Ordinaryday Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I am aware that this is incredibly subjective as what one person feels is appropriate another person will see as a huge no-no, but what is YOUR dumping/calling it off etiquette?? Based on my experiences this is what I have generally observed, which is obviously not set in stone: 1 - 2 dates: if you have only been out once of twice and you dont feel that the person is a match it is okay to just 'ignore until they get the hint'. dont respond to their texts, emails, calls, whatever, until they 'get the hint' that you are not interested and have no desire to pursue a relationship with them. I thought the 'ignore until they get the hint' approach was incredibly rude when it was done to me, but a few women I spoke to said it is okay up to 2 dates cos you dont owe the person anything and it is 'nicer' to just ignore them than to message them telling them you are not interested. 3 - 5 dates: if you have not yet had sex and been out on about 3 - 5 dates then a brief text saying 'sorry I dont feel we have a romantic future ahead of us. good luck with everything' is apparently okay to terminate a potential relationship. it is short, to the point and conveys everything. at this early stage you are not yet at the point where you 'owe' it to them to meet them face to face and discuss why you dont want to see them any longer. 6 - 8 dates: a short phone call speaking to them explaining that you dont see a romantic future ahead but you wish them all the best with the future. anything longer: tell them ahead of time that you 'need to talk' to them and then ask them if they would like to meet up. if they ask what it is about tell them you dont see a future with them and are fine to meet up with them in person to discuss it. do it in person once, and then sever all ties between you. Based on my experiences being dumped, this is a very vague guide that some people follow on breaking up/calling it off etiquette. what's yours?? I have seen a lot of people say 'always do it in person' which I agree is right if you have seen each other for ages, but what if you have just been out on one or two dates??? an in person meet up seems excessive! is it okay to just 'ignore until they get the hint'? a text message telling them essentially 'thanks but no thanks'? what say you?
newlyborn Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 unless it is a one night stand or a very brief fling, i think that breakups of sexual relationships should happen in person. i don't think anyone who has taken the time to go on a date with someone should be ignored when a text to say "no thank you" requires nothings but a few presses of a single finger. rejection is hard enough. no need to take one's dignity when leaving them behind. 2
Author Ordinaryday Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 unless it is a one night stand or a very brief fling, i think that breakups of sexual relationships should happen in person. i don't think anyone who has taken the time to go on a date with someone should be ignored when a text to say "no thank you" requires nothings but a few presses of a single finger. rejection is hard enough. no need to take one's dignity when leaving them behind. I completely agree! I once went out with a woman on two dates which I thought went incredibly well, at the end of the second date she said she wanted to see me again. I sent her a text message that week to arrange another date and never heard from her again. I know she didnt lose my number cos she also had my email address so she could have contacted me if she wanted to. I know she didnt get hit by a car and die cos I saw her walking in the street a few months later. so she just chose to ignore me. I thought this was incredibly rude but I asked a friend and he said it was standard dating etiquette for two dates or less.
Million.to.1 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 (edited) Personally, i don't think it is something that can be measured in terms of how many dates you went on. It's got to be on a case by case basis. I don't think anyone should just be ignored till they get the hint. It's rude and leaves them wondering for days.. which isn't nice if you have experienced it. Easier to send a nicely written txt or message Something like : "it was lovely to meet you and go for coffee.. I had a lot of fun....but I don't think we are really that well suited romantically. All the best though! " I think the above would be appropriate for anyone you have been on 1-3 dates if no kissing/ intimacy / sex was involved. But once you have established there is attraction by being physical, it needs to be on a case by case basis depending on many different factors..how much you have been in contact, if you had sex, if you have mutual friends, whatever. But as a rule, in person would be best. If it's still in early stages, then a phone call could be ok too. It all depends on what you say, how you say it. If you are genuine and kind, then whatever you feel comfortable doing should be fine. It's never easy to reject someone.. but if you are mindful and consider how you would like to be treated if it was reversed then the news shouldn't leave anyone feeling too hurt. Edited January 9, 2015 by Million.to.1 3
