knowing the difference between someone who is interested and someone who is not?!

[fred123]

iv read loads of threads on here about people not texting back quickly or enough or that they have slown down their text response and replies are more cold etc.

 

how do we ever know what is going on? are they genuinely busy or they have just lost interest? can we ask them about it? whats the best way to go about it in the early stages of the dating game?!

[preraph]

Best way is you text once and wait for a response and don't text again until you get one and not assume everyone is into texting or has time for it at work or wants to "chitchat" back and forth. Even if they don't doesn't mean they don't want a relationship. Retexting is desperate and annoying.

 

And not everything warrants a response. For example, if you just got finished texting and said you'd send her a link and text back the link and "here it is," no reason to think she should answer that right back. And if she does answer right back "Thank you," she has no reason to think you'd answer back after her "Thank you." Because that's the end of that converdsation. And yet a lot of texters think it's a never-ending back-and-forth that many people are not interested in or have time for.

 

People aren't just texting you. They're trying to find time for their kids, their friends, their parents, and all this probably while they should be working! It's too much.

[Versacehottie]

I do think that it's on a per situation basis. A collection of facts and occurrences that sum up what MOST LIKELY is going on. It's not an exact science. A big mistake people do in giving advice or determine their own situation is start off with the presumption that the other person's interest is FIXED VARIABLE. It is not. The other person's interest is usually ebbing and flowing, gaining momentum, losing steam. That is life. People's emotions change moment to moment.

[carhill]

I use a permutation of everyday interaction....when I call up a friend and suggest we meet up for lunch and buy them lunch and catch up, there's a sign. It's not a sales pitch, I'm not buttering them up for a hoover wand insertion. Just showing interest and care. How they perceive it is up to them. It's the same with dates. If I'm not feeling interest, or interested, I simply move on without comment. Too many decades of analyzing reasons and motivations and what anyone didn't do or could do or etc, etc. At the moment, if there's nothing, there's nothing.

 

Hence, personally, I take things moment to moment. In this moment, the only relevant care in the room is the cat caring to sleep on my warm lap. Beyond that, the world is an uncaring place. That could change in the next moment. It's unknown. Once one gives up expectation and goes with the real, life may not get 'better', but things certainly seem to match up better. No conflicting perceptions. YMMV>

[Jules Dash]

I wouldn't ask them about their communication if you are not exclusive. One thing to keep in mind is that responding to a text is often a commitment to keep texting back and forth until the person on the other end finally is satisfied that they received enough communication from you for the moment. If I am absorbed in an activity, especiall work-related, I may choose not to respond right away because I will become distracted and it may turn into a commitment for an hour -long texting dialogue. If I choose to drop off in the middle of it tp finish my activity then you will even take that in the wrong way. May as well not even get started in the first place and respond when I can focus on the conversation and my responses.

[Versacehottie]

I wouldn't ask them about their communication if you are not exclusive. One thing to keep in mind is that responding to a text is often a commitment to keep texting back and forth until the person on the other end finally is satisfied that they received enough communication from you for the moment. If I am absorbed in an activity, especiall work-related, I may choose not to respond right away because I will become distracted and it may turn into a commitment for an hour -long texting dialogue. If I choose to drop off in the middle of it tp finish my activity then you will even take that in the wrong way. May as well not even get started in the first place and respond when I can focus on the conversation and my responses.

 

This is like a lot of guys i know. not bad thing at all. kinda cute when you think about.

[smackie9]

I would be totally annoyed if someone texted me while I was working and would have to put boundaries in place. I think having to text back and forth all day is childish. Being an adult, if it's important pick up that damn phone and call me lol.

[Philosopher]

iv read loads of threads on here about people not texting back quickly or enough or that they have slown down their text response and replies are more cold etc.

 

how do we ever know what is going on? are they genuinely busy or they have just lost interest? can we ask them about it? whats the best way to go about it in the early stages of the dating game?!

 

I think from texting it is very difficult to know what is going on. They could have genuinely have lost interest and so are no longer that keen on having some flirty text conversation.

 

On the other hand they could have legitimate reasons for not replying to your texts. They could be snowed under with work or studies, watching a movie or be on a long drive and so aren't in convenient position to reply quickly to your texts. They could also just be slow at replying to texts in general, regardless of whether it is some hot guy or a long lost friend sending them the texts.

 

The best way to find out whether they are interested or not I think is to pick up the phone and call them and suggest meeting up. If they answer, agree to the date and don't cancel, then it is a good sign that they are interested. If they don't answer and don't return your call, answer but make some excuse not to go on a date or they give vague non committal answer then you can safely assume that they have lost interest.

[preraph]

In person, it's easier to tell, even if it's around a lot of other people. That's why it's important to get off the phone and see them in person under some circumstance.

 

A younger very pretty friend of mine once told me, "If they really like you, you will know. They will make sure you know." I guess it's not always as clear-cut as that because not everyone is outspoken and confident enough to do that. But there is certainly a lot of truth in it. A big difference between a guy luke warm and eager.

 

An example: Was sitting with this guy in a band, and there was another girl present. I was being polite and just kind of letting him pace himself being polite to both of us, and he was polite and chatty to both of us. It reached a point where he said to me, "You should come to ____," the town their next gig was in. The other girl got very excited saying, basically, "I'll go, I'll go," and he just totally ignored her at that point for the first time and offered to get me in to the show. (I told him I was already coming and already had access.) So even though he had been polite and gentlemanly to both of us, which might have left her hopeful, in the end, he was direct with me, leaving no room for doubt.

