COntve Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 New here, but I hope to get some good advice/suggestions. I've been married to an awesome guy for 10 years. We had our first child together around 20 months ago, and I am now pregnant with our second and am 22 weeks pregnant (just over halfway). They'll be two years apart. When I first got together with my husband, I was pretty confident about my body/sex; we are each other's first and only sex partners (I know, awww...). However over time I've gotten more and more critical of myself, mostly in terms of feeling too fat even though I am pretty much right in the middle of the normal weight range for my height, and slim by most people's standards. By the standards of both of our families, however, I am not one of the slim ones; and my husband is in really good shape--he has the body of a guy in his 20's even though he is 35. (I am 35 as well.) During my first pregnancy I knew I'd put on weight, but that it was inevitable; I was fortunate to only put on 25 lbs. and it all came off within a couple weeks. Our sex life was really slow to come back since I had torn in several places during delivery. One of my worst days happened when I found that my husband had been looking at porn during those first few weeks I was recovering, but that's not really something I am too concerned about normally--I don't think he is a porn addict or anything. Now with my second pregnancy things are pretty much going the same as the first, though I am maybe 5 lbs heavier this time around. The problem is that I am just sort of freaking out about my body, and it is really impacting our sex life. I can't stand to be seen naked and being touched just feels unnatural. I can't O during sex because I'm too freaked out about my wobbly body. My husband says that I'm beautiful; he appears to be one of those guys who loves pregnancy in his wife... and he still wants to have sex just as much (2-3 times/week). However he has seen that when we do have sex I just feel awful about myself afterwards, so he's started backing off and only suggesting it maybe once a week, which I know for him is waaaayyy less frequent than he'd like. Yes, a part of me is probably worried that he will be looking at porn again, which I really hate the idea of... So my issue is, how can I get over my own body image issues, because I'd like to still satisfy my husband and I know how important sex is to him? Anyone worked through this before and gotten better? If I can find a way overcome this and want to signal to my husband that I'm "better", how do I do that exactly?
evanescentworld Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 One: Try to enjoy some porn with him. Two: Work on developping a better self-image - more mentally than physically. Your 'body image' isn't sabotaging anything: YOU are. You've (somehow, along the way) been conditioned to believe that fat = ugly and pregnant/fat is undesirable. This is extremely unfortunate, as your pregnancy is a function which sets you apart from men: The ability to create, develop and nurture a separate human being, within your own body, is a wondrous and singular miracle, and one you should be proud to flaunt, not view as a physical disfigurement, which is how it's coming across. Some men love to see their partners pregnant, and in fact, sexually it's extremely alluring.... Your skin improves, your being glows. Rather than see it as something inhibiting, in my opinion, you need to address this attitude, because it's self-defeating. You're a mother, wife, human, sexual animal, beautiful, desirable and wholesome. I'd be so proud, if I were you, of being the epitome of a walking Wonder of the World. 1
StalwartMind Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 As you already have mentioned a bit, your husband is very likely one of those guys who does find his wife very attractive during pregnancy. Pregnancy is beautiful and can invoke desires in a man just as much, if not even more than usual. So when he says you are beautiful, you should choose to believe him. People have very different views when it comes to porn in relationships, there could be many reasons as to why he does, likely because he has a drive that is currently not being taken care of, which is connected to how you feel about yourself. Not being a woman, others may be able to answer this much better, but I can understand how you would feel when your body goes through such changes as a pregnancy. I do know that some women's sex drive actually sky rocket too during pregnancy, so it is much as you may suspect an individual thing. As a man who can appreciate women in all sizes, I would tell you that you should try to take comfort in your husband's interest in you. There may be many factors that make you feel unnatural, but your husband doesn't view it like that. Depending on your ability to communicate, you could confront him with your thoughts and possible fears. If he is just half the awesome guy you say he is, then he will also be very understanding, and could be the greatest aid in helping you overcome these issues. I do know that some prefer to not "burden" their mate with certain things, and that's fine too, but sometimes you'll be surprised at the amount of compassion you'll receive.
truncated Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Try talking with your husband and telling him how you feel. Take some tme to really listen to what he has to say. It may not be an easy conversation to have, but it will be well worth it, as you are helping to build a more solid relationship between you two, which is a vital part of providing an excellent home life for your two little ones. btw, congratulations and hope all goes well with this pregnancy
amaysngrace Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Every time you get down on yourself stop focusing on an imperfection and concentrate on something that you really like about your body instead. Nobody is perfect. Not even your husband. The second time around your belly pops a lot quicker because it's already been through it once before. The first time it takes a lot longer to start to show. Please don't be so hard on yourself. Your body is in the process of doing amazing work right now. Honor it. And go shopping. That always helps. 3
Author COntve Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 Fortunately we do have good communication, so he knows how I feel (which is why he is backing off a bit); tonight I told him that I'm going to try harder to be open to sex when he really wants it, and I think that went well. It really helps me to hear other men's perspectives, actually, since I feel he is biased when he says I (or pregnancy in general) am sexy/beautiful. When men on a forum say it, I have to take it more at face value since I assume you don't have an agenda--so thanks Stalwart. Amaysn I certainly like the suggestion of going shopping and will take that under strong consideration.. 1
thefooloftheyear Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Are you involved in a workout program.?? Women can train(yes, even pretty vigorously) from conception, right up to birth..If you arent, then maybe its time...Most women that maintain a decent level of fitness before the birth report less issues and a faster "recovery"... I absolutely guarantee You will feel better, your body will change for the better, and your confidence will soar....Not only that, working out(esp weight training) will boost testosterone(yes, in women too)which fuels libido... Its a win for everyone...!! TFY 1
Author COntve Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 I actually think maintaining fitness, as much as one can during pregnancy, is super important. I did this first time around and it helped me recover much more quickly and also I had a super short labor for a first timer. I don't lift heavy weights, I prefer bodyweight exercises and I also run (though toward the end I can't do that anymore, so I do elliptical instead). Starting a heavy weight routine, or anything intense during pregnancy when you weren't doing it prior, is really not recommended! Unfortunately working out doesn't always boost my confidence, though it does help a bit. But sometimes having worked out prior, and having certain expectations of your body's abilities and appearance, makes pregnancy and postpartum even more difficult; because you've built standards for yourself that you can no longer meet. It is just hard to give myself a break I guess.
xxoo Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Broaden your own view of beauty and sexy. I'm small and fit, and enjoyed my extra curves and "womanliness" when pregnant and postpartum. It's a frame of mind. Embrace it and enjoy it.
regine_phalange Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 I've never been pregnant, although I've heard other pregnant women struggle with body image. But: 1) Your husband seems very lovely and it seems that he adores you 2) Give yourself a break! Your body is doing something awesome right now, lucky you 3) When you feel sexy just hit on your husband 4) Maybe your pregnancy hormones make you more sensitive after all, have you talked about it to your doctor?
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