Author gnick Posted January 29, 2015 Author Posted January 29, 2015 Ok in you're opinion what should I do if I want to reconnect in the future with her? How much time should I wait? Im just talking about aiming for friendly conversation again not getting back together?
Simon Phoenix Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Ok in you're opinion what should I do if I want to reconnect in the future with her? How much time should I wait? Im just talking about aiming for friendly conversation again not getting back together? Honestly, at this point, she's probably the one that is going to have to take that first step. Your repeated attempts to try to make contact with her have pretty much eliminated your ability to be the first to reach out and have it lead anywhere. She's not going to trust your motives. That being said, you shouldn't be in contact until you are honestly indifferent to being in a relationship with her and, more importantly in your case, you stop caring about how the end of your relationship went down. You have to have no desire to rehash it, no desire to talk about it, no questions or curiousities about it, just be completely ok with it and having moved on completely. I don't want to put a specific timetable on something like that, but I'd say a minimum of six months from this point is advised, and probably longer. I know that's probably not what you want to hear. 1
Author gnick Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 That's about what I thought. After all the advice you've given me Im sure I've ran up a good sized bill. After thinking about it I think what bothers me the most is that out of all my relationships I tried the hardest with her and ultimately failed. I had my one shot and I wasn't good enough. I guess it's time to give this a rest
Simon Phoenix Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 That's about what I thought. After all the advice you've given me Im sure I've ran up a good sized bill. After thinking about it I think what bothers me the most is that out of all my relationships I tried the hardest with her and ultimately failed. I had my one shot and I wasn't good enough. I guess it's time to give this a rest I hear ya man. It sucks when you have committed your heart and, for whatever reason, it didn't work out. Unfortunately these things are out of your control, and the more you try to control it, the less effective it is. It won't be easy, but if you are committed to moving forward, you'll get there in time. But every time you hatch another attempt to try to appeal to her you'll set your healing back.
BC1980 Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 I guess I just want to find out what happened from her point of view and try to leave it where we both feel better about what happened Breakups almost never happen for a specific reason. What I mean is that there is generally not a black and white, objective reason that it ends (unless there is something really obvious you can point to like cheating). People's feelings change, and that is a nebulous, subjective concept. Because you still love her, you will never understand how her feelings have changed. You can never get into her mind and feel what she feels, so she will never be able to explain it to you. You will never be able to fathom that she does not feel the same way you do because you have been under the impression that she felt the same way. If you push her to give you more explanations, you might not like what you hear. I asked my ex for an explanation after we broke up, and he turned downright nasty and said some really mean things about me.
mtnbiker3000 Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 (edited) After thinking about it I think what bothers me the most is that out of all my relationships I tried the hardest with her and ultimately failed. I had my one shot and I wasn't good enough. I guess it's time to give this a rest This is a large hurdle that I faced as well. Exactly the same thoughts (in fact if you look through my posts you would find several that are worded almost the same!!)... And it's a tough hurdle to jump. In reality, it has led me down a path of major self reflection and shined a light on many issues that have been building over the last 3 and half decades!!! Still currently in process Edited January 30, 2015 by mtnbiker3000
Author gnick Posted January 30, 2015 Author Posted January 30, 2015 Thanks. I think I've kind of beat this in the ground on here.lol. I would rather her say anything to me including mean cruel things instead of not saying anything but that's just me. I've Reeled myself in for now. Not contacting her.
BC1980 Posted January 30, 2015 Posted January 30, 2015 Thanks. I think I've kind of beat this in the ground on here.lol. I would rather her say anything to me including mean cruel things rather than not saying anything but that's just me. I've Reeled myself in for now. Not contacting her. You made the right decision. I understand the temptation, and I'm pretty sure almost everyone here does as well. A lot of us have been down the road of having that "closure talk" with an ex, and it's not pretty. Mine turned really ugly and humiliating, which I guess was what I needed to put an end to it once and for all. Still, I really wish I had just gone NC from day one. Oh well, live and learn.
