PumpkinLumpkin Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Dating a man 14 years older than I for just under three months. He is 56. He usually texts me two to three times a week, and initiates a date once a week. This has been pretty consistent for the past three months. He initiates the majority of the texts; however recently I hadn't heard from him in six days. Finally I texted him asking if he was okay. He texted back he had influenza. Is this normal behaviour for an older gentleman to keep the woman they are dating in the dark about sickness? I'm a bit disappointed with the lack of communication and feel like he might be pulling away. I cannot understand how he can be lying in bed for the past six days, with full access to his cell phone, without a quick text letting me know what's happening. He is not a huge texter, but six days of silence raises a red flag to me. I want to offer to drop off food, but my gut is telling me not to. Your thoughts?
WhatYouWantToHear Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 He initiates the majority of the texts; however recently I hadn't heard from him in six days. Finally I texted him asking if he was okay. He texted back he had influenza. Maybe he took your lack of initiation of conversation as a sign that you had a lack of interest into his personal issues. It just amazes me that you are externalizing this as something wrong with him. You are the one who is playing a game by being distant. He just picked up on your hints and assumed you didn't care. It's not a big leap. 3
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 (edited) he knows I am interested. Just because I rarely initiate texts doesn't mean our time together is stale. We have a great time. I prefer not to initiate a lot until I am certain how he feels about me. Also I am extremely receptive and responsive. Edited January 9, 2015 by PumpkinLumpkin
newlyborn Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 well, most people feel a bit vulnerable when sick. if you rarely initiate even after a few months of consistent dating (which is fine if you prefer a longer and more traditional courtship), you are not communicating concern for the person. you are just showing that you like them and enjoy spending time with them on dates. so, maybe, it doesn't feel natural for him to share that he is unwell with someone who doesn't generally reach out to ask him how he is doing. 1
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Isn't this basically the same issue you had with this guy in November except with texting? I think you should stop trying to attribute it to his age, even though he's oldish he should consider how you like ot be communicated with if he cares. From the 2 threads I am getting the idea that he enjoys his time with you when it happens and doesn't feel there are any further expectations. Is that okay with you? 1
losangelena Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 There seem to be a spate of these kinds of questions lately. This kind of communication is so strange. More and more, I feel like texting is just not the way to go to get one's point across. I understand your hesitation, but at the same time, what does it cost you to reach out or take him some soup? Maybe he is pulling away, the worst that will happen is that you won't hear from him, and your fears will be confirmed. Or, he could respond favorably. You won't know unless you give it a try. Uncertainty isn't fun, but I feel like, in general, we women need to get better at sitting in it (me included). I know I would hesitate, because I wouldn't want to make him mad, or feel foolish for reaching out when he's not interested, or confirming my fears. But again, you have very little to risk in going over there. 3
rester Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I've read through your other thread, and the conclusion I come up with is that he's turned off by the way you refuse to initiate communication. You're still playing childish games two months later. Put down "The Rules" book and ask him why he didn't say anything about being sick for the last six days. 2
rester Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 he knows I am interested. Just because I rarely initiate texts doesn't mean our time together is stale. We have a great time. I prefer not to initiate a lot until I am certain how he feels about me. Also I am extremely receptive and responsive. He eventually responded the next day. Then he asked me on another date. I said I was busy that day. He responded a few hours later asking what day I'm free. I never responded. 24 hours later, he initiated another text suggesting a day. I said yes. He said "yay!" That's all. Our sentences were all less than three words long. I think he's just not a texter. I dunno. I am not very enthused. What do you think? (BTW this is the fifth date in 2.5 weeks all initiated by HIM! I did nothing! Is this an example of being extremely receptive and responsive? Because most men would find someone that shows a bit more enthusiasm. 1
