My ex [21F] of 4 years keeps trying to contact me after leaving me [22M] for another

[ta777]

Wow! What a frickin Diva!!! Okay, let's break this down.

 

 

Talks about how you never changed for her. Okay, that means that she wanted you to "change" into that other guy. Be more like him. Sorry, if you make changes in your life, it's because YOU want to do it for yourself and no one else.

 

 

Never made her feel beautiful and she deserved to be treated like a Princess. Well, dude. You got with one of the few girls in the entire world that wants to be placed on a pedestal. Most girls don't want to be placed on a pedestal. Because sooner or later, they'll realize that they're looking down on you. And that's when they realize that they can actually step on you from that height. Most girls want to be by your side. Not on a pedestal like a trophy. A partner to you walking through this world side by side and hand in hand. So, her problem is that you would let her walk all over you.

 

 

You didn't make her feel beautiful. Okay, I will admit that throwing a compliment to a girl is important. But, do you know what is equally important? Ensuring that your man feels desired by you. Betcha she never did that. Why do I know this? Because she was too busy being a Diva Bitch to realize that the door swings both ways. It's all about her and what people give her.

Funny you mention that because she talks about already changing him in her post. Not even 4 months of dating this guy and she's already doing it. I did change for her in some ways and she even acknowledged it but I didn't give in to all her demands.

 

Good point. I did truly want her to feel beautiful because it was what I thought of her. Maybe I sucked at how I said it but I meant it. I would tell her she was the most gorgeous girl in the world and that I didn't want anyone other than her but it would never get through to her. If it did work for her it would only last so long. Complimenting her was never enough. I think I mentioned this before but she would react to me complimenting her by saying "that's it?" or "that's all?". It would make me feel bad because everything I tried wasn't good enough. Other times she would tell me that I didn't compliment her enough so I would do it and then she would say "it doesn't mean anything because I had to ask you to do it". There was never any winning with her.

 

One time she mentioned that I never posted her on instagram as a woman crush wednesday, so I did. I wrote a long post expressing my love for her and what a beauty she was. What did she do? She ended up going on my phone and deleting it after she got mad and saying that again it didn't count because she had to tell me. I felt denied, and again like not enough after that .

 

I did desire her. I thought she was the sexiest little thing and would always compliment her figure. She liked it and would tease me all the time after I did that. You're right about the door swinging both ways though, its not like she wad complimenting me all the time like she wanted it done to her. Yea once in a while she said I looked hot with my shirt off or that I was cute but it wasn't what I would call "showering". It seems like she is showering this new guy though and it sucks because she didn't do that for me.

[ta777]

I forgot to mention that she posted that she wasted 4 years of her life on me, a person who could care less about her. If only she knew how much I loved and cared for her and how much hurt she has inflicted on me. I feel as if she doesn't even know how destructive she is. She truly believes I deserved to be cheated on and left because I'm a horrible person.

[EgoJoe]

This is an unavoidable part of healing. If you read my thread about my Ex cheating. I mention going through this. It's important that you don't lose your focus.

 

 

She is a loser and he is a shmuck. Only an idiot gets with a girl who cheated on her last boyfriend. He will be in hell soon. You will be healed before he fully breaks.

 

 

She is a parasite. She couldn't fully drain you so she found an easier mark. Remember this; it's true and important. She has the low self esteem. No matter what she says or does it is not your fault she cheated.

[Downtown]

I feel now that the person I loved and thought I knew never actually existed. It was all a facade.

If she is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), her personality was a "facade" in the sense that you were seeing her emulating and mirroring your own personality during the infatuation period. This is not to say, however, that her feelings were not genuine at that time.

 

The person she is now is not who I knew, she's a monster.

If she is a BPDer, TA, I wouldn't say "monster." Rather, what you saw is how vindictive and mean an adult can become when she has the emotional development of a four year old. A child that young will adore Daddy when he's bringing out the toys and then, in an instant, will hate Daddy as soon as he takes one away. This is the way basic human behavior is when we are too immature to be able to control our own emotions.

