Feelings for ex. Is there a way past this?

[DiscoDuckStu]

I am in my early 30’s, have been married for 7 years, we are happy but I have always felt like I want more.

 

In my previous relationship, we were together 6 years, she was far more adventurous, had a much greater sexual appetite, her drive to succeed was insatiable, she was the one for me. We never really split up, her parents moved overseas and she went with them. We tried the long distance thing but it didn’t work and we drifted apart only really catching up on facebook.

 

Now she has moved back into the area and she has made it perfectly clear that she wants me back. It’s worse because we work in a niche field and although we work for different companies we will see each other professionally quite a bit as our two companies are currently collaborating on some projects. She knows I am married and she will not do anything with me while I am still with my wife but has made it very clear that as soon as I leave she wants me.

 

She is all I have ever wanted and as bad as this sounds my wife was always my second choice but given we have been married 7 years and have 2 children I am worried this might be a “grass is always greener” situation. There is no guarantee my ex and I will still have what we once did but the sparks did fly when I first saw her again and I get that nervous tension when I know I’m going to be seeing her. My wife knows she’s back and that we are working together and she is not happy to say the least, she actually wants me to quit my job but that’s just not an option.

 

The trouble is if I commit to my wife I am not sure I will ever be able to stop thinking “what if”. I think if she came back and never said a word it would have been ok but knowing that she wants me and always has and always will makes it hard to ignore.

 

I have never and will never cheat on my wife and I’d like to deal with this situation and put it behind me but I am not sure of the best way to deal with these emotions. There is no way that if I sat my wife down and tried to discuss this that it will end well so I am going to have to deal with it alone.

 

I’m sure others have been in this type of situation so any advice on the best way to deal with it would be a great help.

[Poppyolive]

Just some things to open up your thinking. ........

If your wife was/is second choice, why on earth did you commit to her, marry her & have kids with her? And not try to get your ex back?

 

Why, did your ex leave it this long to get in touch and make it known she wants you?

 

For your ex it may very well be a case of, what you can't have, you want.

 

You are in a bit of a kerfuffle!

 

Here's what I think, this ex, wanting you, needing you is all looking pretty exciting, new, ego boosting and has brought up some feels. I'm glad you will not cheat. If you decide to swing back to the ex. Leave your wife, to find someone who wants her as his first and only choice. Or, tell your ex, absolutely no way and focus only on your commitments and working through lustful feels for your ex.

 

But that's me, I'm pretty cut and dry when it comes to decision making. Especially when commitments, vows, promises are in place. I'm also all for living a life true to yourself. If you feel you will regret this, always what if yourself, then make your move. But for goodness sake, don't torment your wee soul with this heaviness. Seek private counselling.

 

Here's a good place for you. It will give you lots to think about.

[bathtub-row]

It's really too bad that you ended up with someone that you consider a second choice. I'm sure your wife knows it in her heart, too, which is why she's insecure about the return of your past gf.

 

I don't really know what to tell you. I think the best way to handle something like this is to separate the issues. In other words, separate this past flame from your marriage and view the two things separately. First, consider the state of your marriage. I went through something similar when I was married to my son's dad. But, the truth is, if my husband had not been controlling and suffocating, I would've ignored my attraction to the other guy and would've stayed in my marriage. I guess what I'm saying is that my atttaction to the other guy was a sort of wake up call for me, but I didn't leave my husband thinking that I was doing it to be with the other guy. I left because my marriage was killing me emotionally. I would've wilted away staying with him.

 

You have to ask yourself how your marriage makes you feel. Would it be worth leaving if you didn't end up with the ex? Those are the key things. You can't base your decision solely on your unrequited feelings for someone else. If your marriage has staying power and if it's worth salvaging, then stay. If it doesn't, then you may want to consider leaving. Whatever you do, don't cheat on your wife. No amount of attraction is worth going down that path.

[whichwayisup]

Divorce your wife. She needs a husband who is going to love and adore her and ONLY her, not be runner up or second fiddle. She deserves to be put first.

 

Fact is, even if you don't cheat on your wife with your ex, already your ex is in your mind much more often than she used to be because she's back and working in the same field as you and that IS affecting what you feel for your wife.

