RoxStar Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 Some of you may or may not know that I had been debating leaving my current relationship because things were just not making me happy anymore. Well, I finally did it. Thursday night I told him that it was over. The rest of the weekend was rough. Friday he begged me not to do this and when I asked him what was going to change he had no answers. Saturday we didnt really speak much. A big problem for us is going to be the fact that we have the same social circle. Saturday we were out and I casually told him that one of his friends was asking about him earlier Saturday afternoon to which I got the cold shoulder from him. I asked him later why the cold shoulder and he said he didnt know how to act and I said well in public lets at least be cordial to each other. So then no contact yesterday and now I am beginning day two. I cried all day yesterday because I feel like this doesnt really matter to him even though he did say Friday not to do this but Saturday he was really cold and seemed so unaffected. This is tearing me up inside because I really dont want it to be over but on the same hand I am not 100% happy and he basically said he isnt interested in giving more or fixing the problems. We have a funky situation to begin with. We have been lovers for the last two years or so. We are best friends and we have deep feelings for each other. He says he doesnt want a relationship but yet for two years he has carried on this relationship and even called it a relationship and so on. I dont want a typical relationship either and I was fine with things for the most part between us but he has a habit of lying somtimes about the stupidest things and I have a problem when those lies begin to encompass our relationship. He has also seemed to flip flop on somethings which I just got fed up with. A few months ago he was telling his friend he wanted kids and then later that night mentioned he and I having a kid. Well in a conversation a few weeks after that he didnt want that anymore. He has said on so many ocassions I hope you are still in my life in 10 years. I dont want to be alone but then weeks later has also said I dont want anything from anyone. He has mood swings and serious depression issues which I have posted about in the past but he refuses to get help for himself. This last month for me has been a roller coaster. My grandmother passed away out of the blue and he just wasnt there for me in the way I felt I needed someone to be there for me. So as I posted last week about How do you know when its time to end things I just realized that it was time. I am so upset and sad and depressed and angry and frustrated and down and just a wreck even though I know deep down this was hopefully the right thing to do. He is not willing to compromise and I am tired of being so giving to all of his needs and starting to feel like I am not getting anything back in an emotional aspect. So here I am sad and alone again. The thought of dating and trying to meet someone right now just makes me queasy.
greenhorn Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 Take it easy Roxstar, keep faith on you. When you have hit the bottom there is only one way to go that is to come up so I am sure you are going to have better times in life it is just a matter of time Give yourself time to rewind and the resilence will see you through. Good Luck, Cheers.
Author RoxStar Posted March 28, 2005 Author Posted March 28, 2005 Thanks GreenHorn. Its just really a tough situation (I know all people say that when it comes to breaking up). I am the dumper and I am just distraught about all this and the dumpee just doesnt really seem to care. I just wish he was willing to give a little to this and being that hes not its evident that I need to move on as much as I dont want to. I have never broken up with someone that I still loved - well thats not really factual. I loved my ex-bf but he cheated on me so it made it easier to be the dumper even though I was still hurting. So this whole thing is really new. Even though I was the one that ended it I feel like I got dumped because my heart is breaking.
greenhorn Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 Well Roxstar I have always been saying this . In a Dumpage there is always more than what meets the eye, though the dumpage might be carried out by the dumper but this is only technically true, the act does not matter, if someone cheats and then make you dump then obviously you are not dumper. Don't think much, just let it cool that you were not responsible for all this. If someone was not able to reciprocate and not able to give back the same then how come it is your fault I know breakups are tough not cause I have read this or heard this, I say this cause I am going through this but when you can't change something it is better to accept that.We can't force others to behave in a manner that is true or sensible. cheers Roxstar.