 

She still continues to hurt me after cheating on me and leaving me for someone else. I'm assuming that this is also another trait of BPD?

Because BPDers typically have little impulse control and are emotionally immature, they are more likely to cheat than the average person. The vast majority of BPDers, however, are not serial cheaters.

 

From what I've read a lot of BPD partners end relationships by either just disappearing or replacing you with someone else. I'm assuming this is because they can't be by themselves?

Yes, that is my understanding too.

 

While I don't doubt that she ever loved me she still used me.

Yes, TA, it sounds like you were badly used. Because BPDers typically have no lasting feeling of appreciation, it's frequently "What have you done for me lately?"

[Chi townD]

Funny you mention that because she talks about already changing him in her post. Not even 4 months of dating this guy and she's already doing it. I did change for her in some ways and she even acknowledged it but I didn't give in to all her demands.

 

Good point. I did truly want her to feel beautiful because it was what I thought of her. Maybe I sucked at how I said it but I meant it. I would tell her she was the most gorgeous girl in the world and that I didn't want anyone other than her but it would never get through to her. If it did work for her it would only last so long. Complimenting her was never enough. I think I mentioned this before but she would react to me complimenting her by saying "that's it?" or "that's all?". It would make me feel bad because everything I tried wasn't good enough. Other times she would tell me that I didn't compliment her enough so I would do it and then she would say "it doesn't mean anything because I had to ask you to do it". There was never any winning with her.

 

One time she mentioned that I never posted her on instagram as a woman crush wednesday, so I did. I wrote a long post expressing my love for her and what a beauty she was. What did she do? She ended up going on my phone and deleting it after she got mad and saying that again it didn't count because she had to tell me. I felt denied, and again like not enough after that .

 

I did desire her. I thought she was the sexiest little thing and would always compliment her figure. She liked it and would tease me all the time after I did that. You're right about the door swinging both ways though, its not like she wad complimenting me all the time like she wanted it done to her. Yea once in a while she said I looked hot with my shirt off or that I was cute but it wasn't what I would call "showering". It seems like she is showering this new guy though and it sucks because she didn't do that for me.

 

 

Wow! This girl is immature as hell too! What is she? Like 14?

 

 

 

 

Okay, look dude. You're 22 and she's 21. You stated that you saw her at school. That only leads me to conclude that you are at University. You were with her long enough to know what classes she has to go to and what buildings she's going to be hanging around. So, just don't be there.

 

 

Find a different route. Avoid all area's you may run into her.

 

 

And while you're at University, join some clubs! Get out there and get involved! Meet new people! Hell, you never know! You might meet the love of your life and you don't even know it yet. And you never will unless you put yourself out there! Stay busy and HAVE FUN!

 

 

Your Ex is trying to do one hellva job trying to break you. To hurt you. If she discovers that you're out there doing things and not a big pile of blubbering goo pine over her, that's going to drive her insane. And you actually didn't do anything accept live your life. So, you can't look at that as being vindictive.

 

 

Time to reclaim your life. Time to take back any power she has over you.

[EgoJoe]

Get a job, buy some new clothes, hit the gym and make new friends!

[ta777]

If she is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), her personality was a "facade" in the sense that you were seeing her emulating and mirroring your own personality during the infatuation period. This is not to say, however, that her feelings were not genuine at that time.

 

If she is a BPDer, TA, I wouldn't say "monster." Rather, what you saw is how vindictive and mean an adult can become when she has the emotional development of a four year old. A child that young will adore Daddy when he's bringing out the toys and then, in an instant, will hate Daddy as soon as he takes one away. This is the way basic human behavior is when we are too immature to be able to control our own emotions.

 

Because BPDers typically have little impulse control and are emotionally immature, they are more likely to cheat than the average person. The vast majority of BPDers, however, are not serial cheaters.

 

Yes, that is my understanding too.

 

Yes, TA, it sounds like you were badly used. Because BPDers typically have no lasting feeling of appreciation, it's frequently "What have you done for me lately?"