[Newlywed80]

In my previous relationship, we were together 6 years, she was far more adventurous, had a much greater sexual appetite, her drive to succeed was insatiable, she was the one for me.

 

She is all I have ever wanted and as bad as this sounds my wife was always my second choice but given we have been married 7 years and have 2 children I am worried this might be a “grass is always greener” situation. There is no guarantee my ex and I will still have what we once did but the sparks did fly when I first saw her again and I get that nervous tension when I know I’m going to be seeing her. My wife knows she’s back and that we are working together and she is not happy to say the least, she actually wants me to quit my job but that’s just not an option.

 

The trouble is if I commit to my wife I am not sure I will ever be able to stop thinking “what if”. I think if she came back and never said a word it would have been ok but knowing that she wants me and always has and always will makes it hard to ignore.

 

How long has your ex been back in town, weeks, months? The reason I ask is that I would probably give it some time to weigh your feelings, especially if this is a recent development. You say that you're in your early thirties, and have been married for 7 years with 2 kids, and prior to that you dated your ex for 6 years? It sounds like you were never really single, and perhaps married your wife (sadly), while you were on the rebound. The sad part is, if you had perhaps rode it out and stayed single or just dated, you could have been with your ex much more easily now and perhaps started a new life with her...

 

It seems like your ex has qualities, that you've pointed out, that you'd like to see in your wife. Does your wife work, have any career ambitions, or stay at home? Perhaps she doesn't have the time or energy to be adventurous because she's weighed down with two children. I'm not trying to be critical, I'm just trying to get you to think of these things. Of course, dating in your twenties, when you're relatively stress free, is much more fun and adventurous than being with someone in your thirties and forties when you have the responsibilities of careers, homes, children, aging parents, etc. If your ex is living the fun and adventurous life which you love, it could be because she's single and has no children. The grass can definitely be greener on the other side, and you never know how your ex may turn out as a partner once you add in the inevitable responsibilities that come with married life.

[DiscoDuckStu]

Just some things to open up your thinking. ........

If your wife was/is second choice, why on earth did you commit to her, marry her & have kids with her? And not try to get your ex back?

 

Why, did your ex leave it this long to get in touch and make it known she wants you?

 

For your ex it may very well be a case of, what you can't have, you want.

 

You are in a bit of a kerfuffle!

 

Here's what I think, this ex, wanting you, needing you is all looking pretty exciting, new, ego boosting and has brought up some feels. I'm glad you will not cheat. If you decide to swing back to the ex. Leave your wife, to find someone who wants her as his first and only choice. Or, tell your ex, absolutely no way and focus only on your commitments and working through lustful feels for your ex.

 

But that's me, I'm pretty cut and dry when it comes to decision making. Especially when commitments, vows, promises are in place. I'm also all for living a life true to yourself. If you feel you will regret this, always what if yourself, then make your move. But for goodness sake, don't torment your wee soul with this heaviness. Seek private counselling.

 

Here's a good place for you. It will give you lots to think about.

 

 

Thanks Poppy

 

I'll try an answer as honestly as possible but the truth is I really don't know myself in a lot of this.

 

I suppose saying my wife was second choice is a harsh use of words. I look at it like this, say you broke up with an ex you desperately loved, eventually you would move on and find someone new and they would be your new number 1. Well my wife was/is my new number 1 but I guess as there was no break-up with my ex now that she is back I find I still hold strong feelings. When I asked my wife to marry and had kids I was completely devoted to her. That doesn't make sense does it?

 

My ex and I have only been in contact over Facebook for a number of years and while we occasionally have a private conversation I don't think either of us dared to believe that we would ever be able to rekindle, from my point of view it never even entered my mind. If anything we thought we would only see each other when visiting. I cannot answer why I didn't move to her or vice-versa when I was younger and single, family ties maybe?

 

I don't want to leave my wife and go to my ex. As stupid as it sounds I still desperately want my wife but I just cannot stop the feeling for my ex. I don't know whether it's love or lust but I do know it's real and I don't know how to stop it.

 

I have organised counseling but have not been to a session yet. I stumbled upon this site while looking for the counselor.

[DiscoDuckStu]

How long has your ex been back in town

 

My ex has been back about 6 months but we have been working together for about the last 3.

