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My girlfriend who is also my employee is annoyed at me

jamesgee

By jamesgee
in General Relationship Discussion

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jamesgee New Member

jamesgee

Posted
Posted

Ok I completely get that the situation I'm about to discuss is not ideal. The stuff that has happened over the past few weeks are complicated and diverse but it's just one thing that's bugging right this moment.

 

I own a restaurant and am currently in a relationship with a girl I hired as a waitress/host. Not the most conducive place to find someone but it just happened, I had no initial intention of doing such a thing. She only works 1-2 days a week as she's currently studying.

 

Anyway last week I find through a friend that she slept with someone else, I confront her, she is devastated, I nonetheless break up with her. Days go by, she sends me messages stating how sorry she is and how it was a one off thing, biggest mistake of her life and so on. I reconsider the break up (I have very strong feelings for her) and decide to give her a chance. So we are back together.

 

Now, she cheated, initially I had no intention of letting her stay employed (emotional turmoil at work, betrayal) at least in the near future until things had settled down.

 

So we are now back together and she asks me if she is working this coming week, I said I had already organised a temp to work in her place and she can come back in a few weeks. She gets very vexed, saying I had promised to not associate work with the relationship. Is that fair considering this girl committed the ultimate betrayal?

 

By the way I know how screwed up the ultimate picture is (cheating, getting back together with her) my question merely pertains to the work question.

 

Cheers!

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

Be very careful . . . I see a sexual harassment lawsuit in your future. You can't fire her for cheating on you. Find a shift for her & stop dating her.

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Shepp Established Member

Shepp

Posted
Posted

Legally you haven't got a leg to stand on... morally hell yeah, she should be on her knees, but she isn't and the law doesn't have your back - murky waters your wading in mate!

evanescentworld Established Member

evanescentworld

Posted
Posted
.

By the way I know how screwed up the ultimate picture is (cheating, getting back together with her) my question merely pertains to the work question.

 

Ugh... No, it doesn't!!

 

You're wearing two hats: One as Boss, the second as a BF.

 

You can't wear both at once, and shouldn't try to.

 

Your relationship is one thing, her job and your role as her employer is quite another.

 

Never, but ever, meld the two.

 

Big mistake.

B-I-G.

 

HUGE.

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jamesgee New Member

jamesgee

Posted
  • Author
Posted

This isn't really a question of litigation, she wouldn't sue me, I know that as fact (as much as is possible). This is simply a question about her justification on her being annoyed at me for mixing work with the relationship. We agreed that one would never affect the other (I never thought however she would cheat on me!).

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Posted

Don't for a minute think she wouldn't sue you. Do you have a manger at your restaurant? Let that person do all the scheduling.

 

 

If I were you, I'd very delicately sit her down & remind her how much her cheating hurt you & that she promised your romance wouldn't affect the job but now it has. Ask her how she wants to handle it. Maybe she'll agree to quit. If she does, pay her a severance & get her to sign a release.

 

 

Don't date the help any more.

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Dontfindme Established Member

Dontfindme

Posted
Posted
This isn't really a question of litigation, she wouldn't sue me, I know that as fact (as much as is possible). This is simply a question about her justification on her being annoyed at me for mixing work with the relationship. We agreed that one would never affect the other (I never thought however she would cheat on me!).

 

Just like both parties agreed to be loyal.

 

Why are you even with her?

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CaliGypsy Established Member

CaliGypsy

Posted
Posted
This isn't really a question of litigation, she wouldn't sue me, I know that as fact (as much as is possible). This is simply a question about her justification on her being annoyed at me for mixing work with the relationship. We agreed that one would never affect the other (I never thought however she would cheat on me!).

 

I say yes she is. You did agree that you wouldn't blur the personal and professional lines. I totally understand you were hurt by her betrayal, but you did go back on your word.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

Listen, my friend, I get the volatile situation, but that's sexual harassment and you can't fire someone for cheating on you.