After everything you've told me and I've there is no way she doesn't have BPD or some form of a PD. Four years of dealing with her and all the signs were there and I never would have known. What a traumatic and painful experience this is

[ta777]

Wow! This girl is immature as hell too! What is she? Like 14?

 

 

 

 

Okay, look dude. You're 22 and she's 21. You stated that you saw her at school. That only leads me to conclude that you are at University. You were with her long enough to know what classes she has to go to and what buildings she's going to be hanging around. So, just don't be there.

 

 

Find a different route. Avoid all area's you may run into her.

 

 

And while you're at University, join some clubs! Get out there and get involved! Meet new people! Hell, you never know! You might meet the love of your life and you don't even know it yet. And you never will unless you put yourself out there! Stay busy and HAVE FUN!

 

 

Your Ex is trying to do one hellva job trying to break you. To hurt you. If she discovers that you're out there doing things and not a big pile of blubbering goo pine over her, that's going to drive her insane. And you actually didn't do anything accept live your life. So, you can't look at that as being vindictive.

 

 

Time to reclaim your life. Time to take back any power she has over you.

We go to the same community college. This is my last semester before I leave to Uni and leave her behind. Thank god. I just hope she doesn't follow me to the same Uni, because she had every intention to before. Its a new semester and honestly I don't know what classes she has, her schedule is on my old phone so I wouldn't have a clue as to where she would be hanging around.

 

I've been trying my best hang out with friends and do things but its tough. 2 of my best friends are married. Some of my friends are away at college or work full time and one of my friends is in another country (military). Its hard to do much these days cause everyone has their own lives. I had literally spent all my time on my ex, and she never appreciated it.

 

I had a great time on NYE and I posted it onto my public instagram. I'm almost positive she saw it and she ended up calling me a day after. I'm sure that really pissed her off lol.

[ta777]

Get a job, buy some new clothes, hit the gym and make new friends!

I have a job, which is hard to go to right now. I have anxiety attacks at work and all I can do is think about her while there. Or the fear of seeing her there. I work at a theme park and she has a pass, and she goes there with this new guy.

 

I have yet to buy new clothes but its definitely something I'm going to do! The gym is also something I really want to do and should.

 

Making new friends is tough for me. I have my close friends and my work friends but making friends at a community college is incredibly difficult. At least for me anyway.

 

I spoke to a mutual friend of ours but she isn't friends with my ex anymore. She also told me about how ridiculous she was with her temper tantrums and how incredibly stubborn she was even when she was wrong. She would always try to justify why she was right even when this friend would disagree.

 

She told me some other things to that I'm not even surprised about. She would apparently always talk to guys behind my back. Like flirting and all that via text and etc. Apparently when we would break up she would try to go out with these guys but she would always come back to me. Her friend said that she didn't understand why she was so controlling of me, not letting me look at girls and all that when she was talking to guys. My ex's response was that these guys were never as good as me and that she would never leave me cause she loved me too much. barf, she was just fishing until someone who was "better" came along. What a sad excuse for a person she was.

 

We also came to realize that she used both of us for a lot of things. Mostly for rides because she doesn't drive. That is why she isn't friends with her anymore because she was also being used. She uses all of her friends in fact.

 

Finding out these things helps me out to be honest. It helps to me to realize how crappy of a person she is and how I don't need someone like her in my life.

 

Time to move on! thanks guys for all your help.

[Downtown]

I just hope she doesn't follow me to the same Uni, because she had every intention to before.

TA, I wouldn't worry about it. The university likely will be so much bigger than your community college that it will be difficult to run into the same person twice (unless you're taking the very same courses).

 

I have my close friends and my work friends but making friends at a community college is incredibly difficult.

The problem with trying to meet women at the community college is that, typically, nobody lives on or near campus. CCs tend to draw students who are living at home in the community. Moreover, most of them have jobs to go to. The result, from what I've seen, is that nearly all CC students jump into their cars after they get out of class and go home or to work. Hence, it's like trying to meet someone new at a bus station.

