Girls earns more than guy, but by not that much. Problem?

[anne1707]

I know there's a very good chance I'll catch up with her within two years. And hence, I am okay.

 

I did not ask myself the question on whether I'll be okay with this if I'll make less than her forever. I agree it'll infer something about me. I rather that it'll not come to this. And I'm sure to do all I can to ensure this.

 

Also, I'm very sure that me making more money is 95% a function of me naturally advancing myself with or without her.

 

I have always earned more than my husband and probably always will. If anything the gap (which has grown to a similar one to yours) will increase. It does not bother me at all. I do not think anything less of my husband for this. I also know that he is not bothered at all by it. If I start earning yet more money then WE look upon that as a good thing for US in planning for OUR future.

 

Now your post above suggests that really you are only OK with earning less than your girlfriend in the short term which means you actually are not at all OK with her earning more. What happens if her career takes an unexpected lift off and whilst you initially start earning more as you have suggested, her earnings surge ahead and you are back to earning less than her again (and for good). How would that make you feel?

[elaine567]

Now your post above suggests that really you are only OK with earning less than your girlfriend in the short term which means you actually are not at all OK with her earning more. What happens if her career takes an unexpected lift off and whilst you initially start earning more as you have suggested, her earnings surge ahead and you are back to earning less than her again (and for good). How would that make you feel?

 

Yes I think you have hit the nail on the head, it does bother the OP, it bothers him quite a lot.

She may be headed for $125-150 000 in the next 2 years, a sidestep to another company, a promotion maybe, so it may be a continual catch up process here.

If he is only OK with it because he thinks he WILL catch up, then he may need to rethink that strategy if he is going to be happy.

[regine_phalange]

I prefer my boyfriend to make more money than me because I will somehow admire him for that. However, if a man was driven and chasing self improvement effectively I wouldnt mind if he was slower to catch up. It happens ive witnessed people make large jumps increasing their income because they had this drive.

[BluEyeL]

My ex-husband made 40K and I was making 100 K at the time we split. We also graduated college from the same major and I got the dream job he wanted to have. I always drove the train so to speak, even when we were at the same income levels and he always pushed me to do more saying what I do will help him too. But it reached a point when he couldn't stand the difference of income and was also disappointed that I didn't get him the same job as mine, because he was always counting on that. That was just delusional because i dont have the power to give anyone jobs. Also, he had a temper and hated that I wouldn't listen to him sometimes and had said that if he made more money he could put me and our son "to our place". So also the feeling that money gives him control over us. Because of all this, he left us, 6 years ago. He cited that he can't stand being second and that with me he didn't reach his goals. I am happy he left, I'm better off, and happier than ever, nevertheless story is proof that these things are significant. I was with ex for 19 years. Btw, he still didn't catch up with my income

 

I want to say that if you make a problem of it, frustration and resentment will accumulate. If you're not ok with her making maybe more forever, you have things to think about. It should not be an issue these days because women work now and they make same or sometimes more than men, so I'd say an adjustment of attitude to align with societal changes is in order both for men and women.

[Art_Critic]

together that makes 176k, awesome.... who cares who makes more.. it doesn't matter....

 

 

oh.. and 76k a year is nothing to sneeze at.. be proud of yourself instead of thinking it sucks...

[Erised]

You make a reasonable living. Most woman would never care whether she or you made more as long as you don't treat her differently because of it.

[carhill]

One caution to the OP: Once one engages in reducing a relationship, no matter the type, barring business partnerships which are primarily engaged in for mutual monetary profit, to an accounting exercise or spreadsheet, the chances of that relationship succeeding in the medium to long term are greatly reduced.

 

Knowing stuff about one's partner is one thing. Predicating relationship health upon statistics is quite another.

 

My best friend and I were just discussing this topic last night over beers. I saw the manifestations of it in my M. If you get to the point of a power struggle, and most R's do at some point, all this statistical analysis can return to bite you in the ass. Up to you. If things are good, why analyze. Go with it. If it goes sideways tomorrow, or next week, or next year, OK. It does. Deal with it then. Life is always changing and there are no statistical guarantees.

[Shepp]

To my mind if stuff like this makes a difference to your realionship she's/he's just not that into you!