kendahke Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 he knows I am interested. Just because I rarely initiate texts doesn't mean our time together is stale. We have a great time. I prefer not to initiate a lot until I am certain how he feels about me. Also I am extremely receptive and responsive. That's some game playing on your part. You need to get past that and reach out to him. It's been 3 months, not 3 weeks. By now, you should have a level of comfort with him that doesn't hinder you picking up your own phone and contacting him if you want to talk to him. Doing otherwise is playing games. Now, you're playing further games by not asking him if there is anything you can do since he's down with the flu. You didn't care enough in a 6 day period to have called him. He's always contacting you, but you refuse to reciprocate for some really lame reasons. If you're waiting on him to show you that he cares, then you just messed that all the way up because he's had 6 days to think on you not caring enough about him to contact him... so why should he exercise himself now? When I'm down with the flu, I don't make phone calls to people, either. I'm too exhausted from being sick to talk on the phone. I just want to sleep and feel better. If I were him, these 6 days would have shown me that you weren't invested in me and I'd be taking that time to reconsider the wisdom in being involved with you. 4
preraph Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Some men do not like to admit they are sick or in other words weak. Not everyone likes to be pampered when sick, but do ask him if you can bring him some soup or something just to be sure. Everyone is different in this regard. He doesn't want you to see him weak but may or may not enjoy you just drop off something comforting to eat real quick and leave. P.S. I feel you're doing fine about the communication. 1
angel.eyes Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Tell him you're coming over with some chicken soup, then do so.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 Is this an example of being extremely receptive and responsive? Because most men would find someone that shows a bit more enthusiasm. No, that is not an example of our current relationship. You dug up a post that was generated only a few weeks after we had been dating.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 Isn't this basically the same issue you had with this guy in November except with texting? I think you should stop trying to attribute it to his age, even though he's oldish he should consider how you like ot be communicated with if he cares. From the 2 threads I am getting the idea that he enjoys his time with you when it happens and doesn't feel there are any further expectations. Is that okay with you? Low expectations are okay in the beginning, but after three months I'm becoming attached.
preraph Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Keeping up with young folk when you're old can be exhausting (I would know). Maybe you ran him down;)
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 That's some game playing on your part. You need to get past that and reach out to him. It's been 3 months, not 3 weeks. By now, you should have a level of comfort with him that doesn't hinder you picking up your own phone and contacting him if you want to talk to him. Doing otherwise is playing games. Now, you're playing further games by not asking him if there is anything you can do since he's down with the flu. You didn't care enough in a 6 day period to have called him. He's always contacting you, but you refuse to reciprocate for some really lame reasons. If you're waiting on him to show you that he cares, then you just messed that all the way up because he's had 6 days to think on you not caring enough about him to contact him... so why should he exercise himself now? When I'm down with the flu, I don't make phone calls to people, either. I'm too exhausted from being sick to talk on the phone. I just want to sleep and feel better. If I were him, these 6 days would have shown me that you weren't invested in me and I'd be taking that time to reconsider the wisdom in being involved with you. How am I supposed to know he was sick if he didn't communicate that to me? Our pattern is consistent: He texts me to see what's up and we plan dates and we have a good time. And he's never expressed a problem with it. Why out of the blue would he expect me to all of a sudden contact him to see if he's sick or ill or fine? 1. It is not our custom. 2. He knows I am interested. I did not know he was sick. If he wanted me to know, he knows our pattern and would reach out and inform me. He didn't and instead stayed silent for nearly a week. And I did end up reaching out when I didn't hear from him. This is a red flag to me...and I'm concerned.
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 There seem to be a spate of these kinds of questions lately. This kind of communication is so strange. More and more, I feel like texting is just not the way to go to get one's point across. I understand your hesitation, but at the same time, what does it cost you to reach out or take him some soup? Maybe he is pulling away, the worst that will happen is that you won't hear from him, and your fears will be confirmed. Or, he could respond favorably. You won't know unless you give it a try. Uncertainty isn't fun, but I feel like, in general, we women need to get better at sitting in it (me included). I know I would hesitate, because I wouldn't want to make him mad, or feel foolish for reaching out when he's not interested, or confirming my fears. But again, you have very little to risk in going over there. Last month, I was ill and I reached out and told him (regardless of how much I didn't want to..I was kind of embarrassed but told him anyway.) I felt he should know and I made myself vulnerable, and it ended up being the best thing I did because he was extremely supportive and understanding. Now I feel a bit confused/sad that he didn't reveal he was sick, but chose to stay silent. I would love to show my care and support by cooking something and dropping it off, those are the traits that make me shine; yet he's not giving me a chance to. His 6-day silence is what makes me cautious about reaching out and helping.
