dyna85 Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it's done. I know that's not what you want to hear and you still want to contact him. Go ahead, but be prepared to be more pissed off and disappointed than you are now. Also, throw humiliation into the mix because when you look back at how you - as a female - tried to make it work, or tried to get an answer, when he was barely there - you will be pissed at yourself. You know the game. Guys contact us. If they're not contacting us, there's a problem. If they're actively avoiding our contact, bigger problems. Particularly in the early stages of dating. You're at the stage where you're making excuses for his behavior. Give it a few weeks, and the fog will lift, and you'll see this for what it really is. If he can't give you closure without you asking for it, and he hasn't contacted you in a week or so, his actions provide the answer. It's over. He doesn't have the human decency and respect to communicate that to you, as evidenced by his actions. It shows he's not the guy you thought he was. You made the effort on Tuesday. Wednesday he barely made an effort, and then you tried once again and he still left you hanging. His actions are very telling. This guy is a complete loser and a coward. Hiding away because he can't just be up front and tell you what's going on with him. Anyone who does this is just asking for bad karma. It's cold and cruel and you have a right to be feeling hurt. However, don't sacrifice any more of your self-respect. Leave it be and walk away now. I'm telling you, the hurt will only get worse from here if you persist in your quest for closure. Unless you don't mind being left hanging, ignored, blown off and/or treated like you're not that significant, don't make further contact. Also, why would you offer someone friendship who would barely respond to you? Do any of your friends evade you like he has? Friends don't treat friends with a back of the hand. You're not thinking logically about this because you care about him. You need to take the blinders off, and it's going to take some time. In the meantime, I wouldn't do what your heart is telling you. I would do the opposite. Resist contacting him because he doesn't deserve it. You want to believe he's a good guy because of your experiences hanging out with him and whatever. Well, consider yourself lucky that at least he showed his true colors early in the game. Some people find out months, years down the road. However, I know the frustration of looking at your phone and waiting for some sort of explanation. It's not right that he's doing this, but it is what it is. He's not on the same communication level as you and can't give you a dignified answer or explanation because he doesn't have integrity and you may think this is harsh, but he's a loser - unworthy of anymore of your time and effort. Evanescentworld's advice is spot on, as painful as it may be to accept. Ideally, we want people to treat us with the respect we deserve, but not everyone knows enough or cares enough to do so. It's a sad reality. A harsh truth. However, I'm pretty sure most of us are faced with it at one point or another. I'm sorry you're having to deal with his selfish, asinine behavior. Know that God is doing you a huge favor right now though. You deserve better than this. 2
Author bootyboot Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 I'm over that now. Not angry anymore, I've accepted it. If he doesn't want me, then that's about him. Not everyone is a match and that's life and it's ok, looking back I think I was headed for Heartbreak City no matter what with him. What is the big deal about ending it yourself and being civil about it instead of wondering for months what happened?? If he doesn't respond, then I will know for sure it's over and let it go, and if he does respond, that's fine too. I don't want to see him romantically again as I think deep down I knew from the get go that something wasn't right and that he wasn't looking for the same thing. I'd be happy to be friends and think it's a shame that if you date someone for a short time that you have to ignore them or tell them to f*ck off if they aren't responding how you'd like. Which reminds me, to prove your theories wrong: I dated a guy for two months who backed off suddenly, then I sent a respectful closure text. It made me feel better and I was able to move on and know 100% that he wasn't coming back to date me. He responded very nicely didn't write me off. We are still friends a year later, seeing him next week for coffee actually! So there.
evanescentworld Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Yet another member who posts seeking advice, but then gets shirty when they don't hear what they WANT to hear. Fine, great, go ahead. Write a nice long "so long and thanks" (for what exactly??) letter. Go against the advice I gave (bear in mind others 'liked' and agreed, so to be fair, you are in the minority here....) Oh and enjoy your coffee. so there. 2
SycamoreCircle Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 Agree with the above posts about letting it go. I'm sorry. This person didn't care about you. I would strongly suggest in the future taking things slower with dating. A month of seeing each other and strictly dating with no sex is not unreasonable. If a guy blows you off because you're not putting out, well...there you go. He's shown what kind of guy he is.
