batt Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 (edited) I'm still trying to wrap my head around what went wrong with my ex and it's driving me insane. I would like female perspective on things. My ex is 28, when we first started dating we both agreed to take it slow. She eventually tells me she was raped when she was 5 by her father. I told her I'm sorry that she had to go through that. I told her if I do or say something to bother her to please tell me. Through out the whole relationship, we didn't really do anything very intimate, except hugging, kissing, holding hands and occasionally I grabbed her butt. No conversation of sex has come up yet. One day she asks me about a condition I have and what does it mean for me sexually. I ask her what does she mean? She says does it affect performance and etc. I tell her no and shes like cool. The next day she texts me and says she has this fabulous idea of renting a hotel room and me staying with her. Up until this point sex has not entered the conversation. The last time she had sex was with her ex who cheated on her 4 years ago. When she tells me this, I thought she wanted to take things to the next level. So I start putting sex in to the conversation and she responds to them positively. Then one night she says to me “I wish I didn't have to say this but I will, if you have plans of disappearing afterwards, tell me now and don't lie about it.” I got annoyed and asked her why would I do that. She says “cuz you're a guy and that's what guys do.” I ask her has that happened to her before, she says yes, and I tell her I wouldn't do that. The day finally comes, she tells me don't be offended if there is no sex. I tell her I'm okay with that. First night is going well, we're just cuddling and watching movies on her bed. She got a room with two beds. Next day shes very distant, she hardly speaks to me when we're in the room. Shes on her video game. I finally get her to start talking, and I try to initiate things. I see she doesn't want to so I back off. She tells me she tried to get herself ready but she couldnt. That was fine I told her I understand. Then she goes back to the game. So I got upset and left the room. Huge mistake I know, I returned after 30 minutes or so and I apologize to her. The rest goes the evening goes well. Then comes the blindside a few days later. Now I'm thinking maybe I moving too fast for her? May be I was invading her space too much? Maybe what she meant about disappearing was if there was no sex I better not dump her? This is making me nuts Any thoughts ladies? Edited January 9, 2015 by batt
Ieris Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Skip the sex topic for now unless she brings up, she's clearly not ready so just take it slow. She's obviously been hurt and used by guys before so she is protecting herself. If you genuinely like her then try to gain her trust and prove that you're not like those other guys. Simply be patient x
Author batt Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 Yea but she blindsided me with the BU, and won't speak to me and was very cold about. If she had told me things were going too fast or she's not ready I would have understood. She never said anything to me or see me and talk. If she had told me the reason I wouldn't be beating myself up over this
oldshirt Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 She has issues. She's whacked. Count yourself lucky to have dodged a bullet. Now you know why her ex left her and you know why she hasn't had sex in four years during her prime. She may have been cuddly and had pretty blue eyes but she is damaged goods and you would have always lived a life of dissatisfaction and frustration with her. "When people show you who they are, believe them." - Maya De Angelo 3
Ieris Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Sorry I missed the BU part. There was nothing you did wrong. She has issues that she has to address on her own so I suggest letting this one go... She's not ready.
Author batt Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 Its good to know that there was nothing I could do and that its not my fault. I just feel stupid for emailing her when she dumped me for no reason and apologizing while taking all the blame. Then her turning around saying I know you're sorry and want to be forgiven when i didnt do anything. Makes me feel so much better.
Danda Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 CSA survivors have to commit a lot of time, energy and effort (much of which can be quite challenging and emotionally agonizing) to heal and get better. It's not something that anyone else can do for them, but it's also not uncommon for them to be too afraid to work on it themselves on a very deep subconscious level, and projection can easily happen (as in projection of blame from her father towards the guy she is in a relationship with). It's all very intense, complex and deeply subconscious. There is absolutely nothing you did 'wrong' or could have done to heal her. Chances are that she has a pretty intense mixed bag of really bad feels and some of it was projected onto you with the whole "you want to be forgiven" thing. Guilt/Shame issues are extremely common with adults who were sexually abused/assaulted as children. Her breaking things off, being very cold and going No Contact is her way of defending herself from her own issues, not from you personally. Just hope the best for her and move on. 1
Author batt Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 I mean she always spoke of how she hates her mom. When I met her mom she seemed like a sweet person. Maybe she blames her mom for letting it happen, even if her mom may not have known about it at the time. She told me her mom tried her hardest to get her and her sister away from their father. Now, I'm just feeling guilty for saying her mom she seems to be a wonderful person and not the bitch she made her out to be. Then telling her to enjoy her life being miserable. I've never dealt with someone like this. Knowing all this now, just makes me regret saying these things because I still care for her
newlyborn Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 it's not your fault. most people don't know how to deal with abuse survivors. and it is very hard to negotiate being sensitive to their trauma, anxiety, and defensive mechanisms while dealing with your own growing expectations and desires in the relationship. there is no manual for how to do this right. i think you have shown a good amount of patience and sensitivity. her blaming you and acting like she hates you is the usual splitting or black-and-white thinking (people are either all good or all bad. rescuers or assailants, etc.) typical of survivors. at this point, she needs more than you can give. and that is okay.
