Trust

[Johnson1]

My girlfriend have been dating for 2 months now. She has a lot of guy friends, some of whom she's known for years, even past lovers with. She holds on to them via text and FB and will never let them go.

 

Now I know trust is a big thing with women and I know how important it is to show confidence by not acting jealous when we're out and about as she hugs and kisses her guy friends, but is it really playing russian roulette to have to much trust? Could it make her feel I don't care. Would I be playing the fool by being oblivious? Some women take advantage of a guys trust.

I know my girlfriend enjoys seeing me jealous because it's a way of validating my love for her in her mind (I'm figuring). That's why she does it. I don't know why because I tell her all the time how much I do and how much she means to me. I told her I do everything to avoid making her jealous because I don't want to do anything to hurt or disrespect her.

She doesn't do the same for me though. Lately we've kinda fallen off the wagon and our love has severely diminished because I've shown jealousy toward some of her friends (only past lover friends though).

 

We're going out tonight where some of these guy friends might be. Is it idiocy to assume the best when too much trust is given? Would I win points with her by letting her introduce me to him and telling him how nice it is to meet him, then tell her I need to go to the bathroom and let them 'catch up'? I think a lot of women would love that kind of confidence, but would she take advantage of the time alone given by me with a guy I know she finds attractive?

Edited January 9, 2015 by Vocals5

[Satu]

RED FLAG.

 

Is she really does enjoy making you jealous she's getting a kick out of making you suffer.

 

That's not acceptable behaviour.

[Johnson1]

RED FLAG.

 

Is she really does enjoy making you jealous she's getting a kick out of making you suffer.

 

That's not acceptable behaviour.

 

She claims she just like to fill me in on her past experiences and it's not to make me jealous, which I don't really believe. When we were first going out she couldn't keep her hands and lips off me at clubs where her favorite bands play, but she'd also tell me stuff like her having fun with one of the guitarists in the band that she's known for a long time by playing around sticking dollar bills down his pants (stuff like that). Stuff she really doesn't need to be telling me. She swears to me I'm the only one she'll ever want and she's been looking for the kind of love she has with me her whole life because of my love, caring and passion, something she says she's never had with any of her ex biker boyfriends. She will be moving in with me in two weeks. I don't know if I should've had 100% trust in her, but then again many of her friends tell me what a good girl she is even though she's had tons of past boyfriends and was never married. She told me she hasn't been with more than 7 men her whole life, even though in the 2,000 pics she has of her hugging and kissing tons of different guys she claims she was only friends with and that a lot of people get the wrong impression because she's seen hugging and kissing all those guys in her past.

[bubbaganoosh]

If she's moving in with you after only two months of dating then IMO, your asking for a whole lot of trouble.

 

Honestly, you don't know a whole lot about her and from what you have said about her, the last thing you need is to have her living with you.

 

Your making a mistake that can come back and bite you hard. I would wait because I feel that in the long run she's trouble and enjoyse seeing you squirm.

[Satu]

Too much too soon.

 

You don't really know each other yet.

[Johnson1]

If she's moving in with you after only two months of dating then IMO, your asking for a whole lot of trouble.

 

Honestly, you don't know a whole lot about her and from what you have said about her, the last thing you need is to have her living with you.

 

Your making a mistake that can come back and bite you hard. I would wait because I feel that in the long run she's trouble and enjoyse seeing you squirm.

 

I know. She's already given her landlord her notice though. She has to be out in 2 weeks. She tried as hard as she could to be sincere in her telling me how much she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me (even telling me she would move out of state or out of the country entirely and leave her 1,000 friends goodbye, which she's done with a couple of former boyfriends). It seems for every sweet thing she does or says, she'll do something else to get under my skin. She also does things like suggest that I do things that will keep us apart from one another for a while, but put a positive spin on it like she's only suggesting it to be helpful. She's been living on her own for a long time and isn't used to so much attention all at once. She says its smothering and something she's not used to, but she's trying to understand my love for her. I'm not sure of her love for me. Some of the things she does indicates she really, truly deep down loves me, but other things she says or does come across as the opposite. I'm really split down the middle with this chick. I don't want to lose her if she's really sincere. It would be losing the greatest love of my life and it would be my fault for not trusting her. I really don't know what to do.

[Johnson1]

Too much too soon.

 

You don't really know each other yet.

 

Probably. I'm wondering if I could ever figure her out though. She says she knows she can be difficult, but it's not meant in a bad way. She's tired a lot because of health problems (she had open heart surgery when she was 9), can be moody and set in her single life ways and isn't used to having a boyfriend see her and sit next to her on the couch 5 days a week. I can't understand to a point. I don't want to be the bad guy here.

 

She's two weeks from moving in and I need to decide now whether to continue this. I'm afraid of telling her I don't want her to because it will probably break us up. She may not forgive me for waiting till she loses her apt to tell her I don't want her to move in with me. I don't know if I'm at fault for not trusting a loving woman. I can't seem to go through with telling her not to move in with me. It would benefit us both financially. We're both strapped independently, but I don't think that's why she would want to move in, especially if she feels I'm on the overbearing side. I'm not sure what to think anymore.

