kendahke Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 How am I supposed to know he was sick if he didn't communicate that to me? Our pattern is consistent: He texts me to see what's up and we plan dates and we have a good time. And he's never expressed a problem with it. Um, by picking up your phone and dialing his number and either talking to him or leaving a message. Why out of the blue would he expect me to all of a sudden contact him to see if he's sick or ill or fine? 1. It is not our custom. 2. He knows I am interested. Who said anything about expectation? I'm talking about putting action behind words on your part. I did not know he was sick. If he wanted me to know, he knows our pattern and would reach out and inform me. He didn't and instead stayed silent for nearly a week. And I did end up reaching out when I didn't hear from him. This is a red flag to me...and I'm concerned. You're too hung up on patterns, aka being in a rut, doing the same old same old. Hey, just keep with what you're doing if you think it's working for you. I dont' think this post would even be here if your tack was really working like a charm.
elaine567 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 He's 56 not 86, men run huge billion pound corporations at 56, they run countries at 56, he should be a lot more vital than you are givng him credit for. If he can text, then he can text hourly or every five minutes, it is hardly taxing. He, I guess would be far more comfortable calling, could you not start calling him? Spending 6 days in bed with no concerned call or even a text from someone you are supposed to be dating will be a huge red flag for him. Keeping non clingy is one thing, being cold as ice is another. Surely you do not have to wait till he initiates texts, isn't dating supposed to be mutual thing. How on earth are you going to progress anything if you are going to wait for him to make contact all the time. 4
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 I am proud to say after three months of dating, I initiated my first date with him. He accepted. Whew. Scary. 6
lovexocoach Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 This sounds like casual dating rather than an exclusive relationship. And it seems like you're still in the "getting to know each other" stage. I wouldn't automatically classify what happened as a red flag. Up to the point of his illness his pattern has been pretty consistent from the sounds of it. He does have a legitimate reason for not texting. People have different reactions to illness - he might not want to come across as a wimp. And if he had the flu he was probably feeling like a Mack truck ran over him. I can understand that. Sure, it would have been nice to hear from him but you could have contacted him if you hadn't heard from him after a few days. And he probably appreciated hearing from you while he was sick. Do you want to be a romantic interest to him that could lead to something more or someone he dates once a week? I don't think it would hurt for you to occasionally initiate texting and be more proactive in showing you're interested in him - especially if you want to be in an exclusive, romantic relationship with him. 1
writergal Posted January 12, 2015 Posted January 12, 2015 Bring him some home-cooked foods if you want to. Don't overthink it. I'm sure he will appreciate it. 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 Bring him some home-cooked foods if you want to. Don't overthink it. I'm sure he will appreciate it. I offered to drop off food and he accepted and was extremely thankful! Still have no clue what we are tho. At most, i guess we are lovers. It's hard to gauge where my boundaries are because I don't know what we are to each other. Don't want to give too much but also don't want to appear indifferent. 1
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Don't want to give too much but also don't want to appear indifferent. You may have come to the time when you need to decide what you want out of this. You always say things like the above, where you attempt to "mirror" his level of interest. I guess that is fine except I am getting the clear impression that you want more out of this than what you are getting now. If you do I think you need to go for it. If you aren't satisfied with this how long until you actually become bitter or realize you have wasted time? 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 I was kinda hoping he would make the first move toward a committed relationship. Not me. It's been revealed we aren't sleeping with others...I thoght he would bring up an exclusive relationship then. Nope. He said nothing.
Gaeta Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 What kind of experience he has with dating? If he's 55, is coming out of a long marriage, has no experience with dating in 2015, then he's just clueless and you will have to lead the way.
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I was kinda hoping he would make the first move toward a committed relationship. Not me. It's been revealed we aren't sleeping with others...I thoght he would bring up an exclusive relationship then. Nope. He said nothing. If you can't have a more inclusive relationship with him, are you happy to just go on like this indefinitely?
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 What kind of experience he has with dating? If he's 55, is coming out of a long marriage, has no experience with dating in 2015, then he's just clueless and you will have to lead the way. He has never been married, and his last long-term relationship was when he was in his 30s.
Gaeta Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 He has never been married, and his last long-term relationship was when he was in his 30s. And he spent the last 25 years dating?
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 If you can't have a more inclusive relationship with him, are you happy to just go on like this indefinitely? No, I won't.
writergal Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Glad to hear that he excepted your offer for a home-cooked meal delivery. Like a few others have suggested, it's time for you to decide what YOU want from this connection. His needs aren't more important than yours and shouldn't be. Think about what *you* want from him and dont be afraid to communicate what you want and need. If you want and need a committed relationship, then let him know that's how you feel and ask him if he feels the same way. What have you got to lose? By waiting for him to decide, it's like you're handing over the reigns of the relationship's direction to him, saying, "Here you lead. I'll follow." Why are his needs more important than yours? They're not. He may not take you where you want to go if you do that. So, that's why it's important to express what you want and need. Use the delivery of your home cooking to broach the subject of commitment. Tell him how much you care about him and enjoy what you two have. Then let him know that you'd like to be exclusive. It doesn't have to be a formal speech or anything. Just casual conversation. If you never bring up your feelings / wants / needs, he won't know what you want. He'll just assume what he wants / has with you, is how you feel if you don't speak up. As long as you're true to yourself, and honest with him you have nothing to lose. 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 And he spent the last 25 years dating? I don't know. He has no kids. He was very dedicated to his career, I know this.