Author batt Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 And what if I want to still be apart of her life? I've spoken to my family about this, and they say if you love her then try to be there for her as a friend. I'm so very confused.
Author batt Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 Confused as to whether I should just disappear or be there when she needs someone to talk to
newlyborn Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 And what if I want to still be apart of her life? I've spoken to my family about this, and they say if you love her then try to be there for her as a friend. I'm so very confused. friendship is a good route to go. it is a good way to demonstrate consistency, care, trustworthiness. and it shows interest in the person as a person, not just as a romantic/sexual prospect. but even friendship has to be mutual. you can't make someone participate if they are choosing not to at present. my suggestion is for you to leave things for now and heal yourself up. because she is in greater emotional need, it is easy to overlook your own needs. you can decide whether to engage her when/if she actually reaches out. it sounds like this experience has thrown you a bit, and, for now, you could use some distance from it.
lizzygirl Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 I'm still trying to wrap my head around what went wrong with my ex and it's driving me insane. I would like female perspective on things. My ex is 28, when we first started dating we both agreed to take it slow. She eventually tells me she was raped when she was 5 by her father. I told her I'm sorry that she had to go through that. I told her if I do or say something to bother her to please tell me. Through out the whole relationship, we didn't really do anything very intimate, except hugging, kissing, holding hands and occasionally I grabbed her butt. No conversation of sex has come up yet. One day she asks me about a condition I have and what does it mean for me sexually. I ask her what does she mean? She says does it affect performance and etc. I tell her no and shes like cool. The next day she texts me and says she has this fabulous idea of renting a hotel room and me staying with her. Up until this point sex has not entered the conversation. The last time she had sex was with her ex who cheated on her 4 years ago. When she tells me this, I thought she wanted to take things to the next level. So I start putting sex in to the conversation and she responds to them positively. Then one night she says to me “I wish I didn't have to say this but I will, if you have plans of disappearing afterwards, tell me now and don't lie about it.” I got annoyed and asked her why would I do that. She says “cuz you're a guy and that's what guys do.” I ask her has that happened to her before, she says yes, and I tell her I wouldn't do that. The day finally comes, she tells me don't be offended if there is no sex. I tell her I'm okay with that. First night is going well, we're just cuddling and watching movies on her bed. She got a room with two beds. Next day shes very distant, she hardly speaks to me when we're in the room. Shes on her video game. I finally get her to start talking, and I try to initiate things. I see she doesn't want to so I back off. She tells me she tried to get herself ready but she couldnt. That was fine I told her I understand. Then she goes back to the game. So I got upset and left the room. Huge mistake I know, I returned after 30 minutes or so and I apologize to her. The rest goes the evening goes well. Then comes the blindside a few days later. Now I'm thinking maybe I moving too fast for her? May be I was invading her space too much? Maybe what she meant about disappearing was if there was no sex I better not dump her? This is making me nuts Any thoughts ladies? What was the blindside a few days later? I have been through sexual abuse as a child myself, by a relative. I can tell you the feelings I have had and I hope it helps. What this did to me - I lacked the ability for many years to have self-respect, boundaries, and a healthy view of sex. I mistreated myself for a little while and as a result, others did too. It was almost impossible for me to view sex in a loving relationship - to me, it was only "normal" when it was wrong or I was being used. This was hard for me to come to terms with and I always viewed the man I was with as using me for one thing and that he would never actually be interested in me because my self worth was nil. She may be struggling with these things too and it sounds like she is. Hot and cold, wanting to then not wanting to. I think she sees in you someone she can care about, fall in love with, and that scares her because she has been conditioned to believe that the men she loves will only use and hurt her, even the husband who cheated. It will most likely take a massive amount of time and proof on your part to get her to trust you. Be prepared that she may never do so at all. I can understand your frustration and that the mixed signals are making it confusing. Sexual abuse produces insanely difficult obstacles to overcome in your adult life. I wonder if she has gotten therapy at all? It is very hard, when you do grow up, to make heads or tails of the effects of it. And it is very easy to run away from anyone who cares about you to avoid anymore pain. Maybe try to get her to open up to you, let her talk, make her feel comfortable that she can trust you to confide in. Let her know that whatever she is feeling is ok to talk to you about. Listen. Be compassionate and gentle. You have to understand that "good" people like you are foreign to her, almost unbelievable, so it will take time. I will tell you this, as far as my perspective - if I found a man who did this, that I could trust and proved it to me, that he truly loved me and wanted to protect me - he would have my loyalty and devotion from now on. So, the investment may be the best one you've ever made.
