Certain_Uncertainty Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 (edited) Hello people. I'm in a world of hurt. I'm hoping you can help me out. After lurking for several weeks here, I know that reading paragraph after paragraph of prose is frowned upon. So, I will sum up in bullet form: 1. I'm 43; she's 31 2. We both work together; different departments, but we see each other throughout the day, fleetingly 3. She approached me in the beginning; I went with it 4. She's from Russia 5. We've been dating for 6 weeks 6. She likes her men strong and secure; I was doing pretty good until today 7. We text each other; rarely call 8. We see each other a few times a week She texted me last night that she had concert tickets for us to go to this Sunday. I was asleep when she texted. I responded this morning that I would love to go. No response from her all night. I send her another text 12 hours later simply saying I found the perfect gift for her friend's birthday; a neutral text. I wanted to ask her why she didn't text back all day, but refrained. Remember, Russian women like strong secure men. An hour after no response to my second text, I called her. She answered. She seemed a bit put-off/preoccupied. I asked her if everything was ok. She responded everything was. I asked her why she didn't text me back this morning or this evening. She said the first text didn't need a reply and she was cleaning her apartment when the second one arrived. I told her I called to make sure everything was ok since she usually texts me back in a timely manner. She said if I sent her a text asking about her day, she would respond. I told her I really missed her. She had no response. She said I should work better on my communication. She was pretty cold with her responses. She asked me about my day, but seemed disinterested. At this point, I was sorry I called. I bit the bullet again and told her I really missed her. Again, no response from her. At that point, I quickly said my goodbyes. I needed to get off the phone. I will see her at work tomorrow. I feel very weird right now. Awkward conversation left me feeling empty. For me, it changed the whole dynamic. I think I dropped a couple of pegs in her eyes. How do I right the wrong? Or did I come off too needy? Any help would be appreciated. Edited January 9, 2015 by Certain_Uncertainty
Danda Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 (edited) Mmmm gonna call passive-aggressive on this one. You didn't respond to her text right away and she assumed you were being passive-aggressive or playing games or some other horrible scenario, which turned out to be projection, as she then turned around and refused to respond to your texts to 'teach you a lesson'. She was STILL pissed when you broke down and called her and threw some barbs at you. That's what I'd put my money down on if I were a betting lass. "She said the first text didn't need a reply" (phew, that was a sharp one, no translation required, maybe "**** you" at best) "She said if I sent her a text asking about her day, she would respond." ("this is all your fault") "She said I should work better on my communication." ("this happened because something is wrong with you") That, plus me guessing that you've been communicating the same way and the only thing different about now is that you didn't text her back right away this one time, AND the fact that you felt the need to explain to us that you were sleeping (which indicates to me that in your gut you think this is why she got pissed, so you would have been moved to explain it to her, which is why you explained it to us - my theory anyway), all leads me to that conclusion. Of course I could be wrong, but that was my first thought by a long shot. Anyway, here is how a strong, secure person would handle this scenario: You don't initiate contact until she comes around and wants to make this **** up to you, because you have better things to do than get lectured and scolded like you're a little boy by some passive-aggressive *cough*. Edited January 9, 2015 by Danda 1
Author Certain_Uncertainty Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 Anyway, here is how a strong, secure person would handle this scenario: You don't initiate contact until she comes around and wants to make this **** up to you, because you have better things to do than get lectured and scolded like you're a little boy by some passive-aggressive *cough*. Danda, first off, thank you very much for the quick reply. Second, I'm not sure how she's going to make it up to me since she thinks she did no wrong. Your breakdown of each of her comments shed some much needed light. Thank you for the translations. I thought I was going El Pollo Loco. I will see her tomorrow towards the end of the afternoon. We will definitely cross paths. I usually get together with her Friday evenings after work. Do dinner, then back to her place. In my gut, I just don't want to ask her out this time, for fear of coming off too needy (in my eyes). Even worse, I am afraid it's just going to be a weird-ass conversation because I will still be stinging from our previous phone call. Should I take a stand and decline if she wants to make plans, or is that just being as passive-aggressive as she's been acting? Basically, I need my sack back. How shall I proceed?