 

It seems like your ex has qualities, that you've pointed out, that you'd like to see in your wife. Does your wife work, have any career ambitions, or stay at home?

 

My wife is a committed stay at home mum. Before the kids she worked but only in dead end jobs, there was no career.

 

Of course, dating in your twenties, when you're relatively stress free, is much more fun and adventurous than being with someone in your thirties and forties when you have the responsibilities of careers, homes, children, aging parents, etc. If your ex is living the fun and adventurous life which you love, it could be because she's single and has no children. The grass can definitely be greener on the other side, and you never know how your ex may turn out as a partner once you add in the inevitable responsibilities that come with married life.

 

This is what I am afraid of. The ex I knew and the ex I see today are the same but I don't know who she will be when and if we married. I know my wife (obviously) and I would love nothing more than to focus back on to her but I can't change my work situation and so have to deal with the feelings.

 

I honestly wish my ex never turned back up but she did and I can't control that. At the moment I can't control my feelings either but I do want to be able to so I can focus back where my focus should be.

[DiscoDuckStu]

Divorce your wife. She needs a husband who is going to love and adore her and ONLY her, not be runner up or second fiddle. She deserves to be put first.

 

You are right, she does deserve more than what I am giving at the moment. I would like to change that. Suggesting divorce before trying to change is no help at all.

 

Fact is, even if you don't cheat on your wife with your ex, already your ex is in your mind much more often than she used to be because she's back and working in the same field as you and that IS affecting what you feel for your wife.

 

Again true. I am not proud about what I feel. I want to change. I don't know how. I am working on it.

[Poppyolive]

I'm interested d to know how your conversations with your ex are going? You said she wants you, you two have gotten close, right, I mean in order to have these cinversatiins, something was sparked? Why is she working with you? Can you not change that? I mean, if you want to ride out the feels, removing yourself from situations where feels fly about, would be a good step.

 

I'm not entirely convinced you want your wife 100%. I feel for you and your wife. I wish your ex could just leave you be. Sometimes in difficult situations writing helps me.

 

Does your wife know, you remained in contact with your ex?

[Satu]

You don't deserve either of them.

[DiscoDuckStu]

I'm interested d to know how your conversations with your ex are going? You said she wants you, you two have gotten close, right, I mean in order to have these cinversatiins, something was sparked? Why is she working with you? Can you not change that? I mean, if you want to ride out the feels, removing yourself from situations where feels fly about, would be a good step.

 

I'm not entirely convinced you want your wife 100%. I feel for you and your wife. I wish your ex could just leave you be. Sometimes in difficult situations writing helps me.

 

Does your wife know, you remained in contact with your ex?

 

I work in a highly technical niche field within my company, simply put there is no one else within the company capable to replace me. I am not trying to big note myself here, I am no high-flying executive, I just have knowledge and skills unique within my company. My ex has the same skills and was poached by the other company hence why she is back, they have 3 people in their team but my ex is the lead. Besides quitting my job there is no way avoiding my ex at work. If I had the choice I would remove myself, quitting is not a realistic choice.

 

I'm not entirely convinced what I want. I know I don't want to hurt my wife and I certainly don't want to hurt my kids. I should be strong enough to just say no to my ex, I know that, but I am struggling, that is why I am seeking advice. As much as I would like it I don't have a switch where I can turn my feelings off.

 

My wife knows we were friends on facebook, they are actually friends on facebook as well. She never had a issue with it but that's a far cry from her being back in town and even further from working side by side. I certainly understand my wifes uneasiness with the situation.

[sandylee1]

I've just read a similar story on another site. The husband left after 17 years and two kids. The wife is devastated.

 

Same story of she was my one true love and I've always loved her. It's just so cruel. Imagine how you'd feel if she said you were her second choice.

 

If you were so in love you would have made it through, it's not like she was on another planet. I actually find your X to be very selfish in trying to break up your marriage.

That said I would not want to be a 'second choice' and I would rather my H left me if that's truly how he felt.

 

So the fact is you never truly loved your W? Do you know how hurtful that would be for your children to hear? Just someone to go through the motions with and bear your children.