SycamoreCircle Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 I'm putting on some women's underwear so I can answer your question. My feelings are that generally speaking, in the early phases of courtship, when a person references some kind of past trauma unrelated to what is happening between the two people, it is a kind of prefigured scapegoat. They are doubtful about their feelings towards the other person. They're trying to sort it out. And by having this "problem" off to the side, which is pertinent to very little, they can easily shuttle off in the escape pod.
lizzygirl Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 "Then one night she says to me “I wish I didn't have to say this but I will, if you have plans of disappearing afterwards, tell me now and don't lie about it.” I got annoyed and asked her why would I do that. She says “cuz you're a guy and that's what guys do.” I ask her has that happened to her before, she says yes, and I tell her I wouldn't do that." After thinking more about your situation - again, we victims of that kind of abuse expect men to use us and throw us away, hence her statement about you disappearing afterwards and that is what all guys do. The hotel room rental is symbolic to me - as if she is already expecting to feel cheap, as hotels are places people meet for illicit things many times. She was hoping to be proved wrong. It feels as if she was testing you to see what you were really "up to." And no, it isn't fair, but women like us, from abuse like that, see men as always trying to "get in our pants" so they can throw us away. I hate to say it, but she most likely took your getting frustrated and walking out as a sure sign of that - that sex was all you wanted from her. Hence, what she already believed in her mind to be true was proven to her...then comes the running away from all of it. And did you mention you texted her or emailed her something about have fun being miserable? That only reinforced that the nice guy she thought you were that maybe she could trust was a facade and your only objective the whole time was sex. Yes, it is not fair, but I am trying to give you some perspective from someone who has been through abuse on how we think and react. The notion that someone posted that she told you this very early on in the relationship as some easy out that doesn't mean anything is ridiculous and callous. This girl is crying out for help and by her telling you of her abuse was her way of reaching out to you, taking that first step to see how you would take it and if she could trust you with that and to see what you would do and how you would treat her. I can only speak for myself, but when I divulged my abuse to a man I was with, all I wanted in return was gentleness, kindness, a little patience and understanding. To know I could trust him. People kill me with the "she has issues and run away" thing. Everyone expects to find a perfect mate or they are done. Who doesn't have issues? Perfect mates, perfect people do not exist. Maybe some people can't be "fixed" or you can't end up living with them. But maybe you can and maybe if you invest yourself, show some understanding, patience, kindness, chivalry, and work for something - well, maybe, just maybe it will all be worth it in the end.
Danda Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I'm putting on some women's underwear so I can answer your question. My feelings are that generally speaking, in the early phases of courtship, when a person references some kind of past trauma unrelated to what is happening between the two people, it is a kind of prefigured scapegoat. They are doubtful about their feelings towards the other person. They're trying to sort it out. And by having this "problem" off to the side, which is pertinent to very little, they can easily shuttle off in the escape pod. Respectfully disagreeing with you here.. It's possible that sad past stories can be a scapegoat or a pity play, given that they're just made up and didn't really happen. But in OP's case, based on what they described, I don't think that's what happened there. My personal ethical code is such that I would tell a potential mate upfront any serious issues I have that could someday affect the relationship. Not make a huge deal out of it, but I just don't like the idea of blindsiding someone with a possible deal-breaker after they've already invested. Doesn't sit right with me. So for example I tend to say upfront that I'm bipolar and explain in a chill manner how it can sometimes affect my life / relationships with others, and also how I manage it. I'm not going to wait until I'm grappling with a manic episode and leave them wondering wtf is going on and if I'm secretly on meth with the way my brain is going 9,000mph and I'm hardly sleeping lately. If I had unresolved childhood trauma issues and needed to go super slow in the sex department it would be the same thing. I think the issue with the OP's ex is that she subconsciously thinks a lover needs to fix/save her, when really she needs to do some hard work in therapy.
