Is this a man/woman thing or a matter of values?

[patriciasex]

My girlfriend said recently something like this:

 

"If I (she) find myself interested in another guy, that means something is wrong in my relationship and I have to either fix the relationship, or get out of it. It is better to break up in those situations than to cheat."

 

Then we were watching TV the other night and a woman on some show said basically the same thing: "If I find myself kissing another man, then there is a reason for it and my man at home ain't doing it for me anymore."

 

My girlfriend pointed at the screen as if to say "See! I am not the only one!"

 

I have heard many women - prominent feminists, many song and movies express similar ideas. Hell, I just watched the movie "Wild" the other day and it too had a similar message - "maybe I was mean to f$ck all those men...(while married)" I posted this on another site and at least two women agreed with this perspective.

 

I will admit that I felt sort of stunned for a minute because of the implications. But it opened my eyes. I have been playing by a different set of rules my whole life.

 

I was raised to believe (and it has been reinforced repeatedly by the best people around me) that if I feel an attraction to someone else, it is my lack of character, discipline and/or commitment that is the issue - not my girlfriend or our relationship.

 

I was told that if I feel attracted to someone else - as I do from time to time - I have to 'change the channel' and think about something else. It works like a charm. Once that attraction subsides, I don't really want anything from that woman any more. It just takes a bit of time and discipline and it always goes away. It really does work.

 

But now I am starting to think.

 

Maybe my girlfriend is right.

 

I keep having relationship issues and maybe this is the key. When I feel those attractions, I should listen! I cannot overemphasize how profound this is for me. HOLY CRAP! This is a HUGE epiphany!

 

If I find myself attracted to someone else, SOMETHING IS WRONG! - what the F have I been doing all these years? I sort of feel like an idiot wondering why men are from mars and all that!

 

I get it now! This is honestly a shocking revelation to me. When I feel those attractions, it is like the universe telling me something. And me like an idiot kept thinking it was me, when all the time it has been my relationship that was the problem. I feel like a fool because it isn't like the message has been subtle and at my age I should have known by now.

 

 

What do you think?

[todreaminblue]

My girlfriend said recently something like this:

 

"If I (she) find myself interested in another guy, that means something is wrong in my relationship and I have to either fix the relationship, or get out of it. It is better to break up in those situations than to cheat."

 

Then we were watching TV the other night and a woman on some show said basically the same thing: "If I find myself kissing another man, then there is a reason for it and my man at home ain't doing it for me anymore."

 

My girlfriend pointed at the screen as if to say "See! I am not the only one!"

 

I have heard many women - prominent feminists, many song and movies express similar ideas. Hell, I just watched the movie "Wild" the other day and it too had a similar message - "maybe I was mean to f$ck all those men...(while married)" I posted this on another site and at least two women agreed with this perspective.

 

I will admit that I felt sort of stunned for a minute because of the implications. But it opened my eyes. I have been playing by a different set of rules my whole life.

 

I was raised to believe (and it has been reinforced repeatedly by the best people around me) that if I feel an attraction to someone else, it is my lack of character, discipline and/or commitment that is the issue - not my girlfriend or our relationship.

 

I was told that if I feel attracted to someone else - as I do from time to time - I have to 'change the channel' and think about something else. It works like a charm. Once that attraction subsides, I don't really want anything from that woman any more. It just takes a bit of time and discipline and it always goes away. It really does work.

 

But now I am starting to think.

 

Maybe my girlfriend is right.

 

I keep having relationship issues and maybe this is the key. When I feel those attractions, I should listen! I cannot overemphasize how profound this is for me. HOLY CRAP! This is a HUGE epiphany!

 

If I find myself attracted to someone else, SOMETHING IS WRONG! - what the F have I been doing all these years? I sort of feel like an idiot wondering why men are from mars and all that!

 

I get it now! This is honestly a shocking revelation to me. When I feel those attractions, it is like the universe telling me something. And me like an idiot kept thinking it was me, when all the time it has been my relationship that was the problem. I feel like a fool because it isn't like the message has been subtle and at my age I should have known by now.

 

 

What do you think?

 

i think both perspectives fit.......it can be either or ...or a mix of both...depends on the situation at the time...not one perspective can fit all situations in every relationship with every person..each situation faced is unique and must be dealt with individually ....its also in the dynamic of conflict resolution....of the person feeling the attraction and the person who is being not thought of....its in the resolution with her or him..