Author gnick Posted February 27, 2015 Author Posted February 27, 2015 Hey guys I'm at the 4 month mark since the break up. I haven't contacted her and all my questions have been answered so this is just a rant. Like I said at the beginning of this thread my ex wanted to be friends. I told her numerous times I didn't want to be friends. To me friends get together, go out etc. All I wanted was to text and say hello once in a while maybe in 6 months we could see each other. I had put this to her numerous times but she cut me off completely and would never answer. I'm still pissed off every day over getting cut off. A 5 minute conversation to find out wtf she's pissed off about Is all I wanted.she dumped me. During the relationship I treated her like gold .I'm still pissed off. Rant over
JollyDays Posted February 27, 2015 Posted February 27, 2015 Hey guys I'm at the 4 month mark since the break up. I haven't contacted her and all my questions have been answered so this is just a rant. Like I said at the beginning of this thread my ex wanted to be friends. I told her numerous times I didn't want to be friends. To me friends get together, go out etc. All I wanted was to text and say hello once in a while maybe in 6 months we could see each other. I had put this to her numerous times but she cut me off completely and would never answer. I'm still pissed off every day over getting cut off. A 5 minute conversation to find out wtf she's pissed off about Is all I wanted.she dumped me. During the relationship I treated her like gold .I'm still pissed off. Rant over Man...man...man...LOL. I think that deep down inside, you still love her and would do ANYTHING, and I mean ANYTHING to get back with her. Think about what everyone's saying to you--she left you, doesn't contact you, and basically wants nothing to do with you. It's hard being the dumpee. I know all about wanting to know why they dumped you, and thus, having some sort of closure. But I guess that you have to look at it as life goes on, and so do we. We get on with living, and loving someone else. You say that you work out (I need to start a program myself), so there's an opportunity to meet new women. In fact, don't even think about meeting someone right now, or at least focusing on that. Continue your exercising regiment, read books and newspapers, watch some movies, learn a new hobby, anything that involves self-discovery. What I think everyone's trying to say to you is that happiness comes not from what others think of you, but from within. Once you realize that, then you'll be ready to move on with someone else. But you're only going to move on when you are ready to.
Author gnick Posted February 28, 2015 Author Posted February 28, 2015 Once in awhile you meet women in the gym but usually they are hyper sensitive to being approached by men when they are working out. Best leave em alone there I've learned lol 1
Author gnick Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 Well I called my ex tonight through the Internet since she had me blocked on her phone. First time I talked to her since Dec and it was only for one minute. She said she wanted to be friends and I was a great boyfriend but I was to obsessive after the breakup and she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. So there ya go 1
Simon Phoenix Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 (edited) Well I called my ex tonight through the Internet since she had me blocked on her phone. First time I talked to her since Dec and it was only for one minute. She said she wanted to be friends and I was a great boyfriend but I was to obsessive after the breakup and she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. So there ya go Dude, you need to stop. The more you keep doing this stuff, the less likely she'll ever want to talk to you again. You're acting like a teenager. Edited March 12, 2015 by Simon Phoenix 1
Author gnick Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 Like you allready know my big problem was being cut off without an explanation. ****ing disrespectful. She finally told me what she wanted so I'm good now. I don't need or want to talk to her again
Simon Phoenix Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Like you allready know my big problem was being cut off without an explanation. ****ing disrespectful. She finally told me what she wanted so I'm good now. I don't need or want to talk to her again We'll see. I hope you're right, but you've fallen off this wagon quite a few times. Sneaking past a block to talk to her is not exactly cool. But hopefully you are really done. 1
ZiggyZoo Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 Like you allready know my big problem was being cut off without an explanation. ****ing disrespectful. She finally told me what she wanted so I'm good now. I don't need or want to talk to her again How are your actions any more disrespectful then hers? She has made it abundantly clear that she doesn't want to have anything to do with you, and you ignored her wishes completely. You texted, called, e-mailed her, and finally went around a block that she had set up to call one last time? She doesn't owe you anything, and she hasn't since the moment she told you that it was over. I understand the desire to find out what exactly went wrong, but you are by no means entitled to anything. Her reason are her own, and you have to respect that she doesn't want to share them with you. 1
Author gnick Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 I disagree. Technically you're right but without rehashing the whole story she owed me an explanation before just cutting me off. I refuse to take being ignored as an answer to anything. Have a spine and tell me what you want. If she told me through a text email phone call carrier pigeon etc.that she didn't want to talk to me then I wouldn't have a leg to stand on. That's the way I see it.