Ieris Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 I'm over that now. Not angry anymore, I've accepted it. If he doesn't want me, then that's about him. Not everyone is a match and that's life and it's ok, looking back I think I was headed for Heartbreak City no matter what with him. What is the big deal about ending it yourself and being civil about it instead of wondering for months what happened?? If he doesn't respond, then I will know for sure it's over and let it go, and if he does respond, that's fine too. I don't want to see him romantically again as I think deep down I knew from the get go that something wasn't right and that he wasn't looking for the same thing. I'd be happy to be friends and think it's a shame that if you date someone for a short time that you have to ignore them or tell them to f*ck off if they aren't responding how you'd like. Which reminds me, to prove your theories wrong: I dated a guy for two months who backed off suddenly, then I sent a respectful closure text. It made me feel better and I was able to move on and know 100% that he wasn't coming back to date me. He responded very nicely didn't write me off. We are still friends a year later, seeing him next week for coffee actually! So there. Do what works for you, if he doesn't respond it might be a slap in the face but then at least you know. When I was younger I often messaged saying, "where have you disappeared to?" And I always got a response. I don't do that so much now as I'm not as bothered anymore, lived long enough to realise people come and go x
Author bootyboot Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 I'm also curious, are most of the posters here ladies? Can we get the male side of the coin?
evanescentworld Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 I'm also curious, are most of the posters here ladies? It's called 'empathy'. been there, done that, had that done to me, can equate.... Can we get the male side of the coin? Hope it helps....
Light Breeze Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 (edited) I'm over that now. Not angry anymore, I've accepted it. If he doesn't want me, then that's about him. Not everyone is a match and that's life and it's ok, looking back I think I was headed for Heartbreak City no matter what with him. What is the big deal about ending it yourself and being civil about it instead of wondering for months what happened?? If he doesn't respond, then I will know for sure it's over and let it go, and if he does respond, that's fine too. I don't want to see him romantically again as I think deep down I knew from the get go that something wasn't right and that he wasn't looking for the same thing. I'd be happy to be friends and think it's a shame that if you date someone for a short time that you have to ignore them or tell them to f*ck off if they aren't responding how you'd like. Which reminds me, to prove your theories wrong: I dated a guy for two months who backed off suddenly, then I sent a respectful closure text. It made me feel better and I was able to move on and know 100% that he wasn't coming back to date me. He responded very nicely didn't write me off. We are still friends a year later, seeing him next week for coffee actually! So there. It seems you're looking for validation around here about sending that text. Most people would say no do not. However, it seems you made up your mind to send that text and even prepared an argument Why it's ok. I'm confused why are you asking if you're going to send it anyway? Edited January 10, 2015 by Light Breeze 2
martaldn Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 If u are really over him than text him. U won't sound needy because u won't ask him anything but only wish him good luck. I have a similar experience a couple of weeks ago with a guy I was seeing for fun but he decided to go back and try again with his ExGF. He texted me about it and of course I was upset but I wanted to leave in good term so I texted him back wishing him good luck and be honest about what I felt. He ended up to apology! And our was only a FWB situation. It's always good leave things in good terms when is possible . at the end of the day u can't force someone to have a relationship if he doesnt want but u can always be friend with him if that is really what u want Good luck
organizedchaos Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 I'm also curious, are most of the posters here ladies? Can we get the male side of the coin? No, lotta men here, me included. But what's the point? You don't want our advice, you've already proved everyone here wrong.
Author bootyboot Posted January 10, 2015 Author Posted January 10, 2015 I don't know, I just want to hear other people's views on the situation. And you guys might be right, but I'd rather know now than keep waiting for that glimmer of hope.
dyna85 Posted January 10, 2015 Posted January 10, 2015 How you're reacting to our advice parallels this situation with the guy. You won't accept our advice as being true and valid (you keep pressing for more answers, despite being given a whole host of good advice) just as you won't accept that this guy is a jerk and it is over and nothing good can become of pursuing the matter continuously with him. My bet is that you will disregard the advice we've given and you'll learn the hard way, because you don't want to accept reality. 3
Author bootyboot Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 So I sent a text along the lines of me picking up something was off, that I had no hard feelings, I enjoyed getting to know him, and take care. I got a response that was very nice and not flippant but confirmed my suspicions. So I feel a great sense of relief and can move on. So I guess I was right, and you guys often have terrible advice. Not every situation is the same or black & white. You can be mature and civil and everything will be ok.