I'd say tell the X your happily married, but it doesn't sound like you are. Your W will be so blindsided by this, unless you were having problems already.

 

Why didn't you stay single or go and live where she was?

 

I'm not sure if you have a daughter, but how would you feel about a man who did this to her in years to come. Or to your sister or female cousin. Someone you loved dearly?

If you can look yourself in the mirror if you leave your W and be proud of who you are and your actions towards your W and children with no second thoughts. ..............then go ahead and do it.

 

I usually don't like coming over as harsh, but it's bordering on fraud to commit to a marriage when you didn't have true love for her. You withheld information and she agreed to marry you without knowing the whole truth. How selfish to marry when you held a torch for someone else, because no one would get married with the knowledge that they were second choice. That's just plain cruel.

 

 

 

Think about it

[DiscoDuckStu]

I usually don't like coming over as harsh, but it's bordering on fraud to commit to a marriage when you didn't have true love for her. You withheld information and she agreed to marry you without knowing the whole truth. How selfish to marry when you held a torch for someone else, because no one would get married with the knowledge that they were second choice. That's just plain cruel.

 

I committed to the marriage because I did and do love my wife. I never withheld information, she knew of my ex and the reasons we split. When we were just dating she knew that I was only single because my ex left town. What I didn't envisage and I am guessing she is the same is that my feelings didn't actually fade away but were just repressed. Now they have been woken and it's a problem.

 

Why didn't you stay single or go and live where she was?

 

That's the million dollar question. I don't have an answer. I thought I was over her, I moved on, I got married, it wasn't an act. I now realise I wasn't over her but I can't go back and change things so I just have to fix things as best I can.

 

I'd say tell the X your happily married, but it doesn't sound like you are. Your W will be so blindsided by this, unless you were having problems already.

 

Our marriage isn't perfect but I was very happy, I never looked elsewhere, I was happy to come home. Fate has just landed this in my lap, it's something I have to deal with, I didn't want it to happen.

[sandylee1]

I committed to the marriage because I did and do love my wife. I never withheld information, she knew of my ex and the reasons we split. When we were just dating she knew that I was only single because my ex left town. What I didn't envisage and I am guessing she is the same is that my feelings didn't actually fade away but were just repressed. Now they have been woken and it's a problem.

 

 

 

That's the million dollar question. I don't have an answer. I thought I was over her, I moved on, I got married, it wasn't an act. I now realise I wasn't over her but I can't go back and change things so I just have to fix things as best I can.

 

 

 

Our marriage isn't perfect but I was very happy, I never looked elsewhere, I was happy to come home. Fate has just landed this in my lap, it's something I have to deal with, I didn't want it to happen.

 

OP - I'll start by saying nothing I write is intended to be rude or hurtful to you. I know what it's like to love someone and have the relationship end when you didn't want it to. Very painful.

 

I question how you could be very happy, and yet be thinking about leaving your W and family. I'm sure this is turmoil for you, so counselling is a good idea.

 

Just because your W knew you only split because she left, doesn't mean she knew you still loved the X. What I mean is that even if my now H told me he loved me before we got married, but still loved his X, I would not have married him.

 

 

I don't love any of my Xs now, but if I happened somehow to be in a similar situation as you, I would have only the very necessary contact with them which would only be business like, I'd tell them I loved my spouse and to respect my marriage/family. Defriend them on fb and remove any temptation.

 

 

In spite of everything I've said, I WOULD NOT want my H to stay with me if his heart was really with another woman. No matter how much I loved him, if he said he loved someone else, I would tell him to leave.

 

 

So you can try the above and see how you feel after a couple of months. If your desire for your X is still so strong, then reassess things.

 

You and your wife are still young. She obviously never had your heart, so why prolong the agony. She will be devastated, as will family members, but your love for her isn't strong enough.

 

Be prepared that if you leave and things don't work out with the X, you could end up without either woman. That said, there are plenty more fish in the sea, but think carefully before you have any more kids with another woman, because you are only going to shatter more lifes if you do.

[Poppygoodwill]

Maybe you have to treat this situation like someone who manages an addiction.

 

You want to touch this other woman but you shouldn't. As if an alcoholic wanted to take a drink, but shouldn't in order to keep their life on track and stable.