 

 

its not the problem that is the problem its the attitude to the problem

that each individual has together and separately.........that is the actual issue.....deb

[Woggle]

Maybe you need to rethink your relationship. She is showing some red flags.

[Mr. Lucky]

when all the time it has been my relationship that was the problem.

 

If this were really true, no relationship would last longer than 37 minutes.

 

I'm married, not deaf, dumb and blind. There are other attractive and interesting people in this world, some of which I'm going to feel a gravitational pull towards. Since I'm committed to my spouse, I'm able to place those feelings in context. Sometimes, I even allow myself 30 seconds of fantasizing and reverie .

 

Lots of restaurants open around me, but I'm all about the home cookin"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mal78]

My girlfriend said recently something like this:

 

"If I (she) find myself interested in another guy, that means something is wrong in my relationship and I have to either fix the relationship, or get out of it. It is better to break up in those situations than to cheat."

 

Then we were watching TV the other night and a woman on some show said basically the same thing: "If I find myself kissing another man, then there is a reason for it and my man at home ain't doing it for me anymore."

 

My girlfriend pointed at the screen as if to say "See! I am not the only one!"

 

I have heard many women - prominent feminists, many song and movies express similar ideas. Hell, I just watched the movie "Wild" the other day and it too had a similar message - "maybe I was mean to f$ck all those men...(while married)" I posted this on another site and at least two women agreed with this perspective.

 

I will admit that I felt sort of stunned for a minute because of the implications. But it opened my eyes. I have been playing by a different set of rules my whole life.

 

I was raised to believe (and it has been reinforced repeatedly by the best people around me) that if I feel an attraction to someone else, it is my lack of character, discipline and/or commitment that is the issue - not my girlfriend or our relationship.

 

I was told that if I feel attracted to someone else - as I do from time to time - I have to 'change the channel' and think about something else. It works like a charm. Once that attraction subsides, I don't really want anything from that woman any more. It just takes a bit of time and discipline and it always goes away. It really does work.

 

But now I am starting to think.

 

Maybe my girlfriend is right.

 

I keep having relationship issues and maybe this is the key. When I feel those attractions, I should listen! I cannot overemphasize how profound this is for me. HOLY CRAP! This is a HUGE epiphany!

 

If I find myself attracted to someone else, SOMETHING IS WRONG! - what the F have I been doing all these years? I sort of feel like an idiot wondering why men are from mars and all that!

 

I get it now! This is honestly a shocking revelation to me. When I feel those attractions, it is like the universe telling me something. And me like an idiot kept thinking it was me, when all the time it has been my relationship that was the problem. I feel like a fool because it isn't like the message has been subtle and at my age I should have known by now.

 

 

What do you think?

 

Cheaters cheat because they "choose" to cheat. There is no driving force or anyone else to blame for that choice.

 

If someone is feeling their relationship is lacking or their partner is not filling needs that she/he needs to be filled by them then I believe that's when communication needs to start. Relationships take effort. To have an affair and then blame shift on your partner that he/she wasn't "filling the order" at home and therefore the betraying spouse had to get "take-out" is wrong although you hear it way too often that reason.

 

I don't buy the "attracted to someone else so the universe is telling you something". There is more to love and relationships than just being attracted to someone. Should you act on every single person you are attracted to? What if that person isn't available but you are still attracted to them so there must be something wrong with your relationship?

 

Start questioning your gf's theories on the subject. Ask her was she is REALLY trying to tell you because up until this point just simply feeling attracted to someone else was normal. Now she has your head spinning.

[SJS]

I agree with Mr. Lucky. There have been several times during my marriage where I've met another man and thought if I was single, I'd go for him...it's a fun little fantasy but that's it. I love my husband and what we have and wouldn't jeopardize it with cheating. I'm not dead, and just because I find someone else attractive does not mean I'll cheat. If it interfered or there came a point where I found every man more attractive than my husband, then there would be a problem. I think your girlfriend is too extreme.

[Rejected Rosebud]

My girlfriend said recently something like this:

 

"If I (she) find myself interested in another guy, that means something is wrong in my relationship and I have to either fix the relationship, or get out of it. It is better to break up in those situations than to cheat."

 

 

I get it now! This is honestly a shocking revelation to me. When I feel those attractions, it is like the universe telling me something. And me like an idiot kept thinking it was me, when all the time it has been my relationship that was the problem. I feel like a fool because it isn't like the message has been subtle and at my age I should have known by now.

 

 

What do you think?

