silversp Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I have been married to my husband for 26, going on 27 years this coming June. I am 58-think I am going through menopause. Don't feel attractive--have put on weight, hair thinning, don't feel I look like myself anymore. Been through some struggles the last few years with kids, my job and pets. I am currently unemployed-I quit my stress fest job in August. So, cut to the chase--we haven't been as physically close for the last few years. Sex is painful-I am trying to "fix that" with hormone creams and possibly trip to the doctor. In the meantime in the last couple of months ago (November) my husband would come home and be "frisky". Sometimes we would have sex, sometimes not. Sometimes if we did he would lose his erection during. He is on high blood pressure meds so I tried to not make a big deal about it since I know this can be a side effect. I did ask him if he still "liked" me and he said of course that he didn't know what was wrong-maybe he had drank too much beer or took an antihistamine etc. Anyway, I was starting to feel the fog lift a little in October/November from the stress that was gone from my job I think. Starting to feel more like myself. Then I just started getting a "funny feeling" --I call it my esp when something is wrong with my husband or kids. The night before Thanksgiving, my husband's phone made a noise and it looked as though our son had tried to text him. Since my husband was in bed asleep, I looked at the phone and the browser popped up with porn pictures on it-several. I just felt sick and tried to go to bed and sleep after I figured out it was not my son trying to contact us. The next morning I confronted him about it and he said that since his cell phone (work issued) is tied to his computer (at work that anyone who was looking at stuff on his computer, it came to his phone and maybe it was one of the single guys out at work. He assured me it wasn't him and that he loved me etc...But it just sent me into a spin. I asked him if he had been looking at those pics before coming home extremely frisky a day or so earlier and he said no and when i pushed the subject he went to his truck and brought in an expired sample bottle of Viagra that a guy at work had given him. He said he got it so he could keep an erection with me since he had been having problems with that recently. I scolded him about taking drugs that his doctor doesn't know about (he has kidney issues). So he apologized and we just carried on--me on the (hopeful) assumption that the porn was someone else's and the Viagra was "for me." That was Thanksgiving. Fast forward to December--a few days after the 8th-I don't remember which day. He left his phone on the table after he went to bed and I admit I looked at it. In his text messages nothing out of the ordinary except a text with some sort of confirmation number from Adult Friend Finders dated December the 8th at 12:33am (he goes to bed early-8ish and is up by 5am and he wasn't on his phone after he got home about 3:30pm). It didn't mention any name. It just said something like "congratulations here is your activation (or confirmation number-can't remember) . I immediately woke him up and asked about the text and also some of the porn was still on his phone browser history-same stuff from before-it didn't look like anything new. He said he didn't know what it was probably some spam text or something and that he hadn't been on that Adult Friend Finders site. He keeps telling me he loves me and nothing is wrong etc. But I just can't get over this. I Googled to try and see if his computer browser could be linked to his phone--his Google is linked but from what I can tell his phone's web browser is not-I am not real tech savvy though. I went on and made a non-paid false Adult Friend Finder account and I check that all the time. It is disgusting all the married men on there. I found one user name that "could" be his but unless I pay, I can't find out any more and to do that I would have to enter credit card info on there. I just may get one of those Visa cards you buy at the store to sign up. But I can't sleep now, I am up every night trying to find a logical explanation to all this or damning evidence. Last night was the worst--I was worried to death about our son who we thought had a hernia but they can't find any hernia and has lost a lot of weight over the last few months. I have anti anxiety pills but had to take three to get me to sleep and now I feel awful. I just feel awful anyway. Unattractive and awful. I keep thinking "what if the Viagra was to use with someone else-maybe from Friend Finders?" He hasn't wanted sex hardly at all since and I don't want to pressure him because I don't want to hurt his feelings if he has erection problems. But are the erection problems because he isn't attracted to me anymore or because of a medical problem? Either are scary. He says he loves me and said the porn wasn't his nor did he go on Friend Finders. I can't check records etc because both his phone and his computer are work issued and his computer is at work--he doesn't use the computer here at home. So I don't have a lot of avenues to research, do I? Please read the suspicions and give me your opinion--maybe someone else has had something similar happen? I just don't know what to do. Like today I woke up and just thought I should tell him I want to separate. My kids 25 & 22 would be devastated especially my daughter. I just don't want to get to the point where I am DONE and don't care anymore. Right now I am hurting but there are moments of anger that have been showing up this last month and I know myself--when I am hurt I get mad and want to be as far away from the thing that has hurt me as I can get. I just wish I could erase the last 2 months.