 

As far as the cheating, how old is she? If she's under 25, well, a lot can happened to a young woman in 24 hours and she doesn't have the best control over herself. Does it suck? Only if you had a firm commitment, one you'd talked about, one where you both agreed not to date anyone else.

 

But you can't fire her or lay her off. You need to let her back to work to protect yourself legally.

spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

Posted
Posted (edited)

While I can totally understand your feelings, you are mixing up work and your personal relationship. Whatever her relationship to you, the girl probably needs her job and she wouldn't expect it to be 'on' or 'off' depending on her love life with you. Whether she's with you or not, she'll still need a job.

 

I know it must be extremely painful to feel betrayed by your partner and how difficult that must make working life, but you have two choices:

 

- you can either be totally professional and see her work life as separate from your (mutual) private life and treat her like any other employee (if she cheated on a partner who was not you, you wouldn't consider that a sacking offence because it was her private life)

 

- or you can accept that you both made a stupid mistake by getting involved while working together. She in particular made a mistake getting involved with her boss because he (you) have the power to sack her/mess her around at work, up to a point. Yo could talk with her and agree a settlement whereby she leaves and you don't have the awkwardness but she won't sue you.

 

Basically, you are punishing her through work for what happened in your private lives. This is not right. In her position, I would realise you were doing that and leave and get a job elsewhere (and a different partner). Even if I was the one cheating, it's the only thing I could do because I could not let my partner mess around with my job and income because he felt let down and hurt.

 

If you keep up with this tactic of punishing her through work, she will leave the job and you.

Edited by spiderowl
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SpiralOut Established Member

SpiralOut

Posted
Posted (edited)

 

So we are now back together and she asks me if she is working this coming week, I said I had already organised a temp to work in her place and she can come back in a few weeks. She gets very vexed, saying I had promised to not associate work with the relationship. Is that fair considering this girl committed the ultimate betrayal?

 

 

You don't get to break your promise just because she broke hers. That's what it means to be the bigger person. I'm sorry she betrayed you but this is not the way to deal with it. She is putting herself through school and needs the money from this job and you are messing with her income. You don't do that to somebody you care about no matter how mad you are at them. In fact, it doesn't matter if you even still care about her or not because as a boss it's not ethical to treat employees that way.

 

 

If it's that hard for you to be around her then arrange the schedule so she is working on the days you are off.

Edited by SpiralOut
Radu Established Member

Radu

Posted
Posted (edited)
Ok I completely get that the situation I'm about to discuss is not ideal. The stuff that has happened over the past few weeks are complicated and diverse but it's just one thing that's bugging right this moment.

 

I own a restaurant and am currently in a relationship with a girl I hired as a waitress/host. Not the most conducive place to find someone but it just happened, I had no initial intention of doing such a thing. She only works 1-2 days a week as she's currently studying.

Congrats on thinking with your penis, achievement unlocked !!!

 

Anyway last week I find through a friend that she slept with someone else, I confront her, she is devastated, I nonetheless break up with her.
Wait a second, you confront her and she is the devastated one ?

How did she act between cheating and you finding out ?

 

Days go by, she sends me messages stating how sorry she is and how it was a one off thing, biggest mistake of her life and so on. I reconsider the break up (I have very strong feelings for her) and decide to give her a chance. So we are back together.
You are still thinking with your penis.

 

Now, she cheated, initially I had no intention of letting her stay employed (emotional turmoil at work, betrayal) at least in the near future until things had settled down.
Talk with a labour attorney, because she can't stay employed there, but you do not want an unfair termination suit or a sexual harassment suit.

And do not sugarcoat the situation when telling it to the attorney.

 

So we are now back together and she asks me if she is working this coming week, I said I had already organised a temp to work in her place and she can come back in a few weeks. She gets very vexed, saying I had promised to not associate work with the relationship. Is that fair considering this girl committed the ultimate betrayal?
Fair doesn't get it into it.

All is fair in love and war, is what they say; this is love and it might soon get to war.

