doesn't mean you put up walls. It means you should do a better job of picking who you date. Walls are mostly self-sabotaging. They don't deter jerks...just decent people. 1
angel.eyes Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Ha ha it's a figure of speech dear. I'm no peanut either. I'm a fruit loop according to one Love-Shacker. I just meant to encourage the OP to go talk to her guy about her concerns. If she doesn't, the situation will only get worse. Only he knows what he's thinking. All we can do is speculate. Agreed. I was joking by the way. I know what you meant. Now, if I'm a peanut, and you're a Froot Loop, where's Captain Crunch?
writergal Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Agreed. I was joking by the way. I know what you meant. Now, if I'm a peanut, and you're a Froot Loop, where's Captain Crunch?[/QUOT Ha, ha! I know you were joking (as was I). Well, if you're a peanut, I'm a fruit loop, then Captain Crunch has to be the LoveShacker who called me the fruit loop. Back on topic...OP, you need to have an open conversation with your guy tonight about this situation. Part of being in a relationship is learning to trust each other. For some reason, he's pulled back and if you contributed to that, it is good for you to know how that happened. But if it has nothing to do with you, I think you still need to know what's going on. Men don't just go "cold" with women they date for no reason. Something had to have happened. So you need to talk to him to find out. I don't buy his "I'm a logical guy so I'm not emotional" excuse either. That's hogwash.
lucy_in_disguise Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 I dont think its anything you did. Ignoring you all night and showing no interest in sex is not how you treat someone youre serious about. Whether or not you feel like they should be more open with their feelings. Personally, i think he hooked up with someone else and feels guilty about it.
Author Allfromabove Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 So if you need a back story, read my previous post first Update: He came over as planned, and it was actually really great. I didn't bring anything up, except teased a bit about him being distant and he said he was just having a bad week. But overall, we had a lot of fun doing nothing.. watched some movies, talked for hours, played and I think he had fun too. I told him I was happy he came over, and he said he was happy he came. After he got home, we texted for a long time and talked on the phone. Than today we texted a bit more in the evening. However, something is still bothering me.. and I really don't know if I should bring it up or not. Part of me wants to ask and have a heart to heart, the other part is screaming to leave it alone because I don't want to scare him off after that weird week and have him turn tail and run. On the other hand, I am falling hard for this guy, and if he's having second thoughts or feels we're not right I want him to tell me because I feel it would be less painful now than later.. What is bothering me is 1: he stopped making future plans with me.. and I'm not a dating expert, but I know this is a bad sign.. He did talk about what he wants to do with me in the spring, but that was it. He used to talk about if we ever got to the point of meeting eachothers parents, talked about taking road trips, living together.. hell one night we planned our marriage and how our house would be set up (ALL as a joke!) but suddenly that all stopped. He was talking to me earlier about a topic my mother really enjoys, I made a comment about how "If we ever get to that point, that will win you over with my mother lol" and he simply replied "lol" My biggest question is, should I talk to him? and if so, how can I bring this u without freaking him out? I don't want to be one of those needy girls who constantly need reassurance, and normally I'm not, but with this guy after that weird week.. I am feeling pretty insecure.
Author Allfromabove Posted February 1, 2015 Author Posted February 1, 2015 My boyfriend of 3 months has slowly been fading away.. We only see each other once a week due to our schedules and the last 3 visits have been mainly him ignoring me while doing his own thing (we did have a few really nice moments, but 4-5hrs straight of him playing ps4 and ignoring me kind of kills that..). He barely texts me at all anymore. I have to text him if I want to hear from him and than he will ignore me for 2-3hrs (I see him log in to facebook). He used to call me every other day, and hasn't in a week.. For the first month he was 100% invested in me. He would make plans to do romantix things (although we never actually did them) and text me sweet things like he missed me and slowly all of that stopped. He doesn't tell me about his day or life anymore either, if I ask he's vauge. If I ask what he means, he stops texting... I talked to him this morning and told him how I felt and asked if he still wanted this or would rather call it since to me it felt he had lost interest and he laughed and said I was terrible at reading him. Said he is "really in to me" and wouldn't waste my time by being with me if he didn't want too. Well than wtf? He said he's been having a "blah" month, but still.. Really? a friend suggested maybe he is just using me-- but for what? We split all costs when we get food and whatnot. He hasn't been very sexually interested in me either so it's not that... I really can't wrap my mind around wtf is going on with him. I like him a lot.. even love.. But I don't want to be played like a fool.. What would you guys do? Should I give it another week or so to see if things change back to how they were? Or am I being silly?
Ebelskiver Posted February 1, 2015 Posted February 1, 2015 None of the things you listed were good signs. He's losing interest but likes having you around, kinda as a place holder until something better comes around. Or there is someone else. Or this is just how he acts when he's into someone, in which case.......leave!!!! Maybe give him a week but if he doesn't change tell him, "This isn't working for me anymore. Bye." 1
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