I think you've gotta be kidding me! And what's with all you guys talking about the girlfriend's "bad behavior" and "red flags"? She said the relationship needs to be fixed or ended RATHER THAN CHEATING!:bunny:

 

But OP why you seem to be going off the deep end kind of is that she said INTERESTED in another man, not attracted. They are not the same thing. If you are all excited and feeling like you've had a revelation because being attracted to other people means that your relationship is messed up, sorry!! And what you were taught is true, (I think anyway ) if you are attracted you SHOULD "change the channel." How a person acts upon their attractions to other people IS up to them personally.

[patriciasex]

Thanks for clarifying. I did not say or imply that anyone was cheating. In fact, it is a bit worse than cheating - it is ending the relationship to be with someone else.

 

Which is more devastating? I will let you all decide.

 

It was just an eye opener for me. It never clicked, but I had heard that message a thousand times in my life and it never really sank in. I just thought you just work through it.

 

The fact that 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women makes so much sense now.

 

They will not cheat - they will leave.

 

That is a harsh reality to wake up to at my age. It sucks. But I appreciate knowing now.

 

I guess I can never really expect anything to be life-long. This is what I read from this because there WILL be other attractions. Sooner or later.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Thanks for clarifying. I did not say or imply that anyone was cheating. In fact, it is a bit worse than cheating - it is ending the relationship to be with someone else.

 

Which is more devastating? I will let you all decide.

cheating of course, can there be any question? Being left for someone else is awful but at least you were treated honestly and besides, obviously it wasn't the right match or else they wouldn't have left you. Or maybe they're just a creepy person either way you're better off right?

 

It was just an eye opener for me. It never clicked, but I had heard that message a thousand times in my life and it never really sank in. I just thought you just work through it.

Of course. Just like you said in your OP: I have to either fix the relationship, or get out of it.

That doesn't imply that the person is necessarily going to leave, fixing the relationship is the first option, see?

 

 

The fact that 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women makes so much sense now.

 

They will not cheat - they will leave.

whoa, now you've lost me completely.

 

 

I guess I can never really expect anything to be life-long. This is what I read from this because there WILL be other attractions. Sooner or later.

??? Really? You have never experienced an attraction to somebody who wasn't your partner? Wow, an anomaly!

[Trimmer]

Thanks for clarifying. I did not say or imply that anyone was cheating. In fact, it is a bit worse than cheating - it is ending the relationship to be with someone else.

 

Which is more devastating? I will let you all decide.

I think you just gave your opinion: are you saying that you find leaving the relationship for someone else to be worse than cheating?

 

I am of the opposite opinion. My feeling is: if our relationship is broken to the point where you are about to cheat, then you should either try to fix it or leave it first. Cheating is the lowest, worst option.

[d0nnivain]

If I pass a handsome man on the street & fleetingly think gee, he's cute, my relationship & my character are just fine.

 

If I find myself obsessing about another person or truly wanting to be with him, then I look at my relationship to determine what is missing. If something is that lacking, I end it.

[BetrayedH]

There is no formula on "what women would do" vs "what men would do." If you're not aware, plenty of women cheat. Visit the infidelity forum for a while and you'll find plenty of men devastated by what their otherwise great wives did to them.

 

I agree with your GF entirely that if someone is tempted to cheat, they should either fix the relationship or leave it rather than cheating.

 

Where I do not agree is that an attraction to someone else means that there is something wrong or missing in the primary relationship. People are attracted to others all the time. Whether they choose to act on it isn't some magical perfect relationship control system but the individual's choice to act or not act on that attraction. Retroactively blaming a poor decision on a partner or relationship is a common rationalization of cheaters. "Well, if I was cheating, I obviously wasn't happy in the relationship." With your GF, it's apparent that if she cheats on you, it'll be your fault. I would be very wary of such a person.

 

By the way, just because a lot of other people believe something doesn't make it right. Personally, my life choices are my own. They aren't driven by the mystical winds of attraction. And I'm also not looking for my partner to be responsible for my happiness. I am responsible for my happiness. Trying to be responsible for someone else's happiness is pretty much guaranteed to be a failing endeavor. What happens when she decides that she wants a different penis, or perhaps two of them? Those that are looking for others to make them happy are apt to run towards the next sparkly object and absolve themselves for their lack of loyalty by blaming it on mythical things like destiny or finding their "soulmate" or some other such nonsense.

 

If you've had an epiphany about anything, I hope it's that you realize that some people really just need to grow up.

