TouchedByMoreThanAnA Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 I have no where else to turn. I need help. My girlfriend/fiance recently found out that she has breast cancer. Cancer is never good, but her's is quite bad. We found out about 3 weeks ago and her surgery to remove the tumor is this morning. I've tried to be strong for her, but now I'm falling apart. Nothing in our relationship has come easy, 1)we have a large age difference, 2)she's been married before, 3)she has children, 4) I'm in the military and away a lot and now we're dealing with Cancer. I feel so guilty for even feeling bad because she is the one that has to go through all of this. We live apart now and it looks like we will for the next 3 years as she must stay near her doctors and cancer center. The worst part is I cannot leave and she may not have much time left. Since she is young the cancer is ravaging her body quickly. It seems to be in the lymphatic system. Again, I feel so guilty for wanting to be with her and for feeling bad but I cannot help it. Everyday I put on a front and try to give her someone to lean on. Now I need someone to lean on. I'm scared and weak. I've turned to God and it does help some. I would never put additional stress on her due to my worries and feelings while she's going through this but I'm finding it harder and harder to show her a brave face. I wish I could take it from her and carry this burden for her, but I know I cannot. It hurts so bad inside and I'm not sure where to turn. To me it is much easier to die than to watch someone you love die. As she sits there tired and in pain I feel it in me. I want to cry everytime I think about it. What can I do?
tiki Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 Pray, pray, pray. Then pray some more. Ask others to pray for her. I'm sorry for your pain. I'll say a little prayer for her.
boursin_cheese Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 I'm so sorry you and your love are going through this awful thing. Cancer is a rotten, thieving scourge no one deserves to endure or witness. I've got a lot of experience caring for someone with cancer. I will try to help in any way I can -- even if it is just to lend a distant ear... Right now, one thing you can do for yourself and her, is to give yourself a teensy break and try stop feeling so guilty. I understand those guilty feelings so well and I know it's valid to feel them but it takes a lot of energy to feed that guilt and you're going to need that energy for more important things. Oh, and then don't start to feel guilty for not feeling guilty enough OK? :-) You aren't weak and you aren't bad for feeling awful and wanting help. Strong people ask for help, not weak ones. Smart people ask for help. The more help and support you have for anything you have to do, the better able you will be to help and support your fiancee with what she has to do. You're so right -- she doesn't need any additional stress but it's OK to cry with her too and then put the brave face back in place. It's horrible that you don't have a choice about staying with your family. You sound like you're doing all that you can while you're together though and you probably help more than you know just by being loving and supportive. You are giving the best and hardest thing to give. Not all people are not created equal when it comes to giving love and care in this situation. Everyone behaves differently when a loved one has cancer and sometimes, it's not so loving. Even in the closest families... When it hasn't happened to you it's impossible to understand the isolation and loneliness that it brings to the sufferer. Her first conscious thoughts when she wakes up each day may be something like this: 1. I'm awake. 2. I have cancer. 3. I'm going to die. 4. What will happen to my children? And then the day begins and everything else comes after... Any need, worry or problem or responsibility, regardless of how small, that can be removed from her to do list is going to be a HUGE gift for her. Every time you listen, or get her a glass of water, or do something nice for her kids, or tell her you love her you are helping her. Every time you're strong when she can't be strong helps her. People are going to tell you that what you are doing is special. You have to believe that. What you are giving is special and appreciated. If you have questions about anything -- I will do my best to help. I've been where you are. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. b.c.
Author TouchedByMoreThanAnA Posted March 28, 2005 Author Posted March 28, 2005 BC I truly and deeply appreciate your message. To hear your kind words fills my aching heart with hope. It's so hard to see the one you love most hurting especially when there is absolutely nothing you can do for them. This helpless feeling is so hard to deal with and I'm so scared that she'll see it. I really cannot allow that because that's the last thing she needs. It's my job to be strong for her and give her an outlet for frustration, anger, and sadness; and in addition I must provide hope, love, and strength for her and her children. I do these things without reservation - it's just that I'm finding that I need someone to lean on. I just now recieved a call that the surgery has started and everything is going well. I'm hurting so bad inside. I wish it were me on that operating table right now.
quankanne Posted March 28, 2005 Posted March 28, 2005 To me it is much easier to die than to watch someone you love die. As she sits there tired and in pain I feel it in me. I want to cry everytime I think about it going through this kind of experience sucks, but know that it's all right to be upset or ambivalent or angry about things. The main thing is that your gal knows you are there with her in spirit, and believe me, that makes a world of difference. if there's one thing I've learned while going through something similar with my mom two years ago, is that you can never tell a person enough that you love them or what a difference they've made in your life. It doesn't mean things will be easier, but you won't have any regrets in sharing that joy that comes from love ... you and your angel are very much in my prayers as I write, quank
Author TouchedByMoreThanAnA Posted March 29, 2005 Author Posted March 29, 2005 My sweety is in her hospital bed recovering as I write. She will be there for the next 24 hours and then she will go home and rest. Her surgery went well, but there is a long road of treatment ahead. I greatly appreciate all the support and help you have all given me in this horrific time. Please keep her in your prayers. Thank you all again.
flowergirl Posted April 14, 2005 Posted April 14, 2005 Well, you seem like such a strong person just by being there for your girl. I''ll keep both of you in my prayers.
boursin_cheese Posted April 15, 2005 Posted April 15, 2005 It's been a while -- how are things going? You OK? Let us know. Still in thoughts and prayers. b.c.
(Small)(Custom).thumb.jpg.6faf1ae1082f582b4c6ff9cf2231ee3c.jpg)
Recommended Posts