 

Unless someone is socially awkward (or an actual creeper), you should know if someone has real interest without having to wonder.

[Ieris]

"If they really like you, you will know. They will make sure you know."

 

+1

 

I agree with this, usually guys make it very obvious and you can hear the excitement in their voice. In my experience, guys start adding x at the end of messages. They find any silly reason to message you, always want to know what your plans are so they know when they can see you next etc...

[Danda]

"If they really like you, you will know. They will make sure you know."

 

This is probably the answer to a significant % of worries shared on LS, haha. Should just go in a banner at the top of the site.

[shet]

Tip number one is to not SMS text, but to get with the times and move to an app platform like the ubiquitous Whatsapp, or Facebook Messenger, Kik, or Snapchat, or Oovoo. Why, because they offer a ****load more information you need to see - that your message has sent, that it's been received, if it's been seen, if they are online now, or when they were last, or if their phone's off or they're out of reception... other useful information like pictures, activity levels, even location. And everything in between those lines - for example, if they appear to turn off their location display when they're supposed to just be home... if they come online and go off without responding to you... if they're online and talking but your replies aren't instantly being flagged as seen then they're talking to someone else as well... et cetera.

 

I've found out women I was supposed to be meeting to date lied about having kids because their snapchat status is nothing but them with their damn kids... found out the full names of someone I was meant to meet from their not-very-cryptic Kik name, then proceeded to Facebook-check them and found out they're disabled... cross-referenced usernames from one app to another and found the account they obviously use with friends and family that has their picture with their boyfriend/husband and a status full of kisses and hearts... it's ****ing invaluable and if you're not doing it you're setting yourself up for failure. People lie, they always did, but now you can catch the despicable mother****ers and save yourself.

[Frank2thepoint]

whats the best way to go about it in the early stages of the dating game?!

 

Don't ask and don't insist. Just enjoy it without getting too attached to it. As a basic guideline, don't use text as a means of serious communication, just for quick responses, flirting, and humor. You can use it to secure a date and get the person to talk on the phone.

[Jules Dash]

This is probably the answer to a significant % of worries shared on LS, haha. Should just go in a banner at the top of the site.

 

 

 

If only that would help. No matter how many 5imes you say it, people just don't get it. Really, since I have become an adult, I have never been in a situatiom where I found out someone was actually interested in me when I thought that were not or wondered if they were interested or not. Usually, the person makes it clear that they are interested in you.

[shet]

If only that would help. No matter how many 5imes you say it, people just don't get it. Really, since I have become an adult, I have never been in a situatiom where I found out someone was actually interested in me when I thought that were not or wondered if they were interested or not. Usually, the person makes it clear that they are interested in you.

 

That is very much just your experience. If all you've had is a life full of obvious intentions, and you don't appreciate how lucky you've been, check your privilege.

[Jules Dash]

That is very much just your experience. If all you've had is a life full of obvious intentions, and you don't appreciate how lucky you've been, check your privilege.

 

 

Again, I said "since I have become an adult."

I said that because this was an issue before adulthood but adults tend to give good signs.

Honestly, I can't even recall a family or friend ever having the dilemma of wondering if another adult was actually interested in them or not during the courting phase. Once the pursuit begins, if the other person is interested, they will not muddy up their interest so it will be difficult for you to figure out. Any adult, just think about your own interest in someone. Just think about someone who was intetested in you as an adult and you had mutual interest, did you make your interest questionable to that person? Probably not.

If this has been a problem for someone, I don't think it is because I am privileged, I think it is a problem with someone interpreting signals.

 

It is just a very natural thing. Now as kids, we behaved much differently. We did not make things clear in middle school and high school.

Edited January 12, 2015 by Jules Dash

[mortensorchid]

In general, if you have not heard from the party within the first 24-48 hours after your first get together, be it a phone call or text or email, then 90% of the time you will not hear from them again. 10% of the time they might contact a few days, or even a week later, you might even have a second get together with them, but you will not hear from them again after that second get together.

 

 

It's not something exclusive to online dating or otherwise, it's just how it is.

[thecrucible]

Sometimes you can't tell but usually it's a gut feeling. Actions I do to prevent a one-sided interest as much as possible include:

 

 

* never initiating texting with the guy

* not replying to texts that don't require a reply (like when he doesn't ask the question. Stops the conversation from getting stale)

* letting the guy be the one to ask me out

* stop talking to guy if he hasn't asked me out in 'x' number of messages on online dating sites

* ignoring guys who send me one word or cut and paste online dating messages. If this is what they're putting forward, how can it get any better?

* not accepting last minute dates (I'm not judging him as a bad guy or anything, I just prefer a bit of notice. If he's adaptable to that, then shows he's a good guy)

* trying to pace myself and my expectations. It's hard to distance myself emotionally sometimes, but I try to detach myself to see the situation for what it is (harder to say than do!)

*trying not to lose sleep when they don't reply. Just move onto the next guy/or whatever I need to be doing. If I try and keep myself busy, they may come back and they may not but at least I won't be waiting by the phone for them.

 

 

Also, in my experience the guy usually tells me if he's into me. Otherwise he'll want to progress the relationship somehow; he'll ask me questions which aren't superficial and are more about getting to know me.