ZiggyZoo Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I disagree. Technically you're right but without rehashing the whole story she owed me an explanation before just cutting me off. I refuse to take being ignored as an answer to anything. Have a spine and tell me what you want. If she told me through a text email phone call carrier pigeon etc.that she didn't want to talk to me then I wouldn't have a leg to stand on. That's the way I see it. Every time she has ignored your attempts to communicate, she HAS told you that she didn't want to talk to you though. Her silence is screaming that fact to you. I don't understand this sense that you're entitled to an explanation either. I grant you that the method of ending things was completely immature and disrespectful, but not her lack of response afterwards. You have no right to demand anything from her and she is under no obligation to explain anything. It may be what you want from her, but just because you want it doesn't mean that she has to comply. I get it, I've been where you are. It is maddening to try and figure out what went wrong, but sometimes you just have to accept the facts without ever knowing the "why". It wouldn't change anything anyway. Well, except for the fact that the chances of her ever wanting to be friends with you are pretty much 0%. It had an effect there, didn't it? 2
Author gnick Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 We were best friends. I couldn't have treated her better if I tried. I know your right. But if you decide not to talk to me anymore tell me what's up .I'm the dumpee here. I wasn't even asking for an explanation. she can kiss my ass at this point anyway. I'm not interested in hearing from her again at this point
irresolute Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 You need to stop. You look desperate and miserable and if you don't stop harassing her, she'll probably call the police. I'd be scared of you too, you sound obsessively addicted. She said she doesn't want you, how do you think this is gonna change? It's not. She's probably feeling pity and I don't think that's good at all. Gezzz I feel for you, but if you want to survive from this situation you must get help and exercise self control. Otherwise this will not have a happy end for you. 1
Author gnick Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 I finally got her to tell me what she wants so I have no further need or desire to speak to her
Frank13 Posted March 12, 2015 Posted March 12, 2015 I read this entire thread and 4 things came to mind. 1. Obsessive 2. Stalker 3. Creeper 4 Restraining order Unfortunately I don't think you're done. Her silence told you loud and clear that she didn't want to talk to you but you went around her block and said now that she told you that, you are okay with it. You knew this before she told you. If I were her, I'd be carrying a gun because you are way past just being desperate. 1
Author gnick Posted March 12, 2015 Author Posted March 12, 2015 Bull**** dude .I'm pissed off that someone that had absolutely no reason or cause did not have the common decency to say " from this point on I won't be speaking to you again" instead she just stopped communicating.
Author gnick Posted March 13, 2015 Author Posted March 13, 2015 For all the people that gave me advice here especially Simon Phoenix I want to say thanks. For everybody whose telling me I'm a stalker need therapy etc . just wanna say.... I don't mean to be ****ed up I just am
marky00 Posted March 27, 2015 Posted March 27, 2015 Have to diagree with most of you. How someone dumps you is important. Long-term (years down the line maybe not) but if it adds extra weeks to your pain, of course it matters. I just got dumped by my gf of 10 years in Thailand in mid Feb. She had been out to Australia only 2 months prior. I went to Thailand with my mum and grandma and she knew this trip was planned when she left Australia. Well, in the weeks between Australia nd Thailand, she met a new guy (a highschool sweetheart from her village). So I arrive there with a red target on my back. Basically she knows day1 I am toast so she is cutting the nights short and being more distant (being disrespectful). She later claims she did this so that my family could enjoy the trip since the tickets had already been paid for. Anyway about 6 days in she starts to crack and demands a face to face but decides to say nothing. The next night I text her and ask to meet up, no reply. Next morning (2nd last day) she texts to say she feel asleep and was leaving Bangkok for 2 days (i.e. I would not see her before I left). This prompts me to call heer on the phone where she finally breaks it off after calling her like 5 times. The way she broke it off was pitiful, disrecpected me the whole way, treated me like a 2 year old who cant handle a face to face (she has the problem, not me). Worst thing is she was messaging me and calling em in Australia heaps in the weeks leading up to the trip which made me fall from a bigger height. Yes, at the end of the day what hurts most is we broke-up. But the way she did things makes me wonder if she cared at all. I was treated like yesterday's garbage. Put it this way, in the end as the dumper it is in your interest to take as much of the pain as possible during the breakup because otherwise you carry that pain for the rest of your life. A face to face will cause more pain for dumper short term but long term you will be gald you did that. She should have told me before I left Australia or at least sat me down as a face to face early in the trip and tell me what was going on. But of course she wanted to tell me on last day so i would be forced to run with no answers etc. On the last day, she did agree to a face-to-face but the damage had already been done on the phone the day before. So yes, hoe you do it matters. The hardest part about dumping someone is you have to do it the exact opposite way to the you think you should. It should be with love and honesty. Being cruel to make sure the dumpee gets the point is silly because you are just lying to yourself and the dumpee. is suspect my girlfired may have done a bit of that because she knows I am defiant and may have tried to change her mind. However, now she has painted a picture that she values me at zero (but I know she doesnt) and threw me out as yesterdays garbage in another country (her territory). So not only has she dumped me, she has done it in a way that makes me seem worthless. Teh dumper needs to just be honest and leave it to the dumpee to evaulate the situation. Unless the dumpee treis to chase, there is absolutely no need for being 10 x extra cruel or even lie about feelings to get a dumpee to move on.
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