Author batt Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 What was the blindside a few days later? I have been through sexual abuse as a child myself, by a relative. I can tell you the feelings I have had and I hope it helps. What this did to me - I lacked the ability for many years to have self-respect, boundaries, and a healthy view of sex. I mistreated myself for a little while and as a result, others did too. It was almost impossible for me to view sex in a loving relationship - to me, it was only "normal" when it was wrong or I was being used. This was hard for me to come to terms with and I always viewed the man I was with as using me for one thing and that he would never actually be interested in me because my self worth was nil. She may be struggling with these things too and it sounds like she is. Hot and cold, wanting to then not wanting to. I think she sees in you someone she can care about, fall in love with, and that scares her because she has been conditioned to believe that the men she loves will only use and hurt her, even the husband who cheated. It will most likely take a massive amount of time and proof on your part to get her to trust you. Be prepared that she may never do so at all. I can understand your frustration and that the mixed signals are making it confusing. Sexual abuse produces insanely difficult obstacles to overcome in your adult life. I wonder if she has gotten therapy at all? It is very hard, when you do grow up, to make heads or tails of the effects of it. And it is very easy to run away from anyone who cares about you to avoid anymore pain. Maybe try to get her to open up to you, let her talk, make her feel comfortable that she can trust you to confide in. Let her know that whatever she is feeling is ok to talk to you about. Listen. Be compassionate and gentle. You have to understand that "good" people like you are foreign to her, almost unbelievable, so it will take time. I will tell you this, as far as my perspective - if I found a man who did this, that I could trust and proved it to me, that he truly loved me and wanted to protect me - he would have my loyalty and devotion from now on. So, the investment may be the best one you've ever made. That day at the hotel, when I back off, she told me she starts finding a guy very unattractive if he thinks about sex. She was very receptive the rest of the day. Next day, do my usual texting in the morning and wishing her a good night. I didn't notice she wasn't really responding until the next day. I ask her is she upset with me if so I'll give her space. I try again next day, I call her, it went straight to voice mail. At this point, I logged on to the game, which I knew she would be on. She lands the bombshell on me, and says that shes not exactly happy with me, and says she doesn't wish to date me anymore. Everything in my world just crashed because I had no idea this was coming. She never gave me any boundaries, the only time she gave me those boundaries was when I backed off. She said she doesn't like a guy grabbing her ass, I did before and apologized and said I wouldn't do it again. She said she doesn't like a guy touching her chest, I never did that because we never got to that point. She said her nick name in high school was Mistress Mindf*ck. To my knowledge the last boyfriend that cheated on her she went into a psyche ward, and was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety disorder after having a panic attack. All of which are common with sexually abused children from what I've read. To my knowledge she never received treatment. I understand it can be very hard for victims and I was willing to be there for her. I see myself when I see her. We have the same personality but I've been to be a lot more optimistic, and I learned this from someone I used to like. We have the same situations in life. Same views, same almost everything. Most days she was very lovey dovey and affectionate until the BU. The last contact I had with her was on the 16th of December. I told the florist specifically to tell her I know flowers and apologies wont be enough but please accept these, with the card saying have a lovely day beautiful. She finally responded after 2 weeks and said "Listen, I know you're sorry and wish to be forgiven. But what you're doing has to stop. Please accept that I don't wish to date you and move on." At this point she just twisted the knife in deeper. I was hurt again and in anger I said those things to her, which I truly regret. I still have no clue what triggered the BU, and I can only speculate. I would do anything to get her back. Now my best friends fiancee's parents hate me over another misunderstanding. My life is just falling apart.