katlover Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Too needy. The fact that you called her asking her why she didn't reply means you are insecure and clingy. Now she's going to feel bad every time she doesn't reply in a timely fashion. My advice is to never ask her why she didn't call/text back. You're just forcing it out of her. Also bad timing when you said you missed her. You should only say these things when the mood is right. And the fact that you said it twice... probably made her lose a little respect for you. Next time be more of a man. You say this girl is russian and needs a strong secure man.. You need to step up your game. 5
aggie382 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I disagree with Danda all the way. In my opinion, you came across needy. The first text didn't call for a reply, and she should be able to clean her apartment for an hour before having to respond to the second. Texts that don't call for a response don't necessarily get one. And calling an hour later because she hadn't responded yet screams that you need her to be on your leash. I'd hate that. 1
Author Certain_Uncertainty Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 Too needy. The fact that you called her asking her why she didn't reply means you are insecure and clingy. Now she's going to feel bad every time she doesn't reply in a timely fashion. My advice is to never ask her why she didn't call/text back. You're just forcing it out of her. Also bad timing when you said you missed her. You should only say these things when the mood is right. And the fact that you said it twice... probably made her lose a little respect for you. Next time be more of a man. You say this girl is russian and needs a strong secure man.. You need to step up your game. Damn... and here I was feeling kinda ok after Danda's response. Well, there's nothing I can do now. I fooked up twice it seems. My fear is that it's not too late to step things ups.
katlover Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Damn... and here I was feeling kinda ok after Danda's response. Well, there's nothing I can do now. I fooked up twice it seems. My fear is that it's not too late to step things ups. It's ok u still have sunday to make things work out right
Author Certain_Uncertainty Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 I disagree with Danda all the way. In my opinion, you came across needy. The first text didn't call for a reply, and she should be able to clean her apartment for an hour before having to respond to the second. Texts that don't call for a response don't necessarily get one. And calling an hour later because she hadn't responded yet screams that you need her to be on your leash. I'd hate that. Aggie, your response was even harsher. But steeped in absolute truth. Yes, I am needy. Yes, I am insecure. She's more than a decade younger than me and quite attractive. I tried to keep myself in check, but obviously failed. There's no coming back from this, is there?
katlover Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 What you should've done when she didn't reply to your second text, was to call her up and ask her something like "hey are we still going to the movies or no?" Make it seem like you could care less if you two were to go out or not. Just avoid asking her why she didn't reply etc. Good luck my man
Danda Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I disagree with Danda all the way. In my opinion, you came across needy. The first text didn't call for a reply, and she should be able to clean her apartment for an hour before having to respond to the second. Texts that don't call for a response don't necessarily get one. And calling an hour later because she hadn't responded yet screams that you need her to be on your leash. I'd hate that. Here's why I think she was being totes passive-aggressive: Everything was going peachy for 6 weeks. Her last communication to him was about the tickets, and he didn't respond because he was sleeping. Then she didn't respond to his texts, which according to the OP, was strange, because normally she responds relatively soon. Then when he gives her a call, she doesn't turn icy when she realizes he's worried. She's icy from the outset, which (and this is where I agree with you that OP did go into needy mode), triggers his anxiety and he launches into 20 questions. It's the sudden and drastic change in her behavior and attitude, and that the only thing that was different to cause the changes, was that he missed her text. I would bet dollars to doughnuts that she knew damn well he was going to be wondering why she wasn't texting him back and then pretty much let him have it in a cold manner when he finally called. Like she said his text didn't need a reply. So does she never reply to texts that are not questions? Yeah I doubt it, otherwise his insecurity would have pinged way earlier in the 6-week experience. I mean that would be like if a guy and I had been texting for weeks, I always texted him back within a relatively short time, even if just a couple words of acknowledgment. And then suddenly I don't respond to him at all for an entire day. So he calls me to make sure I'm okay and I tell him his texts didn't need a response. Lol like wtf. If I weren't already pissed at him then I'd just be like, "Yeah I'm okay, was just super busy," or whatever. Basically I could own it. But if I know that I didn't text him back because I was pissed, and if I am passive-aggressive, then the only way I don't come across as a nutjob (since I'm not about to admit that I deliberately ignored him all day because I was mad about something stupid) is to convince him that he's crazy.