 

So day after day you just don't touch her. It's as simple as that. You have the feelings, you let them float out of your mind, you do your job, you go home and play with your kids and sleep with your wife and eventually, the feelings will pass. You will move past it.

 

There's no other option really, if you want to maintain your marriage.

 

If I were you I would also tell this woman to leave you alone, if you haven't already. She's showing terrible ethics to be hitting on you, a married man. I'm sorry to say, but if she were a better person, she would respect your marriage and keep a great, professional distance from you. Instead of tempting you away from your wife.

 

You ahve a lot to lose, and potentially nothing more than a trip down memory lane to gain.

[bathtub-row]

I'll just say this. Your marriage sounds very good and you seem to love your wife. This is not a marriage you should leave. There is too much at stake and your wife doesn't mistreat you. You made your choice, my friend, and you should live up to your promise. I'm all for divorce when a relationship is bad but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

 

Really, you don't know your ex anymore. I know you think you do but people change a lot over the years. I have to say that I don't think much of her for making an offer to you. Your relationship ended, whether it was a break up or not. It was over. If you had been all that fixed on her, you would have waited for her in some way. I think you need to get your feelings under control and realize that ending your marriage for this person could be a huge mistake. Maybe realizing that would wake you up a little. Whatever you do, you need to snap out of it.

[whichwayisup]

You are right, she does deserve more than what I am giving at the moment. I would like to change that. Suggesting divorce before trying to change is no help at all.

 

 

 

Again true. I am not proud about what I feel. I want to change. I don't know how. I am working on it.

 

You set up strong boundaries with your ex and do not cross any lines unprofessionally. You don't keep in touch anymore (no more facebook chats, in fact delete her) off work hours, only deal with her when you have to work with her. That's how you get over her, and don't allow yourself to think, reminisce about her or talk about your feelings or her feelings, no what if's etc... ALL that is in the past, you're married and the only woman you should be focusing on is your wife.

 

Hopefully your ex respects you enough to not pursue you, flirt with you or try to get close you..But, if she does try anything you must shut it down immediately and decide that your wife is number one despite what old feelings are telling you or your body parts. Being a man who lives up to your marriage vows and being a family man means not letting past feelings or ex's ruin or get in the way of what you have now.

[whichwayisup]

You really have to remember your wife, her feelings and her insecurities right now over your own ego. She is worried the more time you're around your ex, feelings will develop and get stronger and in time you might want to leave and divorce her to be with your ex. Trust me, your wife HATES feeling jealous and HATES feeling insecure, she loves you and doesn't want to lose you but she knows this is totally out of her hands and depending on how you handle this, how your ex reacts - anything can happen. She fears the more time you are with your ex, you'll develop a friendship and get close. So I am telling you, CUT that off now, don't even think that you and the ex can be friendly and be friends. It'll cause issues in your marriage and interfere with what you feel towards your wife. Keep your distance from your ex emotionally, be strong and keep it professional.

 

 

What type of woman is your ex? Is she one to respect your vows? Since she and your wife are facebook friends, would your ex play a game and use it to her advantage to get closer to you? Is your ex a kind and genuine person or is capable of being bitchy and mean/cruel? Some women do not care and will do anything and everything to woo a man away from his wife and family.

[DiscoDuckStu]

I'll just say this. Your marriage sounds very good and you seem to love your wife. This is not a marriage you should leave. There is too much at stake and your wife doesn't mistreat you. You made your choice, my friend, and you should live up to your promise. I'm all for divorce when a relationship is bad but that doesn't seem to be the case here.

 

I certainly do love my wife, the problem is I am not sure I ever stopped loving my ex. I know how terrible that sounds, just hearing it my head while I type it disgusts me, but it is the truth and I have to face up to it somehow.

 

I have to say that I don't think much of her for making an offer to you.

 

The offer was that along the lines of I still want you but you're married, if you ever happen to be single I'd love to give to another go. She never actually suggested I leave my wife and nothing will happen while I am still with her but to me that was a huge nudge nudge wink wink moment, just putting the idea in my head if you will.

 

I think you need to get your feelings under control and realize that ending your marriage for this person could be a huge mistake. Maybe realizing that would wake you up a little. Whatever you do, you need to snap out of it.