Author batt Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 Respectfully disagreeing with you here.. It's possible that sad past stories can be a scapegoat or a pity play, given that they're just made up and didn't really happen. But in OP's case, based on what they described, I don't think that's what happened there. My personal ethical code is such that I would tell a potential mate upfront any serious issues I have that could someday affect the relationship. Not make a huge deal out of it, but I just don't like the idea of blindsiding someone with a possible deal-breaker after they've already invested. Doesn't sit right with me. So for example I tend to say upfront that I'm bipolar and explain in a chill manner how it can sometimes affect my life / relationships with others, and also how I manage it. I'm not going to wait until I'm grappling with a manic episode and leave them wondering wtf is going on and if I'm secretly on meth with the way my brain is going 9,000mph and I'm hardly sleeping lately. If I had unresolved childhood trauma issues and needed to go super slow in the sex department it would be the same thing. I think the issue with the OP's ex is that she subconsciously thinks a lover needs to fix/save her, when really she needs to do some hard work in therapy. She told me that she has these episodes where she lashes out in anger. I saw that first hand the first night at the hotel. I was trying to log out of something out of her computer, but she was very particular about how its done. Suddenly, out of no where she yells at me and says if I break it I'm paying for it. I was shocked but didn't say anything and let it go. If she wanted to take it super slow I would have. She said she made a guy wait a year for sex, I felt that strongly about her that I would have waited. She always said shes not comfortable around me, and said I hope she would one day. May be I should have asked her what about me doesn't make her comfortable? There is so many things going on in my head that I could have done better...
Author batt Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 "Then one night she says to me “I wish I didn't have to say this but I will, if you have plans of disappearing afterwards, tell me now and don't lie about it.” I got annoyed and asked her why would I do that. She says “cuz you're a guy and that's what guys do.” I ask her has that happened to her before, she says yes, and I tell her I wouldn't do that." After thinking more about your situation - again, we victims of that kind of abuse expect men to use us and throw us away, hence her statement about you disappearing afterwards and that is what all guys do. The hotel room rental is symbolic to me - as if she is already expecting to feel cheap, as hotels are places people meet for illicit things many times. She was hoping to be proved wrong. It feels as if she was testing you to see what you were really "up to." And no, it isn't fair, but women like us, from abuse like that, see men as always trying to "get in our pants" so they can throw us away. I hate to say it, but she most likely took your getting frustrated and walking out as a sure sign of that - that sex was all you wanted from her. Hence, what she already believed in her mind to be true was proven to her...then comes the running away from all of it. And did you mention you texted her or emailed her something about have fun being miserable? That only reinforced that the nice guy she thought you were that maybe she could trust was a facade and your only objective the whole time was sex. Yes, it is not fair, but I am trying to give you some perspective from someone who has been through abuse on how we think and react. The notion that someone posted that she told you this very early on in the relationship as some easy out that doesn't mean anything is ridiculous and callous. This girl is crying out for help and by her telling you of her abuse was her way of reaching out to you, taking that first step to see how you would take it and if she could trust you with that and to see what you would do and how you would treat her. I can only speak for myself, but when I divulged my abuse to a man I was with, all I wanted in return was gentleness, kindness, a little patience and understanding. To know I could trust him. People kill me with the "she has issues and run away" thing. Everyone expects to find a perfect mate or they are done. Who doesn't have issues? Perfect mates, perfect people do not exist. Maybe some people can't be "fixed" or you can't end up living with them. But maybe you can and maybe if you invest yourself, show some understanding, patience, kindness, chivalry, and work for something - well, maybe, just maybe it will all be worth it in the end. She mentioned that she hates hotels, but she was the one that rented the room. I never bothered to ask why because I never thought it was relevant. As I've said if she wanted the relationship to move like molasses I would have been fine with that. If she wants me to go to her house and break down I would. I've thought about it several times. I would do anything for her. As someone that has gone through this what would you suggest? I'm dying inside....
hoping2heal Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Batt, I think you need CSA perspective as it is pretty clear that has a large role in what is going on here. The trauma really changes things in a big way, though it is always nice to see people write things like "good thing you got away and you dodged a bullet". Because people who have been sexually abused as children had a choice in the matter :rolleyes::rolleyes: Moving on... I would not judge this girl too harshly for her actions, from the sounds of it she has not had any kind of treatment to deal with what she has been through. So, this creates a conundrum here because she's going to act and behave in ways as a result of her traumatic abuse experience and that really is not her fault for being human as CSA really creates such a living hell for adults. At the same time, if you want to be in a relationship with her you are going to have to take some **** so to speak. There are of course, plenty of people who advise that CSA don't enter into relationships until they have gone through therapy and healed...I'm not going to say that is bad advice by any means, but I don't think it always works out that way. You don't know the whole story with her mother, either. If the Mom seems sweet as pie but the daughter has anger and resentment then you can probably bet your bottom dollar the daughter has a very good reason for it and I would put a crisp Franklin on it that that "reason" has to do with the Mom's involvement and/or reaction regarding to the abuse. Denial is very common for people "No, my husband wouldn't do that" the Mom very well may have been in denial or tried to tell her daughter to lie, cover up, or that she did not believe her daughter. It's really again another conundrum...denial is common and doesn't make the Mom a bad person necessarily she too is just dealing with this trauma in her own way, but of course to the daughter it will feel like a very, very breach of trust, etc. Your girlfriend probably needs a friend more than anything, someone she can trust. I do hope she will be able to seek some services to help her process what has been done to her. It's not like therapy makes all the bad parts go away because it certainly doesn't, but it can help with the processing, boundaries, self-esteem, and placing the blame and guilt on the appropriate people.