 

If you both bring home a decent wage why quibble over pennies. I'd think her feelings were sus if she had a problem with it and equally I'd think a guy pretty insecure if he had a problem with it.

 

I judge someone on how hard they work, not their pay packet!

 

I've never made as much as some city boy sitting behind his screen all day but that doesn't mean any of my jobs are easier or I work any less hard. See how he likes a days lambing, or filling your boots with sweat in the pitch black in a fire suit. Some gigs just demand a higher pay.

[FitChick]

Perfect example of why I stopped dating men who made less money. I couldn't deal with their insecurity. Never had a problem since.

[guest569]

I don't get it though, 1950s are gone. Move on lads.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I think you are making a big deal sot of nothing. Finding part-time work to close the gap? Wtf? What would be the point of that? So you have less time to spend with each other?

 

You are both young and your roles and salaries will change a lot in the coming years. I find it strange that it matters so much to you that you outearn her. It's one thing to want to be able to provide, but why do you feel like you need to earn more just because youre a man?

 

I will say, when i was younger, it did bother me if i made significantly more than he guy i was dating, especially if he was older. To me, the gap reflected indicated a lack of ambition.

 

But as i got older and my salary increased, i realized that income is a poor measure of drive and actual contribution to society. I realized also that i have the luxury, thanks to my income, not to care at all about what someone else makes. And thats very liberating, because there are far better criteria with which to judge someone.The guy im dating now is about 5 years younger and makes about half of my salary.

 

The only measurement i judge him on is his girth!

[MalachiX]

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS?

 

The Average house-hold income is about $50k in the USA.

 

You EACH make well over that. Together you make $175k which is between three and four times the average household income.

 

She makes a little more than you which is totally logical given that she's been working at her current job longer. The difference in salaries is minor and certainly isn't enough to create drastically different lifestyles.

 

The only issue I can see here is insecurity. Would you expect her to feel insecure if your salaries/situations were reversed? One person will always earn more money in a relationship (unless you both have the exact same salaries by some bizarre coincidence). Why let such a thing bother you? There are so many couples with much bigger gaps. Especially when one person decides to do something more corporate and the other person does something more community-service/creative (teaching, working at a non-profit, the arts...)

 

BOTTOM LINE: Neither of you are making $7.25 an hour at a fast food joint so be grateful.

[bu2002]

From what I've observed, differences in income only come into play if it results in both parties just having a different ideology when it comes to finances. From basic lifestyle habits, to spending money, to saving money, to investing money, and just how it's managed overall.

 

Given what the original poster posted, the difference seems neglible as it would appear on the surface both maintain a similar lifestyle and standard of living.

[MissBee]

Hello LoveShack,

 

Last night, me and my girlfriend disclosed each other's salary. This thread is not about why we did it. I respect a girl's wishes on wanting to know whether the guy can give her the life and future she desires. That's fine by me.

 

Brief summary: In a relationship for 9 months. Each month has made it progressively better. Looks very compatible. Same industry, same outlook in life. Essentially, great relationship.

 

I'll add the background later. First, the numbers:

 

Me - USD$76,000. Her - USD$100,000

 

Yup, the obvious is out. I earn less than her. Please let me add some context and background before I ask the ladies input. And please be honest, cruel to be kind.

 

1. She has 2 more years of working experience.

2. My company had a bad year and bonuses took a hit.

The following two could be cushions to make up for the deficit.

3. I am no slouch and am equally driven, ie Ivy league grad and applied to MBA. In other words, I am not being slack about the matter.

4. I am kindda in a transition phase and recently had interviews for job with higher pay.

 

Ladies, what you think? The deficit can be dismissed given 1 to 4. Or, as much as the girl says it is not an issue, deep down, it really is. My greatest fear is she suppressing a truth that will soon resurface.

 

Finally, I am on track to fix this, if it even needs fixing. I set myself a target of 2 months to do something, ie part time work, to make up for the deficit. I have yet to lose my composure and confidence. I'm still at a state why I'm quite satisfied with my life's trajectory and it's one that will eventually be to my and her liking.

 

I didn't want to ask my lady friends in person because they probably do not want to expose their demanding side by saying it's okay. Ladies here, I won't meet you, thus honesty please.

 

Thank you,

WillyLilly

 

 

I don't really understand the mentality that this is a deficit you need to make up. It's a relationship, not a business partnership. Plus, in truth, some whole families don't make as much as either of you separately, muchless combined, and they get on fine, so to me the amount you all are making is substantial for a single person to live on comfortably (and even more so if you had a joint household) that it shouldn't be a big issue.

 

If I make $350,000 and my bf makes $150,000, does it really matter? Not to me. I make more money but we both still make good money to live on as single people and won't need to support each other financially to live. Certain income gaps matter less than others. I don't think the gap between $75,000 and $100,000 will be felt significantly versus if she were dating a man making $25,000.

 

For me, that's what matters. I don't care if a man makes less than me so long as he can support himself, we won't be in debt and struggling, have similar ideas about money and saving and we can afford a lifestyle we're comfortable with should we marry.

 

My personal goals are to provide for myself so that I can live the life I want regardless of if I am with a man or not. What I don't want is to be with a man in a LTR where our lifestyles and spending habits are at odds. So we don't need to make the same amount of money as long as we can pay our bills and do things we enjoy without it being a strain.

Edited January 10, 2015 by MissBee

[deathandtaxes]

This is not a problem. This doesn't need 'fixing'.

[snowflakes88]

I've actually never dated a man who makes as much as I do. The only time it's become an issue is when insecurity rears its head. I would personally be completely turned off by a man who felt compelled to take supplemental jobs to "close the gap." That's just silly & unnecessary (IMO).

[willylilly]

Good morning all.

 

OP here. I'm very thankful and appreciative of the replies to this thread. It really made me look at my situation through the correct lens, as opposed my own warped and potentially self implosive lens. Just a quick update on what happened over the weekend and my replies to some of the inputs.

 

Btw, as it seems ages are relevant here, I shall disclose both of us are in our late 20's.

 

Weekend went great at the Marriot. Again, I paid. Hehe. The salary discrepancy was NOT raised up one bit. Which is good. Things flowed smoothly, both the physical side and the talking side, in which she continued to add small doses of future planning, thus suggesting that her knowing I earn less doesn't lessen her wanting to be with me.

 

Small minor changes which may or may not be important.

1. I paid for the hotel and movie. This time she offered to pay BOTH the lunch and the dinner. Before, she usually just offers to pay for one. I accepted her paying the lunch. I insisted to and did pay for the dinner.

2. She dropped subtle comments, where before she wouldn't, pertaining to my financial ability to finance certain future things. Two examples came to mine - hinting slightly that we lower our extravagances, ie musical shows costing $250 a couple I used to pay and hinting that I should focus on getting that 'kick ass' transition-from-MBA job which supposedly pays more than her.

3. We still maintain the lovely dovey wanna be with each other mood. I can tell she still honestly likes / loves me.

 

All this while, I made no mention of the discrepancy.

 

I'm still good? I hope to believe for 2, it's her genuine concern for our future, in that we suppress, just slightly, expenditure now for abundance in the future. Just like a good gf, she's using what she knows now to better direct our future for the good of our relationship.

 

It's still early and let me monitor the situation. I just wish that how she treated me this weekend is reflective of how she'll treat me for the rest of the year. Again, I fear the case where the truth of me earning less will 'sink' in and then her true reaction to that starts to show.

[willylilly]

On to some of your lovely comments ...

 

The only time it matters IMO is when one party's salary controls/dictates the standard of living (which you guys aren't even married).

 

From what I've observed, differences in income only come into play if it results in both parties just having a different ideology when it comes to finances. From basic lifestyle habits, to spending money, to saving money, to investing money, and just how it's managed overall.

 

Yup. Right now both of our lifestyles are the same. There are no demands from her for a Porsche 911 or Audi R8. Neither of us do monthly yacht's or trips to Europe. We still want an apartment and once in two months couply romance. My salary has and will continue to allow me to facilitate that.

 

I should also note that, if my reading is good, she suggested a less extravagant lifestyle from an angle of care and not dejection. I sense that she cares more for our future than for her to feel happy seeing Phantom of the Opera this weekend. She's doesn't feel lousy giving the play a miss.

 

In the meantime, grey market!

 

Now your post above suggests that really you are only OK with earning less than your girlfriend in the short term which means you actually are not at all OK with her earning more. What happens if her career takes an unexpected lift off and whilst you initially start earning more as you have suggested, her earnings surge ahead and you are back to earning less than her again (and for good). How would that make you feel?

 

Very tricky question. I never thought about it because I always thought that I'll make more than her in two years time. Of course there can be no assurances. I'll answer it like this. I'll feel absolutely OK if I'm making more than a certain amount and she's making less than a certain amount. Specifically, I'm OK if I reach $200,000 a year and she's making less than $270,000 but possibly more than me. I think there IS a limit where I'll be affected. Me $200,000 and her $350,000 might invigorate my insecurities.

 

A related question would be is SHE really okay knowing I make $200,000 and she $350,000. As much as the ladies here say that they're okay making more than their respective guy, I believe even above a certain point, like my $200,000, how much more does matter.

 

Gosh. I'm still trying to fathom what earning $200,000 a year is like. Btw, these numbers are quoted for someone in their late 30's.

 

I prefer my boyfriend to make more money than me because I will somehow admire him for that. However, if a man was driven and chasing self improvement effectively I wouldn't mind if he was slower to catch up. It happens

 

I realized also that i have the luxury, thanks to my income, not to care at all about what someone else makes. And that's very liberating, because there are far better criteria with which to judge someone. ...

The only measurement i judge him on is his girth!

 

I think I got this cleared up. It's obvious to her and everyone here that I'm aspiring to get there. It's comforting to know that girls do measure a guy based on other factors other than his salary, namely aspirations to be in a position of power.

 

Again, you girls are telling the truth right?

 

That was just delusional because i don't have the power to give anyone jobs. Also, he had a temper and hated that I wouldn't listen to him sometimes and had said that if he made more money he could put me and our son "to our place". So also the feeling that money gives him control over us. Because of all this, he left us, 6 years ago. He cited that he can't stand being second and that with me he didn't reach his goals. I am happy he left, I'm better off, and happier than ever, nevertheless story is proof that these things are significant. I was with ex for 19 years. Btw, he still didn't catch up with my income

 

For now, I can't see myself becoming the person your husband was. Even though I gave salary some weight in determining her respect or admiration for me, I never saw it as a means to gaining control. Fortunately for me, I am not the kind of person who demands control over my partner, thus a higher salary would neither lead to or allow that.

 

However, your husband saying that you wouldn't listen to him does suggest to me such a possibility when, like I said, the truth sinks into her. She could be thinking that me earning less MIGHT give reason for her to respect me less.

 

One caution to the OP: Once one engages in reducing a relationship, no matter the type, barring business partnerships which are primarily engaged in for mutual monetary profit, to an accounting exercise or spreadsheet, the chances of that relationship succeeding in the medium to long term are greatly reduced.

 

This weekend, there's no such reduction to numbers as a basis to the survivability of the relationship. Fortunately, we are still planning our future around the numbers.

Edited January 11, 2015 by willylilly

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

In the meantime, grey market!

 

 

 

Very tricky question. I never thought about it because I always thought that I'll make more than her in two years time. Of course there can be no assurances. I'll answer it like this. I'll feel absolutely OK if I'm making more than a certain amount and she's making less than a certain amount. Specifically, I'm OK if I reach $200,000 a year and she's making less than $270,000 but possibly more than me. I think there IS a limit where I'll be affected. Me $200,000 and her $350,000 might invigorate my insecurities.

 

A related question would be is SHE really okay knowing I make $200,000 and she $350,000. As much as the ladies here say that they're okay making more than their respective guy, I believe even above a certain point, like my $200,000, how much more does matter.

 

Gosh. I'm still trying to fathom what earning $200,000 a year is like. Btw, these numbers are quoted for someone in their late 30's.

 

 

If you work in trading, securities, hedge fund, etc, those salaries are only relevant if you stay in the game. Most of the people I know (Ivy grads) are LONG out of that game. You'll see what I mean.

 

I mean, what do you want? Do you want a corporate gal who makes a lot of $ or not?

 

If she is not happy with your progression on the corporate hierarchy, then she'll go with another guy. Do you want someone like that, or do you want someone who doesn't care?

 

You make 75K in your late 20s and you were gonna get a part time job to make up the difference between you and your girlfriend's salary? Are you serious, man?

 

Just a side note. When women make a ridiculous amount of money (over 200K), they typically have to marry men who make less. The women I know who actually make that amount (specialty doctors) actually have trouble meeting guys. Guys who make more than that will typically go for a trophy/pretty woman who may have no career success or no career at all. And normal guys who make normal salaries might be intimidated by a woman who makes so much more than them. So, those women will have to marry men who make less, sometimes far less.

Edited January 11, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[willylilly]

If you work in trading, securities, hedge fund, etc, those salaries are only relevant if you stay in the game. Most of the people I know (Ivy grads) are LONG out of that game. You'll see what I mean.

 

I mean, what do you want? Do you want a corporate gal who makes a lot of $ or not?

 

If she is not happy with your progression on the corporate hierarchy, then she'll go with another guy. Do you want someone like that, or do you want someone who doesn't care?

 

You make 75K in your late 20s and you were gonna get a part time job to make up the difference between you and your girlfriend's salary? Are you serious, man?

 

Your guess on what I do is spot on!

 

She is someone I want - a corporate gal. I guess that kind of girl will come with the money, and with it, the issue of who makes more. Just to be clear. Me wanting her is not because of her ability to earn a lot. It's her other qualities that truly makes her remarkable to me.

 

We did talk about our respective career aspirations not only this weekend but all the time. As we both know each other's industry very well, she has the confidence that I'll 'get there' sooner than her. We are pass her wanting some guy in the corporate hierarchy. She's absolutely fine with me and where I am.

 

Bottom line - we love each other for who each other is. She just happens to make more right now.

 

Anyway, I realize the part time job is a bad idea. I'm scrapping it.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Your guess on what I do is spot on!

 

She is someone I want - a corporate gal. I guess that kind of girl will come with the money, and with it, the issue of who makes more. Just to be clear. Me wanting her is not because of her ability to earn a lot. It's her other qualities that truly makes her remarkable to me.

 

We did talk about our respective career aspirations not only this weekend but all the time. As we both know each other's industry very well, she has the confidence that I'll 'get there' sooner than her. We are pass her wanting some guy in the corporate hierarchy. She's absolutely fine with me and where I am.

 

Bottom line - we love each other for who each other is. She just happens to make more right now.

 

Anyway, I realize the part time job is a bad idea. I'm scrapping it.

 

Of the aspiring corporate power couples that I know (and I knew a lot), it didn't work out like that.

 

That is a tough game to stay in. Typically, one spouse quits and changes careers or gets forced out, so your implication that it's going to be a 'horse race' is not really how it plays out.

 

I can't think of any couple I know where both are still on the Wall Street corporate track. I do know physician power couples, but their salaries are static.

Edited January 11, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[lucy_in_disguise]

 

 

Very tricky question. I never thought about it because I always thought that I'll make more than her in two years time. Of course there can be no assurances. I'll answer it like this. I'll feel absolutely OK if I'm making more than a certain amount and she's making less than a certain amount. Specifically, I'm OK if I reach $200,000 a year and she's making less than $270,000 but possibly more than me. I think there IS a limit where I'll be affected. Me $200,000 and her $350,000 might invigorate my insecurities.

 

A related question would be is SHE really okay knowing I make $200,000 and she $350,000. As much as the ladies here say that they're okay making more than their respective guy, I believe even above a certain point, like my $200,000, how much.

 

I dont even know if youre trolling right now. What kind of person is bothered because their partner "only" makes 200 k? Do you live in the real world, dude?

 

As someone mentioned, if both of u continue to progress to outrageous-salary-land, which to me is about 250k+, something will have to give, especially if youre interested in having kids someday. Most likely one of u will drop out of game. Given ur penchant for gender roles, im assuming you would prefer it be she.

 

As a single woman who is also in the game, its interesting how i have had to reevaluate my values over the years as ive stayed single. Looking at my female peers, im realizing it is hard to have it all - the high-powered career and the high-powered husband. I dont know any couples like that, and its understandable why. One partner usually has to make sacrifices on the career front for the sake of the relationship/ family. i love my career and am coming to the realization that i dont want to be that partner. I used to go for super-ambitious guys but realize now we would not be compatible. I want kids and i want a career so someone willing to be a stay at home dad is more realistic.