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Don't separate unless you both have tried everything and separating is an absolute last resort. You two need to spend quality fun time together, go on date nights and bond again as husband and wife. letting life and other issues get in the way of your relationship isn't good. He has health issues and yes he should have discussed viagra with you instead of not telling you about it. Since it was for 'you' , you should have been told. He is home and with you most of the time when not at work right? Ask him if he's happy and have a real honest talk with him. Tell him you love him and how finding this stuff makes you feel.
Author silversp Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 (edited) He says he loves me and wants to grow old with me. That is what he has been telling me since I found these things. But he also has not said he did these things--and from what I read that is a classic response--"Not me, I didn't do it"---Lately he has even been saying "this is starting to make me kinda mad" when I bring it up. It would be so much easier if I felt more attractive but I just don't. I was what I would consider attractive up until maybe 6 years ago. But now with my sagging face, baggy eyes thinning hair and now, to top it all off I have a broken nose (from a fall last week) that wasn't very good looking to begin with and now its swollen and crooked. I am going to have it straightened tomorrow hopefully but I know there are no guarantees. I want to do fun things with him but now after seeing the stuff on his phone I feel insecure about going anyplace. About the Viagra--there is this nagging thing in my head that says "was this really for "me" or if he were able to meet someone else and not have to worry about his erection with that someone else. UGhhhh... I guess the thing that is bothering me is that I can find NOTHING that "proves his innocence" which would make this SO MUCH EASIER. Edited January 9, 2015 by silversp
CarrieT Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Lately he has even been saying "this is starting to make me kinda mad" when I bring it up. Google "gaslighting" Yep, he is hiding something. You don't get notifications to your phone from AFF unless you pay for them and have something set up. 2
coolheadal Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Why don't the two of you do a second honeymoon vacation in Hawaii or Jamaica? Get out of the house buy new swimwear and sleepwear at Victory Secrets. Spice up your night there two. Sounds like you two have lost things together to do? Both of you need a change of pace. Get out and have some fun instead of doing the same routine everyday for 26 going on 27 years! 1
whichwayisup Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 First you need to work on your self esteem and build your confidence level back up. You are still the same beautiful woman, you're just getting older! One day we'll all stop wanting to look in the mirror, but don't let that time be now. Time to also spend time with your women friends, a sister or a cousin you're close to. Nothing like friends to help you feel good about yourself. Your H may not have cheated on you but he may be doing something (chatting) inappropriate. Don't let him turn it on you. Let him get mad, if he wasn't doing anything his feelings would be hurt but he would be understanding, not angry with you. He would be an open book and allow you access to his computer, emails, cell etc.. Tell him you just don't want to lose him and if he is unhappy you'd like to know so you both can work together to fix things. Being married that long isn't easy, it takes work and effort for each of you to keep the flame alive and friendship going too. Life isn't just about the kids and making money, cleaning the house etc.. When was the last time you two went to see a movie? Held hands and just talked? Cuddled on the couch or had a bath together? 1
loveboid Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I think you need to exercise. It'll calm you down, make you happy, and make you look better. I think you're the anxious type. Which is fine. It takes all kinds to make the world go 'round. I think you just gotta recognize and accept it and get to exercising. Not this driving your hubby mad thing. No one cares if a guy is bald if he's physically fit. The same for a woman's looks. Beauty comes from within. Exercising and making yourself happy is beautiful. In the mirror tell yourself "Good morning, sexy," every time you brush your teeth. And tell it to him too.
TigerCub Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 What kind of work is he in where it's acceptable to surf porn on the company network? Oh and also to have friends at work that are handing out expired Viagra?! Anywho, I don't buy that crap about the porn on his phone for 1 second. It's his. As for what you should do? I honestly can't say, sorry, you've been together for so long, and my longest relationship was 2.5 years. Keep digging, you may find out what you're looking for. Sucks that you have to do that in the first place though. 1
jm2013 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I think you need to be careful. It sounds like he want to have fun with hookerish types of people if he hasn't already. If he's doing this behind your back and coming home to you and having sex he could be putting your health at risk for an STD. I'm sorry you're going through this. If your husband is getting text confirmation activations from AFF it's pretty certain that he signed up and is looking to have some fun nasty sex with somebody else. Just be careful.