 

Oh I know that. I don't sit around and look up old photos of her or read old messages and reminisce. We have not socialized since she has been back besides one dinner which my wife and many other friends was also at. At work I deal with her daily via email, we have to drop things at each others office maybe twice a week. I always drop it with her secretary and have asked her to do the same with mine although she always has a reason that she must see me. The problem is we have a lunch "date" once a week and in a few months time that will include senior management and the finance people but at the moment it is just the two of us. I have asked my manager to attend but he can't see any reason to. I have thought about telling him what is happening but I am not sure it's for the best. He's the sort of guy that would probably tell me to go for it and he'll cover my tracks if my wife rings.

 

I think I just have to hope time helps the feelings subside.

[DiscoDuckStu]

Hopefully your ex respects you enough to not pursue you, flirt with you or try to get close you.

 

I don't think will pursue me. She has never mentioned she wants to be with me a second time for example. But she puts her arms around me or gives me a hug when we solve some complex problem, but she does that to all the members of the team, it's just with me I feel like she's flirting. Maybe it is just me and not her at all.

 

Being a man who lives up to your marriage vows and being a family man means not letting past feelings or ex's ruin or get in the way of what you have now.

 

I want to be that man. I sounds so easy when it is written but it's not as easy as one might think to just say "no, she's off limits" and then click your fingers and stop thinking about her and stop the feelings.

[bathtub-row]

The problem is, the feelings aren't going to go away unless cold water is thrown on them. Meaning, the cold water would be the result of losing your marriage, etc. If that doesn't do it for you, then you should consider leaving your marriage because it doesn't hold enough value for you. Otherwise, you're going to end up cheating on your wife.

[Mal78]

I am gathering that since your ex's return your "repressed feelings" have awoken and being that you see her frequently it is hard to keep them from surfacing. I get this.

 

I imagine many of us would feel the same way in the same predicament. She may have been your first "love" but your wife is your first "true" love. You are only confused by the two because you are faced with having to see your ex. You are only faced with this delema because of your prior fb communications. That was/is your malfunction, you are in a EA with your EX. If you can't (for whatever reason) not respect your wife's boundaries to not work with your EX (and clearly she sees her as a threat) then at least stop all other communication that isn't work related. I gathered from what you said (I could of misinterpreted it) that you two are on separate teams so you aren't really working directly with her. DO NOT go for coffee/lunch or any situations where you might be alone because this very fixable situation could quickly turn into something MUCH worse.

 

By you mentioning your EX wanting to be with you and will once you are D does not shine a better light on her (perhaps how you may have intended). She wants what she can't have and knowing you are married with children she is still encouraging a potential relationship by "getting rid of the wife before I give you that amazing sex you remembered". She isn't being thoughtful at all. She is a b*tch (in my opinion)

 

Does she have any idea what that would look like? Kids, bills, scheduling, a tormented EX wife... a bevy of responsabilities? She may sound all peachy keen on the idea but once it comes down to it and she realizes the reality it could possibly be totally different and then you will really see the change in the women you once knew.

 

When she moved far away you didn't choose to go to her because the longing was so great you could last another moment. You met your wife! She at the time (and in my opinion now) is who you wanted and needed.

[krooton25]

Thanks Poppy

 

I'll try an answer as honestly as possible but the truth is I really don't know myself in a lot of this.

 

I suppose saying my wife was second choice is a harsh use of words. I look at it like this, say you broke up with an ex you desperately loved, eventually you would move on and find someone new and they would be your new number 1. Well my wife was/is my new number 1 but I guess as there was no break-up with my ex now that she is back I find I still hold strong feelings. When I asked my wife to marry and had kids I was completely devoted to her. That doesn't make sense does it?

 

My ex and I have only been in contact over Facebook for a number of years and while we occasionally have a private conversation I don't think either of us dared to believe that we would ever be able to rekindle, from my point of view it never even entered my mind. If anything we thought we would only see each other when visiting. I cannot answer why I didn't move to her or vice-versa when I was younger and single, family ties maybe?

 

I don't want to leave my wife and go to my ex. As stupid as it sounds I still desperately want my wife but I just cannot stop the feeling for my ex. I don't know whether it's love or lust but I do know it's real and I don't know how to stop it.