snowflakes88 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 Maybe next time don't ask for advice if you're simply going to be unjustifiably rude to those who don't give you the answer you want to hear. Good luck. 6
newlyborn Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 So I sent a text along the lines of me picking up something was off, that I had no hard feelings, I enjoyed getting to know him, and take care. I got a response that was very nice and not flippant but confirmed my suspicions. So I feel a great sense of relief and can move on. So I guess I was right, and you guys often have terrible advice. Not every situation is the same or black & white. You can be mature and civil and everything will be ok. you were right? about what exactly? what did you get out of sending that text? this guy is a jerk. he met you, took you out for one date, saw you once again, slept with you because he knew you liked him, and proceeded to ignore you afterward. i am not sure how you or he benefited by your telling him that there are no hard feelings. as if this were an acceptable way to treat you, or anyone for that matter. 4
NoLeafClover Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 (edited) Hunny you want the truth... he is f***ing someone else. As horrible as this may sound I have been in this situation before. Chances are when you two met he had someone else already. Then you two hooked up without claiming any relationship or set any rules... just like you, there is another one... From personal experience, I was always bad when I was talking to two different girls. I'd try to keep up with one and plan on calling the other later on but then id get busy and wouldn't text her or call until a day or two. I'd always feel like I was being random and they'd always respond with 'hi stranger' type comments. Another sign I know this for sure is the calling instead of texting which he seems to be doing also. I'd always call because texting is more continuous and requires more time and can go on for the whole day. If you call you have a conversation for few minutes then you don't have to keep in touch for few more hours/days without thinking that OPTION 2 is slipping away. So this guy might like you and find you attractive... but not enough to make you a priority of that level you want. I know this from experience, while you stay here posting and stressing about him, he is on a roll and doesn't even think about the slightest think you two talk about... and why should he? All he has to do is contact you and you are there to agree and join him as he wishes... probably just like the other woman. So... He isn't calling you back He goes MIA He slept with you then after you notice he acts shady with random contact He is still single and ready to mingle in his mind His ex is back in town and you think she might be sleeping there You contact him and he invites you at party last minute (maybe his other date canceled that's why he didn't tell you or invited you ahead of time) Is this that hard? Put it this was- if he was that into you, you'd be staying the night at his place every night instead of taking shifts. Play it how you want it , just be safe and don't expect a relationship from a men that's on a dating spree phase because you will get burned. Good luck. Edit: did you say you met him online? Ohh baby baby. That RIGHT THERE. He is definitely talking to other women. Some of my friends used POF before and were talking and dating 5 chicks at once. Edited January 11, 2015 by NoLeafClover
cactusgal Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 So you basically sent him a text saying that he treated you like crap, but you're ok with it, and now you want to be friends? Eh, ok. Well done. 1
evanescentworld Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 ..... But please. Prove me wrong. Go ahead. write. I'll bet you a pound to a pinch of salt he won't reply. Or if he does, it will be, "Yeah, had a great time, have a good life, see you around" type of thing. Non-committal and dismissive. So I sent a text along the lines of me picking up something was off, that I had no hard feelings, I enjoyed getting to know him, and take care. I got a response that was very nice and not flippant but confirmed my suspicions. Which is probably as I predicted, above.... So I guess I was right, and you guys often have terrible advice. Really? GIven the above, where exactly was the advice terrible...? I told you, fine, go ahead, write, and if you receive a response, it will be along these lines. So where, there, was the advice 'terrible', exactly...? Not every situation is the same or black & white. You can be mature and civil and everything will be ok Absolutely. And everything about him we predicted, is accurate. Black & white. Mature and civil doesn't come into it. It doesn't matter how you approach it, we were correct in what we predicted. So why you feel this sense of entitlement to respond in this way, is beyond us, I'm sure. 1
aggie382 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 I don't know, I just want to hear other people's views on the situation. And you guys might be right, but I'd rather know now than keep waiting for that glimmer of hope. You don't want other people's views. You want a different opinion than those you've already received. You want a particular answer.