[Timshel]

LOL, I am wondering if you believe that attraction is an auto no-no. Attraction is superficial. It takes getting to know a person to believe whether or not it should be pursued. If you are in a committed R and content, attraction nips itself in the bud.

 

If you find yourself longing to know more and spend more time with someone, then focusing on your R to understand the lapse would be called for as opposed to acting on the attraction.

 

It seems you are loyal and committed which is fabulous. Just know that if in doubt as far as attraction is concerned (perfectly normal) turn toward the R first and settle it before turning to a new thing.

 

Your gf sounds like an open, honest person having R banter. Discuss further with her as it will help lay healthy boundaries for your relationship.

[BetrayedH]

If you find yourself longing to know more and spend more time with someone, then focusing on your R to understand the lapse would be called for as opposed to acting on the attraction.

 

It's also merited to look inward. Some people's "unhappiness" or desire to stray comes from having an excessive need for external validation, or an overdeveloped sense of entitlement, or severe conflict-avoidance. Or an attraction to someone else develops simply because we don't put up effective boundaries to protect the relationship to which we are committed. In some cases, there's a combination of these factors. Notably, none of these have to do with the partner. For some people, the affection of no one person is sufficient to meet their "needs."

 

I also think it's apt to keep in mind that the grass isn't greener on the other side; it's greener where you water it.

 

Loved the rest of the post, by the way. Just wanted to note that sometimes it's important to look at more than our partner or relationship if one starts to become unhappy or starts to think about their options - we too often look for external answers when the reality is that happiness comes from within.

[evanescentworld]

I think you need to review your epiphany.

 

Your GF has already said that in circumstances where she is INTERESTED in another man, something within the relationship needs an overhaul.

 

In other words, she would look to fix, repair, amend, address, modify, improve and maintain her relationship, with you, rather than take the apparently easier route and cheat.

 

Commendable. Highly praiseworthy and admirable.

You have a good GF there....

 

Attraction is a different matter.

 

My H is visually 'attracted' to sultry brunettes, with come-hither eyes and oval faces...

 

I love an older man, and intellect is very sexy to me.... Donald Sutherland, Anthony Hopkins, Ian McKellen, Alan Rickman.... those kinds of faces and minds are very powerful to me.

 

Neither my H nor I have any fears, worries, concerns or trust issues, at all, in any sense of the words, regarding these attractions.

And yes, I know Sir Ian McKellen is homosexual.

Doesn't stop me being attracted to him.

 

Because attraction is not always sexual, see.......?

 

Your epiphany simply means that if you are ATTRACTED to anyone, that's perfectly OK.

 

If you become interested in anyone else, other than your GF, you would owe her the same consideration and respect, that she would be intent on giving you.

[Timshel]

It's also merited to look inward. Some people's "unhappiness" or desire to stray comes from having an excessive need for external validation, or an overdeveloped sense of entitlement, or severe conflict-avoidance. Or an attraction to someone else develops simply because we don't put up effective boundaries to protect the relationship to which we are committed. In some cases, there's a combination of these factors. Notably, none of these have to do with the partner. For some people, the affection of no one person is sufficient to meet their "needs."

 

I also think it's apt to keep in mind that the grass isn't greener on the other side; it's greener where you water it.

 

Loved the rest of the post, by the way. Just wanted to note that sometimes it's important to look at more than our partner or relationship if one starts to become unhappy or starts to think about their options - we too often look for external answers when the reality is that happiness comes from within.

 

I agree with you, however, this does not seem to be an issue with the OP.

[Gloria25]

Look, to me it's simple.

 

There's two kinds of cheaters:

 

(1) Dogs - Nothing's wrong in their RLs. They just wanna have partners like they are in an ice cream shop and wanna try every flavor. They will never be satisfied. Usually cuz they have low self-esteem. They seek constant attention and/or affirmation of their being attractive to others.

 

(2) Starved - something's missing in their RL. Maybe their wife got fat and/or gave up on having sex, treating him with affection, etc.

 

And,

 

Sometimes there's a #3:

 

(3) "Grass is Greener Syndrome (GIGS)" - The person may have a one time slip and it never happens again.

 

I'm not condoning cheating...but it happens. Not all the time the person cheating is a dog. Yes, regardless of what may be happening (i.e. GIGS or starvation), it still is up to the person to make the decision to actually cheat - but you can only kick a dog for so long before it bites back.