Author RoxStar Posted March 28, 2005 Author Posted March 28, 2005 I really hoped he wanted to make it work and he didnt in this case. My last ex-bf wanted to stay after he cheated and I just couldnt do it. So this was my only recourse I guess. I still dont feel like I am doing the right thing but I just have to remember that I havent been happy. NC is tough too because I keep feeling that I want to call him to just ad to my point but its just not worth it. I am determined to maintain my dignity here and not stir up a bees nest and make this messy since we do have to see each other socially. He is in a wedding that I am also invited to in a few weeks and I really dont want to start a whole thing that will make it more difficult to be around each other.
acidrein_08 Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 From my perception of this situation it sounds to me like you broke up with him for the wrong reasons even though it was probably the right choice. You being the dumper you can't expect him to chase after you or be there whenever you need him becuase you broke things off and made things the way they are. You are afraid to move on and let go becuase you think you might lose him forever, but if you didn't want that to happen then you shouldn't have broken things off, you should have tried to work through your problems. Then if you feel like things are never going to work out, then you seperate knowing you have done everything you can to make that relationship work and it just wasn't enough. Break-ups are tough, most of the time people will hurt for awhile, meet someone new, and then fall in love and be happier then ever. Those are the same people who didn't think they could live without their ex. Right now you are lonely, missing him, doubting your decision even though you tried working things out with him and nothing changed. The best thing for you to do now is move on, however you wish to do that, give it time and maybe in the future he will realize what he lost and change or if he doesn't then he didn't love you enough. I think you made the right choice, just be strong, and good luck.
EC Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 Poor roxtstar! Its hard and yeah NC is very diofficult because yuou have been in contact with this person for so long and not to mention the social circle...but like you are doing you have to remind yourself that you were not happy and that he can't give you what you are looking for. I understand you wanted to break up to get some sort of reaction from him. Some sort of grand love gesture that he will be willing to do anything and everything and change to make things work but he hasn't. That realization is what is making this so hard on you. But once you accept it, and remind yourself you were not happy and his reactions to you are proving that, then you will move on and be ok. It will be hard but it will be ok.
Author RoxStar Posted March 28, 2005 Author Posted March 28, 2005 Thanks Acidrein and EC. I didnt expect him to chase after me. I didnt give him an ultimatum I just said I was done. He asked me to stay and I asked him what he was willing to work on and he basically said he was happy as is. I wasnt so I am standing by what I said. I wasnt happy for a while. I have been questioning it for a while but the sting is still there. Like you said EC when you talk to someone so much it is difficult to not talk to them even though I am annoyed with him. I know that each day it will feel better. This is all so fresh. Even though I told him Thursday he called me all day Friday. By the time I said no Friday night to staying he finally realized I was serious about this and Saturday we had a long phone conversation about stuff and I would say that Saturday was really the ending because he had nothing to add and doesnt want to work on anything. So for me yesterday was AWFUL. I cried most of the day and today is a little better but I have found myself just wanting to burst into tears a few times as I have been typing to yall. I just hate having a broken heart! I appreciate all the feedback. Really breaking up is just a game with time till you start to deal and have the healing begin. I used to be a pro at it I guess but I just forgot how much it hurts sometimes.
alphamale Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 Originally posted by RoxStar So here I am sad and alone again. The thought of dating and trying to meet someone right now just makes me queasy. ROXSTAR, this guy of yours is ME. this is how I behaved in my last on-off relationship for 3.5 yrs. i did almost exact same things as him word for word. HA HA. he is a very smart and cunning guy and knows how to keep a woman interested in him. he has done the right things (from a man's POV). i could learn soem things from him i know you love him deeply for a I can tell. my recommendation is to agree to spend time apart for an agreed upon perioid, say 3 or 4 months, and casually date others. and then reconvene to see what u both wanna do. my feeling is that you will eventually be back together.