 

In contrast, the students at most universities generally live in dorms or apartments or group homes near the campus and are much more likely to hang out together after class. I therefore believe you will have a much better situation for meeting women when you arrive at the university. Take advantage of the library and coffee houses -- and perhaps forming a study group with a couple of students from one of your classes. Further, if you don't want to join a fraternity, consider becoming active on the student council -- either as a member or as someone who just shows up early at events to help them set things up. They always need volunteers. That's one way I was able to meet young women during my college days.

[bubbaganoosh]

Look the solution is this. Stop following her on any of the communications things out today. Face book and all the other places to get a bunch of useless information and block her from sending you any kind of text messages or phone calls.

 

Let her know that you don't want to here from her and if it keeps up then file harassment charged against her. That is if you really want to but something tells me that you leaving yourself wide open for her and you don't want to let go. Make your mind up friend. All your doing is bailing out water in a boat with a teaspoon and the boat is sinking.

[Chi townD]

Well, sounds like you're heading in the right direction. Setting yourself up for short term self improvements like your wardrobe and going to the gym. DO THEM!!

 

 

Also sounds like you're shy with meeting new people. Like I said earlier find new hobbies and join clubs. It's going to feel weird, but push yourself and do it. You'll find that it really isn't that hard.

 

 

You state that you have anxiety attacks. Anxiety attacks are usually nothing more than a shot of adrenaline released into your system for unknown reasons. The next time you feel an anxiety attack coming on. Do some push ups or some jumping jacks and you should recover pretty quickly once you burn some of that out of your system.

[ta777]

TA, I wouldn't worry about it. The university likely will be so much bigger than your community college that it will be difficult to run into the same person twice (unless you're taking the very same courses).

 

 

The problem with trying to meet women at the community college is that, typically, nobody lives on or near campus. CCs tend to draw students who are living at home in the community. Moreover, most of them have jobs to go to. The result, from what I've seen, is that nearly all CC students jump into their cars after they get out of class and go home or to work. Hence, it's like trying to meet someone new at a bus station.

 

In contrast, the students at most universities generally live in dorms or apartments or group homes near the campus and are much more likely to hang out together after class. I therefore believe you will have a much better situation for meeting women when you arrive at the university. Take advantage of the library and coffee houses -- and perhaps forming a study group with a couple of students from one of your classes. Further, if you don't want to join a fraternity, consider becoming active on the student council -- either as a member or as someone who just shows up early at events to help them set things up. They always need volunteers. That's one way I was able to meet young women during my college days.

You pretty much described me at the community college. Come in, go to class and leave right after. I do have high hopes for the university and can't wait to get to that point in my life. Thanks again for all your help Downtown.

 

Look the solution is this. Stop following her on any of the communications things out today. Face book and all the other places to get a bunch of useless information and block her from sending you any kind of text messages or phone calls.

 

Let her know that you don't want to here from her and if it keeps up then file harassment charged against her. That is if you really want to but something tells me that you leaving yourself wide open for her and you don't want to let go. Make your mind up friend. All your doing is bailing out water in a boat with a teaspoon and the boat is sinking.

I've reached a point where I have no urge to look at her social media. I haven't looked at anything in a while now and I feel good about it. I now understand why NC is so important.

 

Here is the problem now though. I have her blocked on everything but she still continues to call me as unknown every single weekend. Last weekend she said she would stop trying to contact me but this last Sunday she called me twice. She called once at 11:30pm and then again at 1:30am. I was on a road trip and I think she saw my instagram and noticed I was travelling. It just seems like too much of a coincidence.

 

I still don't understand what she wants. She already unloaded the blame on me and told me she was beyond happy with this new guy. Like why can't she just move on like I am? Its been 5/6 weeks since the last time I spoke to her and told her she would never talk to me ever again and she has literally called every single week since.

 

Thanks bubba.

 

Well, sounds like you're heading in the right direction. Setting yourself up for short term self improvements like your wardrobe and going to the gym. DO THEM!!

 

 

Also sounds like you're shy with meeting new people. Like I said earlier find new hobbies and join clubs. It's going to feel weird, but push yourself and do it. You'll find that it really isn't that hard.