harrybrown Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I am guessing that your H may be getting close to 60? I do not know about his kidney problems and his overall health. However, sometimes things do not work the way they used to. If your H is having erection problems, do not take that as an insult to your "charms". He can have all the desire in the world for you in his head, his mind, etc, but the problems south of the border are an embarrassment to him. You should not be considered any less a beauty or any insult to your beauty because he is having problems down below. However, there are other things that can be done if those problems continue. However, the friend finder thing is not good. If he is on there, that is a bad thing. however, be careful. If someone finds you on that site and tells your H, you might be having some major fallout. I would not like it if my wife was on the friend finder. Honesty is important in marriage. Hope you can get him to go to counseling with you to find ways to be honest for your H and for you.
BetrayedH Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 The porn is his and yep, he signed up for AFF. I'd recommend putting a GPS in his car. Knowing his whereabouts would either prove or disprove his innocence.
Mal78 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 I have been married to my husband for 26, going on 27 years this coming June. I am 58-think I am going through menopause. Don't feel attractive--have put on weight, hair thinning, don't feel I look like myself anymore. Been through some struggles the last few years with kids, my job and pets. I am currently unemployed-I quit my stress fest job in August. So, cut to the chase--we haven't been as physically close for the last few years. Sex is painful-I am trying to "fix that" with hormone creams and possibly trip to the doctor. In the meantime in the last couple of months ago (November) my husband would come home and be "frisky". Sometimes we would have sex, sometimes not. Sometimes if we did he would lose his erection during. He is on high blood pressure meds so I tried to not make a big deal about it since I know this can be a side effect. I did ask him if he still "liked" me and he said of course that he didn't know what was wrong-maybe he had drank too much beer or took an antihistamine etc. Anyway, I was starting to feel the fog lift a little in October/November from the stress that was gone from my job I think. Starting to feel more like myself. Then I just started getting a "funny feeling" --I call it my esp when something is wrong with my husband or kids. The night before Thanksgiving, my husband's phone made a noise and it looked as though our son had tried to text him. Since my husband was in bed asleep, I looked at the phone and the browser popped up with porn pictures on it-several. I just felt sick and tried to go to bed and sleep after I figured out it was not my son trying to contact us. The next morning I confronted him about it and he said that since his cell phone (work issued) is tied to his computer (at work that anyone who was looking at stuff on his computer, it came to his phone and maybe it was one of the single guys out at work. He assured me it wasn't him and that he loved me etc...But it just sent me into a spin. I asked him if he had been looking at those pics before coming home extremely frisky a day or so earlier and he said no and when i pushed the subject he went to his truck and brought in an expired sample bottle of Viagra that a guy at work had given him. He said he got it so he could keep an erection with me since he had been having problems with that recently. I scolded him about taking drugs that his doctor doesn't know about (he has kidney issues). So he apologized and we just carried on--me on the (hopeful) assumption that the porn was someone else's and the Viagra was "for me." That was Thanksgiving. Fast forward to December--a few days after the 8th-I don't remember which day. He left his phone on the table after he went to bed and I admit I looked at it. In his text messages nothing out of the ordinary except a text with some sort of confirmation number from Adult Friend Finders dated December the 8th at 12:33am (he goes to bed early-8ish and is up by 5am and he wasn't on his phone after he got home about 3:30pm). It didn't mention any name. It just said something like "congratulations here is your activation (or confirmation number-can't remember) . I immediately woke him up and asked about the text and also some of the porn was still on his phone browser history-same stuff from before-it didn't look like anything new. He said he didn't know what it was probably some spam text or something and that he hadn't been on that Adult Friend Finders site. He keeps telling me he loves me and nothing is wrong etc. But I just can't get over this. I Googled to try and see if his computer browser could be linked to his phone--his Google is linked but from what I can tell his phone's web browser is not-I am not real tech savvy though. I went on and made a non-paid false Adult Friend Finder account and I check that all the time. It is disgusting all the married men on there. I found one user name that "could" be his but unless I pay, I can't find out any more and to do that I would have to enter credit card info on there. I just may get one of those Visa cards you buy at the store to sign up. But I can't sleep now, I am up every night trying to find a logical explanation to all this or damning evidence. Last night