Author RoxStar Posted March 28, 2005 Author Posted March 28, 2005 ALPHA I always knew I liked reading your posts and understood your POV sometimes because you probably are very similar to my jacka$$ guy. Anyway. One quote from EC's post about that book she was reading really summed up what one of his biggest problems is "Others cope with their insecurity by acting detached and self-sufficient in their relationships or even in turning away from romance altogether. They avoid what for them are the large risks of emotional involvement by not getting involved or running away." That was the post coming from the other thread and it really does sum him up in a lot of ways. ALPHA, I appreciate the positive attitude and thinking we might be back together down the road but I just dont see him being willing to work on some things. He wont change and I am really not looking for much from him in terms of what needs to be worked on. That is also the frustrating part because I am really not looking for much and he is just not at all open to compromise.
alphamale Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 Originally posted by RoxStar ALPHA I always knew I liked reading your posts and understood your POV sometimes because you probably are very similar to my jacka$$ guy. "Others cope with their insecurity by acting detached and self-sufficient in their relationships or even in turning away from romance altogether. They avoid what for them are the large risks of emotional involvement by not getting involved or running away." this is the definition of a commitmentphobe, which your man is. He wont change and I am really not looking for much from him in terms of what needs to be worked on. why u want him to change. have you ever thought, ROXSTAR, that deep down inside you like him exactly the way he is?? let me tell you that the day he changes like you want him to may also be the day that you lose interest in him. please keep that in mind. you've been with him for a coupla years for some reason and because you liked him the way he was.
Author RoxStar Posted March 28, 2005 Author Posted March 28, 2005 why u want him to change. have you ever thought, ROXSTAR, that deep down inside you like him exactly the way he is?? let me tell you that the day he changes like you want him to may also be the day that you lose interest in him. please keep that in mind. you've been with him for a coupla years for some reason and because you liked him the way he was. I am the last person that wants to change people in a relationship but in this particular circumstance there are these little lies he tells based on his insecurities and I usually am fine with the little lies. But when the little lies become him lying to someone about our relationship I have a problem with it. Its a really different type of relationship. You have responded to my posts in the past Alpha so you can probably tell its far from conventional. I have a problem that when my grandmother went into ICU and I was sad he responded that at least I am close with my family whereas he has almost completely severed all ties to his family. So instead of him being there for me and trying to be somewhat supportive he made it about him and his jealousy about not having his family. Thats just a mini example of some of the bs that bothers me. When I asked him what was ever going to change in our relationship and he cant answer that and I am unhappy then I know I need to get out. So here I am. Out. I am not asking him to change. He hardly even asked me what it was that I wanted to change in this scheme of things. I love him for who he is flaws and all but when he lies about me and this stuff with us I have a problem. He has also gotten a lot more depressed over the last few years and he is not willing to get any help for his problems and honestly its starting to bring me down too. Seeing someone you care about hurting and them not even willing to help themselves is tough. That being said, I know he wont help himself so what makes me think he could do anything to help me and he wont be there for me either. He is do insecure and detached that he just cant do for other people even from a friend prespective sometimes.
fundamental Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 Originally posted by RoxStar Thanks GreenHorn. Its just really a tough situation (I know all people say that when it comes to breaking up). I am the dumper and I am just distraught about all this and the dumpee just doesnt really seem to care. I just wish he was willing to give a little to this and being that hes not its evident that I need to move on as much as I dont want to. I have never broken up with someone that I still loved - well thats not really factual. I loved my ex-bf but he cheated on me so it made it easier to be the dumper even though I was still hurting. So this whole thing is really new. Even though I was the one that ended it I feel like I got dumped because my heart is breaking. Did you just end things to get a reaction out of him??? If you did, he is definitely going to do his best not to show any hurt. When he does this, it eats you up inside. Maybe you need to take the initiative and talk to him. Sometimes people on this board have too much pride and want to do the No Contact thing. I say go for what you want, NC is making you upset anyway. Now if you really don't want a relationship with this guy, then you might want to leave the situation. But from your posts, it doesn't seem like you really wanted to break up with this guy...like you did it more to get a reaction or to jump start him.
alphamale Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 Originally posted by RoxStar So instead of him being there for me and trying to be somewhat supportive he made it about him and his jealousy about not having his family. You should look for your emotional support elsewhere, from friends, family and others. Men are not trained or wired to provide emotional support. The men who do this are the ones who become your friends and they are generally "nice guys". My educated guess here ROXSTAR is that if you did find that "nice guy" who provided you all the emotional support you wanted then you would not be attracted to him romantically. Do you want him to become a "nice guy" and do everything you want and please you in every way? I doubt it and deep down you know that you admire his independence and aloofness and this attracts you to him. You picked him out for a reason or reasons. Most women I have been with in the past have said the same to me, that I don't give them enuf emotional support or whatever. I tell them that I can give a little but they can find the rest elsewhere or from someone else. And you know what ROXSTAR?? I am being honest and they admire that and ussually stick around until I end up dumping them. At least he is a man and has typical male qualities. Don't you like that part of him??
