Female perspective needed

January 11, 2015

Wow. At this point, after reading more of your posts, I just don't know if anything you do will ever fix this, so to speak. She seems really, really closed off right now, still full of anger and she has the added mind games from a mother who is trying to dispense with her own guilt in allowing all this to happen by playing more mind games with her. What she needs is a father who is sorrowful and apologizes, but he never will. Monsters like him do not care. And with him still being around, in her life, makes it impossible to heal.

I am no psychiatrist by any means, again just from my experience, but she still seems to me to still very much be in the man hating mode, punishing men for any tiny slight she sees to her self respect and playing with their emotions in order to get them back for what has been done to her. Every man she sees who wants her sexually is an enemy, out to hurt and abuse her.

And again, cannot say this enough, this is just my own experience. This girl needs a lot of therapy, intense, to sort through all this and begin to live a normal life. And I am here to tell you that it is almost impossible at times. My mom was the only person who saved me from....well, I cannot even imagine where I would be if it were not for her. This girl does not even have that it appears.

She is off on a man-hating rampage and she doesn't even know why. I hope one day she will. I don't know, after reading your additional posts, that there is much you can do. She has a lot to sort out yet and she may never even do so depending on how much damage was done and continues to be done to her. I just think, in my heart, that the best thing you can do is go on with your life and let her go on with her's. She is not even close to a place where she is healing and ready to be with you and she won't be for a long time.

January 11, 2015

Sorry, I just have very strong feelings for her. I don't know how to get that through to her that I'm not "one of those guys." Especially, when she cut my off so coldly

One more thought - it does not matter if you are or aren't "one of those guys" because every guy to her is, no matter what. In my gut, I feel you will never get that through to her. She likes being with you and cuddling because she never got that attention from her dad and she craves that love more than anything. But when it comes to sex, she withdraws, gets angry and runs away and all she can see in her head is him doing what he did to her and man-hating mode is back. She cannot help this cycle anymore than people in battle cannot stop post traumatic stress syndrome because that is what it is. It just happens beyond your control.

Again, I just don't see much of a way that you can help her. She has to seek help to deal with all this and get to a place where she can be with someone. I would say be her friend but your feelings for her will end up pushing you to want more and that will just be playing with your own heart. From what I can see she has years of therapy and dealing with all this to go through before she is ready for that. And she may never be after that.

January 11, 2015

One more thought - it does not matter if you are or aren't "one of those guys" because every guy to her is, no matter what. In my gut, I feel you will never get that through to her. She likes being with you and cuddling because she never got that attention from her dad and she craves that love more than anything. But when it comes to sex, she withdraws, gets angry and runs away and all she can see in her head is him doing what he did to her and man-hating mode is back. She cannot help this cycle anymore than people in battle cannot stop post traumatic stress syndrome because that is what it is. It just happens beyond your control.

Again, I just don't see much of a way that you can help her. She has to seek help to deal with all this and get to a place where she can be with someone. I would say be her friend but your feelings for her will end up pushing you to want more and that will just be playing with your own heart. From what I can see she has years of therapy and dealing with all this to go through before she is ready for that. And she may never be after that.

I know this but am in denial. I just wish there was something I could do or say to her to make her change her mind. I know its almost impossible because she said she didn't need the medications. I regret the things that I said. It's agonizing replaying everything and thinking what if i did this and not that. Friendship has been suggested but again I don't even know how to go about that since she wont even speak to me. I've thought about just texting her and telling her I don't like how things ended between us but if she wants I'll be there for her. It's agonizing replaying everything over and over and thinking what if I did this and not that. I'm so very lost...

January 11, 2015

She always talked about how she will move out from her parents because she feels her life is at a standstill until she does. she always stressed this in the relationship. Maybe I'm just grasping at straws, and hoping she will contact me if and when she does. This sucks...

January 12, 2015

It's kind of a sick game to play with peoples emotions like she did, knowingly or not. She wasn't thinking of anything when she asked me to stay. She could have just told me that from the start, instead of going along with everything. I know its not my fault, but my head is about to pop! It feels like there is so much weight on it and nothing I can do to alleviate it.

January 14, 2015

I'm tormenting myself right now. She always told me how she was uncomfortable around me, and that I would know if and when she was comfortable. What if I had asked her what it was about me that made her uncomfortable around me? Then again, I always told her she needs to communicate these things, after all I'm bad at reading girls. Which she never did. What if I had done this differently? She was always bad at communication, even before we started dating. People we associated with never knew she was annoyed or upset until it was too late. What if I had done that differently. She always told me I need to listen to her, but then to blindside me with the BU, when I had no clue what I did to make her unhappy. If she had told me I would have done everything in my power to make it right. This is so very hard. I know these things are a two way street, but I still feel like I am to blame. There were so many miscommunications that could have been corrected if she only spoke to me about what was bothering her. She didn't let me know about her boundaries until days before she ended things. I'm just left with questions, and no answer. It's so unfair because I feel this is all my fault.