[preraph]

The times when I was in love, for however long the unblemished feeling lasted, I was completely blind to other men, no matter how attractive -- and I was always around attractive men. If I'm wandering, then I know I'm losing interest. That doesn't mean it's the guy's fault. Just means it's ran its course. For me, it usually doesn't take until I'm attracted to someone else to realize I'm losing interest though. If I become blase about sex, that seems to be the first sign, or just feeling restless, like I want to go on a trip. For me it's really no different then when I'm first realizing I want to leave a job. I start having trouble waking up, wanting to go to work, may even get psychosomatic and make myself sick because I don't want to have to make a change or admit it's time, but down deep I know I'm going to have to and my body will tell me that.

 

It's not the equivalent of simply going with everyone you think is attractive. Having a real connection with someone is not on the same level as having an attraction and things in common and loving to talk to them and being interested in them as a person. They say men never stop looking. But some women do. Not all.

 

Of course, commitment means you make a pact not to give in to these feelings and to try to work it out even when it's not fun anymore, for the sake of the children or whatever.

[ktya]

Old school:

 

You committ to someone. You compromise, you work things out, you take the good with the bad. When times get tough you stick together. If there are problems, you work things out. If you have a crush on someone else for a while you fight it and accept that its just part of being human.

 

New school in postfeminist era:

 

Do whatever you want, whoever you want. If it feels good, do it. If your attracted to someone else, it must be your partners fault or shortcoming. Accept no responsibility or blame and to hell with being accountable. If times get tough, walk. Never compromise. Expect perfection from your partner, and if they cant live up to it walk away, people are disposeable.

 

Choose your school.

[Timshel]

Old school:

 

You committ to someone. You compromise, you work things out, you take the good with the bad. When times get tough you stick together. If there are problems, you work things out. If you have a crush on someone else for a while you fight it and accept that its just part of being human.

 

New school in postfeminist era:

 

Do whatever you want, whoever you want. If it feels good, do it. If your attracted to someone else, it must be your partners fault or shortcoming. Accept no responsibility or blame and to hell with being accountable. If times get tough, walk. Never compromise. Expect perfection from your partner, and if they cant live up to it walk away, people are disposeable.

 

Choose your school.

 

I missed OP being in this place^^. It can be difficult to come on this site for advice because there is so much PROJECTION. I see so many times the comments swerve far away from the OP's question or line of thinking.

 

Dude was for the first time thinking that attraction to others can happen while in an LTR and navigating within these parameters.

[A O]

What do you think?

I think its all just a point of view. I think that values and anything of any real meaning really only enters the equation if we act on the attraction or somehow allow it to interfere with our relationship.

 

Many people in relationships are attracted to others, I think that is relatively normal...what we do about that, again, I think is key.

[patriciasex]

... Or an attraction to someone else develops simply because we don't put up effective boundaries to protect the relationship to which we are committed.

 

...the grass isn't greener on the other side; it's greener where you water it.

 

 

Wow! These are two brilliant thoughts.

 

I agree. Or at least I used to.

 

I sense a bit of defensiveness/judgment from some folks here. That's okay - I am used to it. These things have a lot of weight for some people.

 

Ultimately this was an eye opener for me. I guess I still need to think this through.

 

I do not want someone to cheat on me. Period. Cheating is wrong. Period.

 

AND - I also do not want someone to think that just because there is a guy at work and he seems really amazing, that this is somehow a relationship failure! What the hell man?!

 

That mindset has always been problematic to me. But just because I disagree or do not like it doesn't mean it is not valid. It seems to me to be just a matter of fit.

 

So if my woman is living by this assumption, then our relationship is doomed. She WILL find someone attractive sooner or later. That is when your relationship is tested. And what many women have told me is that for them, when something like this happens - it is basically over.

 

Just a thought. I guess I am still spinning. Not so much from her, but the conflicting responses here and elsewhere. One would think that for such a basic value there would be more unanimity in responses.

 

Go figure.

[MissBee]

"If I (she) find myself interested in another guy, that means something is wrong in my relationship and I have to either fix the relationship, or get out of it. It is better to break up in those situations than to cheat."

[/b]

 

I was raised to believe (and it has been reinforced repeatedly by the best people around me) that if I feel an attraction to someone else, it is my lack of character, discipline and/or commitment that is the issue - not my girlfriend or our relationship.

 

I was told that if I feel attracted to someone else - as I do from time to time - I have to 'change the channel' and think about something else. It works like a charm. Once that attraction subsides, I don't really want anything from that woman any more. It just takes a bit of time and discipline and it always goes away. It really does work.

 

What do you think?