Rejected Rosebud Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Low expectations are okay in the beginning, but after three months I'm becoming attached. I'm sorry to say this but even if he's been sick, no contact for 6 days doesn't sound like your relationship has grown since your last thread, do you think it has? If it's a relationship that is for fun whenever you guys can get together but without the in between stuff is that okay for you? 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 I'm sorry to say this but even if he's been sick, no contact for 6 days doesn't sound like your relationship has grown since your last thread, do you think it has? If it's a relationship that is for fun whenever you guys can get together but without the in between stuff is that okay for you? It has not grown in the trajectory that I would have hoped for. And the six days of silence pushes us back a few steps. You have it right on the nose, Rosebud. He has never been a great communicator in between dates...rarely texts and takes forever to respond. I've been enjoying our time together when we do see each other, but this is growing old. (like him) Not telling me you are sick is NOT okay with me. I think the issue needs to be addressed but not quite sure how to bring it up since our relationship hasn't progressed much beyond kisses and giggles. 1
FitChick Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Men his age aren't texters and don't want to appear weak by admitting they are sick. I have a platonic male friend who never tells me when he's sick, only afterward. He is 73 and always wants to appear healthy and vital. You have a perfect opportunity to say "Honey, I wish you had told me you were sick. I could have come over to take care of you or at the very least drop off some chicken soup." However, it sounds like you just have a habit and not a relationship. After three months I got a marriage proposal. 2
newlyborn Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 relationships require energetic contributions (attention, affection, flattery, flirtation, care) from both parties to feel satisfying and worthwhile. otherwise, unless you want a buddy to have dinner with once a week, what is the point? i would take it as a red flag that so much time could pass, one partner in the dating relationship be sick, and the other doesn't know. somewhere along the way things have stagnated... 3
Redhead14 Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Dating a man 14 years older than I for just under three months. He is 56. He usually texts me two to three times a week, and initiates a date once a week. This has been pretty consistent for the past three months. He initiates the majority of the texts; however recently I hadn't heard from him in six days. Finally I texted him asking if he was okay. He texted back he had influenza. Is this normal behaviour for an older gentleman to keep the woman they are dating in the dark about sickness? I'm a bit disappointed with the lack of communication and feel like he might be pulling away. I cannot understand how he can be lying in bed for the past six days, with full access to his cell phone, without a quick text letting me know what's happening. He is not a huge texter, but six days of silence raises a red flag to me. I want to offer to drop off food, but my gut is telling me not to. Your thoughts? Pumpkin, older men a very independent and self-sufficient and it's likely that he just didn't feel up to talking or perhaps burdening you with the situation. It's only been 3 months and he probably just doesn't feel the need to keep you informed. If you and he are not declared officially as "boyfriend and girlfriend", I wouldn't put much emphasis on this. I wouldn't do anything much in the way of nurturing him. At 3 months, it's not your "job" to do that. Just let him know you emphathize with his being sick and would like to hear from him when he's feeling better. I'd call him rather than text, though. Hearing his voice will give you a better idea of where he's "at". I wouldn't assume at this point he is pulling away necessarily because unless he's made a big move towards a relationship with you, the pulling away theory isn't applicable really. He may be losing interest in you but unless there were signals prior to this, I wouldn't think that right now. Do you have any reason to feel that he's lied to you about being sick? If not, then just do what I suggested above. 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 Redhead...thanks for the response. I love your advice. You're so logical and direct, and no B.S. You have excellent boundaries and don't sugar-coat or berate. We are not officially BF/GF, although he has stated there's no one else he's intimate with. I am very cautious and guarded because he's moving so slow, and I won't invest more than he is. Whenever I feel panicked, I read your older post where you opine older gentlemen have managed expectations and may take a while to conclude this is the woman they want to pursue for a while; however it's consistency that should be taken into consideration. He is very consistent but not really progressing toward anything more than a date once a week. 1
FitChick Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Men usually want to see you in accordance with their sex drive. At his age he probably just wants it only once a week so seeing you more often would put pressure on him to perform, which he may fear. 1
Author PumpkinLumpkin Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 Men usually want to see you in accordance with their sex drive. At his age he probably just wants it only once a week so seeing you more often would put pressure on him to perform, which he may fear. HAHAHAHHHA!!! :D:D What a shock. And all along I thought he wanted to see me because of my delightful, charming and wonderful personality. 1
preraph Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Spending time is about getting to know someone. So it's just best not to overthink it and just see what happens and how it goes and if it's fun or ceases to be fun.
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