Author batt Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 Batt, I think you need CSA perspective as it is pretty clear that has a large role in what is going on here. The trauma really changes things in a big way, though it is always nice to see people write things like "good thing you got away and you dodged a bullet". Because people who have been sexually abused as children had a choice in the matter :rolleyes::rolleyes: Moving on... I would not judge this girl too harshly for her actions, from the sounds of it she has not had any kind of treatment to deal with what she has been through. So, this creates a conundrum here because she's going to act and behave in ways as a result of her traumatic abuse experience and that really is not her fault for being human as CSA really creates such a living hell for adults. At the same time, if you want to be in a relationship with her you are going to have to take some **** so to speak. There are of course, plenty of people who advise that CSA don't enter into relationships until they have gone through therapy and healed...I'm not going to say that is bad advice by any means, but I don't think it always works out that way. You don't know the whole story with her mother, either. If the Mom seems sweet as pie but the daughter has anger and resentment then you can probably bet your bottom dollar the daughter has a very good reason for it and I would put a crisp Franklin on it that that "reason" has to do with the Mom's involvement and/or reaction regarding to the abuse. Denial is very common for people "No, my husband wouldn't do that" the Mom very well may have been in denial or tried to tell her daughter to lie, cover up, or that she did not believe her daughter. It's really again another conundrum...denial is common and doesn't make the Mom a bad person necessarily she too is just dealing with this trauma in her own way, but of course to the daughter it will feel like a very, very breach of trust, etc. Your girlfriend probably needs a friend more than anything, someone she can trust. I do hope she will be able to seek some services to help her process what has been done to her. It's not like therapy makes all the bad parts go away because it certainly doesn't, but it can help with the processing, boundaries, self-esteem, and placing the blame and guilt on the appropriate people. She always told me that her mom gave her more attention than she did with her little sister. Things like attending all her events as a child versus attending limited events for her sister. She's the shy one, her sister is the upbeat one. To me, her mom felt guilty for letting this happen to her, hence her mom attending all her events. From what she told me they went through restraining orders to prevent her father from contacting them. When her mom met her step dad, as soon as the little sister accepted him was when her mom accepted him. The reason I have went NC, was because I thought by contacting her was reminiscent to her father.
hoping2heal Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I'm sorry if I missed it in a follow up post, Batt but how did the breakup go down?
Author batt Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 I'm sorry if I missed it in a follow up post, Batt but how did the breakup go down? She seemed ok the last day we were together. A few days later, I dont wish to date you anymore.
Author batt Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 Sorry, I just have very strong feelings for her. I don't know how to get that through to her that I'm not "one of those guys." Especially, when she cut my off so coldly
Author batt Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 You don't know the whole story with her mother, either. If the Mom seems sweet as pie but the daughter has anger and resentment then you can probably bet your bottom dollar the daughter has a very good reason for it and I would put a crisp Franklin on it that that "reason" has to do with the Mom's involvement and/or reaction regarding to the abuse. Denial is very common for people "No, my husband wouldn't do that" the Mom very well may have been in denial or tried to tell her daughter to lie, cover up, or that she did not believe her daughter. It's really again another conundrum...denial is common and doesn't make the Mom a bad person necessarily she too is just dealing with this trauma in her own way, but of course to the daughter it will feel like a very, very breach of trust, etc. I completely understand what you are saying. After all she told me that her mom would question her judgement to date me. Because she has done so in the past with her past boyfriends. That is one of the things that is driving me crazy. As I've said, I asked her if this was her decision or did her mom play a role in it. She never responded. I understand that because she is still living with her parents, that her mom may have a significant role in it. She even said when she broke up with me that she doesn't have her own place. I know how badly she wants her own place. She always told me her mom was an issue, not her step dad. I don't know anymore, I'm emotionally drained from this. I love her with all my heart, I willing to do whatever it takes to be with her. But I don't know how much a person can take.
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