doeblin Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Basically, I need my sack back. How shall I proceed? Next time you see her, just put on a cool/jovial facade, like you have no care in the world. Show no nerves. Like nothing happened. If she wants to make plans, cool, why not? Nonchalance. 1
Satu Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I would have been completely put off by the neediness, and wouldn't be willing to spend a lot of time reassuring another adult who lacks self-calming skills. Maybe I'm too harsh, but thats how I would see it.
bachdude Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 (edited) I have a slightly different theory from all of them, though I think Danda is right, she is passive aggressive. I think this response tells it all, "She said if I sent her a text asking about her day, she would respond...She said I should work better on my communication. She was pretty cold with her responses." I'm not convinced she is miffed you didn't respond right away - though she may be. I'm not convinced she is put off you are needy. I think she's miffed that you didn't show any concern about her...you texted about the concert and you mentioned something about her friend. She wanted you to ask her about her day! She has told you that. She said she would have responded to that! She already told you you need to work on your communication. She's laying it out there for you! And I don't think you did anything wrong to call her to ask if something is wrong. Why would that be needy? You sensed something was wrong and you were right! And I'm not terribly convinced she is turned off by you saying you missed her. Just an opinion! But for one reason or another she is hurt you didn't ask about her day. Did you forget something? Did she have a big presentation? Did her pet gerbil die? Did she tell you she was going somewhere important, doing something unique, seeing someone she hadn't seen in a while? Wrack your brain man! I think you may have forgotten something. If you didn't forget anything then she may have just wanted you to check in with her; how she is doing. No, I don't believe her for a second that everything is OK". How many times have I heard that line?? She's miffed. You already asked her, and she said everything was fine but then she said you need to work on your communication and was cold. Yeah, sure! Everything is fine! I wouldn't do this song and dance and act like nothing is wrong, a "Look at me, Mr tough guy who's not suppose to care about our relationship" stuff. It will just remind her of the macho crap she has to put up with from her native land. I'd ask her exactly what she meant when she said, "you should work better on your communication." Take the lead in the relationship and just ask her exactly what she meant. That is what you need to find out. And if you screwed up, admit it. Don't hound her for an answer. If she doesn't give a reply and continues her "read my mind" attitude, I'd just pull back some and let her come to you. That's my take! Edited January 9, 2015 by bachdude 1
RDawg Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 My opinion: dating a woman who is more than 10 years younger than you and comes from a different culture is always going to be tricky. It seems you might not really be her 'type' and this will come out eventually. Macho guys who aren't needy don't really seek advice on relationship forums. I don't think you were particularly needy in this instance but the fact that you're so shaken up by this is not a good sign for the future. Be careful of game playing and trying to act in ways that are not in accordance with your true nature. 1
Assada Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Hello people. I'm in a world of hurt. I'm hoping you can help me out. After lurking for several weeks here, I know that reading paragraph after paragraph of prose is frowned upon. So, I will sum up in bullet form: 1. I'm 43; she's 31 2. We both work together; different departments, but we see each other throughout the day, fleetingly 3. She approached me in the beginning; I went with it 4. She's from Russia 5. We've been dating for 6 weeks 6. She likes her men strong and secure; I was doing pretty good until today 7. We text each other; rarely call 8. We see each other a few times a week She texted me last night that she had concert tickets for us to go to this Sunday. I was asleep when she texted. I responded this morning that I would love to go. No response from her all night. I send her another text 12 hours later simply saying I found the perfect gift for her friend's birthday; a neutral text. I wanted to ask her why she didn't text back all day, but refrained. Remember, Russian women like strong secure men. An hour after no response to my second text, I called her. She answered. She seemed a bit put-off/preoccupied. I asked her if everything was ok. She responded everything was. I asked her why she didn't text me back this morning or this evening. She said the first text didn't need a reply and she was cleaning her apartment when the second one arrived. I told her I called to make sure everything was ok since she usually texts me back in a timely manner. She said if I sent her a text asking about her day, she would respond. I told her I really missed her. She had no response. She said I should work better on my communication. She