Author Ordinaryday Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 Personally, i don't think it is something that can be measured in terms of how many dates you went on. It's got to be on a case by case basis. I don't think anyone should just be ignored till they get the hint. It's rude and leaves them wondering for days.. which isn't nice if you have experienced it. Easier to send a nicely written txt or message Something like : "it was lovely to meet you and go for coffee.. I had a lot of fun....but I don't think we are really that well suited romantically. All the best though! " I think the above would be appropriate for anyone you have been on 1-3 dates if no kissing/ intimacy / sex was involved. But once you have established there is attraction by being physical, it needs to be on a case by case basis depending on many different factors..how much you have been in contact, if you had sex, if you have mutual friends, whatever. But as a rule, in person would be best, but if it's still in early stages, then a phone call could be ok too. It all depends on what you say, how you say it. If you are genuine and kind, then whatever you feel comfortable doing should be fine. It's never easy to reject someone.. but if you are mindful and consider how you would like to be treated if it was reversed then the news shouldn't leave anyone feeling too hurt. I agree as well, which leads me to the question: since it is so easy for everyone to be polite and send a brief text message saying "thanks, I had fun on our date, but I dont think we are romantically suited. all the best :)" why on earth do so many people choose not to do this and just to ignore the person?? if the person was in some way rude or creepy or offensive on the date I can understand ignoring them. but if they seemed nice and sweet but you werent romantically into them why just ignore them? it happens a lot, which is why I listed it. I can understand if you send them the "thanks, I had fun on our date, but I dont think we are romantically suited. all the best :)" text message and they keep hassling you that you would then ignore them, thats justified. but to just ignore them from moment one even though they were nice and sweet.... why do people do it??? to this day I dont know whether that girl who ignored me, but told me on the date she wanted to see me again, I still dont know whether she was lying when she said it or if she DID want to see me again when she said it but changed her mind later. still dont know!
newlyborn Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 yeah, i don't know why people don't do it. but i don't know what dating etiquette is per se. i just follow what i understand to be polite social conventions -- like saying excuse me if i step on someone's toe or extending my hand for a handshake when introduced. so, it seems appropriate and very easy to send a text to call it off with someone who has taken me out, spent money, spent time. in your case, OP, i really think this woman was likely multi-dating. i am sure she liked you and meant it when she mentioned the third date. but someone she really clicked with may have suggested getting more serious, and she went with that. the other thing that happens is that people may intend to call or text to explain but then take so long to get around to it that they figure "why bother?" once the other person is no longer reaching out, it's clear that they know it's done. so why say something at that point? 2
Million.to.1 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I don't think you should focus on why people do things like that. They probably just feel awkward and don't know what to say, and it's just so easy ignore. It's selfish behaviour really. that woman was rude to you... but don't let it get you down. Remember how it felt and make a conscious choice not to do that to anyone else. Focus instead on doing what you think is the right thing to do, and do that. For the record though, it's common to say "yes" to a second date while on the first one if you are put on the spot and aren't sure about how you feel. Don't take as a sign of real interest, it could just be someone being polite in the moment and wanting to enjoy the rest of the date with a positive attitude. Would be pretty weird if at the end of the date you said.. so should we go see that movie i mentioned earlier?" and she said "no, i don't really want to go out again". Awkward! Easier for her to say "sure, that would be nice"... and then back out later.
TabbyHearts Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 this is a subject that is close to my heart because I am so adamantly against the 'ignore', 'fade', 'ghost' whatever vanishing act that the vast majority of the guys I have dated recently employ. I think, especially in regards to online dating, one meet up that was perfunctory and ends with a "thanks for the chat, take care" does not need a follow up. After all in the online world, the first "date" isn't really a date in my eyes. You don't know yet if you'd like to date that person till you meet in the flesh. However, if you do meet up and the date has a romantic vibe to it and, more importantly, romantic thoughts or gestures are shared and even plans for the future, pulling the vanishing act is the height of rudeness. Especially if you go on further dates. By romantic vibe I mean - kisses, making out, holding hands, planning a second date, talking about things to do in the future, basically making ANY indication that you have an interest in the person. This is called leading someone on. I would much rather get a text and be disappointed than to spend a few days to a week waiting to hear from a guy before realizing I was a fool to believe his words/gestures. If I could start a campaign to encourage more politeness out of men in regards to the vanishing act, I would. It p***es me off that much. All you can do is hope that karma does exist! 1
Ieris Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Sadly, no response is a response. I do think people should leave with an explanation though whether is was a couple of dates, a fling or something more. A text, a call or face to face, whichever way you both communicated the most. I have done the disappearing act before but only to liars/cheaters etc. They don't deserve another second of my time. 2
gnick Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 My ex of 7 months dumped me by text and after a few more to respond to my questions just cut me off entirely. 1
TabbyHearts Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 My ex of 7 months dumped me by text and after a few more to respond to my questions just cut me off entirely. that is disgustingly disrespectful 2
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