 

I have organised counseling but have not been to a session yet. I stumbled upon this site while looking for the counselor.

 

If you just got married and your ex came back, would you still feel the same? I am guessing that your married life is pretty boring. Your kids are growing up and you lack the passion and excitement already. This is what happens when you get married and you didn't burn all the bridges yet. Time will come it will haunt you but it's too late to even act on it.

 

You've got kids, man. Don't leave them for an old fling...you might still love your ex BUT you committed yourself already to someone else. If you didn't want her, then why did you ask her to marry you? You should've talked to your ex before you got married and told her you still want her! You wanted your wife. At that point of time, you wanted your wife NOT your ex. Now that the passion has died down, you think that your ex is better. C'mon. This is what guys in broken marriages do.

 

If you marriage was abusive and not going anywhere, then yes I would suggest you to leave your wife and go to the ex. But as i can see it, there are NO problems in your marriage. It's just that it's not as exciting as before.

 

Just live with it. In time your ex will find somebody else to marry. There was something wrong in your relationship before thats why you guys ended on different paths. Cut all contact with her and tell her to move on. You have no reason to leave your wife and two kids, be a MAN.

Edited January 12, 2015 by krooton25

[DiscoDuckStu]

This is a question mainly for the women but still interested in all the replies.

 

I simply cannot quit my job if we want to keep our house and lifestyle, it is that simple.

 

My wife has already mentioned that she wants me to quit but she has also mentioned previously that she doesn't want to ever return to work.

 

If you were my wife how would you react if I came to you and said I want us to be together, you're the one I love, I want to get away from my ex even though nothing has and nothing will ever happen, so I am thinking of quitting my job BUT if I am to do this you MUST go back to work or we can't survive.

 

It sounds like I am putting the ball in her court and making it her problem which is not my intention but the plain and simple fact is that is what must happen.

 

Just so everyone understands for the field I work in there are only two companies withing a 3 hour drive, mine and the one where my ex works so there is no option of finding the same job elsewhere. We could move but even starting out at the bottom rung would mean a hefty pay cut still requiring my wife to work and then we have all the upheaval of new schools for the kids etc.

 

I feel confident that with some counseling and some time I can deal with this issue and it will subside but I am not sure my wife will ever get comfortable with me working with my ex. The only realistic option is for her to work, is it wrong to put that on her?

[krooton25]

DiscoDuckStu,

 

I was in the same situation just recently but i was the "ex girlfriend" and my ex bf married another woman. He married her within five or 6 months after we broke up, a month before his wedding he sent me a message to meet up. He told me he still loved me, etc. But he didn't cancel the wedding, he said it was because he couldn't tell his fiancée the truth and that everything is already set, it's going to be a disaster had he cancelled (i don't buy this!). But i doubt that, my ex loves the new woman too, be her a rebound or not, I don't know, but he loves her thats why he chose to marry her. I am pretty sure I still come across his mind since we spent most of the time together before he left for another country to get married and he even gave me a present before that. They are in a long distance relationship. Now that he is back, we live in a pretty small city. We have common friends and have so many mutual fb friends. His now wife is still insecure and jealous of me... (He cheated on me by the way thats why we broke up)

But after he got married, I GOT no plans of seeing or talking to him still. I made it clear to him that if he gets married, we cannot be friends anymore. I would assume that he wants her NOT me. I know that we still have some unfinished business which might backfire later on in our lives, but in my mind, he already made choice and that is his wife.

 

I think that you too chose your wife over your ex in the past! You are just going through a phase where you are needing some ego boost or attention (which you are finding in the EX), I am pretty sure your family and child matter more to you.

 

You should talk to your wife. Do not tell her you still got feelings for your ex but assure her that no matter what, you will stick it out with her. She will feel secured and not be jealous anymore. Allow her to TRUST you.

 

Don't quit your job but do not initiate anymore personal conversation with the ex. Show her you are uninterested (even if you are still) and she will stay away from you!

 

Instead, reignite the spark with your wife. Focus on her...and tell yourself that you are choosing her because she's the one that you promised vows too. You weren't drunk when you did that, so you wanted it. :roll eyes: