IAMFM Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 (edited) I'm gay, my boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months. Even though I'm 32, this has been my longest relationship, mostly because it was very hard for me to come out. I'm very happy with him, and even though I have not told him, I love him so much. He's been very supportive through some difficult times I've had. The relationship was very intense from the beginning, and now things are more steady. We spend the night together most of the time, and only when either one of us has a late dinner or party, or when we're traveling, or when any of us is too tired, we don't spend it together. He lived abroad for almost 2 years, with his boyfriend at the time. He decided to move back in, knowing that he would break up with his now ex., which happened. We started dating about one year later. I know for a fact that this whole time he has been talking with his ex, which frankly didn't upset me at all. I don't think I'm so attached to any of my ex's but from time to time we do speak. But there is something that is troubling me and I need advise on what to do. My bf is usually very open about what he does and what he's doing at every moment. But last week, he told me he was going to a Christmas dinner with some friends (but it wasn't his group of friends). I suspected it was his ex's friends because I know they also have a whatsapp group and even though he doesn't meet them regularly, he is in the group, which is also very active. But I didn't ask anything. Then, he showed me some pictures, and his ex was there. He didn't mention it was his ex, but I remember once we were seeing some pictures and he just mentioned in one picture that it was with his ex, so I remember his face. I don't know if he forgot that he mentioned, but when he showed me the pictures from the party he didn't mention it was his ex, he just mentioned it was a friend that was visiting for the holidays. I didn't want to compromise him and I thought it was nothing so I just let that go. Two days after, he told me he was having dinner with some friends (again, not from his usual group of friends). Again, I didn't say anything, but he told me it was some people from that party. Up until then I was ok. Two days ago, he just told me: I'm sorry but today we can't spend the night together, there's a friend from a close town coming to stay for the night because he needs to catch an early flight, I'm also having dinner with him. He was being honest about that. But I suspected it was the ex. I was right, because he made a comment the next day, about something he told me months ago about that friend that stayed the night before. What he doesn't remember, probably, is that he did make that comment, but he mentioned he was referring to his ex, not to a friend. I don't know why, but I didn't say anything at the moment. The truth is that I'm really hurt and upset, but I don't know how to face the issue, should I just ask him? I was actually expecting (I don't know why) for him just to tell me something like...by the way, I didn't want to disturb you but it was my ex. And ideally, he should just have told me from the beginning. I know also that he may just don't want to accept me...as I mentioned he's been the very best guy I've been with. But at the same time I think that because of that I may not be seeing something. It freaks me out because we've never had a fight, and I don't know how he will react if I just ask him. And also, I don't think I'm prepared to hear something I don't want to hear. What should I do? Thanks! Edited January 9, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs and add descriptive title.
Gaeta Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Ouff! I did it! I read it all. Please make some paragraphs or I may be the only one willing to read this big block of text. So, you and your guy have been dating for 7 months and are pretty connected together, spend a lot of time together etc. I think you should ask him straight out if this friend was his ex. Not in a defiant way but with a normal nonthreatening tone. After 7 months you are still learning about each other and consider this a learning event. After he confirms this was indeed his ex then you may want to have a conversation about transparency and honesty in your relationship. He may have avoided to mention it just to protect your feelings, some people think that way. If you value truth and openness than have a conversation about it.
Author IAMFM Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 Thanks for your advise! That's actually what I was expecting to hear. He really is the nicest guy. But it scares me that it turns into a big fight, or that he may tell me something I don't want to hear. I will find the courage to talk to him either way, because keeping this to myself is making me crazy, and not doing any good to the relationship. Thanks for letting me know about paragraphs, I'm new to this!
Gaeta Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Why would it turn into a big fight? You've dated him for 7 months, does he have a history of going into outbursts?
Author IAMFM Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 No, just because we haven't had a fight or an argument over something serious, I don't know what his reaction would be.
Gaeta Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 It's time to discover. If you are to spend the rest of your life together you need to know how he handles himself during disputes. Again, if in 7 months he never got mad I doubt he going to make a scene with this. You know very early on when people have bad tempers. Once again, talk to him about this without being threatening. Keep it cool. You want to communicate, not fight. If you accuse him he will go on defensive and this won't get anywhere.
Author IAMFM Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 Thanks again! One more question, do you think I should text him telling him that I would like for us to talk about something tonight, or just talk to him when we're together?
Gaeta Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 No don't do that, I hate when people do that lol. Then you wonder all day what's the matter and we create all kinds of scenarios in our head. When you see him just say you'd like to talk about something.
Author IAMFM Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 Thank you!!!!!!! I appreciate your help!!!!
Eighty_nine Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Thanks for your advise! That's actually what I was expecting to hear. He really is the nicest guy. But it scares me that it turns into a big fight, or that he may tell me something I don't want to hear. I think people are in this situation often, but the fact is, you have to know. You could not say anything and let it go to avoid a fight or problem, but it will likely bother you still and cause problems down the line. Also, I know that if I sit on things I always eventually bring that up. It would be a lot worse for your relationship if weeks from now you admit that you knew it was his ex and that it bothered you. It'll then seem like you were hiding those feelings. You should tell him as soon as you can, in person, and calmly how you felt about it. I know that especially in good relationships, this is tough... openly communicating and risking a fight when things are always so good. But really, if the relationship is strong talking about this will only make it stronger. It is a little concerning that he didn't mention it was his ex, but he was transparent about everything else.
Author IAMFM Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 Thanks for your advise! I also find it's a little concerning, but I will ask him. If it's nothing it will make our relationship better. If it's something, it's better if I know it now.
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