London_girl_1985 Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 It's true that we don't have a strict dating culture in the UK. When I first met my bf he would always turn up late Sat night but now he comes over Friday and we spend every Saturday together. It took about 6 weeks to get to that stage. I would see if this guy contacts you again and if he does you need to start asking questions... ask why he is unreliable at communicating and whether he is looking for a gf or just some fun. If he says the latter and you're not interested cut him off and find someone who will give you the time you deserve.
Author bootyboot Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 I just want to know what the motivation was behind this guy's calling: Dated a guy for a month, total whirlwind, he was amazing and did & said things that led me to believe we would be in a relationship (yes, I know, I totally fell for his bs.) But at the time I felt I had finally met someone great. Last time I saw him, everything was perfect and romantic as always, but after I left him, his communication stopped completely. A few days of silence go by, so I finally reach out and send him a text about an article he might like. I didn't ask him where'd he been or anything, just the article link and "thought you'd enjoy this". He responded 9 hours later with a question, so I didn't respond until the next morning because I knew something was definitely up. He sent me a short reply back to my reply, but he didn't keep it going or ask my plans that week or how my new job was going. That night he called twice out of the blue but didn't leave a voicemail. I called him back 20 min later and his phone went to straight to voicemail, so I left a message saying "hey, sorry I missed your call, give me a call when you have a chance, walking to the subway." Didn't hear from him until I sent a closure text and I got the response that he can't commit and runs away when things start to get heavy. Whatever. My question is, why did he call me twice and then turn off his phone? Was he playing mind games or just cared so little he was like "eh, she didn't answer, her loss." I'm just curious if that's a hoovering technique and if this guy is a narcissist. Turns out he has a long pattern of romancing women and then dropping them with no notice. Lot's of angry ex ladies form this guy. Wish I had known sooner..
crazybestie101 Posted January 13, 2015 Posted January 13, 2015 I just want to know what the motivation was behind this guy's calling: Dated a guy for a month, total whirlwind, he was amazing and did & said things that led me to believe we would be in a relationship (yes, I know, I totally fell for his bs.) But at the time I felt I had finally met someone great. Last time I saw him, everything was perfect and romantic as always, but after I left him, his communication stopped completely. A few days of silence go by, so I finally reach out and send him a text about an article he might like. I didn't ask him where'd he been or anything, just the article link and "thought you'd enjoy this". He responded 9 hours later with a question, so I didn't respond until the next morning because I knew something was definitely up. He sent me a short reply back to my reply, but he didn't keep it going or ask my plans that week or how my new job was going. That night he called twice out of the blue but didn't leave a voicemail. I called him back 20 min later and his phone went to straight to voicemail, so I left a message saying "hey, sorry I missed your call, give me a call when you have a chance, walking to the subway." Didn't hear from him until I sent a closure text and I got the response that he can't commit and runs away when things start to get heavy. Whatever. My question is, why did he call me twice and then turn off his phone? Was he playing mind games or just cared so little he was like "eh, she didn't answer, her loss." I'm just curious if that's a hoovering technique and if this guy is a narcissist. Turns out he has a long pattern of romancing women and then dropping them with no notice. Lot's of angry ex ladies form this guy. Wish I had known sooner.. Dated for just month, then why are you over analyzing everything? By going silent, he showed you that he is no longer into you. But you kept going with your contact. Well , he is stringing you along, he knows you are still into him. Stop falling for his trap, you will look more desperate. When me and my ex broke up , in begning he used to act like that i used to fall for it. Let me tell you nothing came out. And if he is really interested he will let you know. So far it looks like he has lost interested and just stringing you along because he knows you still are there for him.
Author bootyboot Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 Guess you didn't read the last part of my letter. End of story is I told him I assumed it's over and he confirmed it for me. Haven't spoken to him since, and no desire to. Just want to know what the calling was about, more out of curiosity really. Also, I think it's fair to reach out to someone who's dropped off after several days when there is sudden no contact, especially if you are sleeping with them. I wasn't nagging him or asking him where he was or anything. What is NOT ok is for him to just vanish with no warning. I'm sorry, I don't think what I did was desperate and I'm getting a little tired of that word being tossed around towards women who are being mind f&cked by self absorbed guys!
Author bootyboot Posted January 13, 2015 Author Posted January 13, 2015 Meant to add, he never called me back after I left a short voicemail. So after another week of silence, I sent him that closure text.
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