 

 

You state that you have anxiety attacks. Anxiety attacks are usually nothing more than a shot of adrenaline released into your system for unknown reasons. The next time you feel an anxiety attack coming on. Do some push ups or some jumping jacks and you should recover pretty quickly once you burn some of that out of your system.

I would say that yes you are right about me being a shy person. It just takes me time to adjust to people, but once I do you would never know I was shy.

 

Interesting, didn't know it was adrenaline. I'll remember this if it happens again! I haven't had an attack or even an urge to cry in a while now. Things are definitely looking up.

 

Thanks again Chi.

Edited January 21, 2015 by ta777

[ta777]

I messed up guys. Yesterday she approached me at school asking if we could talk. I told her no and that we had nothing to talk about. She kept saying that we needed to talk so that she could tell me everything. I told her that I knew all I needed to know. I told her that all she was going to do was blame me for what she did, she replied by saying that wasn't what she intended. She followed me for a few minutes as I tried to lose her and eventually I did a quick u-turn and she stopped following me. The whole time she was begging for me to talk to her, giving me a sad face as if she was a victim.

 

Later on in the night she called me two times, 3 hours apart. Her calling every weekend is driving me insane.

 

So this morning I unblocked her and sent her a text telling her to stop contacting me and that if she didn't stop I would report her.

 

This is when I got sucked in.

 

She said I was her best friend and that she didn't want me out of her life. (What a joke)... She also said that I don't know what happened and why it happened and that I was believe what I wanted to believe. She even had the nerve to say that we both need closure. (More like her relieving her guilt)

 

I continued to tell her to not contact me ever again and that I didn't care about her side of the story. She said that I did care and that I still have feelings for her and that was the reason I was running away from her at school.

 

I told her I didn't need closure from her, a person who betrayed me and lied to me. I also told her she was the most selfish person I have ever met.

 

This is when the blame began to be unloaded on me. She said she didn't do it because she was a b***h or because she was bored. That she let her insecurities get the best of her because of how I had been treating her for months. She said she felt horrible and she knew what she did was wrong. She also said she never felt pretty enough for me. (This boggles my mind)

 

I proceeded to tell her that she had moved on and that she needed to let me move on. She said she hadn't moved on herself. (I guess being in a new relationship isn't moving on...)

 

I told her again that I was going to block her and for her to not speak to me. She said block me all you want but it won't make you feel any better. That we needed to talk and I needed to grow up. (Wow)I replied telling her I was doing good actually and that I was glad to not be in a relationship with her anymore.

 

I told her again to make sure this was the last time we ever talked and she that I was right, that I've always been a heartless dick, always cold. She literally told me this, "I don't know how you're surprised this happened".

 

I told her that she wasn't emotionally healthy and that I wasnt a dick (I had tried to handle things in as civil a manner as possible). She said that it was true but that it was all because of me and the things I did to her. (Looked at girls on the Internet)

 

We just went back and forth. Her saying I treated her like crap and never listened to her or tried to help her (she knows she has a problem? But still blames me). She doesn't know that I know she would talk to guys behind my back throughout our relationship but God forbid I looked at some model on the Internet.

 

Told her one last time that we could never talk again. She tried to hurt me by saying that she didn't have sex with the guy until the day I ended things. (I didn't end things, she did. Unless she means the day I found out and cut her off. Either way, what a nut). She followed it by a "whatever k".

 

Told her she was disgusting and then she started to unload a bunch of texts saying that I wasn't innocent,that I never changed when she begged and cried. She said I never cared for her so it shouldn't even matter to me and she said bye.

 

That was it. I felt like crap, still sorta do but I'm not being sent into a deep depression. I regret sending her that text and getting sucked in. What a mistake. 41 days of NC down the drain.

[GorillaTheater]

It's okay. You slipped. It happens. Dust yourself off and re-commit to NC.

 

Well, 97% NC: I'd be tempted to send the recent exchange to her new guy, asking him to keep his whacked-out girlfriend on a leash.