 

By the way I know how screwed up the ultimate picture is (cheating, getting back together with her) my question merely pertains to the work question.

 

Cheers!

OK, i'll answer :

- you are sitting on a powderkeg; if she gets back to work she has you by the balls.

- you should not employ her anymore ... at all; even animals at the zoo know better than to do their business where they eat.

- she needs to go also because your leadership is under question if this part timer can do what she wants with you; ppl will not respect you anymore

 

Now, about fair ... you just forgave her infidelity and she is 'vexxed' at losing a couple of shifts when you two were over ?

Is she not a grown-up, did she not understand what can happen when you get in a relationship with the boss; sure some perks exist [the established man, money, good future possibly], so why bitch and whine at the risks associated with it ?

 

Technically i would say that what you did is not 'fair' but her definition of fair is a very selfish one, one in which she cherry picks what is best for her.

One in which she has all the rights, but none of the responsabilities.

You are dating a 'brat' and it will turn on you, if given the chance.

 

Play nice, get lawyer opinion, and act accordingly.

 

PS: I've only seen this thread from you and what you wrote here.

My impression, through this limited means, where only 7% of communication passes [verbal, no tonality or body language] is that you are someone who gives the benefit of the doubt too much to the one you are with; you are not too sure of yourself and i suspect that a big reason why you ended up in a relationship with her is because she flirted with you and you liked it, maybe even shocked you because you are not used to it [shy maybe ?].

If i am right, and i can sense this through this medium, she can sense it, she has sensed it.

That's why she is so gutsy in her attitude.

Be very careful of this one, if you stay with her long term or if you don't handle this well, she will hurt you badly.

Edited by Radu
Radu Established Member

Radu

Posted
Posted
This isn't really a question of litigation, she wouldn't sue me, I know that as fact (as much as is possible). This is simply a question about her justification on her being annoyed at me for mixing work with the relationship. We agreed that one would never affect the other (I never thought however she would cheat on me!).

 

How do you know she wouldn't sue you ?

 

Find her a shift and say that she is right, they are separate issues.

In the meantime, lawyer up and find a reason to get rid of her.

gaius Established Member

gaius

Posted
Posted (edited)

I'm not a lawyer but I thought sexual harassment was unwanted sexual advances, and I don't know in a situation where they're dating how she would make a case for something like that. In most states can't employers terminate for pretty much whatever they want if there's no contract in place?

Edited by gaius
anne1707 Established Member

anne1707

Posted
Posted
I'm not a lawyer but I thought sexual harassment was unwanted sexual advances, and I don't know in a situation where they're dating how she would make a case for something like that. In most states can't employers terminate for pretty much whatever they want if there's no contract in place?

 

Maybe it could be interpreted as "you're not sleeping with me so you no longer have a job". Which could also be stated as "to keep this job you need to sleep with me". That could well be classed as sexual harassment.

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Radu Established Member

Radu

Posted
Posted

Either way, it's a bad position for him, better if she were terminated with advice from lawyer and at a time that is separate from this overall situation.

evanescentworld Established Member

evanescentworld

Posted
Posted
This isn't really a question of litigation, she wouldn't sue me, I know that as fact (as much as is possible). I

You know the saying.

"Hell hath no fury... "

 

This is simply a question about her justification on her being annoyed at me for mixing work with the relationship. We agreed that one would never affect the other (I never thought however she would cheat on me!).

You are now reneging and breaking the agreement, and the circumstances are irrelevant! Let this be a warning to you - never mix business with pleasure!

  • Like 1
GemmaUK Established Member

GemmaUK

Posted
Posted
This isn't really a question of litigation, she wouldn't sue me, I know that as fact (as much as is possible). This is simply a question about her justification on her being annoyed at me for mixing work with the relationship. We agreed that one would never affect the other (I never thought however she would cheat on me!).

 

 

 

She has every reason to be annoyed with you for replacing her shifts with a temp.

Here you say you agreed that one would never affect the other (relationship and employment) yet you are keeping her from working due to a problem with the relationship.