Edited January 9, 2015 by Vocals5

[Satu]

Given what you've said I can't see it working out, but good luck with whatever you choose to do.

[Ieris]

She's wants to spend the rest of her life with you after 2 months? Don't believe everything people tell you, sometimes people say all the right things to make you fall under their spell. Plus, at the beginning it is usually infatuation, not love so it can fizzle out.

 

Just don't get too invested I say, you don't know her well enough. Plus if your girl constantly does things to make you jealous then it just shows how immature she is. My friend was dating a girl like that, when she went off to flirt with her male friends, he went and paid attention to other girls. She came rushing over, fighting for his attention and he would play it cool. "Don't you want to go have fun with your mates?". Nope, she stuck by his side all night...

 

You need to remind them that if they don't work hard for your attention then it will go to someone else. You're not going to sit around feeling insecure about yourself while she flirts around the room.

[Johnson1]

You're not going to sit around feeling insecure about yourself while she flirts around the room.

 

.....and that's pretty much what happens. Given these are friends of hers, some of whom have girlfriends or are ex lovers of hers that she stays friends with, but is kinda overly affectionate with (I feel). One in particular is this old, overweight (350 lb), bald biker guy with glasses who promised her he would put her in his will because they were lovers for a few month a few years back and now according to them see each other as a father and daughter. She defends him to the death and I can't change the way she is with him. She tells me I just have to get over it because he's like family to her. I can't believe she ever slept with him to begin with. He's 59 and she's 36. She very cute 5' 5" long haired blue eyed brunette who is pretty and he's as ugly as a guy can get. She tells me it's because of his personality and because they got along so well and she's not the shallow type. He helped her out from ending up the street, so now she defends him. I know it's only about his money, but she'd never admit that. He's like pics of us together and has said nice things about me and us as a couple, but still, at times I don't like how they are together. He holds the sides of her head with his hands and puts his arms around her and she pokes and prodes and smiles at him.

She knows it's tough for me to see how they could go from lovers to a father and daughter thing. I guess it's possible. Dunno.

Edited January 9, 2015 by Vocals5

[40 Fonzarelli]

Why don't you pull back a little and regain some power in the relationship. Stop acting so invested. Focus on other things. Maybe she will notice and straighten out her act.

[d0nnivain]

Jealousy does not equal love.

 

 

She is playing you. You don't have to break up with her but you can't move in with her yet It's too soon. Anybody who talks about forever too quickly has few clues as to what real love means. It's not all hearts & flowers.

 

 

There's no need to act jealous. Shake the guy's hand & say hello but don't run off to the bathroom to let them catch up either. Stand your ground.

 

 

I wouldn't wholeheartedly trust her at this point. She certainly hasn't earned it. Give her enough rope & she will most likely hang herself.

 

 

I am a big proponent that long term opposite sex friends are part of the package when you date a new person but I have always been suspicious of EX lovers. Keep your eyes open.

[acrosstheuniverse]

If she's moving in with you after only two months of dating then IMO, your asking for a whole lot of trouble.

 

Honestly, you don't know a whole lot about her and from what you have said about her, the last thing you need is to have her living with you.

 

Your making a mistake that can come back and bite you hard. I would wait because I feel that in the long run she's trouble and enjoyse seeing you squirm.

 

I already told him this in another thread. Don't think he really took any of that thread on board to be honest.

 

Anyway, regarding the question... I think it's incredibly sexy and wonderful that my boyfriend trusts me 100% with other guys. When he meets my guy friends he is so charming and so happy to meet someone important to me, he's respectful and friendly to my ex (who I don't ever see or speak to, and really don't want to see ever again) if he runs across him (happened once or twice when I wasn't there), when we go out in a mixed group we'll happily sometimes end up talking to the opposite halves of another couple, me sat chatting away to a guy friend half the night while my boyfriend has a laugh, and a proper chat with the guy's girlfriend. He wouldn't bat an eyelid if I went away for the weekend to see a show with a male friend (if boyfriend couldn't make it), and although I work in a dangerous environment with over a thousand convicted men and many male staff/colleagues on top of that, he's completely comfortable with it.

 

It's so liberating and wonderful and I treat him just the same. It shows how much he loves and trusts me, makes him seem so secure and confident like he knows I'm his and that I wouldn't consider straying (I wouldn't!), and seeing him be so kind and friendly to the other males in my life makes me melt. Yet I know if I were to step outside the line just once, it would kill him and make him doubt ever being with me.

 

Then again, I don't tell him the gory details of flings I've had in the past, rub my prior sex life in his face, kiss my male friends on the lips in front of him, maintain a super close intimate friendship/relationship with my ex partner despite his protestations, I don't base my friendships with these guys on being in their will, and I wouldn't even have considered moving in formally with him within a number of weeks. So ya know. Maybe her behaviour is an indicator you really, really shouldn't be trusting her. You know the problems with her but seem to enjoy proceeding anyway, while complaining about it on here.