[ta777]

It's okay. You slipped. It happens. Dust yourself off and re-commit to NC.

 

Well, 97% NC: I'd be tempted to send the recent exchange to her new guy, asking him to keep his whacked-out girlfriend on a leash.

i feel crappy. I hope it doesn't last too long. I feel as if I let her win, I let her relieve her guilt and that is not what I wanted. I want her to sit in it and suffer.

 

I'm tempted to as well, but I'm not sure if revenge is something I should seek. She will just not leave me alone, it's been a month and a half now. Her calling me messes with my head.

 

I also feel like now I have to finish talking to her but my gut tells me that's probably a bad idea.

[Downtown]

I feel as if I let her win, I let her relieve her guilt and that is not what I wanted.

Like GT said, you slipped up but now only have to dust yourself off. It happens to all of us.

 

I'm not sure if revenge is something I should seek.

It is important that BPDers be held fully accountable for their own actions. This means they should be allowed to suffer the logical consequences of their own bad behavior. This does not mean, however, you should add punishment to the mix. If your Ex really is a BPDer, she already suffers 24/7 with traits of a painful disorder I would not wish on my worst enemy.

 

She will just not leave me alone, it's been a month and a half now. Her calling me messes with my head.

No, she has absolutely no power over you. You are in control. As you finish the healing process, you will find that you no longer will allow your head to be messed with by her. You will stop allowing her to bait you into having "just one more talk" with her.

 

I also feel like now I have to finish talking to her but my gut tells me that's probably a bad idea.

I agree with your gut feeling. With BPDers, it really does not matter if you "finish talking to her" or WHAT is said during that "last talk." It is impossible to leave them with a lasting image of yourself that is favorable. Because they are unstable, their moods quickly change and their perception of the ex-partner will be distorted by whatever new mood they are experiencing at the moment.

 

Hence, even if she had acknowledged that everything had been her fault, that confession would have a mighty short shelf life. Trying to build a lasting impression with a BPDer is as pointless as trying to build a lasting sandcastle beside the sea. It all will be washed aside when the next tide of emotions flood her mind. To an untreated BPDer, her intense feelings of the moment will be accepted as self-evident "facts."

[ta777]

Like GT said, you slipped up but now only have to dust yourself off. It happens to all of us.

 

 

It is important that BPDers be held fully accountable for their own actions. This means they should be allowed to suffer the logical consequences of their own bad behavior. This does not mean, however, you should add punishment to the mix. If your Ex really is a BPDer, she already suffers 24/7 with traits of a painful disorder I would not wish on my worst enemy.

 

No, she has absolutely no power over you. You are in control. As you finish the healing process, you will find that you no longer will allow your head to be messed with by her. You will stop allowing her to bait you into having "just one more talk" with her.

 

I agree with your gut feeling. With BPDers, it really does not matter if you "finish talking to her" or WHAT is said during that "last talk." It is impossible to leave them with a lasting image of yourself that is favorable. Because they are unstable, their moods quickly change and their perception of the ex-partner will be distorted by whatever new mood they are experiencing at the moment.

 

Hence, even if she had acknowledged that everything had been her fault, that confession would have a mighty short shelf life. Trying to build a lasting impression with a BPDer is as pointless as trying to build a lasting sandcastle beside the sea. It all will be washed aside when the next tide of emotions flood her mind. To an untreated BPDer, her intense feelings of the moment will be accepted as self-evident "facts."

she is driving me nuts ... I desperately need to see a psychologist. Would it really be punishment though? I just want her to stop, and of I told the guy maybe she would stop?

 

She stalked me outside of my classroom to talk to me, that is crazy. Is the guilt really killing her that much?

 

I had an urge to send her an article about identifying if your partner has BPD/NPD, but I held back.

[Downtown]

she is driving me nuts ... I desperately need to see a psychologist.

Then it would be prudent to see one, if only for a visit or two.

 

Would it really be punishment though? I just want her to stop, and of I told the guy maybe she would stop?