Author RoxStar Posted March 28, 2005 Author Posted March 28, 2005 Originally posted by fundamental Did you just end things to get a reaction out of him??? If you did, he is definitely going to do his best not to show any hurt. When he does this, it eats you up inside. Maybe you need to take the initiative and talk to him. Sometimes people on this board have too much pride and want to do the No Contact thing. I say go for what you want, NC is making you upset anyway. Now if you really don't want a relationship with this guy, then you might want to leave the situation. But from your posts, it doesn't seem like you really wanted to break up with this guy...like you did it more to get a reaction or to jump start him. Thanks Fundamental. I didnt end things to see what reaction I would get. Thursday and Friday he asked me not to do this so if I was going for reaction value I did get that from him. Not sure if you saw my above post to Alpha but there are some issues in the relationship that he isnt going to try and work on fixing and it has to do with lying that he does. He is apparently not willing to do that so as much as I really do love him, care about him and do want to be with him it needs to on slightly different terms in order for me to be happy. As it is right now I am just not happy. NC is the best way for me. If I continue to talk to him it will make it harder for me to move on. He will ask me to come back but that will mean all will be the same as it was without change. So I cant do that. I need to respect myself and have stand up for what is right for me. I understand compromise and I would be willing to compromise but he isnt offering anything and he doesnt want to change any of it.
alphamale Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 Originally posted by RoxStar I need to respect myself and have stand up for what is right for me. I understand compromise and I would be willing to compromise but he isnt offering anything and he doesnt want to change any of it. Everything you have said so far ROXSTAR is about you not being happy and you wanting him to change and him not offering anything. I am sure there must be some things about you that he is not happy with or that he would like to change. Has he every discussed this with you? The only way this will work is if you both change is some ways to suit the other better. It is not a one way street here.
Author RoxStar Posted March 28, 2005 Author Posted March 28, 2005 My educated guess here ROXSTAR is that if you did find that "nice guy" who provided you all the emotional support you wanted then you would not be attracted to him romantically. So should I just be happy with someone getting PO'ed because my grandmother is dying because he has cut his family out? I understand that men and women are wired completely different. I know you might find this hard to believe but I dont turn to him for much of anything ever. I am very self sufficient and strong but sometimes I need for him to just at least listen or say hey that sucks that is happening to you or something. But I dont get anything. At least he is a man and has typical male qualities. Don't you like that part of him?? Sometimes yes I do like that part of him. Other times I am the one that displays the more typical qualities of the male and he takes on the female qualities in the sense that he is depressed and sad all the time. Has a lot of emotional breakdowns which I am always there for him to lend a hug or a hand or an ear and I seldom have meltdowns. That stems from his depression and anxiety issues. I really love him. I wish we could work something out. He has been able to be there for others. A friend of ours got fired from her job and he and I met her out for drinks and he was so ultra supportive for her. He even commented on it and wondered if I was annoyed he was being so good to her and talked to her about her problems because he knows that for some reason if I was the one that needed something he cant do it. I dont know why. I am fine with most of the stuff between us and all the issues of which there are many but at this point I need to figure out what I really need and what I really want. I posted not too long ago that we ultimately want different things out of life. I want a little more respect then what I am getting now. I am not talking about moving in and I dont want to change his life. (Not sure if you know that song reference or not but its really essentially my relationship with him in a nutshell) I know Alpha you are thinking this chicadee is nutty. She is like many other females - want want want or change change change or nag nag nag. I am so not like that. If he could just be a more honest person I wouldnt be posting this stuff today.
