highwaykid Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I'm new here and since I'm rounding the bend to 30, I figure it's time to get serious about finding someone to settle down with. A bit about me--I'm a guy, 28 years old, owner of an educational services business (currently the only employee but that should change in the next 24 months as things continue to grow; I've only had this business for 18 months and previously was a public school teacher). I live alone in the suburbs--not a country guy at all and not someone who would get along well in the inner city. Despite living alone, I am an extrovert by nature. My parents never really liked each other and finally divorced when I was 14. I don't even recall seeing them kiss each other growing up. My grandparents were the only couple in the family who showed romance. I have no siblings and come from a very small family. My uncle has been divorced several times but his daughter (my cousin) is in a good marriage with 2 kids. I've been in a few relationships but none have lasted more than a year. One strong relationship ended because the girl moved 200 miles away after she graduated from college. This probably was the best marriage potential I have had to this point. I had my most recent breakup in August and have not been on a date with anyone new since then. I have also been cheated on twice. I'm back in the dating pool but have some concerns about myself going forward and want to know if these are going to make things tough for me… 1. I have found I have very unique interests compared to the people I have dated. Although I run and enjoy sports, I don't really "get" most movies and TV shows and therefore avoid them. I'm almost pop culture illiterate, save for knowing the things my students talk about. Rather than sit in front of the TV like most Americans, I find myself tinkering with things instead, and they're usually quite odd things--classic computers, antique furniture, and, most recently, a traffic signal. I hope my interests aren't a turnoff to the general population. 2. I absolutely hate terms of endearment and holding hands in public. I don't mind hugging folks out and about (truthfully, I enjoy it), but can't stand being called "honey" or anything like that. I'd probably also freak out if I were ever on the "kiss cam" at the baseball game. Are there people out there who are OK with this? 3. Despite my age and previous relationships, I have never had sex before and that will wait until marriage. Even then, I honestly would have no clue what to do--I don't watch adult movies. I'm really not even that interested in having it aside from having children--I just don't see the point if it's not for procreation. I hope this won't kill a relationship. 4. I have some trust issues, not because of past relationships, but because of traumatic events in my life at ages 3, 19, 24, and 26. I have rejected a few girls because I just don't feel I can trust them!! 5. That being said, I do have someone in my life whom I met on a dating website in October 2013. She is very quiet and shy, but when we get together, we get along great. I feel comfortable around her, but she lives rather far away and seems unsure of herself. I have dated other girls since meeting her (I have not told her that) but after getting together with her for coffee once again in December (we have kept up via telephone), I really feel like she could be relationship material for me personally. (She doesn't know about all the junk I work on at home but also is pretty bad with pop culture). Trouble is, we've known each other this long and have rarely gotten together--should I go for it at this point? My gut says to do it, but I want some input as well. (She's had a rough year with grad school so perhaps this is a better time now than before, maybe I waited for a reason?) Just thought I'd throw that out there since I need some confidence for this whole dating thing. BTW: I'm not THAT clueless with dating. I'm that rare guy who opens the doors, almost always pays, and both knows who the florist is and what to buy from him. Not bad for a guy who teaches chemistry and calculus for a living
PegNosePete Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 1. I have found I have very unique interests compared to the people I have dated. ... I hope my interests aren't a turnoff to the general population. Concentrate ont he positive rather than the negative. Don't worry about what interests you don't share, just concentrate on those you do. And always be prepared to share in your partner's interests, just as you expect them to share in yours. 2. I absolutely hate terms of endearment and holding hands in public. ... Are there people out there who are OK with this? Of course! Anything you can think of, there are some people who are like that. But most people would expect a bit of discrete PDA when in a long term relationship so I'd just advise you practice and get over it. It doesn't seem to have hindered you in your past relationships? 3. Despite my age and previous relationships, I have never had sex before and that will wait until marriage. If this is for religious reasons then you're far from alone, and may find a like-minded partner by sticking to your own religion (or similar ones). There are OLD sites specially for this kind of thing. If it's not for religious reasons then you can still find like-minded people although you might have to search a bit harder. 4. I have some trust issues ... I have rejected a few girls because I just don't feel I can trust them!! Trust your gut! If you don't feel you can trust them, then there's probably a reason for your mistrust. It doesn't seem to have prevented you from finding a GF in the past, so I don't see why it should in the future. 5. That being said, I do have someone in my life whom I met on a dating website in October 2013. Well a LDR is hard work. What is the long term potential here? How often would you meet, and would either of you move to be with the other? If it's got potential then go for it.