elaine567 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Well you asked him out and he accepted, maybe you could ask him to be in a relationship with you, as a proper couple. 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 Eventually I am going to have to broach the subject because I don't want to live this way too much longer. I am terrified to ask for anything from him. I see it as borderline chasing and I know girls who chase. Very unattractive. He is older, wiser, more dating experience, managed expectations, probably can read me like a book. Yeah, I'm terrified of him and he makes me nervous. In a good way.
writergal Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 No need to be terrified of a strong man. He'll probably admire the fact that you had the confidence to tell him what you want from him. Look at the woman George Clooney married. Before he met and married his wife Amal, Clooney was the consummate bachelor. She is one strong lady, and I think that may have played a part in why he chose to commit to her instead of the previous women he'd dated. I guess I don't equate asking for what you want as chasing him. I just view it as asking for what you want i.e. communicating your needs to him. 2
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I am terrified to ask for anything from him. I see it as borderline chasing and I know girls who chase. Very unattractive. I understand, I don't know if I could do it, but that is NOT chasing. This might be discouraging, but if he has been casually dating for the past 20 years or so, he really might not be into any deeper of a relationship than what you now have. I am not sure how old you are or what you want in your life but you could waste a few good years having the kind of casual relationship with this man that he evidently is used to … I hope I'm wrong. 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 Been thinking about it....I think it is too early to ask for exclusivity right now. I know it's been three months, but I just initiated my first date with him!! I'm going to wait and initiate more texts/dates, and then maybe he will ask and I won't have to. My gut says it's way too soon. I was uncomfortable dropping off food without asking...that is not a sign of a couple ready for a relationship. Gotta wait it out a bit....until I'm comfortable initiating more and there isn't a big dilemma about dropping off food when one is sick that causes me to post a message on a forum.
Gaeta Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Been thinking about it....I think it is too early to ask for exclusivity right now. I know it's been three months, but I just initiated my first date with him!! I'm going to wait and initiate more texts/dates, and then maybe he will ask and I won't have to. My gut says it's way too soon. I was uncomfortable dropping off food without asking...that is not a sign of a couple ready for a relationship. Gotta wait it out a bit....until I'm comfortable initiating more and there isn't a big dilemma about dropping off food when one is sick that causes me to post a message on a forum. Since the beginning you have given him the entire responsibility to lead this relationship. Yes the ladies like the man do to the chasing but that's good for the 2-3 first dates then both parties should invest in getting the relationship ahead. If you play 'let him chase me' for 3 months then you sending an entire different message. I agree it's too early to ask for exclusivity, but it's time for you to indicate what type of relationship you are wanting, and this by example. You want more communication so communicate, you want more date so initiate more dates, you would like to drop by then invite him to drop by. 3
Heatemyheart89 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 Hi , I havn't read all the posts but contact is a two way thing . My current boyfriend said that he wished I initiated more contact in the beginning .
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 (edited) From the start, I let him chase. But because his contact, texting/calls were so far and few in between dates, I never could get a grasp on his interest. Even when I would respond to him or initiate a text, he would take foooorrever to respond!! Also we only saw each other once a week. It happened a few times where we saw each other twice a week, but rare. The time spent together was nice, no arguments at all. No real deep conversations, but mostly fooling around and talking about stuff at work. We spent one holiday alone together and he took me out for my birthday. Even those times, I wasn't sure how he felt, because he would go silent for days after I saw him. It's been like this since day 1. So it was hard to tell if he had low-level interest, and of course the pollyanna that I am, I'm not going to chase. So it stayed this way for three months. Also I am fully aware that he doesn't have a great history with relationships (never been married, with his last long-term relationship being 25 years ago!!!) So I am a extra cautious about putting my heart out there.... Edited January 13, 2015 by PumpkinLumpkin
elaine567 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I agree it's too early to ask for exclusivity, but it's time for you to indicate what type of relationship you are wanting, and this by example. You want more communication so communicate, you want more date so initiate more dates, you would like to drop by then invite him to drop by. I do not think it is too early for exclusivity chat, that should be done before sleeping together, whether that is after 6 hours or 6 months. The commitment chat is a different talk. This relationship is dead slow, some would be where the OP is now, in a matter of days and in three months would be choosing baby names, but that is probably far too fast. However the OP needs now IMO to ascertain whether she is wasting her time here. Three months is adequate time to assess a degree of compatibility and I do not think it is too early to decide if they are bf/gf. I am not talking about marry me now and let me die in your arms, I am only talking about being bf/gf and being a couple. If he doesn't want to take that small step, then I think she is probably wasting her time. 2
BluEyeL Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I do not think it is too early for exclusivity chat, that should be done before sleeping together, whether that is after 6 hours or 6 months. The commitment chat is a different talk. This relationship is dead slow, some would be where the OP is now, in a matter of days and in three months would be choosing baby names, but that is probably far too fast. However the OP needs now IMO to ascertain whether she is wasting her time here. Three months is adequate time to assess a degree of compatibility and I do not think it is too early to decide if they are bf/gf. I am not talking about marry me now and let me die in your arms, I am only talking about being bf/gf and being a couple. If he doesn't want to take that small step, then I think she is probably wasting her time. Right on the money. The pace is too slow for this relationship.
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