 

I think it's a combination of things and needs to be a bit more nuanced than this.

 

Monogamy is a choice. Most of us have the ability to be attracted to multiple people at a time. There is no magic switch where once you get married or are in a relationship you can never again find someone else attractive or click with someone else. However, for folks who choose monogamy they've made the choice not to entertain and feed those possible other avenues of attraction. That requires boundaries and doing and not doing particular things. It is false to believe that because you are in a relationship, no matter what you do henceforth things will be fine and you can never again feel something for someone else. That's not really true. The longer your relationship is the more likely it is you can indeed meet other people you'd also be compatible with.

 

In the beginning when most of us are hopped up on dopamine and the pleasure centers of our brain are being stimulated in the early stages of being in love we tend to have tunnel vision and focus only on that person we're with. However, with time, the initial high tends to wear off as the relationship becomes more stable and then the tunnel vision isn't so bad. Relationship experts often talk about how it's during this time that a lot of people get antsy or feel like things aren't working out because the high has worn off. Some people realize this is normal and learn to move into a different phase of the relationship and others simply hop from relationship to relationship chasing the initial high and some folks also cheat to regain that new love feeling.

 

Feeling attraction to someone else isn't wrong but acting on it when you've made an agreement to be monogamous is certainly about your own character, discipline and issues. But just feeling it in and of itself isn't wrong. It happens. Your gf is right in that I think how invested you are in the relationship and how well things are going might make it so that you are less likely to notice or feed other attractions whereas if you're not all in, committed or emotionally mature you might lack proper boundaries and feed the attraction and if that's the case you have to, like she said, figure out what's up and either fix it or leave before cheating.

 

People who don't cheat are not people who've never felt attraction to someone else. Attraction itself isn't a problem but if you're entertaining cheating then yes it signals that something is amiss that needs fixing. The choice to cheat is solely on you as not all people unhappy in their relationships choose that option and it isn't some inevitable step. However, why you're entertaining others can be for a hosts of reasons and how honest you are with yourself and your SO about it is what counts. How happy you are in your relationship is a factor but happiness is defined in lots of ways and like I previously mentioned, for some people when the romantic high wears off as it tends to they don't know how to make the transition and so are always in search of that with new people and may stay in a relationship and cheat looking for that....if that is one's measure of happiness then the problem isn't your relationship itself but you, as chances are no matter who you're with the high wears off and if that is your marker for things being "right" they will never be. Other times it's that you need to communicate with your SO and work on an aspect you're dissatisfied with and other times you need to just leave altogether as it's not fulfilling your needs.

Edited January 10, 2015 by MissBee

[elaine567]

So if my woman is living by this assumption, then our relationship is doomed. She WILL find someone attractive sooner or later. That is when your relationship is tested. And what many women have told me is that for them, when something like this happens - it is basically over.

 

Attracted does not mean interested.

It is possible to be very attracted, but when it spills over to being interested and then following through on that interest, is when the trouble may start.

Thing is that some women and some men may appear very interested, they may appear to go over boundaries, but in reality are always true to the relationship, whereas others may appear on the surface to be very disinterested in others, but are in reality untrue to the spirit of the relationship and are seeking to leave.

People are complicated.

I do not see any partlcular red flags in what your gf said, but you seem to see it is a sure sign she is leaving you...the writing is on the wall...

 

I do not think you are very happy in this relationship and are seeking ways to get out of it, I would guess.

If you want out, just go, do not try and blame stuff on your gf.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Old school:

 

You committ to someone. You compromise, you work things out, you take the good with the bad. When times get tough you stick together. If there are problems, you work things out. If you have a crush on someone else for a while you fight it and accept that its just part of being human.

IF YOU ARE MARRIED. If you are "dating" like the OP, you are free to make the decision that this is not the right person or relationship for you, aren't you? I believe you exercise that freedom yourself right?

 

New school in postfeminist era:

 

Do whatever you want, whoever you want. If it feels good, do it. If your attracted to someone else, it must be your partners fault or shortcoming. Accept no responsibility or blame and to hell with being accountable. If times get tough, walk. Never compromise. Expect perfection from your partner, and if they cant live up to it walk away, people are disposeable.

 

Choose your school.

I agree with you on one point. People treat commitment like it doesn't mean anything and I imagine they tended to take it more seriously in days gone by.

Nobody in this thread said that anything was the partner's fault or shortcoming though, they said "fix the relationship or leave it." Don't you agree with that? It sounds just like common sense to me!