The revenge you spoke of is punishment. That is inappropriate and an immature response. Letting her suffer the logical consequences of her own bad decisions, however, would not be "revenge" or "punishment." For example, your blocking her out is a logical consequence for her stalking behavior. Moreover, if her stalking gets bad enough, filing a restraining order against her would be a logical consequence.

 

She stalked me outside of my classroom to talk to me, that is crazy. Is the guilt really killing her that much?

Perhaps. It is more likely, however, that she simply wants to keep you in reserve as Plan B. BPDers HATE to be alone because they need someone with a stable, strong personality around to center and ground them.

 

I had an urge to send her an article about identifying if your partner has BPD/NPD, but I held back.

Wise decision, TA. If she really is a BPDer, telling her almost certainly would result in her projecting the painful accusation back onto you. Because that projection would occur entirely at the subconscious level (to protect her fragile ego), she would immediately be convinced -- at the conscious level -- that YOU are the BPDer.

 

BPDfamily offers several good articles about how to leave a BPDer. One is http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm. Another is http://www.bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality.

Edited January 24, 2015 by Downtown

[ta777]

Then it would be prudent to see one, if only for a visit or two.

 

The revenge you spoke of is punishment. That is inappropriate and an immature response. Letting her suffer the logical consequences of her own bad decisions, however, would not be "revenge" or "punishment." For example, your blocking her out is a logical consequence for her stalking behavior. Moreover, if her stalking gets bad enough, filing a restraining order against her would be a logical consequence.

 

Perhaps. It is more likely, however, that she simply wants to keep you in reserve as Plan B. BPDers HATE to be alone because they need someone with a stable, strong personality around to center and ground them.

 

Wise decision, TA. If she really is a BPDer, telling her almost certainly would result in her projecting the painful accusation back onto you. Because that projection would occur entirely at the subconscious level (to protect her fragile ego), she would immediately be convinced -- at the conscious level -- that YOU are the BPDer.

 

BPDfamily offers several good articles about how to leave a BPDer. One is Leaving A Partner with Borderline Personalty Disorder-Joe Carver, PhD. Another is Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality | BPDFamily.

I plan on going to my school's counseling office tomorrow for my first visit. hope it goes well!

 

Now that the anger has calmed, I'm glad I didn't seek any revenge on her. It's not my place.

 

I do agree that she is trying to keep me as a plan B, I noticed on her facebook when I confronted her that she added her ex bf as well.

 

Thanks for the links. I've been reading BPDFamily for a few weeks now and it has helped me to understand what had happened in my relationship. It all makes sense now.

 

To add to the drama of this whole debacle, the same day I broke NC to ask her to stop contacting me she sent me another text indirectly through her cousin. It was a screenshot of something she had written.

 

It was a somewhat short apology for what she did, but it was not sincere or genuine at all. She just said she was sorry for lying and manipulating me. That's all, no apology for using me, cheating, anything. She can't accept responsibility for any of her actions because of the BPD, she probably isn't even sorry at all.

 

She said that I was right that she needed to move on after I had told her that she needed to move on and let me do the same. She had initially said she hadn't moved on. Being in a relationship with someone else for a few months now isn't moving on apparently. She also added that she was tired of empty promises (me not stopping from looking at girls online) and that she handled it wrong and was really sorry. She said she still had love for me. (I can't help but laugh at this).

 

She then continued to add unnecessary tidbits to hurt me or make me feel bad again. She said that she was with someone who truly loves her and who is doing his best to make her feel better. I'm assuming that she tells this guy I'm the reason she is "damaged" and etc. Then she ended it with a nice jab saying she hopes I find someone to make me happy and who cares for me like how she found this new guy. Oh man, if only she knew how much I loved and cared for her. BPD is a sad, sad illness.

 

Overall, nothing seemed sincere. It was just monotone and not very apologetic in my eyes.

 

I replied, in a jerk tone I must admit. I used acronyms like "LMAO". I told her that when you love someone you don't cheat on them and for her to save the BS. Told her she needs to work on herself and that happiness doesn't come from other people but rather your own self.

