SidewalkEnds Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Hi everyone! I am a long-time lurker and always enjoy reading the advice given - I'm hoping someone can offer some insight to my situation. My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months. I am 22 and he is 24. Now, for the first four months of our relationship, we had a very active sex life - sometimes 3+ a day, but our average was twice. He initiated a lot, as did I. But now, that number has declined to sex maybe once a week, and I always have to initiate now. When we do have sex, there is no foreplay, I don't feel the intimacy anymore. I understand the first few months are when the relationship is new and exciting, so I expected a realistic decline after a while. But going from sex twice a day to maybe once a week? After only 9 months? And we are both pretty young? I've done a few things to ignite excitement on his end - I bought lingerie that he told me he thought looked sexy, I bought a toy that he wanted to try, I've asked if he wanted to watch porn together. But even after, it doesn't last long and it doesn't happen often. Of course I have talked to him about it - he's told me in past relationships he has had a high sex drive, that he doesn't know why this is happening. He tells me I'm beautiful and that it isn't me - but I can't help but feel unwanted and somewhat gross. Why is this decline happening with me but not in his previous relationships that had lasted 2+ years? I know it isn't fair to compare us to his past, but I don't know what to do. He is very loving and affectionate, kissing me, holding me - but as soon as I try to take it a step further, he doesn't seem interested. It has gotten to the point where I wanted to stop trying because I don't like feeling humiliated. I tell him every day I think he's so handsome, and that while sex isn't the focus of our relationship, it's still very important to me. What should I do? Is he just not into me anymore?
Danda Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 So he doesn't know what the deal is, eh? That's really uh, apathetic. Like does he even care to try to figure it out? Offers no details whatsoever? Like, Is he masturbating? How often? I mean is his libido still kickin? Or is he just choosing masturbation/porn over sex with you now? It's possible that he's being a manipulative little tool, just a fair warning. Watching you dance like a monkey trying to get him interested. That you're trying, initiating and attempted to talk about it with him, and he's so apathetic that all you got was an "I don't know" speaks volumes as to how much he gives a damn about your feelings, doesn't it? That he brought up past relationships and compared them in the way he did, makes me lean even more towards him getting some kind of kick out of making your angsty, frustrated and insecure. Some PDs (NPD and BPD) can be like that, they will value the psychological high of playing 'keepaway' games with their partners more than they value actually having sex. If you hadn't been trying, hadn't tried to talk about it with him, or if he had given you a reason that makes sense, or at least expressed a desire (as in acted like it) to get back into the groove with you - those would all be different stories. Anyway my advice would be to get yourself some nice toys for you, and just completely back off of the whole sex topic. Satisfy yourself and don't initiate or show any interest in having sex with him at all for a while. Either he magically gets his libido back - but then loses it again once you let your guard down and start trying to initiate with him again, which would confirm my theory that it's just mind**** shenanigans. Or, If 3 weeks go by and there is no change in behavior from him at all, then dude might have a porn addiction problem or something. If you want to try one more time to gently talk it out, go for it, but if he's apathetic and whatnot, then point blank he doesn't care. Three Big Red Flags Are 1. He compares your sex life to his exes and casts your sex life in a 'mysteriously' unfavorable light. 2. He shrugs it off with an apathetic "I don't know" when you try to talk about it. 3. He never initiates despite knowing how much it means to you. (Even if the sex was only once a week, him initiating even just please you once in a while would show empathy for your feelings.) 1
Gloria25 Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Well, have you ruled out: 1. Any significant life changes (i.e. stress, a death of a family member/friend, job/career/education)? 2. Medical issues (i.e. when did he last do a physical, depression, stress, meds). If you ruled out those, then probably he is losing interest in you. IMO, lots of guys are excited before sex happens...after sex happens, they start evaluating "you" and now that they got the sex, they start figuring out if they really like "you". That's why it's good to really get to know each other and establish a base (i.e. cake) before the sex happens (i.e. the icing). That way, by the time he has sex with you, he already knows if he is really into you. 1