was pretty cold with her responses. She asked me about my day, but seemed disinterested. At this point, I was sorry I called. I bit the bullet again and told her I really missed her. Again, no response from her. At that point, I quickly said my goodbyes. I needed to get off the phone. I will see her at work tomorrow. I feel very weird right now. Awkward conversation left me feeling empty. For me, it changed the whole dynamic. I think I dropped a couple of pegs in her eyes. How do I right the wrong? Or did I come off too needy? Any help would be appreciated. You texting and the calling isnt the needy bit. The needy bit is you telling her that you missed her after she talked to you like a dog. Youre acting like you owe this girl something. You owe her nothing. If she wants to talk to you, she can call you herself. + And she should apologize Move on and see other women 3
BluEyeL Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Next time you see her, just put on a cool/jovial facade, like you have no care in the world. Show no nerves. Like nothing happened. If she wants to make plans, cool, why not? Nonchalance. This is what you do. Pretend nothing happened and proceed as usual. Keep your Friday night schedule and control your emotions. No tragedy happened. A misunderstanding regarding texts. Shouldn't he a big deal, so don't make it a big deal.
LadyLuck2014 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I don't read your behavior as 'needy.' I read HER behavior as cold and disinterested.
Author Certain_Uncertainty Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 This is what you do. Pretend nothing happened and proceed as usual. Keep your Friday night schedule and control your emotions. No tragedy happened. A misunderstanding regarding texts. Shouldn't he a big deal, so don't make it a big deal. I'm going to do just that. Pretend like nothing happened. I'm making too big a deal about nothing. Let the sack reclaiming begin... 1
Author Certain_Uncertainty Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 I would have been completely put off by the neediness, and wouldn't be willing to spend a lot of time reassuring another adult who lacks self-calming skills. Maybe I'm too harsh, but thats how I would see it. So you're saying she's done and I am wasting my time?
Omei Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Imo a text always needs a response unless its a emote, to let the other person know that you acknowledge and received even if its just a "okay"
Jules Dash Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I am sorry but I think you blew it. These sort of scenarios are very delicate, especially in the beginning stages of dating. You could probably recover from this during the exclusive relationship stage but not now. I just can't even BS you on this one. The best you can do is like what was suggested above which is show indifference now but consider that you two have very likely have not established a bond strong enough to hold through this scenario.
BluEyeL Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 My boyfriend often didn't reply to some texts that I thought clearly needed an acknowledgement. It bothered me initially, but I realized that when two people get together, we'll have instances when one will not respond as expected and things like that should be let go, or the relationship will be filled with unnecessary drama. Letting things go and allowing the other person to be who they are is best. Of course, if your styles are so different that there is constant frustration, it will not work out, but minimizing drama and not taking things personally is always best. 1
Author Certain_Uncertainty Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 I am sorry but I think you blew it. These sort of scenarios are very delicate, especially in the beginning stages of dating. You could probably recover from this during the exclusive relationship stage. Jules, She approached me after week three to ask for exclusivity. I was in the tail end of a relationship and she knew about it. After week two, she asked me if I had broken things off with the other girl, and I told her I had. Which was the truth. I can recall one weekend where I didn't text her very much and she voiced her concern about me thinking about her since I didn't text that much. She even said she sometimes needed confirmation that I was with her and not the other. It seems like she can get all up in arms about scattered texts, but I come off like a needy, insecure freakbag if I show my own concerns.
elaine567 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 She texted me last night that she had concert tickets for us to go to this Sunday. I was asleep when she texted. I responded this morning that I would love to go. Does she have trust issues? You didn't respond overnight and she thought you were seeing/in bed with someone else maybe...???? - that could explain the coldness. Just a thought.
Author Certain_Uncertainty Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 Does she have trust issues? You didn't respond overnight and she thought you were seeing/in bed with someone else maybe...???? - that could explain the coldness. Just a thought. Elaine, After writing what I did to Jules, this might be true. I'm fighting an uphill battle.
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