fundamental Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 Originally posted by RoxStar Thanks Fundamental. I didnt end things to see what reaction I would get. Thursday and Friday he asked me not to do this so if I was going for reaction value I did get that from him. Not sure if you saw my above post to Alpha but there are some issues in the relationship that he isnt going to try and work on fixing and it has to do with lying that he does. He is apparently not willing to do that so as much as I really do love him, care about him and do want to be with him it needs to on slightly different terms in order for me to be happy. As it is right now I am just not happy. NC is the best way for me. If I continue to talk to him it will make it harder for me to move on. He will ask me to come back but that will mean all will be the same as it was without change. So I cant do that. I need to respect myself and have stand up for what is right for me. I understand compromise and I would be willing to compromise but he isnt offering anything and he doesnt want to change any of it. Ok, I understand now.
Author RoxStar Posted March 28, 2005 Author Posted March 28, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale Everything you have said so far ROXSTAR is about you not being happy and you wanting him to change and him not offering anything. I am sure there must be some things about you that he is not happy with or that he would like to change. Has he every discussed this with you? The only way this will work is if you both change is some ways to suit the other better. It is not a one way street here. As with every relationship we might have small fights but for the most part he has never sat down and said to me Rox these are the things I dont like about you. Your last sentence is exactly where I am coming from. I am saying here is what is bothering me and he says this is who I am take it or leave it and I am not willing to change any of this. I am happy how it is and thats that. Whereas I am trying to work on it together. I dont want to leave him. I dont want to lose him either but we just see things differently with our relationship. We want different things out of life in general. He has a problem with lying which then makes me look like an a$$. He is admittedly very selfish and I am just looking for him to give a little bit and he just will not do it. So I am standing at a crossroad. I either move on or just put up with it and see if maybe he will come around someday???
alphamale Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 Originally posted by RoxStar So I am standing at a crossroad. I either move on or just put up with it and see if maybe he will come around someday??? ahh I see the picutre now ROXSTAR. First you are not nutty, you are a normal woman. There is something bothering him also about the two of you and you both need to sit down and discuss things honestly and seriously and yell and scream if u have to . Sometimes conflict is good when it is honest and it brings things out in the open. Then after you have this discussion you both agree to take a few months off and do your own things and then see how you both feel after than period of time. it is the only way. trust me.
Author RoxStar Posted March 28, 2005 Author Posted March 28, 2005 There is something bothering him also about the two of you and you both need to sit down and discuss things honestly and seriously and yell and scream if u have to . Sometimes conflict is good when it is honest and it brings things out in the open. You might be right but I am just wondering why you think he has a problem too? I would say that his problem is that he is very insecure and therefore he is very detached sometimes. Before me he swore off any type of intimate relationship. He has huge trust issues and an incredibly overwhelming fear of getting hurt again. To repost the quote from earlier in my thread: “Others cope with their insecurity by acting detached and self-sufficient in their relationships or even in turning away from romance altogether. They avoid what for them are the large risks of emotional involvement by not getting involved or running away.”
Author RoxStar Posted March 28, 2005 Author Posted March 28, 2005 Not sure how I managed to double post the same reply... DUH!
alphamale Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 Originally posted by RoxStar You might be right but I am just wondering why you think he has a problem too? I would say that his problem is that he is very insecure and therefore he is very detached sometimes. Before me he swore off any type of intimate relationship. He has huge trust issues and an incredibly overwhelming fear of getting hurt again. From a male perspective ROXSTAR he probably has strong feelings for you and is trying to deny that so that he does not get too attached and hurt again. But you have hurt him by breaking up so maybe his fears are being realized. Remember that finding someone you really love is a double edge sword, it is the best thing and the scariest thing in the world (for a man.) My feeling here is that there are some things that he needs to get off his chest to you and it is of utmost importance that he do so. He already knows how you feel....now I think that you need to find out what is going on in his head about you two and the relationship. Now I must go to the auto parts store and get a passenger side headlight bulb for my car.
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