Assada Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 If you teach chemistry and calculus, you must know some pop culture things. In my life its always been simple for me. Find a woman who treats me good. I dont mind talking to. bonus: She plays with my penis, and I feel good You might even want to tell her about some of the stuff you do.
BluEyeL Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 The only problem I see is your views on sex. That's going to be pretty difficult to overcome in a marriage, but I'm hearing there are some asexual women out there so you must find one who doesn't care for sex.
Lernaean_Hydra Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Have you ever really sat down and thought about exactly why it is you want a relationship? Because it sounds to me like you want something like a platonic companion and not a genuine romantic partner. Also, have you come to a firm conclusion in regards to your sexuality? Your near total lack of interest is a concerning thing to hear from someone claiming to be seeking a long term mate. I'm really not even that interested in having it aside from having children--I just don't see the point if it's not for procreation. I hope this won't kill a relationship. Well, it will. Unless you find yourself in some sort of "arrangement" in which it is agreed sex will either be non existent or highly infrequent very early on, your apathetic and lackadaisical attitude towards sex will be detrimental. Sex helps couples bond and connect on top of other things, it's the thing that separates someone from being just another close friend. Very few women would be willing to jump headfirst into a relationship in which sex is basically out of the question or worse treated as little more than a procreative act right out of the gate. It's a clinical and fairly cold approach. So, again, I ask why are you looking to date? 2
LadyLuck2014 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Wow, you have serious intimacy issues. You also have no clue about sex or intimacy or passion or any of that. Guess you'll have to find a girl who's as introverted emotionally and sexually as you are. I'm sure they're out there. 2
Author highwaykid Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 To answer the question why I want a relationship--I want someone to be by my side as I go through this game of life, and I do want to have a family. I just don't get why y'all think sex is so important. Can't you just spend quality time together and bond without it? I don't mind cuddling with someone on a couch or even on a bed, but seriously…why are we the only species that has to make sex such a big deal? Maybe I am clueless about this stuff, but from what I remember from health class, it sounds pretty gross and messy. I'll do it to have a child someday, but even then, I'll be darned if I know what to do--do they teach you about this in marriage counseling? Also, FYI: I am a Christian who stands by the "no sex until marriage" code in the Bible.
BluEyeL Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 You want someone by your side, yet, you have nothing to offer romantically to a woman. You werd born 500 years too late. 1
Lernaean_Hydra Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Maybe I am clueless about this stuff, but from what I remember from health class, it sounds pretty gross and messy. I'll do it to have a child someday, but even then, I'll be darned if I know what to do--do they teach you about this in marriage counseling? Also, FYI: I am a Christian who stands by the "no sex until marriage" code in the Bible. First of all, while you may not "get why we think sex is so important", it's a biological imperative for starters. A big deal is made out of it because it needs to be had. We're the "only species" that does this because we're the only species that experiences sex in the way human beings do. Simply put, it's an act that can fundamentally alter ones brain chemistry, thoughts and feelings towards ones partner. It brings two people closer together as it is virtually the ultimate form of bonding. Meanwhile, a lack of it can also alter brain chemistry...with negative effects. The fact that you view it as merely "messy" and "gross" says a lot more about you than it does about the act itself. While it can get messy it most certainly isn't "gross" (to most people) and it feels GREAT. It's incredible in ways your brain can't even begin to imagine. Now as much as I'd like to believe you feel this way simply because you've never experienced it, it could very well have more to do with your sexual orientation (sex-repulsed Asexual seems like one possibility) than anything else. Kisses and cuddles just aren't going to cut it for most women. It just isn't enough. You would be stripping away a part of the relationship that is one of THE BEST ways to build and strengthen intimacy in a couple. You don't want a wife or a girlfriend, you want a best friend with benefits, only the "benefits" in this scenario are...I guess she gets to take care of your house and cuddle on the couch at the end of the day? You would be asking quite of lot of someone to want them to stick by your side for life as basically a roommate you sometimes makeout with.
Mirages Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 "sex... I just don't see the point if it's not for procreation. I hope this won't kill a relationship." You and I share points 1 to 3.5, but this last part quoted above, hmm. I feel that you may have boundaries to developing trust either due to social inhibition or a traumatic past. I share some of those issues with you, to a very slight degree. But to cause yourself to believe that being asexual is just the logical way to be, unless you are really sure that is you, is akin to stating that music is meaningless because spoken words are more efficient. I would try a couple of steps in self improvement just to work your confidence, i.e. exercise, and get some nice clothes. Without knowing any more than you write, I suspect some steps like that would benefit you. Having parents that are not right for each other likely contributed to your social distance perspective.
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