She would have a case for loss of earnings if she chose to sue you.

almond Established Member

almond

Posted
Posted (edited)

I can appreciate that you both agreed that you would not let the romantic relationship impact your professional relationship, but that was just foolish on both of your parts.

 

 

I'm sure if you had cheated on her, she would've quit, therefore also breaking that agreement. It was silly to start with, don't worry about it. It's incredibly unreasonable for her to feel entitled to anything at the moment.

 

 

You both took the risk of becoming involved with each other. She cheated. I don't see why you should have to be faced with emotional pain every day by having to see her. Sure, it's her job. But, she also made the choice to deeply betray not only her partner, but her employer. Touch luck in my opinion...you reap what you sow.

 

 

I don't know what the laws are in your area, but I've fired people for a hell of a lot less. Speak to a lawyer and then kick her arse to the curb once you're legally clear to do so.

 

 

EDIT: I just realised that you've taken her back!! This situation is pretty silly. If you have chosen to stay with her, I have no advice to offer except for you to seriously reconsider that decision. You've made enough mistakes, I'd avoid another if I were you.

 

 

I still feel that it is very unreasonable for her to be upset with you because she lost a few shifts due to her deplorable behaviour. Zero remorse or consideration...very selfish. If you choose to stay, then expect more of this crap...sooner rather than later.

Edited by almond
I need to read a bit more carefully before responding!
  • Like 1
gaius Established Member

gaius

Posted
Posted
Maybe it could be interpreted as "you're not sleeping with me so you no longer have a job". Which could also be stated as "to keep this job you need to sleep with me". That could well be classed as sexual harassment.

I don't think she even said that though, he ended up breaking up with her. I guess she could lie and say she did but that might be hard to prove. It certainly would require him to shell out a healthy amount of money defending himself if she did try to trump up some charge.

 

I remember there was a case in the US a little while back where a dentist ended up flirting with one of his hygienists and his wife who also worked in the office found out, and the hygienist was terminated. The courts ruled he had a right to fire her and her case got thrown out.

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Radu Established Member

Radu

Posted
Posted

I remember that case, the hygienist was not exactly innocent either, the flirting was consensual ... in fact most of us here would classify it as the beginning of an EA, if not already one.

 

Firing 'attractive' assistant is legal -Iowa court reaffirms | Reuters

 

I think what doomed her case was the fact that she tried to frame it as gender discrimination, instead of what it was and that the relationship was consensual [the dentist would have fired her if she was a pretty male who flirted with his wife].

She also tried to frame it in such a way to involve the woman's lobby when she in fact brought all this stuff on her own, through her actions.

  • Like 1
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted
I'm not a lawyer but I thought sexual harassment was unwanted sexual advances, and I don't know in a situation where they're dating how she would make a case for something like that. In most states can't employers terminate for pretty much whatever they want if there's no contract in place?

 

 

Sexual discrimination -- which is a subset of sexual harassment -- is treating someone differently because of their gender. When sex / dating is involved, the law presumes that happened because of the person's gender. Thus if the OP fires the girl because she cheated on him, he is treating her differently because of her gender, which is illegal.

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted

I'll disagree with some here, the fact that she cheated on you should have no bearing on your work relationship with her. If you can't handle unpredictability in relationships, you should keep your penis in your pants.

 

She is employed there, there is nothing in your post that indicates she isn't suitable for the job, that she has not been doing her best. She has every right therefore to remain to be employed. I'm quite surprised that some people think she should be fired for cheating on you because they think bringing personal issues to work is acceptable :eek:

 

I work with an ex and we have had a fair share of problems, just had an argument today. However there is a shared project we both work on and we both do what is required and more, not allowing personal disagreements to affect work the slightest. It has been going on for over a year and it is completely separate from our personal disagreements!

 

The fact that you aren't allowing her to get back to work is an abuse of your authority over her since it affects her livelihood. Regardless what she did, it's appalling behaviour on your part.

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