Author SidewalkEnds Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 So he doesn't know what the deal is, eh? That's really uh, apathetic. Like does he even care to try to figure it out? Offers no details whatsoever? Like, Is he masturbating? How often? I mean is his libido still kickin? Or is he just choosing masturbation/porn over sex with you now? It's possible that he's being a manipulative little tool, just a fair warning. Watching you dance like a monkey trying to get him interested. That you're trying, initiating and attempted to talk about it with him, and he's so apathetic that all you got was an "I don't know" speaks volumes as to how much he gives a damn about your feelings, doesn't it? That he brought up past relationships and compared them in the way he did, makes me lean even more towards him getting some kind of kick out of making your angsty, frustrated and insecure. Some PDs (NPD and BPD) can be like that, they will value the psychological high of playing 'keepaway' games with their partners more than they value actually having sex. If you hadn't been trying, hadn't tried to talk about it with him, or if he had given you a reason that makes sense, or at least expressed a desire (as in acted like it) to get back into the groove with you - those would all be different stories. Anyway my advice would be to get yourself some nice toys for you, and just completely back off of the whole sex topic. Satisfy yourself and don't initiate or show any interest in having sex with him at all for a while. Either he magically gets his libido back - but then loses it again once you let your guard down and start trying to initiate with him again, which would confirm my theory that it's just mind**** shenanigans. Or, If 3 weeks go by and there is no change in behavior from him at all, then dude might have a porn addiction problem or something. If you want to try one more time to gently talk it out, go for it, but if he's apathetic and whatnot, then point blank he doesn't care. Three Big Red Flags Are 1. He compares your sex life to his exes and casts your sex life in a 'mysteriously' unfavorable light. 2. He shrugs it off with an apathetic "I don't know" when you try to talk about it. 3. He never initiates despite knowing how much it means to you. (Even if the sex was only once a week, him initiating even just please you once in a while would show empathy for your feelings.) Thank you for your response!! It does bother me that he seems apathetic, you said it perfectly! His libido just seems down in general - we are pretty open with each other about porn and masturbation, but I don't think he is doing either of these in excess. He has gained a little weight since we first started dating, and I've asked if this has affected his self-esteem. He replied "maybe." Again, so apathetic. I tell him I find him incredibly sexy regardless and go out of my way to show him I still want him sexually. But this has put a huge dent in my confidence. I don't feel wanted or sexy. I mean, to wear lingerie that HE picked out, only for him to lie there like a starfish and do nothing? I was so embarrassed and felt so ugly. I fear that if I stop trying to initiate, he won't even notice. But I will take your advice and just satisfy myself (like I haven't been doing that already) without initiating.
Author SidewalkEnds Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 Well, have you ruled out: 1. Any significant life changes (i.e. stress, a death of a family member/friend, job/career/education)? 2. Medical issues (i.e. when did he last do a physical, depression, stress, meds). If you ruled out those, then probably he is losing interest in you. IMO, lots of guys are excited before sex happens...after sex happens, they start evaluating "you" and now that they got the sex, they start figuring out if they really like "you". That's why it's good to really get to know each other and establish a base (i.e. cake) before the sex happens (i.e. the icing). That way, by the time he has sex with you, he already knows if he is really into you. Thank you for replying! No significant changes in his life - he takes medication for anxiety but has been doing this since high school, so I'm not sure why this would be affecting him now. But is it possible? Like I said before, he's still very affectionate and sweet aside from sex. He makes it obvious we are together and always says I'm beautiful and that he loves me. But maybe you are right - perhaps he is losing interest and may only be showing affection to hide his guilt?
Danda Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 If he's still being non-sexually affectionate with you, but then all of the other stuff I pointed out, I lean more towards the keepaway game than losing interest. I just know that in my past relationships, even when I wasn't feeling sexual for a while for whatever reason(s), I still initiated from time to time and still pleasured my partner. Because it's a matter of making them feel desired and just making them feel good in general. If you hadn't tried talking about it with him and if you hadn't put effort into spicing it up for him, then I'd just be doing my usual lecture about having more empathy and whatnot. But you've already done those crucial things. So he's the one not showing any empathy here. That and comparing you to his lust for his exes like that, but then offering no thoughts whatsoever on the issue, just reeks of mind**** shenanigans. 1
A O Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Well,the honeymoon period might be over for him and this is what you're really left with. For couples too work and last,they need to be compatable in many areas, sex and its frequency thereof, is one such area where compatibility really matters. A lack of compatibility here may spell the end for you and him as it has for countless other couples beforehand. 1
preraph Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 (edited) deleted by me. Edited January 10, 2015 by preraph
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