Friends tell me her mind isn't conducive of a relationship, because , she doesn't want to talk about anything and the way she acts. If true, then why am I the one hurting over it? I wish I never met her.

January 14, 2015

The problem with dwelling on coulda, shoulda, woulda's is that it gets you absolutely nowhere. All you are doing is running around in circles, chasing an invisible tail that you will never ever catch.

When you dwell on the past and obsess over it, all you are doing is living in LaLa Land. What you COULD have done, or SHOULD have done, or WOULD have done is always perfect, therefore having a perfect outcome but honestly speaking, how are you to know what the outcome would have been? It's like that movie Butterfly Effect, every time he went back in time trying to fix things, things turned out worse. You can't rewrite the past, all you have is the here and now so grab onto that and hold onto it jealously.

Also remember, when dumpers leave us, they have a tendency to exaggerate our faults, flaws and perceived shortcomings. They do this in order to absolve their own guilt and responsibility and some in a sick sadistic people (like my douchebag ex) use it as a smoke and mirrors tactic to keep you from the truth (in my case he wanted someone else but blamed me for being argumentative and not trusting).

Step away from the ledge and see the relationship for what it was and look at who she really was, and how she really treated you. You are not perfect, cannot control everything and if you can only be relationship, were the only way a person will stay with you is if you are perfect and do the right thing always, then that is a relationship you need to stay away from coz that is a relationship that does not exist. I mean come on, even romantic comedy's thrive on there being some quirky imperfection in the relationship.

I am sure you made a few mistakes, as we all do as humans, but you need to find someone who despite your flaws and imperfections, loves you for exactly who and what you are and wants to stay with you to work on the relationship no matter what.

Try your best to not try rewrite the past in your mind, all it will do is drive you crazy. Accept what has happened, live in the here and now, it's the only way to gain peace about this.

January 14, 2015

All those what ifs is so hard, you will just keep remembering and reliving it, but what is done is done, You can only look forward now and learn from the mistakes.

Edited January 14, 2015 by bigtrouble

January 14, 2015

Thanks, these kinds of BUs are hellish for dumpees. Especially if you treated them well...its only been a month and the emotions have subsided but its the mental part that's gotten more difficult.

January 14, 2015

Batt,

I had to dig up your previous posts to understand what was going on. I have read all the information you have provided in previous threads, including this one.

Here's what I've to say, you are going in circles right now and driving yourself crazy, the reason behind it is that your Ex Girlfriend didn't give you enough information on what went wrong. You are re-running everything in your mind to see where you went wrong but I really want you to listen to me, you did NOTHING Wrong.

I also want you to read this post that you pasted in another thread

Through out the relationship she always spoke of how socially awkward she is and that she doesn't know how to create relationships with people. She always spoke of how she was going to move out of her parents and get a good job and start over and everything. How extremely depressed she was because of how life has treated her. She always spoke of how she hated her mom, and has never had a stable relationship whether it be with guys or just friends in general. She spoke of how every boyfriend she has had has cheated on her, and the last boyfriend that cheated on her she ended up in a mental ward. She said she would just rather have people forget her, and not be a burden to people.

So let me get this straight :

- She's socially awkward

(yet she manages to find BF's, what a load of bullcrap)

- Never had a stable relationship

(no surprises there, she feeded every guy the same crap, just with a different story each time)

- Every boyfriend has cheated on her

(Yes, it's every boy's fault, there is nothing she did wrong, her highness did the best to save every relationship, I mean take yours as an example)

Here's the thing Batt, I really want you to listen, this Ex Girlfriend of yours is immature, her feelings are all over the place, today it's with you, tomorrow it's with someone else, you are reading too much in what she said, her actions tell a whole different story. You are only feeding her ego by sending her flowers and apologizing for things that YOU think are the reason she broke up with you. Let me tell you this again and I want you to read this at least 3 times till you get it "YOU DID NOTHING WRONG".

Now I want you to a couple of easy tasks (if you want to win her back or want to move on or want to find someone better).

- Delete her from everywhere, seriously Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, wherever you have her on, delete it, so she has no access to your life (and neither do you)

- Don't contact her and see anything about her for at least the next 6-7 months.

- During the next 7 months, I want you to pick up some new hobbies or revisit the old ones that you didn't had the time to do before, read books, play videogames, go for a walk 30 minutes a day to clear your head, exercise...anything you fancy to keep your mind off of her (whatever you do just don't start dating right away) Do something to make your life better, find a better job, get better scores in school / college / university wherever you are. Improve aspects of your life you think that need improvement.

I promise you one thing batt, if you stick with the 3 things I just mentioned, you would be in a completely different state of mind by the end of this year and trust me that EX Girlfriend of yours is going to get in touch with you, I want you to resist the urge and don't reply her back (unless it has something to do with reconciliation, even then I wouldn't reply her back that easily), she treated you like crap man and you are treating her like a queen. Get this girl down from the pedestral, let her date around and repeat the same old bull****, the chances are by the time she's over her childish behavior, you would be somewhere way better in your life and probably have someone who appreciates you for who you are and communicates like an adult....that's when the reality is gonna hit your Ex like a truck and she would try to get back to you, but by then I'm sure you would be in a better position to decide whether you want her back or not.

