blind_otter Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 Maybe this is why my crazy mother had this theory that you should not marry someone you are in love with, but marry a good provider who will make pretty babies and stay loyal to you, and that love will come afterwards, and that the love that yu develop will be stronger and more enduring than the love that is based on chemistry and lust?? Of course she had a horrible abusive and emotionally absent father. My Dad was there non-stop and I exhibit exactly the same problems that you guys describe. So I'm saying, I dunno -- I have exactly the same issues, but how can I have teh same issues and still have had such a great dad??
Illusion24 Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 B-O It's because of your own morals and values that you've learned to acquire through the years. You've some how some way found a motive or a way to express yourself through your fathers strength...I didn't have a father figure...My dad went to jail when I was 13 all the way through 18...To me those were the most important times in my life where I needed a father...but on the other hand I had an incredible mother...Who not only is my mother she is my best friend...She's taught me more than any father could possibly teach... I take into account that most of my psychological problems are because my father wasn't around but I also feel I have sense of balance and know what needs to be done...I try not to let my father's life influence mine or let it get to me...I have a hard time trusting men because of my father...And for a long time I called him "MY SPERM DONNER"... As sad as it may seem in some ways that's how I feel....I know I find my strength in my mother...We all have one or the other and if we're lucky we have both
moimeme Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 Maybe this is why my crazy mother had this theory that you should not marry someone you are in love with, but marry a good provider who will make pretty babies and stay loyal to you, and that love will come afterwards, and that the love that yu develop will be stronger and more enduring than the love that is based on chemistry and lust?? This is the premise upon which arranged marriages are made and they can be very good. Obviously one sample isn't the rule, but I knew a couple who'd had an arranged marriage and they were lovely people and very loving to each other.
blind_otter Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme This is the premise upon which arranged marriages are made and they can be very good. Obviously one sample isn't the rule, but I knew a couple who'd had an arranged marriage and they were lovely people and very loving to each other. My parents celebrated their 35th wedding anniversary on March 16. My Mom said she approached her marriage with this attitude, they are 22 years apart in age difference and from different hemispheres of the globe and (GASP!) of different races!!! When you love someone so much there is a visceral response to their emotions. You laugh when they laugh, cry when they cry, hurt when they hurt. My parents seem so...complimentary. They are crazy in their own matching ways. So that probably explains why my older sisters are married to their high school sweethearts, and have been with those motherf*ckers since they were like 14 years old. Damn that is a long time to be with someone, I mean, developmentally speaking....
Lonestar Posted March 29, 2005 Posted March 29, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter Maybe this is why my crazy mother had this theory that you should not marry someone you are in love with, but marry a good provider who will make pretty babies and stay loyal to you, and that love will come afterwards, and that the love that yu develop will be stronger and more enduring than the love that is based on chemistry and lust?? I tried this route and we ended up divorced because I had zero physical attraction to him. It made for lousy sex and over time I grew annoyed at him just being around, but on the other hand, I can't get along with the guys I insanely lust over (my other ex-H as an example), but the sex part is unbelievable and I still want to sleep with him to this day. Damn, I wish I could find the best of both worlds. I don't blame ALL my relationship problems on my father. Not at all and wasn't the point I was trying to make. My mother was no picnic either and we only became good friends over the past couple years. Basically, I felt unloved by both parents in those delicate years, so I think that has much to do with my overall insecurities. Still, I do recognize that I put up with a lot more sh*t from the men I deeply love and lust over and I think for me it's because I learned that type of love from my father. For years as a child I looked for ways to make my dad love me. I tried to be good, tried to do things differently, etc., and there are times when I carry that same behavior over to my adult relationships. It annoys the hell out of me, and although I've had enough therapy to recognize the correlation, I still have trouble correcting it because my brain is wired that way.
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