was the worst--I was worried to death about our son who we thought had a hernia but they can't find any hernia and has lost a lot of weight over the last few months. I have anti anxiety pills but had to take three to get me to sleep and now I feel awful. I just feel awful anyway. Unattractive and awful. I keep thinking "what if the Viagra was to use with someone else-maybe from Friend Finders?" He hasn't wanted sex hardly at all since and I don't want to pressure him because I don't want to hurt his feelings if he has erection problems. But are the erection problems because he isn't attracted to me anymore or because of a medical problem? Either are scary. He says he loves me and said the porn wasn't his nor did he go on Friend Finders. I can't check records etc because both his phone and his computer are work issued and his computer is at work--he doesn't use the computer here at home. So I don't have a lot of avenues to research, do I? Please read the suspicions and give me your opinion--maybe someone else has had something similar happen? I just don't know what to do. Like today I woke up and just thought I should tell him I want to separate. My kids 25 & 22 would be devastated especially my daughter. I just don't want to get to the point where I am DONE and don't care anymore. Right now I am hurting but there are moments of anger that have been showing up this last month and I know myself--when I am hurt I get mad and want to be as far away from the thing that has hurt me as I can get. I just wish I could erase the last 2 months. Honestly talk to the man. You have been married for 27 years there is no reason you can't have a discussion that lays everything on the table. This is obviously new behaviors (or new to you) so address those. Let him know you "know" he set up a friend finder account and you *know* he looks at porn and now that it's out.... let's *talk* about it! You want to help whatever it is. Of course if he has gone beyond then that is a whole other story. If he feels watching porn gets him frisky for you instead of shaming him (like a dirty little boy who's mom just found his porn Mags) encourage him. It sounds like he wants to have sex with you and he is working on that.
Author silversp Posted January 9, 2015 Author Posted January 9, 2015 My husband is almost 4 years younger than me. And if he has to look at porn in order to have sex with me, then we have real problems because I don't want a relationship like that. You know, its like this world has gone mad over sex. Just one visit to the Adult Friend Finders made me want to throw up. And then you have Viagra. How does it make sense that you can listen to the commercial with all of its warnings and then figure you will risk your life for a hard on? Or they haven't found a cure for cancer yet, but they figured out how to give a man a "woody"??? What sense does that make?
jm2013 Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 My husband is almost 4 years younger than me. And if he has to look at porn in order to have sex with me, then we have real problems because I don't want a relationship like that. You know, its like this world has gone mad over sex. Just one visit to the Adult Friend Finders made me want to throw up. And then you have Viagra. How does it make sense that you can listen to the commercial with all of its warnings and then figure you will risk your life for a hard on? Or they haven't found a cure for cancer yet, but they figured out how to give a man a "woody"??? What sense does that make? Those stupid things make people extremely rich. Sex, drugs, money & power have been here for many many years and will never go away. History continues to repeat itself. Hell, this stuff is even plastered all over the Bible which is thousands of years old. Minus the viagra and AFF. Man just made it more convenient to get a woody to do the things you really want to do and made AFF to make instant connections with new long lasting erections.
TrustedthenBusted Posted January 9, 2015 Posted January 9, 2015 Or they haven't found a cure for cancer yet, but they figured out how to give a man a "woody"??? What sense does that make? It makes perfect sense. Woody's are really important.
Author silversp Posted January 11, 2015 Author Posted January 11, 2015 So i talked to him. Again. He says the porn pics were from the Google on his computer showing up on his phone. That he accidentely recalled the Google search onto his phone. That the Google search was not his--one of the other guys (3) that can access his (work issued--lumber business) computer--2 of which are single. And that the AFF text was spam-he doesn't know where it came from and he doesn't belong to AFF (nothing I have found on credit card statements and it looks like you have to pay to get anywhere there. He says that he loves me and wants to be with me and that he will have a talk with the guys at work about using the computer for stuff like that. So...
AlecKayani Posted January 11, 2015 Posted January 11, 2015 The porn is his and yep, he signed up for AFF. I'd recommend putting a GPS in his car. Knowing his whereabouts would either prove or disprove his innocence. I'm not sure if putting a GPS in his car is a good idea... It creates more tension and stress for her if anything. She has try to minimize the event for her own sanity. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "To err is human, to forgive is divine" I can help you find an way www.howtoforgiveacheater.com
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