 

I also mentioned that I thought it was funny that I was the bad guy for looking at girls on instagram when she was the one talking and going out with guys behind my back our whole relationship. I even added a "talk about crazy". I had found out from her ex best friend that she was always emotionally cheating on me by talking to guys, I never knew. Apparently she would also go out with them when she would initiate breaks on fights that she would start! I know this to be true because minutes after I sent that the ex best friend told me she contacted her asking if "Did you tell ta777 about the s*** I did?!".

 

I also said some other things that don't even matter like telling her that I truly did love her until her true colors showed. How she needs to stop blaming everyone else for her insecurities and etc and just ended it with a "I wish the best, bye."

 

I know I didn't handle it well but I was in the zone that day, just full of anger at how much of a hypocrite she is, how she tried to blame it all on me and how bad of a person she really is. All this time I thought I knew her but I was wrong, I know nothing of who she really is.

 

I found out other lies about her too. How she has had me believing for 2 years now that she left school to be with me when in fact the reason she even came back was because she was kicked out for being caught with marijuana twice on campus. She blamed me for wasting her education when it was all her all along. How she had been smoking the whole relationship when she said she quit. She would use this against me by saying "hey I quit weed for you but you don't quit looking at girls online".

 

I feel like I let her win in all of this. I wish I stood NC but now I think she relieved her guilt. She probably feels great now and that's why she is willing to stop contacting me. She even had the nerve to tell me that I still had feelings for her because I tried running away from her when she stalked me. She knows I'm not doing well and she is probably loving it.

 

The worst part of this all is feeling as if you weren't really ever in love with the person you thought you knew so well. That is what breaks my heart.

Edited January 27, 2015 by ta777

[myheartaches]

Soooo.... in relationships you must compromise. If she already had low self-esteem, it's not the best idea to go and masturbate to sexy women over the internet!! That means that she is not pleasing you enough sexually, and that can really hurt a girlfriend. We love to please our men, and knowing we can't do that job, well it sucks. Sooo... you really should've stopped with that addiction :(

 

Anyways, I'm proud of your NC. You are being really strong. She could be happy, or she could just hope you will see it, and make you jealous. Games really aren't very fun. If she is trying to contact you, maybe you should see what she wants. If you want to try a relationship again, you should communicate with her. Communication is so important. I think maybe you should be like "Hey why do you keep contacting me if you have a bf? What's the deal because you are confusing the **** out of me, and it's getting really annoying" and wham! Convo beings! :)

[Chi townD]

Well, you broke NC. But, you stood up to her bullsh*t and didn't except the blame. So, your Ex is bat sh*t crazy. Expect her to do some crazy and nasty stuff just to hurt you.

 

 

I have a feeling that she's not done.

[Light Breeze]

If you want to try a relationship again, you should communicate with her. Communication is so important. I think maybe you should be like "Hey why do you keep contacting me if you have a bf? What's the deal because you are confusing the **** out of me, and it's getting really annoying" and wham! Convo beings! :)

 

 

After the lying, cheating, and manipulating why would he want that?

[ta777]

Well, you broke NC. But, you stood up to her bullsh*t and didn't except the blame. So, your Ex is bat sh*t crazy. Expect her to do some crazy and nasty stuff just to hurt you.

 

 

I have a feeling that she's not done.

My counselor said the same. She doesn't think she is done with me just yet. She gave me some exercises to prepare for another confrontation and to manage my anxiety.

 

After the lying, cheating, and manipulating why would he want that?

Couldn't have said it better myself. Not only that, she had cheated on me multiple times in the past.

 

After having gone to counseling yesterday I felt good. She actually was very knowledgeable of borderline personality disorder and even did her dissertation on it! After all that I told her she did say it sounded like she has it. In her own words, she said my ex is crazy and that she did me a favor.

 

Problem is that today I woke up dreaming of her all morning. Dreaming of the good times we had together. Dreaming of sex. On this gloomy day I miss her so very much, or at least who I thought she was. I wish days like this didn't come around too often.