[coolheadal]

I know where you coming from the prior Ex GF had many Ex BF who she was still close too them. She did say they're friends still. I was like you at first. Then I just decided to gone with the flow of it. I had never seen any of them try to take her away or give her false hope. Again you can't change their mindset this is what they're use too. No changing this.

 

So for right now it's: her + Ex BF (friends only with hugs and kisses) + you current BF.

 

If I was you, plan to go somewhere else. Never ever go to the same places her EX BF hangs out at. Why would you go there. All that going to do make you feel uncomfortable then you'll let and that's what she wants you to do is get upset and angry at her. Then when you do that the EX BF will step, they shouldn't but they seem to be a tight group of EX BF with your GF. Another thing they won't take your side, because your not in the group of EX BF yet.

 

In the past I would say this would be A RED FLAG for some girls but this one really goes the full length of the relationship like she doesn't have any morals where you do. So now if you go to this place after you know going there you'll just be unhappy is this the type of GF you want to date and have a relationship with?

[Johnson1]

All brilliant points. I'm trying to decipher if she is playing me. Why would she want to move in and give up her freedom? That's what I can't understand. We both know we'd save money and she has looked to others in the past to get out of money situations, but if things don't work out she'd have to find another place all over again. Is it really worth it for her to do that? There must be some fear in her that I could kick her out after only a month or two and she would've be able to save anything. It would be a lose lose situation for her. I don't understand why she would take that chance if she really didnt care the way she says she does.

 

Even she admits we've lived two completely different lives. She's been single her whole life and has many boyfriends and literally thousands of friends (75% of them male because she's the tomboy type, pretty, but a tomboy, yet cute and feminine). I was married for 30 years to a woman who didn't have any friends let alone male friends, so I'm wondering how much of it is me and feeling insecure vs her going about living life as she has been with her friends. People have told me if she really wanted to be with them, she would be, but she's not. She chose me. I try to keep that in the back of my mind.

Edited January 9, 2015 by Vocals5

[d0nnivain]

You are looking at this logically she is not. Also she doesn't understand that she's giving up her freedom; she thinks she will still be able to do whatever she wants.

 

 

Moving in with somebody to save money is never a great idea. Get a same sex platonic roommate if it's only about economics.

[coolheadal]

If I was like you don't have her moved in until you see things differently otherwise she's coming with extra baggage that you really don't want to deal with. Because whatever you don't give her she can get on the phone and contact one or several EX BF for things if any of them bother to help her still?

[Johnson1]

You are looking at this logically she is not. Also she doesn't understand that she's giving up her freedom; she thinks she will still be able to do whatever she wants.

 

 

Moving in with somebody to save money is never a great idea. Get a same sex platonic roommate if it's only about economics.

 

I told her flat out that I'm not going to have with her what I had with my ex wife with HER dictating the rules with little sex involved. She's already said to me 'sex isn't everything', the same sh** my ex used to say to me.

 

I know. I can see where it's headed, but hey, if she wants to play along that's fine because I already told her I won't put up with it. If she gives me problems she's the one who's going to have to go through the trouble of finding another place, not me. If she DOESN'T move in for love she'll only be creating headaches for herself because I'll kick her to the curb faster than you can say Jack Flash.

[d0nnivain]

Why put yourself through that again? Live apart & date for at least 6 months then see where you are.

[coolheadal]

What type of love does she want? Love of you taking care of her? or Love she has for you? Nope don't do it! Once she gets in there hard to get her out. Those Rules an etc.. She has too much baggage. What happens you come home and fun all her EX BF in house! I am sure you wouldn't like that!

[bubbaganoosh]

Look. Do yourself a favor and tell her no to moving in with you. In all honesty she has no intentions of changing her ways and the only changes she wants is for you to change to meet her standards.

 

You want to come home from work and see some 400 pound guy that need a bath and a change of underwear sitting in your living room just for starters?

 

Look friend, you just got your freedom back from a divorce and your now jumping from the frying pan, into the fire. Take some serious advice and tell her no. Yeah it will hurt you but not near as bad as the hurt your going to experience down the road. She's in her mid 30's and I gotta tell you she's not about to change her ways but will expect you to do so. Wake up before it's too late.

[todreaminblue]

None of the guys i have been with are jealous types.......they have been however protective......i help my male friends out always have....and if a guy oversteps the mark i let them know back off...in a way that makes it clear i am in a relationship so dont go there....... if i cant handle it i talk to my boyfriend if it becomes physical......or overpowering......guys i date know i dont really like jealousy.....maybe thats why they dont act jealous.....i always introduce my boyfriend to my male friends......there is no hidden relationship..and i dont get a kick out of a guy feeling jealous it makes me know i am doing something wrong and need to fix it.....i prefer a guy just eb open if something is upsetting him so i can help the guy i am with that is most important to me..who comes before my male friends.....or even exes( i am friends with my exes)....theres no competition there.........deb

[ExpatInItaly]

How old are both of you? I have to admit, I was shocked when I read you'd been married a long time. This dynamic with the new girlfriend sounds...young. My personal opinion is that you're moving far too quickly and she's going to to have her cake and eat it too, because she sees you as a "nice guy." So many red flags here.