SOLACEMENT Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 ...so I don't want to say I am going through a break up since we never were in a relationship and it is over at this point. ****I think this belongs in the dating section. I promise there is a question somewhere in the wall of text but I just need to vent a bit***** However I started dating this guy seriously around July 4th of 2014. We talked on and off over the previous year and a half but nothing serious. So after the first month and half of dating he decided to have the talk right before my birthday (which is when we first had sex) - requesting that we aren't talking to anyone else and seeing if it could work between us. To which I agreed and advised him that if we didn't decide on a relationship status by the end of the year we could call it quits since I am not in a place where I will wait for a guy to commit. Well.. 4 months later , we spent all weekends together, and were seeing each about 2-3 times during the week at a minimum. This constant contact was his idea - I did not push to always see him. We were always around each other and have both introduced each other to our friends(we don't have family where we both relocated). So the week before Thanksgiving he made a comment about applying for jobs elsewhere which put me in a place to have the relationship talk. Which is when he told he wasn't ready for a relationship so I said that is fine and advised him that I will proceed to back away. He asked me if I that I was cancelling our Thanksgiving plans, I said no and spent a great Thanksgivings with him and his roommates. However it was emotional for me since I knew it was the end and I would have to start no contact since I love this boy. Anyway after Thanksgiving I decided to do as I told him and start to back away. He said I was acting different so I told him since he isn't ready for a relationship I will have to move on. He tried to see if I will continue hanging out but I went no contact after telling him I needed time. I took two weeks to myself and then gave him the option to hang out but casually. He asked me to come to his house to which I declined. So he brushed me off as if our friendship was nothing so I took that as it was even though that is the most hurtful thing about this. He contacted me several times since, saying stuff like he knows I miss him, and sent me a text me one New Years saying that he loved me and wished me the best but I know actions speak louder than words so I didn't let him bait me. Since for some reason he doesn't seem care much for me. However this has left me in a stump. I know I am not place to date granted I have not seen this boy since November but I did love him and know I have to give myself time to review and reflect. I feel lead on by him but I can't make sense of it. I really don't want to continue in a bitter state but I don't understand what it takes for a guy to commit or what signs I should be looking for that he won't commit? Like I know people are selfish and this situation shows it but I need to know how to avoid situations like this or look out for it. Please help ....smile
Leigh 87 Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Even the men that have been single for ages and who never bother putting any effort into a girl - even they change their tune once they meet a girl who they really care for. After 3 months - a guy who was really into you from the outset and had real feelings for you, would be in love with you by that stage and by month one or so - guys who are really into you tend to ask for a relationship. The guy who WASN'T that into me, was the guy who dragged his feet and didn't want to "label" us. For a good 5 or 6 months. We remained together, he ended up calling me his girlfriend but he never "grew" into me. Take it from me - men who say that they "aren't ready for a relationship" after months of hanging around you - what they are saying is: I like you a lot as a person, perhaps even love you as a person, I enjoy hanging out with you and the sex is great.. however, you're not it for me, I don't look to you as that woman that I want as the mother of my children, or the woman I want to commit to in marriage" He would absolutely be ready for a relationship with the right woman! Do not let him be selfish and try to convince you to "hang out" and give him more sex and more of your time! How selfish is this!? He KNOW'S you want more, and yet he continually reaches out to you because HE wants sex and company - knowing that you want more and are upset and NOT OKAY about the situation. This guy doesn't care about you. He cares a little - but the guys who truly care tend to cut contact once they know a girl is more into them than they are into her - they cut it off because they know that it isn't fair to the poor girl to be hanging around him when she wants more than he does! Move on to a guy who is THRILLED about entering into a relationship with you after 1 - 2 months - AVOID men who drag their feet and say they "are not ready for a relationship" after MONTHS. He already knew you well enough after a month in order to determine whether or not he liked you enough to entre into a relationship with you. 2
Danda Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 It looks like it was a tug-of-war.. with him not wanting a relationship and you wanting one. You agreed to wait half a year to see if he would commit. That was unnecessary and likely stemmed from wishful thinking, I'd guess. If 2 months into dating you he wasn't sure yet, then chances are he was never going to be. And chances are he knew that. But you were waiting to give him several more months of not having to. That showed that you actually ARE willing to wait a ridiculous amount of time for a guy to decide if he wants to commit to trying an official relationship or not, and then he knew it. He knew you had plenty of high and false hope going on and he probably figured that even after the 'deadline' he could keep milking that hope further. Well he was wrong, and he's probably a little shocked by that, which is probably why he keeps trying to test you waters with the "I know you miss me" shenanigans (how self-inflated of him btw lol). He's probably genuinely stunned to some extent that you stuck to your guns, was probably expecting you to be a pushover about it. I'd say in the future, set a deadline a little sooner, and DON'T tell the guy that there is a deadline. Maybe give them 3 months of dating to see if they want an official relationship, and if after 3 months it's still going nowhere, I'd strongly consider doing the fade at that point. But you don't want to tell them there's a deadline because then it's not natural. Either they will feel pressured and bolt, or they will think, "So I can fool around with this chick for at least 3 months, cool." But if they're genuinely interested I believe they will want to try an official relationship within 3 months of dating, and there will be no need for a formal discussion on timetables and deadlines. My 2 cents opinion. 1
Author SOLACEMENT Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 We did not date before this July. So I didn't talk to him for two years waiting for a relationship. This was a 4 -5 month period . However I wouldn't agree to a relationship at 2 months but I see your point. Plus I have not had any real contact with him in over a month and have no plan to. So I am not waiting for him to change his mind.