Edited January 14, 2015 by Holmes85

January 14, 2015

Batt,

I had to dig up your previous posts to understand what was going on. I have read all the information you have provided in previous threads, including this one.

Here's what I've to say, you are going in circles right now and driving yourself crazy, the reason behind it is that your Ex Girlfriend didn't give you enough information on what went wrong. You are re-running everything in your mind to see where you went wrong but I really want you to listen to me, you did NOTHING Wrong.

I also want you to read this post that you pasted in another thread

So let me get this straight :

- She's socially awkward

(yet she manages to find BF's, what a load of bullcrap)

- Never had a stable relationship

(no surprises there, she feeded every guy the same crap, just with a different story each time)

- Every boyfriend has cheated on her

(Yes, it's every boy's fault, there is nothing she did wrong, her highness did the best to save every relationship, I mean take yours as an example)

Here's the thing Batt, I really want you to listen, this Ex Girlfriend of yours is immature, her feelings are all over the place, today it's with you, tomorrow it's with someone else, you are reading too much in what she said, her actions tell a whole different story. You are only feeding her ego by sending her flowers and apologizing for things that YOU think are the reason she broke up with you. Let me tell you this again and I want you to read this at least 3 times till you get it "YOU DID NOTHING WRONG".

Now I want you to a couple of easy tasks (if you want to win her back or want to move on or want to find someone better).

- Delete her from everywhere, seriously Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, wherever you have her on, delete it, so she has no access to your life (and neither do you)

- Don't contact her and see anything about her for at least the next 6-7 months.

- During the next 7 months, I want you to pick up some new hobbies or revisit the old ones that you didn't had the time to do before, read books, play videogames, go for a walk 30 minutes a day to clear your head, exercise...anything you fancy to keep your mind off of her (whatever you do just don't start dating right away) Do something to make your life better, find a better job, get better scores in school / college / university wherever you are. Improve aspects of your life you think that need improvement.

I promise you one thing batt, if you stick with the 3 things I just mentioned, you would be in a completely different state of mind by the end of this year and trust me that EX Girlfriend of yours is going to get in touch with you, I want you to resist the urge and don't reply her back (unless it has something to do with reconciliation, even then I wouldn't reply her back that easily), she treated you like crap man and you are treating her like a queen. Get this girl down from the pedestral, let her date around and repeat the same old bull****, the chances are by the time she's over her childish behavior, you would be somewhere way better in your life and probably have someone who appreciates you for who you are and communicates like an adult....that's when the reality is gonna hit your Ex like a truck and she would try to get back to you, but by then I'm sure you would be in a better position to decide whether you want her back or not.

Thanks, I've already gone back to the gym, joined an mma and started eating a lot healthier. I couldn't eat or get out of bed for two weeks. My room is an absolute mess. I've had very strong urges to contact her for clarity, apologizing for the things I said. I posted them on here and people have helped me keep NC. This is just taking my head longer to process all of this. Your advice to other members along with others, I've found to always be good. I'd be even more lost if it wasn't for LS.

January 21, 2015

Is it even possible to have strong feelings for someone after knowing them for 4 months and dating for 2? Maybe I'm just kidding myself. Its been a month I don't cry anymore but I miss her so much. I still think about what happened, even though numerous friends and people on LS have told me its not my fault. This weather isnt helping. Im starting to get teary eyed again. Damn anti depressants arent working, at least not today. Sigh, I really need to schedule that appointment with the psychiatrist.

January 21, 2015

Love your signature.

Do you like mine?

January 21, 2015

Is it even possible to have strong feelings for someone after knowing them for 4 months and dating for 2? Maybe I'm just kidding myself. Its been a month I don't cry anymore but I miss her so much. I still think about what happened, even though numerous friends and people on LS have told me its not my fault. This weather isnt helping. Im starting to get teary eyed again. Damn anti depressants arent working, at least not today. Sigh, I really need to schedule that appointment with the psychiatrist.

I agree with you. You can fall in love in a very short time. You see a face you can't forget.

Knowing in your heart she is the one. How much more if you get to know her.

Yes, I know you would argue with me on this one.

But its quite possible to have strong feelings for someone after seeing them the first time.

This is the reason why I hurt so much and find myself here on LS, I had a few dramatic BUs before.

Nothing compares to this.

January 21, 2015

Love your signature.

Do you like mine?

Yes, very much lol

January 21, 2015

Is it even possible to have strong feelings for someone after knowing them for 4 months and dating for 2? Maybe I'm just kidding myself. .

IMO it's hardest when a relationship ends while the infatuation/honeymoon phase is at its peak. People I know coming from a breakup with someone they had so much physical attraction, tend to take it really really hard.

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