Is “we were on a break” an excuse?

[Amy Rose]

I’m petrified about what is going to happen when my boyfriend finds out. We have been together 8 years and we have 3 kids together, we are very happy but it wasn’t always that way. About 3 years ago we we’re having real troubles and we decided to take a break, however because of our situation we had to keep living under the same roof. We reconciled and we have been happy since.

 

During that break I met a man and we started a very intense affair/relationship. He was rather upset when I told him it was over and he kept pursuing me for a couple of months until I threatened a restraining order. My boyfriend did not know then that I was seeing someone and I have never told him. I had every intention of coming clean when we were reconciling but he wanted to leave the past behind and I guess I took the easy way out and agreed.

 

Now 3 years later I think I am in deep ****. I am a bookkeeper, work from home and do the books for a number of small local employers. My boyfriend has just scored a great job and part of the job offer was for me to do his new employers books as his bookkeeper is retiring, it worked out great for all concerned. My boyfriend was showing me some of their work on facebook and the owner is the man I had the affair with. This can not end well.

 

So I was trying to think of a way to tell my boyfriend so he doesn’t get blindsided by this but I’m stuck. If I use the “we were on a break” excuse it just seems so lame, although it is absolutely true. So what’s the best way to tell him, any ideas?

 

There’s also a secondary issue of how it will all work out with the job once the owner meets me (next Friday). If it goes bad we could both be out of a job. Although I still have other clients my boyfriend would be unemployed.

 

I’m open to suggestions.

[runredlights]

It depends on what grounds were established before the break. Did you two agree that it would be acceptable to see other people while apart?

[Amy Rose]

It depends on what grounds were established before the break. Did you two agree that it would be acceptable to see other people while apart?

 

Nothing like that was discussed but nor was anything discussed around not seeing other people. I had no intention to see anyone to be honest, it just happened but I can't see that making it any easier for him to accept.

 

Even if he did accept that we were apart and I could see other people it's going to blow out of all proportion because he will be working side by side with the man who I was with.

[A O]

We were on a break is not an excuse in my book. Honesty is the best policy more often than not albeit its too late for that now.

[d0nnivain]

This is why breaks are problematic.

 

However as bad as it will be when you tell your children's father, it will be 100x worse when his new boss tells him. After you tell your BF, I would also suggest that the 3 of you work it out so you are not doing the company's books.

[DKT3]

First, the suggestion of keeping the past in the past tells me one of two things. 1) he already knows you were sleeping with someone else and just wants to move on 2) he was himself involved with someone else.

 

At any rate you have to tell him, or run the risk of someone else telling him. Just be honest, there is a good chance he won't believe that it was because of the break and the break wasn't because of the other man. He will likely not believe the story as you've told it because it will feel forced, like you had no other option at that point.

 

What you've done is built a house on a bomb, and the bomb is about to explode. Nothing you can do to change it now. Just be honest and hope for the best.

[carhill]

When married couples separate, or unmarried couples 'take a break', unless parameters are specifically agreed to, there is no agreement, no meeting of the minds, no contract of adhesion and each party is free to do what they choose.

 

Just as he has no way of knowing what you did on your break, you have no way of knowing what he did. You were together five years, took a break, time span unknown, reconciled and have accepted the break and moved on, now three years hence.

 

If the owner is a dick, he'll be a dick and bring past stuff up. That's how it goes. I doubt your boyfriend just became a man yesterday. We men have been dealing with this stuff for centuries and we can settle our scores amongst each other as appropriate.

 

Personally, I'd pay it no mind and move on being a valued mother and partner. The past is the past. What your former lover and your boyfriend do is what they do. It's outside of your control.

[Amy Rose]

This is why breaks are problematic.

 

However as bad as it will be when you tell your children's father, it will be 100x worse when his new boss tells him. After you tell your BF, I would also suggest that the 3 of you work it out so you are not doing the company's books.

 

Of course I would back out of doing the books, I just want to find a way that I don't lose my boyfriend. Of course I have to tell him I just can't see any way it can end well. Maybe if it was once or twice but I was with him for about 4.5 months out of the 6 months we were "on a break" <-- I hate those words now!!

[elaine567]

I think you are going to have to either come clean and tell your boyfriend or contact the man and see if you can come to some arrangement to make sure it is all kept under wraps and your bf never finds out.

As you did not part on the best of terms with the boss, is it likely he will be amenable to do anything for you?

Is it possible the boss, engineered this whole situation? Hiring your bf and wanting you to do the books, is a bit of a coincidence is is not?

Scary situation for you.

[Satu]

It will be the most bitter-tasting medicine ever, but you should tell your boyfriend as soon as possible, and hope for the best.

[Amy Rose]

It will be the most bitter-tasting medicine ever, but you should tell your boyfriend as soon as possible, and hope for the best.

 

Do I use the "we were on a break" reason or will that make it worse? Do I apologise, I am sorry for hurting him but I did nothing wrong? I don't want an apology to send the wrong message.

 

This is so f@cked up.