todreaminblue Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 It looks like it was a tug-of-war.. with him not wanting a relationship and you wanting one. You agreed to wait half a year to see if he would commit. That was unnecessary and likely stemmed from wishful thinking, I'd guess. If 2 months into dating you he wasn't sure yet, then chances are he was never going to be. And chances are he knew that. But you were waiting to give him several more months of not having to. That showed that you actually ARE willing to wait a ridiculous amount of time for a guy to decide if he wants to commit to trying an official relationship or not, and then he knew it. He knew you had plenty of high and false hope going on and he probably figured that even after the 'deadline' he could keep milking that hope further. Well he was wrong, and he's probably a little shocked by that, which is probably why he keeps trying to test you waters with the "I know you miss me" shenanigans (how self-inflated of him btw lol). He's probably genuinely stunned to some extent that you stuck to your guns, was probably expecting you to be a pushover about it. I'd say in the future, set a deadline a little sooner, and DON'T tell the guy that there is a deadline. Maybe give them 3 months of dating to see if they want an official relationship, and if after 3 months it's still going nowhere, I'd strongly consider doing the fade at that point. But you don't want to tell them there's a deadline because then it's not natural. Either they will feel pressured and bolt, or they will think, "So I can fool around with this chick for at least 3 months, cool." But if they're genuinely interested I believe they will want to try an official relationship within 3 months of dating, and there will be no need for a formal discussion on timetables and deadlines. My 2 cents opinion. perfect....on repeat for emphasis....deb
Danda Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 We did not date before this July. So I didn't talk to him for two years waiting for a relationship. This was a 4 -5 month period . However I wouldn't agree to a relationship at 2 months but I see your point. Plus I have not had any real contact with him in over a month and have no plan to. So I am not waiting for him to change his mind. Maybe not agree to an official relationship right then and there, but what about showing blatant interest in it? As opposed to "not sure I want a relationship" material, or avoiding the topic entirely? At 2 months I would definitely want some feedback on where they see it going, their thoughts on the topic. As far as actually committing to try an official relationship, different people have different time tables. But half a year seems awfully long to me, to be spending holidays together, seeing each other exclusively, presumably having sex, etc but not wanting it be official. Seems odd to me. 1
Author SOLACEMENT Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 Maybe not agree to an official relationship right then and there, but what about showing blatant interest in it? As opposed to "not sure I want a relationship" material, or avoiding the topic entirely? At 2 months I would definitely want some feedback on where they see it going, their thoughts on the topic. As far as actually committing to try an official relationship, different people have different time tables. But half a year seems awfully long to me, to be spending holidays together, seeing each other exclusively, presumably having sex, etc but not wanting it be official. Seems odd to me. I agree and I do feel as I wasted my time but you live and you learn. But he did ask for exclusivity two months in. That was not prompted by me which is why I am confused . Since I feel as the relationship was developing properly.
BluEyeL Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 He told you he isn't ready for a relationship, you did a good job believing him and cutting contact. Don't feel bad for the time wasted, it's easy to give advice from the outside but when in it, you have to be sure. You didn't waste years on him. Keep up with the no contact and go out and date other people.
Leigh 87 Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 I didn't mean that you should be talking about a "serious" relationship at month two... I prefer a guy to be really into me and "crazy" about me and infatuated with me - I need that initial excitement to be there. After 1 - 2 months, if you are both really into one another, you cannot help but WANT it to develop into a relationship; that doesn't mean there should be talk of " so, we are in a serious relationship, how do you feel about having children and moving in together":lmao: That would also set off alarm bells, if a guy wanted to move into something REALLY serious after a month or two:o If a guy is really excited about you and you "light his fire", so to speak, he WILL want a relationship early on, but of course, that "relationship" isn't serious, it isn't the " be all or end all" type of relationship. Just "a" relationship is usually something that a guy who is really into you, will lean strongly towards after a month or two of dating.
Author SOLACEMENT Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 He told you he isn't ready for a relationship, you did a good job believing him and cutting contact. Don't feel bad for the time wasted, it's easy to give advice from the outside but when in it, you have to be sure. You didn't waste years on him. Keep up with the no contact and go out and date other people. Thank you I am doing my best. These past two days have been decent and minimum crying
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