suckered Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 I am a female and my friend is a married male. We have know each other for a couple of years. Recently he became more open in how unhappy he is in the marriage and how he is attracted to another woman (in our group) and is tempted to cheat. He can go on and on about this for hours. This is draining me as I have no interest in listening to his marriage problems or obsessions with another woman. I guess also part of me feels a bit low that he is not attracted me but is only using me as sounding board. I don't like him in that way but we are close and spend a lot of time together and the woman he is into is nearly 20 years younger than him. I have had this problem with others, men and women as they for some reason see me as someone they can talk about their deepest, darkest secrets. It has become a burden. At the end of the day nobody cares or listens to my problems. How do I discourage this particular man without being rude? How do I avoid people opening up in the future?
carhill Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 This is what I do with MW's: "I can see this is important to you. I would suggest speaking with your spouse about it" "When my spouse and I were having marital issues, we sought out a marriage counselor to assist us and I found it quite beneficial. I'd suggest giving it a try" Then change the subject.
elaine567 Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 By setting some personal boundaries and refusing to be used by people who do not respect your space. Google "setting personal boundaries" - lots of info there. http://liveboldandbloom.com/08/life-coaching/want-to-boost-your-self-esteem-10-ways-to-establish-personal-boundaries 1
Satu Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Tell him that you don't want to be the third person in his one-to-one relationship. It's almost, but quite, an emotional affair. It is a form of inappropriate intimacy, in my opinion.
No Limit Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Just a few weeks ago a guy tried that on me. He wasn't married but in a relationship, and went from talking about "so unhappy" to "You know, because of my long relationship I feel like I've been missing out on many experiences like taking a girl's virginity". I cut contact to him and it works perfectly. 2
Gloria25 Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Just day "No"... It IS that simple... Tell them that you care for them but you don't believe you're in the capacity to "be there" for them in the way they need. Give them a referral to a priest or a counselor.
preraph Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 People have always told me their darkest deepest secrets, often upon first meeting. I'm a magnet for it. I've had a punk rock star upon first meeting tell me he stabbed someone overseas. I kept that secret until he died. Mentally ill people will tell me they're from other planets and one thought I was his leader. It's something about my eyes, they say. And like I just posted on another thread, two separated guys I was dating told me they couldn't imagine never sleeping with their wives again. So people will tell me just about anything, and I take it as a compliment, but my brief stint with a psychologist, she said I was too tolerant. Now, how these new guys would know that, well, they couldn't possibly. And as anyone here knows, I'm actually very opinionated and judgy, so what I think the shrink meant to say is "unconventional and openminded but a straightshooter." I don't mind it unless it gets really disgusting like your guy talking about his wife like that and hoping to pursue someone too young for him. Now, me, I'd tell him he's deluded and it's not nice to talk to strangers about the woman he once loved who's probably the mother of his children. He doesn't want to hear the truth, I'm sure. So give it to him.
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